Guys--would you think of this as a date?

[Zapbasket]

So last week I was out enjoying the sun in a park and the guy next to me struck up a conversation. It was an interesting conversation and I enjoyed it. But I had an appointment to run to, so I hurried away and gave him my card since we'd cut off more or less mid-conversation. He e-mailed me and suggested we continue our conversation. I replied and said ok. So now he's proposed specific plans for tomorrow.

 

The thing is, I'm interested in continuing our conversation and look forward to the prospect of chatting for an hour with an interesting person. That's it. I am not at all attracted to him and furthermore I'm still working through the grief of my 5-year relationship having ended. I'm not ready to date in general, and I'm not interested in dating *him*, nor would I be if I *weren't* still bound up in the pain of my breakup.

 

This is feeling, though, a lot like a date and I fear just by agreeing to meet him tomorrow I'm leading him on when I really don't want to be. So, guys, how do I handle this in a way that is sensitive to his feelings? I've had problems in the past where I've naively led guys on and they've felt kind-of slighted when the truth comes out that I found them interesting, but not *in that way.* I'm very gregarious and my personality is flirtatious in general (I love to laugh, when I talk to someone I am genuinely interested in their interests and what they have to say so I ask lots of questions, basically my whole behavior seems to lead guys on into thinking I'm way more into them than I actually am), and so I always have trouble making my intentions--or usually, the lack thereof--clear.

 

Is there a way our meeting can be just a nice meeting with interesting conversation and not generate expectations of something more down the road? How do I handle this gracefully and fairly? Advice very appreciated, especially from you men out there.

 

Thanks!

[peace_pipe]

I'm not ready to date in general, and I'm not interested in dating *him*, nor would I be if I *weren't* still bound up in the pain of my breakup.

 

Just curious....

 

If Brad Pitt asked you out on an official "date" right now, would you?

 

Just curious.

 

Leave the poor guy alone. You said you didn't want to date, so don't.

 

Don't hang out with any man until you are!

[Kamille]

It is sounding date-ish to me and I think you have a few options: bailing out of the meeting with no explanation, bailing out of the meeting and telling him exactly what you told us here (that you are still working through your last relationship and are not ready to date), meeting him and making it clear that you are not interested by telling him exactly what you told us here (that you are not ready to date and that people often misread your expressivity for interests), or going to the meeting and not saying anything, to see how things go.

 

In this case, I would opt for option two. That way, if he really just wants to be friends, he can clear the air straight away. As in, get in touch with him, tell him you don't want any ambiguity between the two of you, tell him you are not ready to date. If he only wanted to be friends and to continue the conversation, then he might say so then and there. If he wanted more, he will likely just let it drop.

 

Good luck!

[peace_pipe]

It is sounding date-ish to me and I think you have a few options: bailing out of the meeting with no explanation, bailing out of the meeting and telling him exactly what you told us here (that you are still working through your last relationship and are not ready to date), meeting him and making it clear that you are not interested by telling him exactly what you told us here (that you are not ready to date and that people often misread your expressivity for interests), or going to the meeting and not saying anything, to see how things go.

 

In this case, I would opt for option two. That way, if he really just wants to be friends, he can clear the air straight away. As in, get in touch with him, tell him you don't want any ambiguity between the two of you, tell him you are not ready to date. If he only wanted to be friends and to continue the conversation, then he might say so then and there. If he wanted more, he will likely just let it drop.

 

Good luck!

 

How about you just tell him that you are not attracted to him, since you said that you wouldn't date him even if you were completely over your ex.

 

Honesty, the myth, the legend...

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the responses. I would come right out and say I'm not interested in dating, but isn't that awfully heavy given I'm not even sure that he's actually interested in me in a dating way? I mean...and maybe I'm REALLY naive here...isn't it possible that maybe he, too, just wants to continue our conversation? I fear that coming out and saying, "I'd really like to meet up with you, but I want to be straight up and say that I just ended a LTR and don't see this as a date. I understand if, knowing that, you don't want to meet. In any case, I really enjoyed our conversation, brief as it was; you seem like a really interesting person and..." is just TOO MUCH when he's basically a total stranger.

 

I hate this! Why can't it just be a pleasant meeting with no expectations on either side! I mean, isn't it HIS problem if he views this as a date and if we have a good time, expects more?

