Sanslatete Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Almost time for bed again and my mind has begun to throw all the familiar pictures at me. I can picture her lying in bed with her hair framing her pillow. I used to love just watching her sleep, she was so beautiful. I'm picturing it as I type this and my heart is sinking. I know I don't help myself a lot of the time, but it just gets too hard to fight it at this time of night when the day has been a battle to get through. I wish it hadn't gone the way it did, I adored her and loved everything about her. I miss her voice and her laugh. I miss her silly one liners and the way she walked. I miss her embrace and kisses. I miss her phonecalls, texts and e-mails. I miss holding her hand and looking into her eyes. I miss massaging her back and kissing her neck. I miss walking with her and catching her glancing at me with love in her eyes..................... I miss everything. Like I said, I don't help myself sometimes, but her absence is so obvious late at night I can't help but feel bereft. Sad in the knowledge that it's all over and never will be again.
Biker2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Must be Sunday nights...the accumulation of a long, tough weekend. For whatever reason, I really had a hard time this week. It was cold and rainy this weekend...a time I had looked to stay indoors w/ her. I keep going back to lost opportunities and time. Even though I hated the fact that she would send text messages as opposed to calling or meeting in person for serious discussions, I really miss her text messages saying "Hi" or "have a great day". Little things can mean so much. I missed the way her eyes sparkled when we would be together and she was happy. My head knows it's over, but my heart keeps dredging up these memories...
Author Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 It's that time of night again, when there's no real distractions and my mind takes me on a (reluctant) trip down memory lane. I do miss her, I wish all that's happened hadn't and things were like they were before. Like you said biker, 'My head knows it's over, but my heart keeps dredging up these memories...'. Isn't life just keen?! Not!
Chinook Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 It sounds like a cliché but time really does heal. Well, it certainly numbs things anyhow. I can't really explain how it happens. Just somewhere along the way, you'll find you're not really thinking about her as much any more... even late at night before bed. I used to find that first thing in the morning and last thing at night were the worst times. I could be as busy as all hell all day long and I'd not think about him... until bed time and waking. It was torture. Somehow though, the brain processed that he wasn't coming back and he was gone. Somehow, it began to numb up and I'm hoping underneath all that numbness, there's some healing going on.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Somehow, it began to numb up and I'm hoping underneath all that numbness, there's some healing going on. I really hope so chinook, I really do.
Chinook Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Well, I seem to have gone in cycles. I have to be honest, I don't think I'm out of the woods yet at all. But I don't think I'm doing as badly as I was 17 weeks ago. I've been in some pretty low places in the last 17 weeks and there didn't seem like a whole lot worth hanging in for. During the initial 2-3 weeks, all I could think about was the split and him and what I did wrong, what he did wrong etc. Those first three weeks, I don't even know how I functioned. I don't even know how I managed to get to work each day, but I did. The remaining weeks since, it's been a veritable rollercoaster of up and down. I've had to cut contact with all my social group of friends so that I could go completely 'no contact'. Until I did that, things weren't getting any better. As well meaning as some mutual friends were, it didn't help. Instead I was left with a permanent pain in my tummy region whenever anyone mentioned him or how he was doing. In the end, I couldn't take it anymore. It also helped that I discovered (after the fact) that he had cheated on me the whole time we were together - so it made me angry. Then a little later, my head decided that anger was only hurting me. That's when my brain decided to kinda switch him off. I don't know what it is, or how it happens... but I don't/can't think about him. When I do, I somehow make a concerted effort to think about something else. It's not easy. It's painful. But it works. Sooner or later, the brain decides not to go there with it at all. So it kinda feels like the brain is numbing things up... waiting for time to pass, so that sooner or later, it won't hurt so much and I won't care so much. Then we can probably have a look at how to deal with it... by which time, it won't matter. My only real problem is the impact it's had on me dealing with other people. I'm kinda worried about aftermath of not trusting people and not wanting to either. Not being close to people and not wanting to be either. *sigh*
Author Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Yeah, I've lost my trust too, I don't any more. Don't think I could again, at least not very easily. Everything went when she did and everything I gave her of my emotions has dried up. Perhaps I'm just protecting myself, but I don't know how long this will go on,....the mistrusting bit. I get the heebeejeebees when I hear about her too and that takes my head in directions I'd rather not go. The good memories don't help at all, they make it worse if anything. So my days use up a lot of energy just 'not thinking'. Life in my bubble is making me very 'weird'.
wmrjw82 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I can't really explain how it happens. Just somewhere along the way, you'll find you're not really thinking about her as much any more... even late at night before bed. This is probably the most accurate and insightful thing i've read on here. I remember when it happened after my first love went the way of the dodo. It took many many months, but it was like one day out of the blue I realized I wasn't thinking about her as much and the feeling had faded. Sad really. It's now been 2 weeks of NC for me after I proposed to my ex. That rejection was the last straw for me. My heart still wishes she will come back but like you all my head knows the truth. I have regrets but I now realize that the crime did not fit the punishment. There is forgiveness in love. And she has none for me. So time to move on. And as with my first love, I know this love will fade as well in time. Sad but very very true.
