I have recently split from wife and children

[kelly james]

I think I have come on here to look for I dont know help or advice. I am 36 years old and have two wonderful children aged 3 and 8. I m so deep in this hole I cant see any light just now. My wife and I split only 3 weeks ago because of something that happened which Im not wanting to talk about in depth but I have problems which go back a lot of years. I was always on the internet chatting on messenger texting woman I didn't really know. I had an affair about 7 years ago which I thought we got over but you just dont. I always felt I had to be flirting with other woman using whatever means. My guilt and anger took over me and I used to take it out on my wife and children (please do not think I am violent, Im not. I have never hit my wife or children) always came out with moods bad tempered breaking things etc.

 

Sunday 30th September my wife told me to go. For a split second I felt the only way was to take my own life and so reached for the paracetemol. I took 10 when my wife stopped me. For that second or minute the very thought of life without being around my wife and children was not worth it. She rang my mother and step father who came and took me away to their house where they have been very very supportive.

I have been seeeing the children often.

 

Her family never want her to go back. She is under enormous pressure. She wants to stay in our house for the time being because her new job is here and the children are settled in schools and have great friends.

 

After a few days after that Sunday I began to go around to the house to chat to my wife and see the kids but she says its too soon for us to be in each others company whuch at first I found very upsetting but I see the reasons. The children are out of their routine and are wondering and asking why daddy is not around anymore. This is all too much. She says we will never be back together as husband and wife and although Divorce is not on anyones lips all I can think is that it will come eventually. The very thought of my wife falling for someonelse makes me sick and depressed. This is very sellfish of me I know., My wife is entitled to happiness.

 

So what do I do? I;m struggling in my job , Im an IT contractor, I feel there is no hope. Currently I am seeing a Clinical Physicologist to try and get to the bottom of my problems. I want to be that man my wife fell in love with not maybe for us to get back together, I can t see that ever happening, but also for my children to look up to. Its very hard for me to see any solution at the moment. My mother says I should be more positive, try to agree to all my wife says, never disagree. Ring the children every night and let my wife want to speak to me if she wants. Never play the emotional game. Never argue. Give her time and space. Etc etc. I still feel there is an easy way out of this but the other side of my brain says FIGHT.

 

I first met my wife nearly 20 years ago. We married in 1995. It just seems so much to throw away. I have told my wife that even if there was a chance of getting back together I couldn't because I simply have too many important issues to sort out. Personal issues.

I suppose then I have come on here to seek any advice or encouragemet. I 'm not sure. I cry all the time even when writing this. All of the bad things I have done in my life. All of the love I wished I showed to my wife..and my children.....

[whichwayisup]

Work on fixing you. Deal with your issues, talk to the therapist and let your wife know that you DO love her and intend on fixing yourself so you can be the man she fell inlove with...So you can be the father you're meant to be.

 

I know you're in alot of pain. The pain you're feeling will make you change in a positive way. Think of this as the big wake up call! DO all that you can to make yourself better.

 

Your wife and your children LOVE you, so don't ever doubt that!

[marsbars]

I know exactly what you are going through. My wife left me almost 3 months ago, taking our daughter with her. 2 weeks before our 12th anniversary.Things got really ugly my friend. Divorce was on the table within a week. We were headed towards a scorched earth kind of divorce. She wouldn't let me see our child. Had to basically sue her to get my rights. It was really getting ugly. But now we are talking again and both seeking personal therapy and even seeing a therapist together. Things are still on the fence for her, so I am working on myself like she is working on herself. If we can't fix our marriage, at least we will both be better people, and better friends so that our daughter suffers as little as possible. I agree that improving yourself is the only thing that you need to concentrate on. For yourself and your children. Life will go on without her, you have to be there for your children. That thought was the only thing that kept me alive. So keep working on yourself. Who knows things could change as you change. Stranger things can happen. And remember women can be strange creatures full of surprises.

[kelly james]

Thank you so much for the replies so far. Any comments give me confidence and hope. I cant stop my brain from making me think about what she wants or is doing, who is she texting etc. Wondering if she has met someone else. All these are stupid thoughts I keep telling me. I am seeing the Therepist tonight so I lookforward in that.

