chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I should be an old pro at this break-up lark but it never seems to get any easier, this is my 3rd i've gone through on this site! Was with my now-ex for a year, i know she wasn't good for me, very snappy and moody, leached off me a lot financially, my family didn't like her much, and she cheated on me emotionally and physically with around 4 different guys all in 6 months. Doesn't sound like miss perfect I know. We moved in together very quickly, we'd only been together around 3 months when she had probs with her parents, so stayed with me so often, we just got a flat together. It was lovely at first, then i lost my job, she pushed me to apply for a very good job, only prob was it was the other side of the country to where we lived now, I asked about us, and she's like, if you get it, i'll give up my job and life here and come with you. It seemed like commitment to me and a big step, I did get the job and we moved here in April, to a lovely apartment. She started off with waitressing jobs etc to bring in some money, I looked after her and paid all the bills, and she only paid a 3rd of the rent, however she was feeling bit trapped and said she wanted to try living with some friends, I was bit shocked and didn't understand why she wanted to move out, and maybe I did make her feel bad about it, I'd never lived on my own before and loved living with her, and said it felt like a step backwards for our relationship. Then one day she said she felt too pressured and dumped me, I was so shocked. We still lived together for a few weeks, me sleeping on the sofa and her in the bed, she cried a lot and kept trying to hug me and kiss me still, i told her she couldn't mess with my head, and that i do still love her, but us breaking up had made me realise maybe we weren't right together, i couldn't trust her and was hurt she had broken up with me. She said she did want to be with me, but just couldn't right now, she wanted to move out and get her life going then try again, I said maybe if i could trust her, but she'd cheated so many times i found it hard to, she said she knew in her heart she never would again and let me give her a chance to show me she's changed. That was about it, she moved out teary eyed told me she loved me, that was about a month ago, we stayed in limited contact and had a really nice day out 9 days ago to a local zoo that was fun and we were holding hands and kissing, it felt so nice and just like we were still together. I so wanted her to change and not cheat, and believed maybe she could. However the last week she's just started going quiet, and since last wed has been ignoring me completely, i text her and called her but no replies and my call was rejected. I sent her a facebook saying i loved her and missed her, but if she had to stop talking to me for whatever reasons, then i understand. I got a reply several days later saying she has realised being with me was a huge mistake and we learnt too much about each other that wouldnt let us work. And asked me to call her tommorrow. I tried calling her as soon as I read it, but she rejected my call, I replied to her facebook saying I never thought we were a mistake and i had some of my happiest memories with her, and i really had hoped we would work things out, but if i need to move on and get over her i will. Just so odd how in the space of a week she seems to have changed her mind. I saw her new place early last week and she had all of our pictures up in her bedroom, but now she has deleted hundreds of our pics from her facebook and taken me out of her top friends list, just wiped me clean from her life all of a sudden, and i'm now left in a strange city, with hardly any friends, living in the apartment we had chosen together, lying in the bed we used to cuddle up in... and i'm all alone. There's reminders of her still everywhere, she left a lot of stuff, still see things like her hair-bobbles next to the bed, and her spare toothbrush is still where she left it etc... I know what to do, i know i need to clean the apartment and remove any reminders. Its also not the first time i've had a girlfriend change almost overnight, my last ex had an argument with me and wanted to sort it out and she loved me, i was angry and wanted a day to cool off, next day she told me she had a night out with her friends and realised she didn't miss me much and didn't love me anymore, that was it, a year relationship over. Just feel's hard this time, as i live in a strange city, all alone and hardly know anyone, i prob wouldnt have moved so far away from all my friends and family on my own, and i feel she has just moved here with me, got herself a new life and abandonded me as soon as something else came along. I'm even thinking of quitting my job and going back home now, i'm so desperately lonely here, i went the entire weekend without even talking to another human being, talk about depressing,. Plus my ex owes me money for rent she didn't pay, and an outstanding gym membership we left behind in our old city, i'm talking over a grand here too, but she's avoiding paying it back, saying if she can find the money she will, but now she's not even really talking to me, and i've been asking her for it for over a month, i've had to pay the gym membership off on my own and its really made me struggle financially this month.