Surfer Girl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I think the fact we have no control makes it somewhat harder... Wishing it to be so may not happen... It is letting go.... Are you still in contact? It takes however long it takes.... We still have to deal with reality... and when we don't have someone else to take their place I think we automatically come accustom to reverting to them to remember what we once had.... I am trying really hard to look at what the relationship was and how to better myself somewhat... As I don't want that obssesive memory to occupy my mind to long... It is not good for me...And may not be good for you... And may prohibit you trying to move on.....JMHO
Author Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Yeah, I know, it's just harder to block it all out in the wee small hours. No, I'm NC now, and it is difficult....very. I can keep my head occupied during the day-time, but the mornings and nighttimes are still a bastard. It's three months now after a 6 1/2 year relationship that only went on the skids in the last month. I'm trying to look at the positives but I really miss her, like a big wuss, even though she isn't the woman I knew any more. I can't explain it really, she was just 'the one' I thought and the reality still hurts.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 More of the same tonight. I've said it all before, but the reality still tears my heart out. I'm trying to be strong, move on, but this time of night is a motherfuc<er for memories. The mornings aren't that great either. Nearly text her today, don't know where I found the strength not to.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Another two weeks on and still more of the same. I read about this time when you just start not thinking about the ex any more,....but I'm still waiting for that. I'm not in denial or have her on a pedastal, but I am still hurt and bummed out at just losing what we had. I know it can sound a bit odd that I'm still struggling after all this time (4 months) but, to me at least, the relationship and everything it entailed was very special, and to be completely frozen out of her life now is torture. I appreciate this must make me seem like a sad sack that can't deal with the reality of what's happened, that may be true in some respects I guess, but I truly loved her and... I dunno, It's like coming off a drug for me and I'm having a very difficult cold-turkey. It's the evening of my birthday and I suppose I'm a bit more forelorn than usual because I didn't hear from her at all, not even a text. I know there's a thread on here about contacting on birthdays...etc, but this is the first one I've not spent with her in many years and I've reacted badly to her absence. Again, I'm aware that this must seem like the whinings of a geeky saddo, but I can't really explain how much I lost when I lost her. I do have a life, I do busy myself and make myself useful...volunteer work etc..but I still have this empty feeling that I can't seem to fill. Maybe I need intense psychiatric help or something, 'cos, I'm getting worried that this has gone on for so long and is still intense. I've known people to get through divorces quicker than this, but I'm still wading through molassis. So, once again, I'm sitting here with my head-full of thoughts, equally missing and hating her. Is there hope for me do you think? Is this just a stage I have to get through? Is this 'NORMAL' even? I know all about attachment theory and abandonment issues, but I feel this is just getting ridiculous. I need/want to move on, but I'm just 'stuck' in limboland. I don't want to be adding to this thread indefinitely, it's getting a bit much when my days are coated with sorrow and hurt....still.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I would say you stop beating yourself up for "still going through this after 4 months." Four months is NOTHING. Seriously. My therapist quickly stops me whenever the word "still" escapes my lips. There is no time limit on grief. We all have to feel it, deal with it (or run away from it) and seriously, do not beat yourself up for having a rough go of it. I know of people who, six months in, are unable to function, hold a job, or even begin to rebuild their lives. I have a friend who was living with a guy for a year, and eight months after that relationship ended, she is also grieving and healing. There probably is something about your birthday coming up. That's got to be hard. I've read a lot of books, and when you get "stuck" in one of the stages (i.e., depression, anger, etc.) then it's a good idea to seek out a therapist. I really think a good therapist is key component toward recovery, so if you haven't done that, I woud definitely recommend it. At the very least, he/she can help you realize how normal you really are! Good luck.
niceguy27 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Ive been following your thread for a bit. I go through the same ups and downs. Its been 2 months for me. Only recently has everything been finalized (all her stuff is gone now) and I dont cry or anything like that over her but all of the problems from this past year (finances, forced to move, family death, now her) are finally taking a toll on me. I was fine about a month after we broke up. I was keeping busy, thinking she just needed some space. Now, the reality is sinking in. I was going to propose to her this coming May. When you decide you want to spend your life with someone and are prepared for it...well, your right. It feels as though I lost something in me that I cant find now. I still have hope that maybe one day we will find each other again but its the fact that I have to go forward by myself and re-evaluate my life is what has gotten me so down lately. Acceptance is almost as hard as initially losing them because when you accept it, you know that you have truly let them go.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 Yes niceguy, I think it's the reality of 'letting go' that's the hard bit. Just knowing I'm on my own dealing with this when she used to be my rock....and it's her that's the problem now, something I never foresaw....ever. Crestfallen, yes, I am seeing a 'professional' but it's a long process. I've read countless books, journals and self-help stuff too. Anything just not to feel this sad all the time, it over-shadows my entire life and I can't enjoy anything. Thanks for your words of encouragement though, they go a long way to help me feel 'normal')ish.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Another night, another mindfuq. I know it's supposed to get better, but when? I feel like such a wimp, droning on and on about this every night, but it gets me so deep and I can't seem to get over it. I hate myself for being like this but I can't seem to stop feeling so miserable, regardless of what I involve myself in. There's always a part of my brain thinking and my heart aches all the time. I look forward to indifference and looking back at these pages in the time to come. In the meantime though, it's hell.