[kelly james]

Since my wifes family are now involved she has gone down hill badly this week. The first couple of weeks we were in contact a lot and always chatting freely over a cup of tea, talking about general stuff and sometimes about the situation. I know she is struggling a little with our children and she has been back to work yesterday and today after 2 weeks on the sick. I really want to speak to her, make sure is is ok, I want to help a lot but feel there will be real bad atmosphere. My mum speaks to her occaisionally and she always sounds down. What should I do? Should I stay out of contact and just see the children. I love her so much and because of what has happended I feel so bad. It has been awful this week. Is this all to be expected. One of the many stages? I now realise my issues and although the phsycologist has no answers I know what my problems have been in the past. My wife does not seem to be bothered about the help I'm getting. I dont know what to do??? Im so low today.......

[OldEurope]

James,

 

You are going to come out for the better, my friend. What you are confronting right now is not so much a clash with your wife but a crash--head on--with yourself. You will get through it. This might be the "catharsis" you need to sort out your individual life and then you will be more calm and more mature to resume a relationship on the level of steadiness and far sightedness human interaction requires.

 

Something in you has not been sorted out in quite some time. The actions and reactions toward your wife are the symptoms of that, very likely not the cause. Once you understand the origins of your own personal problems, you have half-way conquered them. Just stand back, keep cool, but stand back a bit. Reserve. You are not going to lose sight of ten or fifteen years of a relationship. You have to fix you however before you continue.

 

I am a big BIG advocate of people becoming Individuals before they become Couples and I think the failure to do so is the #1 cause of marriage problems (outside of violent situations). That is why I personally (for what it is worth) advocate getting married later rather than sooner. We all have "damage", wounds, hurts, resentments, suspicions, worries, insecurities which have been loaded on to us from everyone from parents to stupid high school cliques to rotten bosses to fake friendships to deceitful love affairs...you name it. Then all of a sudden we do find the right person--the person who makes us into the person we wish to be (my definition of the right partner)---and we try to control all this "stuff" but there it is, burbling away in the subconscious...

 

But the subconscious never really remains so "sub", does it? It manifests in so many forms...particularly when we are angry (Aristotle said, If you want to know the true nature of a person, "study him when he is angry". Go Greeks!)....Therefore, you have to probe your Self first to see what is the core problem, and THEN go back to the relationship.

 

I don't think that in your case a time off is so bad an idea. See your children and as Mom said, Play Polite. I don't think you have to become a damn doormat nodding along with ev-er-y-thing your wife says, but you know, be diplomatic, polite. Work on yourself. You will improve and with that your relationship (and/or any future relationship) will automatically improve....

 

OE

[Gunny376]

James,

 

You are going to come out for the better, my friend. What you are confronting right now is not so much a clash with your wife but a crash--head on--with yourself. You will get through it. This might be the "catharsis" you need to sort out your individual life and then you will be more calm and more mature to resume a relationship on the level of steadiness and far sightedness human interaction requires.

 

Something in you has not been sorted out in quite some time. The actions and reactions toward your wife are the symptoms of that, very likely not the cause. Once you understand the origins of your own personal problems, you have half-way conquered them. Just stand back, keep cool, but stand back a bit. Reserve. You are not going to lose sight of ten or fifteen years of a relationship. You have to fix you however before you continue.

 

I am a big BIG advocate of people becoming Individuals before they become Couples and I think the failure to do so is the #1 cause of marriage problems (outside of violent situations). That is why I personally (for what it is worth) advocate getting married later rather than sooner. We all have "damage", wounds, hurts, resentments, suspicions, worries, insecurities which have been loaded on to us from everyone from parents to stupid high school cliques to rotten bosses to fake friendships to deceitful love affairs...you name it. Then all of a sudden we do find the right person--the person who makes us into the person we wish to be (my definition of the right partner)---and we try to control all this "stuff" but there it is, burbling away in the subconscious...

 

But the subconscious never really remains so "sub", does it? It manifests in so many forms...particularly when we are angry (Aristotle said, If you want to know the true nature of a person, "study him when he is angry". Go Greeks!)....Therefore, you have to probe your Self first to see what is the core problem, and THEN go back to the relationship.

 

I don't think that in your case a time off is so bad an idea. See your children and as Mom said, Play Polite. I don't think you have to become a damn doormat nodding along with ev-er-y-thing your wife says, but you know, be diplomatic, polite. Work on yourself. You will improve and with that your relationship (and/or any future relationship) will automatically improve....

 

OE

 

You hit the nail on the head~ dating and mating is something we should all do when our life is just about as "perfect" as we can get it.

 

Great job and carrer with good co-workers and bosses that treat you like a human being.

 

Most if not all issues from childhood worked out and more or less resolved.