 

And in response to your question, Peace Pipe, if Brad Pitt or someone to whom I had an immediate swoon of attraction were to approach me and we hit it off conversationally, yes, I would go on a date with him. If that date went well, I would go on several dates. Once it was made explicit between us that our attraction is mutual, I would at that point say, "Listen, I really, really like you and want to keep seeing you...but I just feel I should let you know that I am still getting over the break up of a LTR and I'm not sure how ready I am to start something new with someone. I would not want to hurt you were we to get more involved, not that I think I would, but I just want to be honest about where I am emotionally."

 

So no, it's not just that I'm getting over the LTR. I'm not interested in this guy romantically at all and never will be. It's just that at the time, when we were talking, there were no expectations and so it made sense for us to create an opportunity to continue our conversation. Having done so, the whole scenario has changed, and I fear I'm walking into something that I know I don't want.

 

Is there any way I can just go on this meeting or whatever it is, stay for an hour and chat, and then leave it at that? Or is that just weird?

 

:confused:Ugh. This is precisely why I don't date. I only go on dates with people with whom it's already established I'm very interested in, and vice versa. This feels like total bullcrap to me, but I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Help!

[peace_pipe]

and maybe I'm REALLY naive here...isn't it possible that maybe he, too, just wants to continue our conversation?

 

You are very naive.

 

Guys do not want to continue "conversation" with a woman they are not romantically interested in.

[peace_pipe]

And in response to your question, Peace Pipe, if Brad Pitt or someone to whom I had an immediate swoon of attraction were to approach me and we hit it off conversationally, yes, I would go on a date with him. If that date went well, I would go on several dates.

 

So tell this guy the TRUTH and let him know you are not interested/attracted to him.

 

Don't beat around the bush with "I am still getting over my ex" because you just stated that you would date someone you had interest in! It obviously has nothing to do with that.

 

A question for you.... so with the brad Pitt scenario - would you tell him you just wanted to be "friends"? lol

[Zapbasket]

He e-mailed me a suggestion of a place and time for tomorrow and I need to respond. So what is the right thing to do here? I mean, I owe him NOTHING, nor he me. I do not intend to let him pay for me and if he insists I'll insist right back. So what's the harm in meeting him? Is the harm that then he'll think I"m interested and will ask me for another date and then I'll have to clarify things nicely when if I'd done it from the get-go I'd not have given him any false expectations?

 

I appreciate your advice Peace Pipe but I fear you're biased due to your recent situation. (Regarding that, sometimes you can be attracted to someone initially, but then when you make out with them, the physical chemistry just is not there for whatever reason. That happened to me once; I realized, as I was making out with the guy on his couch, that it just didn't do it for me. There was nothing wrong with him, or with his moves; I just didn't feel the chemistry that is necessary for me to stay turned on.)

 

As for the Brad Pitt scenario, like I said, I would date him and insist we go at a pace I'm comfortable with. Given my emotional place right now, that might be that we just spend time together doing activities we both enjoy and not push the romantic aspect. That's not just "being friends." Because we're both participating with the mutual feeling of attraction and interest.

 

So, please help: cancel the plans saying I'm busy all week, or go and see what happens and if need be nip it in the bud there? (by saying that I really enjoy his company but I'm not on the dating market right now and if that's what he's looking for then maybe he won't want to hang out with me again.)

 

I feel like I've backed myself into a corner by responding to his e-mail in the first place. I sincerely just wanted to continue our conversation.

[Kamille]

He e-mailed me a suggestion of a place and time for tomorrow and I need to respond. So what is the right thing to do here? I mean, I owe him NOTHING, nor he me. I do not intend to let him pay for me and if he insists I'll insist right back. So what's the harm in meeting him? Is the harm that then he'll think I"m interested and will ask me for another date and then I'll have to clarify things nicely when if I'd done it from the get-go I'd not have given him any false expectations?

 

I know myself enough to know that this is precisely what I would do. Yet I can see how this could be construed as leading him on if he is interested.

 

So I still think it is important that you establish early on that you are not interested. Listen, maybe he doesn't have those feelings for you, but then, it's only one awkward moment that you have to go through - and that you can then laugh at. I'm sure you can find a way to present this so that it doesn't sound like you are high on yourself.

