seven3four Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 We were together for 3+ years and relationship started out great; very compatible and the attraction/attention was reciprocated equally. after 1 year she left for grad school and we decided to continue as LDR. we visited each other regularly and always had great times. we had sporadic fights as most people do but always made up. she was depressed because of her performance in grad school and was on prozac for a while; i supported her as much as possible but could only do so much. this put a strain on the relationship causing me to withdraw a bit emotionally but I still had strong feelings for her and every intention of spending my life with her. This summer she had an internship on the east coast and we had talked about me living there for the summer with her. i had a work related issue that prevented me from going with her so i just visited. the last time i visited i had noticed a change in her. the sex had become kind of boring and it was obvious the passion was below average as well; this may have been happening for a few months. i knew something was wrong but couldn't really figure out what. i blamed it on the distance. while in new york we had a fight about something quite trivial and she broke up with me. we made up and i came home. this is when i decided that it was time to take the relationship to the next level as we had talked about in the past. i had always told her that we shouldn't make any major decisions until she was finished with school but i decided to propose anyways. i never got the chance; 2 weeks later she came home and broke up with me saying the feelings had faded. i didn't take it very well; knocked the wind out of me and i acted like a wussy but accepted it. i wrote her a letter telling her that and wished her luck in the future. she responded with a long letter telling me she was unsure of her decision and that maybe we should talk about it more. we decided to meet for a week in one month to determine whether we should stay together or not. during this month she called everyday but was very distant. i told her that she didn't have to call as much since she was the one who needed the space. i was suspicious that there may be someone else but didn't make a big deal of it. i asked and she said there wasn't so i just trusted her on that. she was under a lot of pressure w/ school and the internship so again i assumed this was the problem. while in new york she began drinking more than usual and seemed to have a personality shift. she listened to different music, wasn't interested in the subjects we had always talked about, and even criticized the ways we spoke to each other.. i.e pet names, playful talk, etc. she began critiquing me for things that she use to say she was attracted to me for. she told me i couldn't relate to what she was going through and that was true; i never went through anything like that so how could i? this month was hell for me but i tried to keep things light and hoped that our time together on the next visit would allow us to work things out. when i went to visit her she had done nothing to prepare. she was wearing sweats, no make up, and hadn't even done her hair in months; she even gained a little weight, very unlike her. she was very irritable and i felt like i was walking on eggshells the whole time. i felt if she had already made the decision to leave me but she insisted this wasn't the case. during this week we discussed everything and came to the conclusion that we really didn't have any major issues except for the fact that she wasn't as attracted to me anymore as she used to be. the day before i left she said that she thought we should see other people. again, i was devastated but accepted it. we went out for one last dinner, had drinks and actually had a great time. she told me over and over how much she would miss me and made promises to finish school which i thought was odd given the circumstances. we went back to her place and went to sleep. in the middle of the night she woke up and told me that she was afraid of losing me and thought we should stay together. i asked her if she was sure of this and she said yes. she then proceeded to propose to me. i said yes of course. that day we went and bought the ring and informed all our families and friends. i postponed my flight and we spent the next two days together planning our future. she even bought wedding magazines. i asked her one last time if there was anyone else while in new york and she finally admitted there was but it was over. it was another intern that was going through the same program as her. he lives on the east coast as well so i didn't see it as much of a threat. she said it was an intellectual attraction. i was hurt but forgave her and we both promised each other that we were going to communicate better in the future to prevent this type of thing from happening. we also decided to increase the frequency of our visits. everything seemed ok at this point. i could tell something was bothering her but just assumed this was a major decision she had made and she was reflecting. she was very affectionate again and told me the feelings for me had returned; not completely but had started to come back. she was visiting a friend that weekend so i dropped her off at the train station before i left for the airport to come home. when i landed i received a text message from her telling me things are not ok and to call ASAP. she told me she was in love with someone else and needed to be with him and it was over. again; devastated.. there was nothing i could do or say to change her mind so i just had to let her go. we haven't spoke in 2 weeks now and i miss her very much. i know what she did was rotten and don't know if i could ever forgive her or even want to be with someone capable of this. but the truth is i love her.. the first 2.5 years of our relationship was great and although i am trying to move on with my life and have no intention of contacting her i still have a little hope that someday she will return and we could rekindle. The guy she left me for is the complete opposite of me; she had always referred to her colleagues as computer nerds and that she would never be attracted to that type. I know its over but am still confused..
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 ...came to the conclusion that we really didn't have any major issues except for the fact that she wasn't as attracted to me anymore as she used to be...she said that she thought we should see other people...she was afraid of losing me and thought we should stay together... she then proceeded to propose to me.. she told me she was in love with someone else and needed to be with him and it was over. Women are nuts. You just confirmed any lingering doubts I might have had.
sedgwick Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Everything you've said points to severe depression. Especially since she's had it before. Is she seeing a therapist or taking any meds now? I know that for me when I was in grad school my depression worsened because I was under so much stress and I wasn't sleeping or eating properly.