 

We've got "I" figured out ~ who and what you are and what your about. You've figured out what to put in and what to leave out.

 

When you're on top of your game, ~ the game of life. When you've got your head and ass wired together! You've got it together mentally, emotionally, pyschologically, financially.

 

And what is all the more? You've know not only what your looking for in a mate? But a real pretty picture of what you're not looking for! :mad: And, to do that? You're unfortunately going to have to kiss a couple of frogs!

 

People get married waaaaaaay to young! Before they've got a good solid handle as to what life is all about? Then to add insult to injury? They're trying to have and raise children, complete their degree, climb up the food chain, have a house in the surbs, the SUV's, Skidoos, the motorcycle, the $5000 100 "plasma TV..................

 

And, then they're sitting around wondering why it all came crashing down?

 

Its taken me awhile ~ and LS had been around I probally would have covered more ground in half the time! But, I'm finally getting to where I want to be in life! I'm not there yet? But, I can see the road ahead.

 

And no I'm not married, I don't even have a girlfriend! I've got better things to invest my time, energy and money in ~ ME!

 

I'm not looking for love, true love or otherwise? I'm not looking for marriage? Not that I'm oppossed to the concept, its just that its going to have to find me? Cause I'm not looking for "it!"

 

I figured out a long time ago ~ that I just needed to give this dating~mating business a break until I could figured some things out? And I knew then that the answer must come from within?

 

I also vowed that in so far as my part goes? I'm not going to be sitting in a rocker at the retirement home talking about my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th ex-wife?

 

___________________________________________

 

I can't add much to OE post, (seldom if ever can!

 

But, take a "fool's advice" that's been where you've been? Take it easy, take it slow, really give some thought as to who you've been, where your at and where you want to be in life! With or without the DW!

 

Your happiess is your responsiblity not someone's elses, not even your DW! I'd just keep working on myself, and above all? Be there ~ be a Daddy to those children. Other than that? Keep contact with the DW to a minimum. And when you do contact her, keep it short and sweet. This is very much a case of the less said ~ the best said. Because anything you say or do? Can and will be used against you?+

 

A couple of good books you might want to read are:

 

"How To Win Back The One You Love" Eric Weber & Steven S. Simring, M.D. ISBN 0-02-624700-3 McMillian Publishing

 

"Me Five Years From Now" ISBN 0-446-39097-6

[kelly james]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I knew I came to the right place. The last week and a half have been quite chilled. I have had some fantastic days with our children. One thing thats on my mind just now is that she has been very receptive over the last week or so. She has been asking me round for dinner with her and the children. We have had wine and just generally chatted about day to day stuff. Until Saturday night just gone we had a curry and we both thought it would be a good idea for me to stay longer and have a few drinks. I planned a taxi but with the wine flowing the heavy talk started. I should of known better. I was upset, she was upset...blah blah blah.

 

All this is quite wrong I know and she has said a couple of times that its far too soon for us to be in each others company for too long and I totally agree but when she asks if I want dinner etc its so hard to resist. I love her so much my heart really aches and my children are my life. The next day , Sunday, or yesterday, We went shopping for the children had lunch in a restraurant went for walk along river in Newcastle Upon Tyne and went tback to our house where we tidied the garden and I stayed until 8.00pm. No heavy chat just normal.

 

I think what I'm trying to ask is is all this wrong? Is she just giving in to her feelings aswell , and me. This could be damaging? I'm working untill 7pm this week. Last week until 3pm. Maybe with the kids back at school now I should really stay away?

 

Any advice?

Thanks....Kel:confused:

[kelly james]

After the last couple of good weeks seeing the kids and my wife asking me around for dinner etc its just got a lot worse. I have had a couple of bad moments appearing unstable and on Saturday night she did not no where I was with the kids and paniced. When all was sorted she was so angry and spoke to her parents about how she wants out completely and sick of me, she wants to go back home to her parents, cant cope, lonely etc etc... I thought it was going ok but really I know now that I should of stayed away from the start. She said to her parents after the initial rant that if I could stay away for a few weeks so she could think things through. I know I need to do this. I am picking the kids up from school this week and in the past recently I have gone into the house and stayed there until at leats 7.30pm and sometimes beyond. All very light hearted but deep down this has been doing us both no good at all. If she moves back home about 40 miles away it would be hell. I would only see them at best once a week. How can I handle that? She would also be roped into their family way of life and I know she would get sick of it after a while. She has a good career here and child care annd schools are all in place. How could she move away? She would be thinking of herself surely and not the children.