RecordProducer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I am so sorry you're going through this. She is not a stable and sincere person so you must forget her. I find it difficult to understand that she "owes" you money. You lived together and how you managed your finances was a matter of THEN, not now. This is just my opinion though. In any case, I don't think she will ever give you the money, especially since she doesn't have it. You might move back to your home place. It sounds like you're not happy where you are now. But then again, are talking about you moving from the countryside to a big city with many opportunities, for a good job, where you can actually build a life? Or are we talking about moving to the same level just minus the friends and family?
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You guys were together for a year...you moved cross country with her in April, and you broke up about a month ago. When did she fool around with 4 guys in 6 months? Before you moved cross country? If so, in hindsight it obviously wasn't such a good idea to make that kind of commitment with a woman who is so untrustworthy and not so into you. Next time you will be that much smarter.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I am so sorry you're going through this. She is not a stable and sincere person so you must forget her. I find it difficult to understand that she "owes" you money. You lived together and how you managed your finances was a matter of THEN, not now. This is just my opinion though. In any case, I don't think she will ever give you the money, especially since she doesn't have it. You might move back to your home place. It sounds like you're not happy where you are now. But then again, are talking about you moving from the countryside to a big city with many opportunities, for a good job, where you can actually build a life? Or are we talking about moving to the same level just minus the friends and family? The money owed was from when we lived together, but she only moved out last month, i paid all the bills when we first came here, but she's been working full time for about 3 months now, and i have utility bills like electric, water and gas, local tax etc that have all come in last few weeks, plus we were members of a gym that she wanted us to join, but then we left the city and they wouldnt let us escape the contract, so we have to pay off a year which is about $1200, it was in my name too and they have put debt collection agencies onto me to retrieve it. I know she could at least pay me something, she makes excuses and vague promises, then says she's poor, but still has the money to go out every night of the week on all night benders while i have actually gone overdrawn by about $600 this month, i'm struggling to keep up payments on things, sucks that she's left me like this. Yeah the place i live now is similar to where i was before, only i work for a much bigger company and do get better pay here and suppose it has better future prospects, but right now i just miss all my friends back home, i've had my grandparents on my dad's side both die in the last 6 months, and now my other grandma is in hospital, but i'm like 5 hours away and too poor to afford to travel back to see her. Career-wise it may be silly to throw away the great job i have here, but i have been here 5 months and don't even have one friend, i'm so alone all the time and can't get used to seeing and doing all the things we used to do together, and discover together, doing all that on my own feels so strange and wrong. Hate the fact i love her so much
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 You guys were together for a year...you moved cross country with her in April, and you broke up about a month ago. When did she fool around with 4 guys in 6 months? Before you moved cross country? If so, in hindsight it obviously wasn't such a good idea to make that kind of commitment with a woman who is so untrustworthy and not so into you. Next time you will be that much smarter. The first guy was before we moved yeah, it was on msn, an ex boyfriend, i saw the conversation on the pc next day, and she was so so sorry, she was depressed for weeks crying over it, swearing never to do it again, but back home she didn't have too many friends. Then we moved here, she got a waitress job and ended up fooling about with a co-worker, she kissed him then ran home crying and told me straight away, apoligising and saying she's an idiot and i should dump her. I forgave her, but then she kissed him again on the saturday after, there were two more guys after him, pretty much one a month since we moved here. I know i'm an idiot, what can i say? But the way she seemed so hurt and genuinely sorry and absolutely devistated after everytime she did it, just made me feel sorry for her, and she just still seemed to love me so much even though she did this, it is confusing.
