He wanted to see other people... I told him to get lost

[sarayanna]

Okay, so I will try not to make this long, but I need advice.

 

I am recently divorced (6 months) and after so long in an unhappy marriage, I decided to try online dating shortly after it became final. Well, three months ago I met this seemingly great guy after several one-date disasters.

 

We had a lot in common. Both had similar positions, travelled a lot for work, etc. We hit it off right away and spent amazing times together. We had elaborate dates - skydiving, trips to other cities for baseball games, nice dinners, etc. Right away he pushed for exclusivity and we both stopped dating others. I should mention here that yes, we did sleep together a little over a month into the dating relationship.

 

Most of our discussions were about future plans; trips we could take several months into the future, etc. He has a 7-year-old daughter; I have two kids ages 6 and 12. We had several discussions around two months in about meeting the children. I told him I wanted to wait until we were "sure". He agreed and then one day on a day I didn't have my kids and he did, he showed up at my house with her in tow. I was very gracious though a bit surprised and they stayed a half hour. His daughter told him he liked me. I felt like it was too soon but was flattered by the gesture.

 

So a week ago (2 1/2 months in) we had plans for a date that evening and he called as planned and talked about the day he'd had, where we could go that night, and what time he would pick me up. He then said he wanted to talk about something and said he knew he had pushed for us to be exclusive but felt like we were moving too fast and wanted to back off a bit and perhaps see other people. It was an hour long conversation but I basically told him I was a bit irritated by the fact that he was the one who wanted to date exclusively to begin with and now too much had happened for us to go back. I told him I understood how he was feeling, that if he felt he wanted to see others, he should, but he would not be seeing me.

 

Now a week has gone by with no contact whatsoever. I realized during this process that I am not ready for a long-term commitment either and that was where things were heading. I am assuming by his silence he has moved on and is perhaps pursuing another love interest, and I guess I just can't get past the fact that he chose to TELL ME THIS OVER THE PHONE. I am also baffled by the fact that he introduced me to his daughter less than two weeks before telling me he wants to see others.

 

That being said, I do miss him and wonder if I was too harsh in my response to him. I expected to hear from him by now; I am tempted to call but my logic tells me not to. I would love any advice, please?

[Sanslatete]

I don't think he's being fair to anyone in this situation, especially his daughter. Why did he involve anyone else if he had this at the back of his mind I wonder? I can appreciate why you were pissed off at him, as it was his idea to date exclusively in the first place. And to give you the news over the phone is a bit cowardly and suspicious. If this is the way he treats you after such a short time, I'd take that as a warning, and a blessing that you didn't go any further with him. The consequences could've been harsher longer down the line, when you'd invested more time, love and energy. Thank your lucky stars that it happened now and bail, don't contact him. I imagine you're pretty broken up about it all, but hopefully, someday you'll see it for the close shave that it is?

[sarayanna]

Thank you for your reply. Reading it somehow made me feel better. I think the conversation would have gone differently if it had been in person. I wasn't ready for love and commitment either since I am freshly out of an 8 year marriage, but I thought we had more time to decide what direction to go in.

 

At any rate, you are right; he was kind of all over the place. He said he just didn't have as strong of feelings as he felt he should for me (after 2 1/2 months??!!!) so he wanted to back off. That hurt. Still does.

[daphne]

The reason you feel irritated is because you feel like you got bait and switched. Because you did. This guy pushed for exclusivity too early, probably based on an assumption that everything would be perfect, and he's growing hesitant/scared now that it is going forward as lightning speed (of his own doing). It's natural to want to pull back at some point when you've moved too fast without building a foundation. However, rushing in itself is something a 20 year old might do. If he has kids, I'm guessing he's a little older and should know better.

 

Flakey people are in a rush early on. Their idea of love is a foolish romantic notion that everything will be like in the movies and will just "work out." They're in love with hte idea. In reality, real love takes time and eventually work. There have been a cajillion songs written about it. I wouldn't be concerned about being harsh. I don't know that this guy has what it takes for a real relationship. He's got his head in the clouds. I'm also wondering whether or not he had somene else in mind when he said he wanted to date other people. Regardless, I don't think this guy is a catch.

[oppath]

the bait and switch sucks. 2.5 months isn't too early to be exclusive. It depends on the people, and at some point, you have to take a risk. But he did push the pace, now he wants to go backwards.

 

You can't go backwards in relationships. You can give space if COMMITMENT is still present, but you can't go backwards. If a woman wants to be exclusive with me, but then wants to date others too...NO. Being exclusive doesn't mean you won't be tempted or feel attraction just because you've committed -- because there is an assumed risk before lust fully turns into love (meaning people gamble on potential before they are in love in an attempt to become more intimate) -- but it does mean you made a choice. To renig on that choice is quite cruel.

 

If you get into a relationship, it should end because "it's not working out. My feelings have changed. I don't think we are the right people for each other to continue this relationship." When someone pulls back, but still wants to sleep with you or date you, they keep hope alive. They keep the cord attached. It is quite selfish. This guy isn't taking responsibility. Let him go.

[wizer]

Don't second guess yourself on this one. You did really good. He's playing games with you by pushing for a more commited relationship, bringing his child to meet you, and then putting the breaks on, and not even having the balls to do it in person...that last part is significant only in that it shows you the type of person he is.