Author seven3four Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 yes, she has issues with depression; maybe even a little manic. I don't think she is acknowledging this though. it definitely sucked the life out of me over the past year or so but i did all i could to support her. it was hard sometimes; she would lash out at me for being to optimistic at times. it was my main reason for not wanting to live together while she was in grad school. the other reason was that we would be moving somewhere else afterwards and i didn't think it was a good idea for me to drop everything here and follow her around until she decided where her career would take her. i had every intention of compromising when we had a more definitive plan and we discussed this many times. it seems that she only remembers certain parts of these discussions though. it's not my problem anymore.. i still care about her a lot but she jumped right into another relationship(while we were still somewhat together) so i need to let her go. i don't know if it's considered rebound or what but i still have hope that she will snap out of it and at least try to be alone for a while. except for recent events she is a very good person that has many qualities i'm crazy about. I'm curious about whether rebound LDRs ever work.. while i'm moving on with my life i'd still like to leave the door open in case the girl i once knew returns.
Pentula77 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 sounds like this chick towed you along for a good year or two...not a nice thing to do, but hey she was confused ! dude next time u'll know that when the bs starts you walk... tough love !
Author seven3four Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 the bs only started this summer.. before that we were close and very much into each other; many good times. both had our faults, who doesn't, but when things got a little difficult she ran. it's too bad but i'll recover and do it again.
Sanslatete Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Just don't be in too much of a hurry, take it slow and get over it properly.
Krying Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 sounds like this chick towed you along for a good year or two...not a nice thing to do, but hey she was confused ! dude next time u'll know that when the bs starts you walk... tough love ! No woman is truly confused as to what they want. Any woman in love with a man will do whatever it takes to get him. If there was any confusion it wasn't serious stuff. She was cheating on you man and that's low. You took her back, she proposed to you, and she bolted. She's not confused, she's just not getting what she wants, and right now that's not you. You're the doormat here and are only in the picture when the other guy/s she's after turn out to not be so fab afterall.
brothermartin Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I can kinda relate to what has happened to you man. Kinda, from my last ex. She had so many issues and did so much damage to my psyche, I started smoking. But thats another story. Look man, it sounds like your ex has some serious issues, but so do you. Sorry, but it had to be said. I know because I went through the same s**t as you.Think about this: If you had stronger self confidence and a healthy level of self-esteem, do you think you would have stuck around with her through all that and let yourself be treated like that? Hell no. You sound like a sensitive guy, but theres a difference between being sensitive and being a push around. So, im gonna give you the same s**##y,crappy, hard-to-swallow advice that my friends gave me. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Your life cannot be about her since her life was not about you.
alwayshurt Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I read your story man and I got chilled. It really suck and I feel for you. Stick around to this forum...you're not alone. There are lots of people here that can give support and advices. You didn't do anything wrong other than being in love with the wrong person. I am sorry Brothermartin, but I think it is a bit too much saying that this fellas has issues. You said you've been there too so you know how it feels to be in love with somebody. A long term relationship cannot be thrown out without even giving a second chance. Ok, he failed and I am sure that there won't be a third one. We all go thru this s***, and we know that when we are there we loose our mind. We all make mistake when we are in love just because our minds get blinded. Eventually, we get back to our feet and we see things differently. I can give advice to anybody here by telling what to do, but when it is about to me do I really have any advice to give me? I have read many posts here. There are few people that sound really wise and we all appreciate their comments/advices. But sometime, from their posts, them too have difficulties in making decisions because at the end we all are human being. Some people are less sensitive than others and react better or better said they move on faster. Others try hard until they realize on their on when it is over. It is always hard to loose somebody that is special to our eyes. At time, we think it is worth to try any possible way to keep our loved one. As long as we don't loose our dignity or trash ourself. It does not mean we have issues. We are jus humans!!
Author seven3four Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 You're the doormat here and are only in the picture when the other guy/s she's after turn out to not be so fab afterall. i was the doormat; briefly.. i would never and won't tolerate this in the long run. if i had known that there was somebody else in the picture i would have ended it. i was willing to forgive because this was out of character for her and thought she deserved a 2nd chance. if she does ever come back she would have to work for it.. bigtime.
Author seven3four Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 If you had stronger self confidence and a healthy level of self-esteem, do you think you would have stuck around with her through all that and let yourself be treated like that? Hell no. i'm very confident and emotionally stable; this has shaken me a bit but will recover. also, this all happened within the last 2 months. before that she was a great girlfriend. that doesn't excuse her behavior but i really don't think i did anything wrong and have no regrets. i do know its her loss but will still miss her
Author seven3four Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 met someone, had a couple great dates; confidence is returning and thinking about her less everyday.
gnyoda Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Great story man. Good to hear you are moving on, and realizing you are on a different level then her. I dont think you were being pushed around, you just cared about her, you loved her.
Author seven3four Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 that is correct.. miss her tremendously but if it's meant to be it will happen in the future; i'm not holding my breath. in the mean time i'm going to enjoy being single and free ;-)
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