 

Else, you do sound like someone very approachable, the type of women that guys fall head over heals for. I know because your description of yourself reminds me of two of my best friends. And my two friends would also say what you said above, only to find themselves with yet another hopelessly romantic man pursuing them.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks Kamille. I definitely don't want to presume that *of course* he's interested...though as Peace Pipe says, if a guy weren't interested he wouldn't solicit a meeting.

 

So when should I clarify to him that I'm not interested romantically? In my e-mail response where I agree to his suggested meeting place and time, or can I wait until after we meet and he suggests a second meeting and I be up front then? God, how mortifying either way. But you're right: one moment of complete embarrassment and then, if it goes badly, I'll never see him again!

[peace_pipe]

I appreciate your advice Peace Pipe but I fear you're biased due to your recent situation. (Regarding that, sometimes you can be attracted to someone initially, but then when you make out with them, the physical chemistry just is not there for whatever reason. That happened to me once; I realized, as I was making out with the guy on his couch, that it just didn't do it for me. There was nothing wrong with him, or with his moves; I just didn't feel the chemistry that is necessary for me to stay turned on.)

 

 

Nope, I am not biased by my current situation.

 

You just stated how you are not attracted to this guy, and you are not ready to date. So why are you even considering hanging out with him?

 

Why are you seeking male attention when you admittedly don't want it?

 

You contradict yourself.

[peace_pipe]

As for the Brad Pitt scenario, like I said, I would date him and insist we go at a pace I'm comfortable with. Given my emotional place right now, that might be that we just spend time together doing activities we both enjoy and not push the romantic aspect. That's not just "being friends." Because we're both participating with the mutual feeling of attraction and interest.

 

But you stated earlier that you are not ready to date anyone.

 

Is Brad Pitt an alien?

 

Not trying to be condescinding, however, you may be entertained by the fact of how wishy-washy this sounds to members of the opposite sex.

[Zapbasket]

Hmmm, I don't think I'm wishy-washy. I think I'm quite clear that what I DO want is the opportunity to enjoy the company of people of either sex who are intelligent and interesting, WITHOUT expectations regarding what my seeking of this enjoyment means. I moved to this city only a few months ago and am trying to meet new people, and I'd like to not have to limit that to women only.

 

I'm also clear within myself that I think it's pretty ridiculous for either sex to read reams into initial interactions. I am also aware, however, that many if not most people do not share this opinion. So what I'm UNCLEAR a.k.a. wishy-washy about is how to handle this situation given that I cannot assume the other person also just views this is a nice opportunity to continue an interesting conversation. Within that is a CLARITY that I do not want to inadvertently hurt this guy's feelings.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

... you say you ARE interested in continuing the conversation... so at least that is established clearly.

 

 

If I were you, IF given the chance to steer the conversation after the pending topics have been put to bed, I think I'd roll the dice and dare to confide in him about the "grief" relating to the end of your five-year relationship.

 

In so doing you could casually make it clear that you're not ready to "date" at all, but more importantly you could do something that our society doesn't really let women do enough of... and that is taking their chances with deep self-expression in front of a random male (gasp!).

 

Sure, sure, everyone is going to cite situations where they confided in their male romantic partners to some or no end, but I'm talking about the outside world, where it is generally too often unsafe for women to express honestly to men.

 

And yeah, yeah, your girlfriends are there for all of that, but when you tire of the same old defend-my-friend-at-all-costs tone of their responses, and yearn for something different, what better than a man whose mind was interesting enough to inspire you to have offered your business card to him, for a unique and less-biased response to your "grief"?

 

I think you should take a chance, and grow in a new and unique way.

[Zapbasket]

Also, I suspect that my projected behavior in the "Brad Pitt scenario" would only seem frustratingly wishy-washy to those who are not Brad Pitt.

[peace_pipe]

I moved to this city only a few months ago and am trying to meet new people, and I'd like to not have to limit that to women only.

 

Let me see... you want to find a guy who wants to spend a bunch of time with you and expects nothing sexually, ever.

 

I am sorry, but it doesn't work that way.

 

Even if you do find a "friend" that is a guy.... when he finds himself a girlfriend do you think you are still going to be his "friend"? I doubt it.

 

Any guy who approaches you as "friends" is a damned liar.

 

I am starting to wonder if you have been living in a cave.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I moved to this city only a few months ago and am trying to meet new people, and I'd like to not have to limit that to women only.

 

 

(I didn't read this before now)

 

 

For heaven's sake - GO and meet the guy... and IF he asks for a second (er, would it be "third"?) meeting, then be clear about not looking for romance right now.

