No longer know ...stuck in the past.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hi everyone...

I'm posting on this forum because all my friends/family don't want to hear my story anymore. They think that I should move on and forget about it but unfortunately it hasn't worked that way for me. I cannot stop thinking about it and feel such a sense of betrayal from everybody involved.

I'll begin the story here...I met a guy at work who was older than me, who came and pursued me at first. At first I wasn't interested since I was living with my boyfriend at the time (was about to leave though) but he was very persistent. He did become more attractive to me and I ended up going for a drink with him one evening. He had invited me to his place previously and I refused. However, that night I did end up going back to his place. We didn't go the whole way but did some stuff and cuddled up to eachother and watched a video and stuff. He was annoyed I didn't go the whole way with him and said "oh you will have to wait another two weeks to see me now!". However, he was romantic and affectionate when he walked me home. Next day, he slams my cardigan down on my desk at work and says "you left this at my place" and storms off. He acts cold towards me.

A few days later I see him again and he says he has been busy. I suggest maybe we go out again and he makes excuses but then decides he would like to go. He acts annoyed because he pays for the date and because I do not go the whole way with him again.

Few days later I invite him to the pub for drinks since I am going with work colleagues. He says he probably won't come since people would think it was strange and gossip, but then at about 10 pm he sends a text asking if I am in the pub. I have left by then and text back saying sorry. He ignores me then for a few days.

Following week, he invites me out. I think it is a date. There is another young pretty girl waiting at the cafe where we arranged to meet. He turns up, greets me and says "oh hi!" to the young girl. Both of us go and all his male friends in the bar are winking and laughing as the three of us walk in. He does not invite me back with him that night.

Following week I think I submit to him finally after he invites me out somewhere nice. After this, when I try and arrange to see him he makes excuses ( there is always something more important to do).

Throughout all this time he has acted sadistic also and tried to strangle me in bed. When I questioned this he laughed and said, "you don't know the half of it!". He also spoke to me as if I was a [COLOR=red]{Mod Edit} [/COLOR]in bed.

I invite him out again and ring him up (though he never rings me). He says "oh - thanks for reminding me". When I meet him he glares at me and he acts very cold. I am hurt and act cold back and tell him I don't think I can see him again when he drops me off by car outside my house. He is bothered by this and says he came because he wanted to see me.

He sends me a christmas card in the post with a picture he took on the day we met saying love from him and wishing me all the best. When I thank him he says can he visit me in hospital-I was ill from stress. He visits me, only stays for about an hour and doesn't act affectionate to me. We arrange to meet the following day. Fifteen minutes before we are due to meet he texts and phones to say he has to cancel. I say he should come to my house again sometime. He does not suggest a time. He does not call, he does not text. Always me first. I end up finishing with him again and he is angry and drops off an item of mine in reception at work.

He then texts again asking to meet me. He stays for ten minutes then goes. We arrange to go out together again. First he says possibly midweek, then possibly friday, then possibly next week. Always better things to do. I end up furious with him and don't speak to him for three weeks.

Throughout all of this he has been playing me off against this other woman who is a colleague of his. On my last day at the college, he invited her to the pub with us, he would tell me about how they had lunch together etc. Then she and I became friends.

Anyhow, me and his friend are going out to the pub every friday. She has just broken up with her boyfriend.

The day I text him and say sorry we haven't spoken for ages because I miss him, he invites her for lunch. Then he meets us both in the pub that night.

He acts very affectionate in the pub, but when I send him a text he does not reply for two days. We meet again next friday. Same thing.

Eventually we go out and we end up sleeping together again when I go back to his place. In the morning he acts very cold and distant towards me. The night before he treated me as an object and called me a bitch and a slut etc. in bed, saying it was role play. When I ask if we are going out he says, "oh lets take it slowly".

Then I have a party and after this everything goes wrong. I invite him and his female friend and a couple of other friends. He is the only person at the party who does not compliment me on my dress or cooking etc. He even has the arrogance to fall asleep at the party! Towards the end of the night, just him, me and his female friend are left. He says he is going home but my so-called friend encourages him to stay.

In the morning he is very nice and says he would like to stay longer etc. He says he will see me soon. Next morning he texts me and says the party was good but the text is not very flirty or romantic. I text back saying I hope to distract him from his work soon and he doesn't bother to reply.

The really bad stuff begins after the party. His female friend acted extremely jealous and annoyed when she learnt that we had been seeing eachother. She acted nasty towards me and gloated when she told me that he thought I was too young for him (she lied about my age to him - I am 31, she said I was 26. He is 43. She is 41). Also she said that she had had lunch with him after the party and told him off about him staying the night with me. She led me to believe that he wasn't interested and the thrill of the chase had worn off.

I was extremely upset about this and hurt and when I was hurting so much, she told me that they went for lunch all the time and he had invited her out all last summer.

