Star Gazer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Many women need an emotional and mental connection BEFORE starting to date/get physical with a guy. She's either that type, or she's just not interested anymore. If you like her, I'd suggest spending time with her as friends, on the platonic level, to develop that non-physical connection. If you could care less, move on.
Kamille Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 That's my catch22.... If this girl is blowing me off, fine. I can take it like a man. If she really likes me but is holding back, then I need to know this too! I need to find this out...... Absolutely.
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 peace_pipe, you didn't do anything wrong. She just lost interest for whatever reason. Maybe it was about you personally or maybe it was something external but the "made a mistake" was just an excuse to break things off. Better luck next time. I agree with Tan.. it happens.. She seemed indecisive so I just went to bed. When I woke she was gone, which was cool... You just met.. go out on a few dates make out some.. show tons of interest but then you shoot yourself in the foot when you just went to bed like you did.. what were you thinking ? By going to bed like that you made her second guess her decision.
Lizzie60 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I feel that she used that instead of saying 'I lost interest' or 'you're not what I'm looking for'. I think she probably felt that you wanted HER to do the moves... that you were 'acting' a bit too independant or conceited for her taste... I don't know, we are only speculating here... but this is how I felt when I read your post.
lindya Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You just met.. go out on a few dates make out some.. show tons of interest but then you shoot yourself in the foot when you just went to bed like you did.. what were you thinking ? By going to bed like that you made her second guess her decision. Point a good horse at a 5 ft fence, and let it know you have every confidence in its ability to get over that fence, and the horse will jump it no problem. But if you're half hearted and hesitant about things, unless it's an exceptionally bold animal the horse will feel your indecisiveness, it'll get nervous and it won't jump.
tanbark813 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Point a good horse at a 5 ft fence, and let it know you have every confidence in its ability to get over that fence, and the horse will jump it no problem. But if you're half hearted and hesitant about things, unless it's an exceptionally bold animal the horse will feel your indecisiveness, it'll get nervous and it won't jump. Are you saying women should be led around like horses?
Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 peace_pipe, I think folks are saying you offer her the bed WITHOUT you in it. If that's what you're saying you initially did, it's not clear from your post.
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Are you saying women should be led around like horses? Rode hard and put up wet Peace_Pipe.. When we are just getting to know someone both sides are on shaky ground.. One mess up and boom you are kicked to the curb or vise versa.. that is why we have to always remember to put our best foot forward at all times.. until we get to know them.. then we can drop our guard some.. You had the deal struck.. you had no follow thru and didn't deliver so she lost interest.. It might have been that she didn't have your interest enough for you to close the deal.. who knows..
lindya Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Are you saying women should be led around like horses? There's something in it, you know. I am of the belief that people who spend a lot of time around animals and are good with them make better sexual partners, because they're more sensitive to non-verbals and better able to respond to them. I often read men's posts here where they're going on about not understanding a girlfriend/communication problems/women are A, B and C and all that kind of moaning. I want to post "Get yourself a dog or a horse. That'll sort out all these sexual problems" I just worry, though, that that kind of advice might be misconstrued
tanbark813 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 There's something in it, you know. I am of the belief that people who spend a lot of time around animals and are good with them make better sexual partners, because they're more sensitive to non-verbals and better able to respond to them. I agree with this. There are some similarities in gaining the affection of cats and women.
lindya Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I agree with this. There are some similarities in gaining the affection of cats and women. I think I shall open a thread about men and cats.
Krytie TV Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 About halfway between the lands of Passive and Aggressive there is this lovely little harmonious place. It's called Assertive. Go there. OP, being non-aggressive is fine. However, once a women has placed herself on top of you and starts making out with you, you can ALWAYS take that as a sign that it's time to turn up the assertiveness. What more of a hint is necessary?
jcster Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 As much as I've been enjoying all of the backseat quarterbacking, I think that this situation has more to do with what this woman wants from herself and her relationships than it does any type of screw-up on PP's part. It sounds like she's been trying to play it cool and not jump into a sexual relationship with you. She violated her own rules by engaging in aggressive tonsil hockey, and she feels that she let herself down. I can understand why you don't want to just be friends with her, and quite frankly, it's your right to decide what type of relationship that you are willing to embark on with this woman. I think that you are better off with out her - it sounds like she really doesn't know what she wants, and that will just be frustrating.