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Well, most of these "flings" happened AFTER you moved. So you really can't fault yourself...it would have been worse if it was before you decided to pick up and move with her.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Well, most of these "flings" happened AFTER you moved. So you really can't fault yourself...it would have been worse if it was before you decided to pick up and move with her. I suppose, i should have seen the red flags, she has cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had, but guess love can be blind, and when you want someone to so badly change you'll convince yourself they can, but maybe some people are just not wired like that.
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 One of the biggest mistakes people make in a relationship is thinking they will be able to significantly change the other...reduce or eliminate their character flaws and reshape them into the perfect partner, and doing them a great favor at the same time. It just doesn't happen. Stop beating yourself up over this.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 One of the biggest mistakes people make in a relationship is thinking they will be able to significantly change the other...reduce or eliminate their character flaws and reshape them into the perfect partner, and doing them a great favor at the same time. It just doesn't happen. Stop beating yourself up over this. Ain't that the truth. Seems she really wanted to change and stop the cheating but she just couldn't, even she couldn't explain why she did it, i'd ask her and she would just burst into tears and swear she loved me and hated herself for doing it. I mean she is pretty messed up i suppose, she slept with 30 guys by the age of 19 (didn't know this when i got with her, she's few years older now i didnt know her then) saying she hated doing it but just wanted to make the guys happy so they'd like her... sad really. I asked her to see a councellor, which she said she would over and over, she went to her doctor to try and sort one, but her doctor said she is fine and doesn't need one, and besides she was only doing it for me, i genuinely don't think she wanted to go, and she never did. She has always suspected herself as having borderline personality disorder, and when i looked it up she fits the bill perfectly, but she only admits she is bpd when she's down and crying, the rest of the time she denies it completely and gets angry if i mentioned it.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 What p*sses me off more is myself, why do i still want her back deep down and miss her so when she completely fkked me over, now that is annoying. I know i should be mad and hate her, but I don't, all i want is for her to come home and be there in bed when i get home from work so i can snuggle up with her, even stupid things like doing our grocery shopping i miss, damn.
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 It's not easy to stop loving someone, no matter how much pain they have caused you. If we could cut off emotions like a light switch, most of us wouldn't be posting here.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I should be inspired by the fact that all my boys back home were like "dude you've dodged a bullet" even my mom was pleased we're not together anymore saying she wouldn't have made very good daughter-in-law material. I know i need to get her out of my heart and think with my head, but it is hard, and deep down if she changed her mind again I honestly don't know if i would take her back, i know i shouldn't but i honestly think i might which i know is dumb.. fkk me this is so messed up
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I honestly don't know if i would take her back, i know i shouldn't but i honestly think i might which i know is dumb.. Well, dumb might not be the right word, but yeah, taking her back would be the second biggest mistake you ever made. The fact that you know that but might do it anyway could be a problem. It means your fate is no longer in your own hands...it's in hers. And she's flaky, unstable, and not trustworthy.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Well, dumb might not be the right word, but yeah, taking her back would be the second biggest mistake you ever made. The fact that you know that but might do it anyway could be a problem. It means your fate is no longer in your own hands...it's in hers. And she's flaky, unstable, and not trustworthy. I know and it is not a wise thing to do, and its probably more to do with me being so lonely here. If i was back home with all my friends around and family it might be easier, but she is all i have/had here. I am thinking maybe just try and make the most of this part of my life, yeah i'm completely alone, but it is now a time to go out and try stuff, i've always fancied taking evening painting classes, i could do that and meet people, and maybe living on my own isn't so bad, i can come home now and watch what i want on tv, save money cos i only pay for myself etc. My ex from years ago is still a good friend of mine, she's been helpful, after we split in 2002 she got with a new guy who cheated on her and eventually went off and left her for another woman, she had to live in their apartment on her own for another 6 months due to the contract, she said she hated it at first, but after a few months really got used to it and learnt a lot more about herself, and it taught her to be independant and was a big excercise in taking control of her own life, she actually started enjoying it.
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