I did a stupid thing

[funkybassplayer]

You have to let things lie, she will never say what you want her to cos she is angrey as well. Just give it a few weeks, and maybe you may want to contact her again, and if you do, all your and her emotions would have calmed down, and maybe you can talk, but it seems at the moment your going in circles, and to be honest, there is no need for her to explain her actions to you if she does not want to, its about how You yourself deal with your own feelings and emotions.

[funkybassplayer]

i was thinking about your situation, and the question came to me to ask you

 

what is it that you exactly want from her?

 

Im not being funny, but i think its something that we have to know in order to understand your feelings.

[Spinderella]

From what I gather, he wants her to be sorry.

Whatever it is he wants, its clear that he isnt going to get it.

 

Sorry Serendip, but, you are harrassing her. You are going to have to deal with this yourself. She is not going to give you what you think you need.

You have barely left any amount of time each time you contact her.

So she thinks youre the bad guy, well, your behaviour was not impeccable, neither was hers. The difference is, you are still doing it.

It doesnt matter who did what first, you can only change your own behaviour. You think that by her acknowledging she hurt you, will take it all away? Nothing will change the past, but leave it where it is. It is madness to keep living in it like this.

If you really care about her, you will leave her alone. If this is about you, only YOU can sort it out.

 

It may be painful, but she is not going to make it better for you. Only you can do that.

[birdie]

after reading the posts I think I'm stating the obvious here by saying that you serendip are looking for closure. it's that simple.

 

if she took responsibility for her actions or whatever other way you want to call it, it would give you the validation you need. once the emotions are calmed down, you won't feel the need for that.

 

yes, it is difficult to put a situation behind you when there is a lot of negativity and there is anger and maybe some embarrassment, etc and you want to talk it through. however, she doesn't want to discuss it with you because she probably doesn't want to feel worse than she already does.

 

I'm sorry to say but the only thing that will help you is time.

[funkybassplayer]

Adding to that, i think that you are carrying a certain amount of guilt, for your part of the break up, and are looking for her to take some of that from you. Guilt can keep us to stick in a place, but its something that you must let go of. We all feel it for something that we could have done, or could not have done in our and any relationship, not only romantic ones. but we all did our best at the time.

[serendip]

Thanks for the good advice guys

 

I just have to deal with it and move on...I thought I did in September but then she contacted me...it brought back all these unresolved emotions

 

I should have never replied to her email b/c all it did was bring me to an emotional state I thought I already left

[Spinderella]

Wake up.

Start again.

Its a new day.

[funkybassplayer]

Thanks for the good advice guys

 

I just have to deal with it and move on...I thought I did in September but then she contacted me...it brought back all these unresolved emotions

 

I should have never replied to her email b/c all it did was bring me to an emotional state I thought I already left

 

 

Think of it this way, at least you know you need more time, cos all that emotion could have been carried forward to an un suspecting sweetheart............everything happens for a reason my friend................

[serendip]

I think it's really sad that 2 people who were so close...can't even talk to each other...try to work things out...not to get back together but to gain an understanding of the tragic events that lead to the relationship being ruined.

 

I always believe you can work things out with anyone with proper communication...but I guess it takes 2 people to talk and she doesn't want to anymore.

 

I lost all hope that I will ever talk to her again. It's kind of funny...5 months ago...we were trying to come up with names for our future kids that we both wanted

 

kind a sad

[Spinderella]

You may be able to talk about this again, but really only when some time has passed, and some real healing done. You have had time, but, mostly the communication has been about each of you trying to get the other to acknowledge the others position. Sometimes it takes years for things to be fully processed to the point that each understands the others viewpoint.

It still seems that you are in the loss stage, and probably that is still not a good time for clear communication.

Work on healing and letting go, and there may come a time in the future that you can talk about things. In order to fully heal though, you probably have to fully let go of that hope.

[serendip]

I don't think I have any more hope left

 

I feel like I kind of wasted my life (relationship wise)....she was always in my heart(a flicker of light) since the first time we broke up 10..12 years ago. I was in a lot of relationships between the time we broke up and got back together. Alot of the women I was with...were beautiful people. I just never felt real love for them...it wasn't because of her. I felt real love and I didn't want to settle for the imitation.

 

When I got back together with her after 10 yrs apart...it just felt right. I've never been happier and she told me the same thing many times. Then she moved away and after I got adjusted to it...we were happy with the long distance. But the cheating and my retaliation happened. I know there's no way to heal that. This was our second chance and we blew it big time.

 

I no longer hold out hope for us. She no longer is in my heart. That's just sad.

[Spinderella]

Maybe you could look at this in another way. Like, that for 10 years nobody could compare to her, and this happened so that you could see the reality. That nobody is perfect.

Perhaps thats why this happened.