Anyhow, two weeks after this, I bumped into him and he invited me to the pub, saying there was a leaving do. When I got in, his friend was all dressed up and sitting at a table, apart from everyone else, waiting for him. She had not told me about the night and we used to go to that pub all the time. When he arrived, she was all over him and offering to help him with his decorating etc. Then he had a class but said he might meet us later. Later on, she said she wanted to text him and invite him back to the pub. So she writes "hi hon...are you coming to the pub?". I say can she add my name to the text since I am there with her and she starts screaming at me really angrily. He comes in in the middle of this fight and I tell him that she is jealous. He then goes over to her. I ask him to text or phone me or say maybe we can go for lunch and he doesn't bother to again for two weeks. Then one night I meet his friend in the pub where we usually go on fridays and he drops in unannounced to say hi. He acts affectionate to me as before but I don't know who he has come in to see and just decide to go no contact.

Meanwhile his friend is continuing to act snappy with me and to gloat as well and boast of her relationship with him.

Eventually I have had enough of this. I am hurt enough and his friend hasn't acted sympathetic at all but has just twisted the knife in more. So I do not respond to her text and cut off contact with her. I bumped into her since and she was nasty, saying she would drop off a book I had lent her in the reception.

As far as I know, he has not seen her since the first time they went for lunch together and has been keeping a low profile.

I just feel so betrayed by both of them though and they live in my town and I am worried I will bump into them every time I go out. I am hurt that she tried to jeopardise everything and I am hurt by how he acted from the start. It was as if the pair of them wanted to try and rip away my self-esteem and when I was feeling good about myself and had that party, they were nasty to me afterwards. I have since also found out that the guy has a reputation of being a terrible womaniser.

And once when I called him sadistic, he said "you'd know all about that, wouldn't you" as if I was sadistic! I am sure that he has not been in contact just to make me feel bad about myself. It seems that there is nothing I can do but wait and hope I may bump into him. I just can't seem to get over him though we only knew eachother for six months. When we were together though we would just spend ages wrapped in eachother's arms in silence and it was very intimate.

Every day I still look about for his car. Help!

It has been three weeks since that day he came into the pub and no contact. I have been depressed ever since that party and cannot think about anything else.

Sorry for this really really long post...hope that someone can empathise or is in a similar situation

Love to you all...x

 

ps. this is an old post. NOW it is five months later and I'm back at college with him once a week. The first two times we spoke briefly and he says "good to see you" and kisses me on the cheek. But talk is cheap. He does not get in touch otherwise so last time, I ignore him and he pops out of a doorway on the way home smiling. I don't know whether this is deliberate or by chance so I ignore him and walk off, for fear of looking like a fool. He looks his best and like he is going on some hot date or something....am I doing the right thing? Please help x

[Spinderella]

Are you serious?

Read your own post.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

So...you think definitely not then! Or do you just think the length of the post is ridiculous?

I know it sounds idiotic but I just don't know why he treated me that way. It's not like I'm a bad catch. I'm younger than he is, pretty, intelligent, smart...many guys ask me out and he's like the one that got away. Why would he inflict so much pain? I find that beyond the realms of comprehension...why would both of them? I would never hurt people deliberately. Just don't get it.

 

He still does have some feelings because I saw him a few times since, like one time I was walking along the street and looked over the road and he's parked his car and he's glaring at me, which really freaked me out. And another time he followed me home in his car. I think he's a bit insane...

 

I sometimes think it's some bizarre case of Stockholm Syndrome. Most guys I can just forget if they treat me badly so why not this one? I guess if I was reading this and it was someone else's post I'd be like "oh my god ditch the creep!" as well.

 

Good news is...I've played it cool thus far so he doesn't have a clue and I'm holding onto my dignity. I'm just feeling weak today - he caught me just as I was recovering from two previous abusive relationships and snared me at a vulnerable time when my confidence was pretty much shattered. I know I should just move on now...

 

Okay...guess the scolding is deserved and I should be moving on. x

[AriaIncognito]

Just fyi, the formatting of your original post is keeping me from reading it. I know there's an attempt at paragraphs, but it's hurting my eyes to try to read it.

 

Maybe I'll attempt again later. Not sure if this was what Spinderella was referring to.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Um yeah...it is a touch long. It's a bit of a book. And now I can't edit it anymore. I pasted it in from somewhere. Oh well c'est la vie! If anyone can be bothered reading though I'll appreciate it.

 

Love x

[Jmina]

I would never let a man treat me that way. i cannot belive you went back for more over and over...

 

 

you should stay away from him. if that happened to me and he leant in to give me a kiss i would backhand his face away. what a sleaze. he sounds disgusting.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thanks Jmina...I'm not looking for sympathy now. I just want confirmation that I should delete this chapter from my life and move on as my mind is pretty much made up to now. I appreciate your reply about how ridiculous it would be to even contemplate starting up this whole sorry mess again. Stupid but I just really liked him though because he made me laugh when I was down...and thanks for confirming to me that he is in fact a bastard. I have a tendency to idealise others too much x

[Spinderella]

Sorry. What I meant was, you must really dislike yourself.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Jmima...my friends all said he was a creep and they wouldn't touch him with a bargepole and he was pretty disgusting really.