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 It sounds like she really doesn't know what she wants, and that will just be frustrating. Yes, this is definately part of my hesitation. Eveyone please keep in mind that I have went NC with her since last week. I don't believe she will call me and I am having serious doubts about ever contacting her again.
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 peace_pipe, I think folks are saying you offer her the bed WITHOUT you in it. If that's what you're saying you initially did, it's not clear from your post. Lol, no I offered her my bed with me in it. It's plenty big enough for the two of us. I wasn't expecting sex even if she would have slept beside me. When she starts payin' the bills then she can have my bed all to herself. Otherwise, she gets the couch, ol' friend.
tanbark813 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, the whole offering-the-bed-without-you thing is moot. Sure, it's gentlemanly, but if she were into you she'd want to share the bed, even if that meant no sex. So, either you don't offer her the bed and she's not into you. Or you offer her the bed for herself, and she's still not into you. From a pragmatic standpoint, it makes no difference.
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, the whole offering-the-bed-without-you thing is moot. Sure, it's gentlemanly, but if she were into you she'd want to share the bed, even if that meant no sex. So, either you don't offer her the bed and she's not into you. Or you offer her the bed for herself, and she's still not into you. From a pragmatic standpoint, it makes no difference. Agreed. People are focusing on the bed issue when it's not the issue in this situation. It really didn't seem like a big deal to her at the time or now.
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 SG... thanks for your response and your feminine point of view. I just spoke with a friend and their advice was very similar to yours. I do understand what you are saying, but I still feel torn between that and my points below. Eventually, I want to decide how I am going to handle this. I am going to let her sweat it for a few more days before I figure out my path. Right. So don't buy all her meals, don't make out, and let her live her own life. Be FRIENDS. You said in your previous post that I will know when she wants to make out, etc. Well of course but this contradicts the whole "friends" approach. I am afraid that, just like last weekend this will be an up and down rollercoaster of being friends and being more than friends - apparently at HER sole descretion as well. At what point does she consider my needs and my feelings? Yes, because even "dating" implies some level of commitment and attachment, which she doesn't seem to be ready for. Dating is a very low level of commitment, if any. There's something very pretentious about a girl who won't even agree/admit to dating me. I feel like I would be lowering my own standards to accept this. About halfway between the lands of Passive and Aggressive there is this lovely little harmonious place. It's called Assertive. Go there. Or, passive-aggressive, which has been her behavior thus far...
Kamille Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, the whole offering-the-bed-without-you thing is moot. Sure, it's gentlemanly, but if she were into you she'd want to share the bed, even if that meant no sex. So, either you don't offer her the bed and she's not into you. Or you offer her the bed for herself, and she's still not into you. From a pragmatic standpoint, it makes no difference. While I agree the whole bed thing is completely besides the point in PP's case, I have to call you on this one Tan. Most women's upbringing leads us to believe that if we can't control our sexual impulses, we will be tagged as sl*ts and such. Not only that, but a lot of women here can testify to the fact that sleeping with a guy too soon can mean he will lose interest in getting to know us more. And having sex too soon with a guy we're into makes us feel incredibly vulnerable. By offering her another viable and comfortable option (such as a way to get home), a man can demonstrate to a women that he is interested in getting to know her more. He demonstrates that he values her and that he is willing to take his time. If a guy had offered me the couch ever (never happened!) I would have assumed he was just trying to have sex with me. The thing is, women have sexual impulses too. And putting myself in the bed of a man I am attracted to is like being an ex-smoker at a cigar convention. I know from experience that I cannot count on the guy to not make any advances and I know from experience that I could be tempted. I therefore avoid sharing a bed with a guy I am into until I am certain that the relationship is going somewhere.