In any case, you dont have much choice but to get over this, so you may aswell put a positive spin on things. Sometimes if you do that, it opens your life up to more opportunity. Stop looking backwards.

[serendip]

The ex sent me this email...a week after I called her

 

Thanks for the apology call.

It is best if we just forgive each other and move on with our lives.

Take care.

 

There's no point in me replying...since there is nothing to reply to

[funkybassplayer]

she has moved on. Silence to a letter can tell you otherwise, but she has givin you a reply and the closure you seek. Knowing that shes moved on, it will help you move on as well. Be strong, its time to heal.

[serendip]

I knew she has moved on a long time ago

 

I broke up with her b/c she cheated on me...as far as i know...she's still with the guy she cheated on me with

[funkybassplayer]

you sound hurt about it still. Try to let go of that, relationships end and a new life starts.

[serendip]

Would this be an alright reply or should i even reply?

 

I think it is time to move on too. You played a significant role in my life. You were the first girl I ever loved(back in 94) and you were the only person I ever considered marrying and having children with. I will not forget you and I hope someday we can forgive one another.

 

 

comments?

[funkybassplayer]

i can feel you want to send this just to keep contact going. Shes gave you a clear end, and a goodbye. Best leave it at that.

[serendip]

Yeah ...I guess you are right. There is no point.

 

It's time to finally let go.

[Spinderella]

Serendip,

All you are doing is repeating what has been said many times over.

It really is time to move on. Nothing you can say is going to solve anything. Once you realise that, you can take the pressure off yourself and relax, if nothing else.

[And its just Alice]

I don't see how you can say you're such a jerk..You sould like a totally decent guy and you obviously really liked this girl alot...I hope everything works out for you x

[serendip]

Serendip,

All you are doing is repeating what has been said many times over.

It really is time to move on. Nothing you can say is going to solve anything. Once you realise that, you can take the pressure off yourself and relax, if nothing else.

 

 

Yeah I know....I can't beat the dead horse any longer

[serendip]

The ex sent me this email...a week after I called her

 

Thanks for the apology call.

It is best if we just forgive each other and move on with our lives.

Take care.

 

There's no point in me replying...since there is nothing to reply to

 

Well I took the advice of some people here...and I was fine with not replying

 

For some reason the ex text message me yesterday...this

"I found the distance too hard. sorry it was hard to not want to see other guys especially since we didn't know the future. thanks for the good times together."

 

It really upset me...one why would she bother since she already said it's best to move on...two...in previous emails she said this

 

"I really had the feeling when I was with you that you were the right guy for me long term (I even told you a few times that I wanted to marry you.). You made me so happy and I loved being with you."

 

So I don't understand the future comment in her text message when she said she wanted to marry me. It just feels like she is again trying to justify to her self the reason she cheated.

 

So I replied with this...

 

"I thought we had a future in that we considered having kids together. I can understand the distance but you cheated before the distance. It was unfair of you. I did nothing to deserve that but I wish you well"

 

I just couldn't let her comment go...but now I no longer want anything to do with her. Before I wanted to work things out and try to be friends in the future.

[Spinderella]

It seems that she in her own way, was making an apology. She doesnt make this properly because she is still on the defensive, and still doesnt want you to feel justified in your reactions.

In your response also there was no putting the past behind you apparent.

I dont think she will be able to say anything satisfactory to you for a long time yet. You wont get your closure from her.

This is the trouble with continued contact when neither of you are ready. It just makes you feel bad again. When you said that you wanted to put the past behind you, it seems that you were trying another approach to encourage her to give you closure. Maybe not consciously.

Again, you will not get your closure from her. You need to find that in yourself.

Good luck.

[serendip]

It seems that she in her own way, was making an apology. She doesnt make this properly because she is still on the defensive, and still doesnt want you to feel justified in your reactions.

In your response also there was no putting the past behind you apparent.

I dont think she will be able to say anything satisfactory to you for a long time yet. You wont get your closure from her.

This is the trouble with continued contact when neither of you are ready. It just makes you feel bad again. When you said that you wanted to put the past behind you, it seems that you were trying another approach to encourage her to give you closure. Maybe not consciously.

Again, you will not get your closure from her. You need to find that in yourself.

Good luck.

 

I guess you are right...but she's the one who contacted me

 

I guess I felt insulted that she would again try to justify her actions...

 

"I found the distance too hard. sorry it was hard to not want to see other guys especially since we didn't know the future. thanks for the good times together."

 

...but this time using distance as the reason. In all the time we spent long distance...not once did she say it was hard. In fact she always told me how close she felt and how loved she felt. The part where she said it was hard not to see other guys was offensive...in that she is saying...she can't remain faithful when things get hard.

 

I don't know...all she had to say was

 

"I'm sorry about how things turn out but thank you for the good times together"

 

I would have been fine with this...and most likely told her to...don't worry about...no hard feelings