I am writing this at work. I broke down earlier and had to go for a walk. Ive done enough tears!

[Ladyjane14]

Your focus is still on 'getting your wife back', when really... it ought to be on 'getting your sh*t together'. Your Mom gave you good advice. You'd do well to take it.

 

I don't think you're going to be able to fool your wife anymore. You're either going to present her with real and lasting changes, or she's going to dump your ass. She's told you what she wants in a mate. From your posts, you've spent a good bit of time casting her in the "Mommy" role, seeing what you can get away with, and leaving the burden of responsibility for the relationship on her shoulders.

 

Just based on being a married woman with children, I can tell you from experience that she has NO INTEREST in being your mother. She's got two little people she already has to care for in that capacity. What she wants is an equal partner, someone who shares her burdens, her sorrows, and her joys. She has no interest in being an authoritarian presence in your life, someone to be outwitted and fooled, just so you can get a rush out of thwarting 'the warden'.

 

You can either BE that man, or you can keep diving and weaving so she doesn't land any emotional responsibility on you. But as you're seeing... eventually a woman gives up hope that she can get what she needs and starts doing for herself.

 

I'm sorry if all that sounds harsh. It's obvious that you're really upset.

Heck, I could pat your hand and tell you "there, there"... but when push comes to shove, what good would it do you? It's growing-up time, pal. The tantrums, the controlling behaviors, the escapades, and the suicide attempts... will only result in too much drama and too much work. A long-term relationship cannot be sustained under those conditions.

 

I do believe that there's a possibility here in your situation for reconciliation, but it doesn't need to be your focus. Your focus needs to be on cleaning yourself up and making yourself presentable, someone you're kids can be proud of, and someone your wife might rediscover her attraction for at some point down the road.

 

And regardless of what the outcome is on the marriage... you need to stay with that. I'm no expert, but your self-esteem would appear to be shot. The only way to fix that is from the inside out, the goal being that "the man in the mirror" smiles back at you with pride.

 

My advice to you is to stay in counseling. Work hard at it. Listen to what your wife is asking of you, (God gave you one mouth but TWO EARS. ). And give this thing some time and patience.

 

If it works out, great. If it doesn't, then resolve to find the silver lining in that cloud too. Should it come to it... remember that divorce is the end of your marriage... not the end of your life.

[kelly james]

All points taken on the chin. You are right. I have been Di**king around. I spoke to her last night to say I'm not going to be in her face anymore and to take all the time in the world. I AM going to do this. But she rang me a while ago just for a chat and I let it happen for a few minutes then said I was busy and had to go. She sent me a text last night thanking me for putting The Smiths album on her IpoD. Saying it meant a lot to her, she 's an avid fan. So Im backing off contacvting her and she is contacting me! I;m not responding to it. ......

[Ladyjane14]

All points taken on the chin. You are right. I have been Di**king around. I spoke to her last night to say I'm not going to be in her face anymore and to take all the time in the world. I AM going to do this. But she rang me a while ago just for a chat and I let it happen for a few minutes then said I was busy and had to go. She sent me a text last night thanking me for putting The Smiths album on her IpoD. Saying it meant a lot to her, she 's an avid fan. So Im backing off contacvting her and she is contacting me! I;m not responding to it. ......

 

If you've been in the wrong, then you NEED to be responsive to her. NC is not for you. When she contacts you, be pleasant, make interactions with you a nice experience she might want to repeat... but DON'T PUSH. Pushing wrecks your progress.

[kelly james]

Oh yeah your right. If she rings me or texts its not in my nature to ignore her. I love her so much and always will whatever turns out to be. I take it you have had all this crap aswell?

[Ladyjane14]

Well, let's just say I understand how hard it is not to be "pushy", otherwise... it's a long drawn-out story.

 

But man, you're well past the point of game-playing. If your posts are accurate, you've already pushed this woman too far. She's not going to accept anything less than authenticity from you. If she smells an "agenda" on you... the jig's probably up. So... be real, and prioritize her needs as you would your own.

[benny boy]

dude i feel for you man, i am far from marraige or anything but if i was you i would think, what did my wife fall in love with, a loving man, some one who makes here happy, who make her fell on top of the world. think about what is going through her mind. keep going with the help your getting as they probably know the situation your in.

 

life is what we make it, we make mistakes which we can learn from,

 

good luck dude