Spinderella...I'm just too idealistic. I admit my self-esteem was low previously but now it is a lot higher and I've realised that I can do miles better and I don't know why I previously tolerated it. I just needed some confirmation. Sometimes I live in a fantasy world...x

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Jmima...your post made me laugh! Thanks! x

[Spinderella]

I dont know about being too idealistic. I think over-idealising someone would come from a need to believe that they are wonderful. It seems you seek to confirm or validate yourself in your relationships, because you overlook some very serious red flags. In other words, you are too concerned with how the relationship makes you feel, and avoiding rejection, than in really looking at who you have chosen as a partner.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

I know...I fear rejection so much that sometimes I am the one to initiate contact so that we are not strangers and I do not have to feel the sting of rejection. If someone rejects me it shatters me no matter who they are really. I appreciate that you picked up on the fact that I didn't like myself but I'm starting to love myself more now and I am pleased I have made the decision to move forward. I am also going to see a counsellor

 

From a young age I was rejected by people though and I guess that is why I put up with so much crap from this guy. I have borderline personality disorder (luckily very mild) but I'm a quiet borderline. I cannot confront people and I cannot bear it when people seem to treat me badly for no reason. My brother said that some people just are that way...others have treated them badly so they take it out on you. But I just find that hard to fathom.

 

Also I think I was looking for some sort of father figure and he is older than me and his humour was similar to my dad's and he just reminded me of him in some ways. I know that sounds crazy but it's true.

 

But I'm definitely moving on now and I'll just blank him from now on. I'm glad I have had some more confirmation that he's a creepy guy.

 

I appreciate all of your replies even if they are harsh or brutally honest. That is better in fact.

 

Thank you all for writing. x

[Spinderella]

Glad to hear you are seeing a counsellor, I dont know what else they suggest for BPD, but I'm sure you have investigated all the possible therapies. I did not mean to be harsh, just pointing out that you should love yourself more, I would say that was kind rather than harsh.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Hey Spinderella I know you were being kind when you wrote the posts. Just it's sometimes better to be told firmly about something rather than mollycoddled and treated with kid gloves. You're right...I should love myself more. I'm glad you picked up on that and you pointed it out.

 

Love dearladydisdain x

[Spinderella]

Thanks. I'm glad. I hope you continue to get better.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Now I just feel like I can't bear the thought of going to college tomorrow. Guess I'll just have to use those acting skills and be happy!

 

So sorry to go on but do you think I did the right thing in cutting contact with both of them? Just she didn't seem like much of a friend at the time...

 

x

[Spinderella]

Again, read your own post.

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Thanks! I don't know why I suddenly feel like this...must be going back to college and seeing them around town and stuff. It's just that I was never in a situation like this before where I had to cut two people out of my life like this. The three of us seemed as thick as thieves at one point and they were like the only friends I had in this town.

 

I don't know why I am feeling guilty and wrong as if I was a b**** to both of them. Sometimes I can't believe it that's all and none of it makes sense to me. But I guess if I read my own post and imagine I am an outsider reading this story....

 

guess anyone would have done the same. I couldn't even talk it out at the time, my head felt so messed up...my friends tell me that like attracts like and they are both messed up emotionally so they manipulate others around them.

 

I'm not used to these dramas. Maybe could have handled it if it was one person against me but not two at once. It's like getting ganged up on at school or something.

 

Sorry if I appear to be overly-dramatic about this one. *Goes back to read post, imagining it is someone else's*

 

x

[Dear Lady Disdain]

Okay yeah...I'd forgotten that she was pretty nasty, dropping the book off and everything and so was he.

Yeah I feel alright now. Reading my post it does sound pretty bad and I guess I should never have trusted in both of them so much until I knew them better.

 

She was actually quite crazy. One day after she found out about me seeing this guy we went for a walk in the park and she goes, "ugh...there's an insect on your arm" and started really really whacking me hard. Both of them appear charming and normal on the surface but I think they're both quite crazy...

 

Before this though I felt like a different person...I was happier with higher self-esteem and I loved myself more. Gradually my self-esteem was eroded though.

I somehow went from being quietly confident and someone who knew she was attractive to this crazy person who thought she was utterly worthless and ends up shouting at him like someone crazy in the college carpark.

I don't wanna be like woe is me, but he knew I was vulnerable from the start since I had been living with a guy who had schizophrenia.

 

But god he was such a sleaze...I can't believe I stayed with him so long! He used to ogle you and look at your legs every time he saw you, he wanted to take nude pics and he even asked me if I wanted to be his "little slave!" ("oh, a little slave would be nice") This guy is very rich and successful and he hides behind a new age man veneer.

 

Thanks Spin - your posts calm me down. Going for a walk now... x