 

His actions indicate that he already had someone else at the time he called you. Otherwise he would have stuck it out with you longer (until he met someone else). That's the way most guys are.

[sarayanna]

Thank you for the responses. I admit I actually felt really good at the time for the way I handled it. And his silence indicates to me he has found someone and that is perhaps what sparked this whole thing.

 

I did learn a lot in the process and realize now I will not rush into anything in the near future. I am fresh out of a marriage and not ready for love and commitment. I liked the idea of being exclusive and having someone I could count on to spend time with that I could trust, but I can't see rearranging my life at this juncture to accommodate a more serious commitment.

 

By realizing that, I realized seeing other people and stepping back would not necessarily have been bad, but I don't think I would have felt good about going backwards in the relationship and would likely have wondered who else he was spending time with. I certainly would have discontinued sleeping with him, without question. I guess the bottom line is, I don't like the way he handled it. It was cowardly. We were to see eachother that night and we could have discussed it then. In the end, he is clearly immature and a basket case who doesn't know what he wants. Thanks for all the responses. I will be fine. We were just so compatible in so many ways and that is not easy to find.

[Spinderella]

It sounds as though, he is afraid of getting to that stage again, and so is testing how he feels when he is at that stage. Actually, he isnt ready, which is why he is afraid in the first place.

Neither of you are ready. Perhaps you could just call him, and say you understand how he feels, and that neither of you are ready. You could even become friends and help each other through the similar situations you are both in.

[sarayanna]

I had considered that since we are both in similar places, but I just can't get past the fact that he was so cowardly in the way he handled the situation. I am still angry about that and my feelings are hurt.

[Spinderella]

Its understandable your feelings are hurt, and you in no way should have to accept that treatment. It still just sounds like he is scared though, although perhaps cowardly IS more like it.

[sarayanna]

Okay, so here is the email I wrote to him. Should I send? Opinions are welcome!!!

 

I’m writing because I don’t really like how things ended between us. I am assuming by your silence that you have moved on and perhaps are pursuing a new love interest, but I wanted you to know I have had time to think about everything and why things happened the way they did and I have learned a lot through the process and I want to take responsibility for my actions. I am not certain, but I think perhaps another thing we share in common is our analytical side. Because of being highly analytical, it sometimes takes me time to process things and at work I have learned when those times are so I don’t make snap decisions. That is not always the case in my personal life.

 

First, I want to tell you that you were right about a lot of things; in fact, you were right about just about everything. We did move too quickly and should have backed off. Neither of us was prepared for the next level of a relationship. While you telling me your feelings for me weren’t that strong stung a little bit, I realize I feel the same way. We had never really connected on any emotional level, so that really makes sense. In fact, I subconsciously always tried to keep it light when we spoke so as to keep the emotional intimacy at bay.

 

I also was taken aback by the idea that you wanted to back off because you weren’t ready for a commitment – that was so out in left field for me because I was not projecting that far ahead. Had I projected, I would have been just as (if not more) scared than you. I guess I was just enjoying having someone to spend time with that I could count on and trust without sacrificing any of my personal freedoms or establishing any emotional connection. I realize now I spent our entire relationship mirroring your actions – you were all in; so was I – you pulled back; so did I, while at the same time, spending a disproportionate amount of time with my girlfriends having fun. In doing all of this, I protected myself from being vulnerable to any degree and/or susceptible to getting hurt. At the same time, we were both sending mixed signals and further contributing to the confusion.

 

I laugh now because I had forgotten that relationships are a continuum. You go through a series of bad dates to get to a good one. The good one leads to more good ones, then comes exclusivity, then love and commitment. I had pretty much forgotten about love and commitment and was content to hang out at the exclusivity phase pretty much in perpetuity, or at least as long as possible. Although the idea of love, commitment and marriage sounds wonderful someday, I am pretty cognizant of the fact that I am not ready for that level of commitment. I do miss the companionship, etc. but not to the degree where I am willing to rearrange my life and give up personal freedoms in order for it to happen – at least not at this particular juncture of my life. I guess I assumed we had more time before I had to consider the implications of a long-term commitment and that we might figure it out together.

 

At any rate, it is clear to me now why things happened the way they did and how I contributed. I guess we both had our internal struggles with this because of the recentness of our divorces, but projected them in different ways. I very much enjoyed spending time together and found us to be compatible. I do think the potential for stronger feelings existed, had we both been willing to be more vulnerable with one another. I want to take responsibility for getting caught up in all of it and not stopping to evaluate what direction we should go in. For all of that I am very sorry.

 

I do miss you and will cherish the many memories somehow jam-packed into two months. I also miss your football tickets (KIDDING!). I hope you are doing well.

[Spinderella]

My opinion is.

Dont send it. Maybe the last paragraph. The rest is too long. What is the purpose of the letter? Do you want to be friends?

[sarayanna]

I never sent it. I don't know what the desired outcome would have been anyway. Writing it made me feel better. It has been three weeks of NC. I haven't heard from him at all and I have refrained from contacting him in any way. I still think about him everyday, but I am moving on. I am seeing a few people casually and trying to move on with my life.

 

About a week ago, I saw he put his profile back on Match. My profile is not public or visible, but I can still search. That tells me he didn't "find" someone - he just didn't want me.