Bosiell Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hey Sans I have read a lot of your posts, from the very beginning. I am really sorry for your position mate, obviously doesnt need me to tell but it blows for sure. It is easy for everyone to say time will heal, at the moment for you it doesnt seem to be, but if you think back to how you were initially, I am sure you feel you have made progress, even if it has been up and down, the general curve will be up. As has been mentioned, it is impossible to put a time on how long any recovery will take. You were with her many years, she was your life, your everything. As it tough as it may sound, it could take some time yet before you start reclaiming some sense of it all. My relationship was very small time wise compared to you own, however the heartache I felt, but now to lesser degree, was terrible. I of course still think of her all the time, all the memories stil hurt, but not quite as much as they used to. Very very hard to take still why we are not together. However I know in time I WILL get over this, I have now accepted it is going to take longer than I thought. I just keep telling myself to keep taking steps forward each day, no matter how much I am messed up, always keep moving forward, the days will pass and I will be myself (if not stronger) eventually. Keep strong Sans..
MattyTee Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hey Sans man I've kept up with you too. I'm sorry to hear it's so hard. I'm going through a rough patch tonight - feeling very angry now and wanting to rant. Take it easy man. Keep strong and keep letting it out.
latefragment Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 hey sanslatete - I am sorry about what you're going through. 4 months is NOTHING. Also - I REALLY REALLY hear you on the whole mornings and nights thing, I am the same exact way. I'll be keeping myself so busy I can't keep track of all my obligations, but once it's late at night or ... early in the morning, right when I wake up -- BAM !!! you're hit with this really, really severe pain. I know exactly how you feel. It sucks. At least it's comforting knowing you're not alone right?
Author Sanslatete Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Thanks for the feedback guys, I appreciate your time and comments. Yet again it's night time and the demons are back. It is comforting (sort of) to know I'm not alone in my misery. I am angry like you too MattyTee, fuqing furious sometimes at being left with this shyt. I just want to get my head over all this and not feel crap all the time. I do similar to you latefragment, and manically fill my days to distract myself, sometimes taking on more than I can possibly handle, but I'd rather keep busy than brood. Bosiell, I know what you mean about still not getting why we're not together, it was such a shock and was totally unexpected. I never thought in May that I'd be in this situation by the end of the year, never in a million years, it wasn't even hinted at. So it's good to be in your guy's company, being able to vent. But I expect we'd all rather be oblivious to this site and getting on with the lives that we'd become accustomed to with our respective partners (ex's). It's bitter sweet really? But thanks for being there anyway.
Author Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Another night, another month, and still dealing. It's not as bad as it was but I hope I'm not heading for a relapse. I just wish it hadn't all happened, I still can't get my head around it.
MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 It goes up and down, that's it's nature. I remember someone else posting on here (I can't remember who sorry) that as we feel stronger our mind will release more to deal with, thus we feel low again. It's a process of coping and it's taken in chunks that we can handle. I think I would agree with that. Understanding is the most difficult thing for me as well mate. I constantly ask how the hell can this have happened, how can she change so much etc. We have just move on to a place of acceptance. Accepting that we can't know why it happened but it has and we need to embrace it. It's not easy, but each step towards acceptance will help. Keep strong man
Night is Long Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Another night, another mindfuq. I know it's supposed to get better, but when? I feel like such a wimp, droning on and on about this every night, but it gets me so deep and I can't seem to get over it. I hate myself for being like this but I can't seem to stop feeling so miserable, regardless of what I involve myself in. There's always a part of my brain thinking and my heart aches all the time. I look forward to indifference and looking back at these pages in the time to come. In the meantime though, it's hell. You are going through a grieving process similar to the one people suffer through when their loved one dies. The best thing to do is keep yourself busy. When you feel these thoughts coming on, quickly change your way of thinking. Shout it out if you have to. Remind yourself that you were okay before you met her and you will be okay now that she's gone. Don't let one woman steal your joy.
Author Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I do try to put my mind in that place NIL, but I didn't know her or love her before I met her so I've got all those memories and thoughts to contend with. Plus all the shattered dreams and hopes. I have my ups and downs, but the downs are longer lasting and more relentless.
Recommended Posts