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 If a guy had offered me the couch ever (never happened!) I would have assumed he was just trying to have sex with me. You lost me there.... So if a guy offers you the couch he is trying to get some? Couch is for drunk friends who can't drive. Bed is for drunken females to get laid.
tanbark813 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 While I agree the whole bed thing is completely besides the point in PP's case, I have to call you on this one Tan. Most women's upbringing leads us to believe that if we can't control our sexual impulses, we will be tagged as sl*ts and such. Not only that, but a lot of women here can testify to the fact that sleeping with a guy too soon can mean he will lose interest in getting to know us more. And having sex too soon with a guy we're into makes us feel incredibly vulnerable. By offering her another viable and comfortable option (such as a way to get home), a man can demonstrate to a women that he is interested in getting to know her more. He demonstrates that he values her and that he is willing to take his time. If a guy had offered me the couch ever (never happened!) I would have assumed he was just trying to have sex with me. The thing is, women have sexual impulses too. And putting myself in the bed of a man I am attracted to is like being an ex-smoker at a cigar convention. I know from experience that I cannot count on the guy to not make any advances and I know from experience that I could be tempted. I therefore avoid sharing a bed with a guy I am into until I am certain that the relationship is going somewhere. I don't disagree with any of this but my point was more leaning towards this: If a girl is 100% into a guy--physical attraction is there, chemistry, mental attraction, she feels that connection, etc..--it's not going to go from that to not being interested simply because he didn't offer his bed. She may have preferred that he did, and may even be slightly miffed that he didn't. But a woman won't go from 100% interest to not interested over something that minor. And if she did she'd be a f**king lunatic.
Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 okay, peace pipe, here's where the ol' cultural expectations are going to bite you in the ass. society says guys want it anytime, anywhere, anyway they can get it. (NB: I am NOT saying I agree with this, just that it's a message we all get at some point; and for those of you who say "people should do what they want when they want, hang what 'the rules' are", I agree in theory, but in practice the rules/ games work, which is why people use them) So..... you offer her the bed with you in it and.... a. make a move on her: she'll either give in and feel like a ho-bag, or say no and feel like a tease b. don't make a move on her: she thinks "I must be most hideous troll ev-ah!" So, as a chick, I also think that was what the flurry of apology/ regret was about. She wasn't sure if her earlier putting the moves on you put her in the ho-bag or tease category. Then she figured the whole thing (making out, awkward apology, etc.) made her look foolish and the whole situation unnecessarily complicated, so she bailed.
Star Gazer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Bed is for drunken females to get laid. That's exactly why you offered it to her, and she knew it...which is exactly why she didn't go to your bed. I don't disagree with any of this but my point was more leaning towards this: If a girl is 100% into a guy--physical attraction is there, chemistry, mental attraction, she feels that connection, etc..--it's not going to go from that to not being interested simply because he didn't offer his bed. She may have preferred that he did, and may even be slightly miffed that he didn't. But a woman won't go from 100% interest to not interested over something that minor. And if she did she'd be a f**king lunatic. Well then, I'm a f**king lunatic, because if a guy made me sleep on the couch, my interest level would plummet FAST. So, as a chick, I also think that was what the flurry of apology/ regret was about. She wasn't sure if her earlier putting the moves on you put her in the ho-bag or tease category. Then she figured the whole thing (making out, awkward apology, etc.) made her look foolish and the whole situation unnecessarily complicated, so she bailed. Agreed.
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 So, as a chick, I also think that was what the flurry of apology/ regret was about. She wasn't sure if her earlier putting the moves on you put her in the ho-bag or tease category. Then she figured the whole thing (making out, awkward apology, etc.) made her look foolish and the whole situation unnecessarily complicated, so she bailed. This makes sense... So, she sabotages the "friendship", then bails when she has to confront it? I guess I am not worth any effort to try to fix things...
Author peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 That's exactly why you offered it to her, and she knew it...which is exactly why she didn't go to your bed. Well sure, I would have slept with her that night, especially after she had me all worked up. However, in all honesty I would have been just fine just sleeping. If she doesn't repect me enough to have a conversation about it, then shame on HER. Well then, I'm a f**king lunatic, because if a guy made me sleep on the couch, my interest level would plummet FAST. WTF??? I offer her to sleep in the bed - I am trying to get some. I offer her to sleep on the couch - I am not interested. WTF??? Are you suggesting that I should have offered her the bed while I slept on the couch? I hope that is not what you are suggesting.
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