 

You ARE entitled to have male friendships and you should make the most of this... since you already did the tough part of offering your business card and expressing continued interest in the subject, if not the person as well.

 

Make his company an environment where you can let a little bit of your inner self show. There does exist the chance that his opportunity to sense your relaxed and engaging self will be quite enough to suit him socially. Perhaps he doesn't need to be "dating" you to gain at least SOMEthing from ya. (at NO expense to you)

 

In the same way you are seeming to yearn for new contacts in the new city, it is entirely possible that your friendship might mean as much to him as those new male/female friends you seek there would mean to you.

 

Just make sure the environment is casual and in-public and then go with the flow.

 

Your instincts have been quite fair and reasonable to both parties, now don't blow it.

[tanbark813]

So when should I clarify to him that I'm not interested romantically? In my e-mail response where I agree to his suggested meeting place and time, or can I wait until after we meet and he suggests a second meeting and I be up front then?

 

Let him know before meeting him that you're not interested in him romantically. If you agree to meet up and then tell him he might feel slighted.

 

This:

 

"I'd really like to meet up with you, but I want to be straight up and say that I just ended a LTR and don't see this as a date. I understand if, knowing that, you don't want to meet. In any case, I really enjoyed our conversation, brief as it was; you seem like a really interesting person and..."

 

...or something like it is good. I don't think it's too much. At least you give the guy a chance to back out if he's not interested in just a friendship.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Let me see... you want to find a guy who wants to spend a bunch of time with you and expects nothing sexually, ever.

 

I am sorry, but it doesn't work that way.

 

Even if you do find a "friend" that is a guy.... when he finds himself a girlfriend do you think you are still going to be his "friend"? I doubt it.

 

Any guy who approaches you as "friends" is a damned liar.

 

I am starting to wonder if you have been living in a cave.

 

 

 

LOL - this person is clueless, but GreenCove already knows that!

 

 

How does he explain the many situations where women have gay friends or gay roommates?

 

I think everyone else can tell which is the caveman in this thread. Maybe he's in that new TV show???

[Zapbasket]

I don't think you need to be insulting to make your point. I'm not comfortable when there are too many expectations, covert or overt, right off the bat. Period. That's only wishy-washy to those who don't respect my boundaries, or those in whom frankly I'm not all that interested. Because, as I think I've made very clear, if I were to encounter someone who captured ALL LEVELS of my interest, today, yes, I would feel compelled to date him if given the opportunity, just as I would eventually feel compelled to confide to him that I've been through a lot of heartache recently and I would appreciate being the one to set the pace, at least at first.

 

Let me also be clear that it's fine to WANT something sexually, but it's NOT fine to EXPECT it. There is no chivalrous gesture magnificent enough to render it a requirement that I give them sex as some kind of thank-you.

 

Trust me, if I'm really attracted to and interested in a guy, he'll get his sex soon enough. If I don't, then while I may like him I probably am not at heart all that attracted to him.

 

Either sex, when they meet someone who really gets them going, suddenly all so-called "wishy-washiness" goes out the window.

[peace_pipe]

How does he explain the many situations where women have gay friends or gay roommates?

 

Exactly, and this is the only scenario in which a guy could say he wants to be just "friends" and mean it.

 

If the guy is gay, this would be the exception.

 

No straight man only wants to be your "friend".

 

So SincereGuy, how many female "friends" do you have?

 

I have not one, nor do I want any. However, I do date.

[peace_pipe]

Either sex, when they meet someone who really gets them going, suddenly all so-called "wishy-washiness" goes out the window.

 

Yep, so why be wishy-washy and hang out with this guy when you know very well that he wants to date you?

 

No STRAIGHT man "befriends" females who he does not have any romantic interest in.

 

If he does he is only lonely and will clear out once a "real" woman comes along? Don't believe me? Look around here on LS, look around at your previous boyfriends.

 

I bet you loved it when you ex hung out with all of his "friends" that happen to be women.

[Zapbasket]

I never once doubted my ex's fidelity--and yes, he had a few good female friends.

[peace_pipe]

I never once doubted my ex's fidelity--and yes, he had a few good female friends.

 

I bet they hung out all the time and I am sure you fancied them a lot.

 

I bet you were just fine when he would come home all hammered after a night with "the girls".