tebon01 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 My girlfriend doesnt have a job and hasnt had one for over a year. She has really low self esteem and says she "sucks at everything". She talks about applying to certain places but then the deadline passes and she moves on to the next thing. She has so many good qualities but I cant get past this problem. I've offered to pay for schooling if she wanted to go. Ive also help w/ her resume but she just gets overwhelmed thinking about that stuff. Its not even about the job, I'd be fine if she just found something she was passionate about and pursued it. I think its her depression/low self esteem thats preventing her from doing anything. She wont see a shrink and she hates the idea of taking any kind of pills. I told her I wanted a break this weekend. I didnt know what else to do. She says I should love her unconditionally and help her through it. I dont know what to think any more. Would greatly appreciate an outsiders point of view. cheers.
clueless24 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 have you tried talking to her about this problem? for awhile, i was really depressed and suddenly so unhappy about everything about my life...my ex bf and i finally talked about the problem and it turned out that i was so unhappy in the relationship but was avoiding it. i am not saying that this could be the problem, but talk to her and let her know it's okay to be completely honest with you. goodluck
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 If she doesn't take steps to better her situation you will eventually tire of her because she will be doing nothing but dragging you down and bringing negativity into your life. "Unconditional love" not withstanding.
Darkzen Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Communicate, bring in a neutral perspective if needed (counselor). I think you should try and help her through her depression, but I would understand you choosing to leave. You cannot help her until you figure out what the actual problem is... her depression is merely the effect. She's depressed for sure, I've been in the same spot before, it went away when me and my ex parted ways (she was my problem). Pills are a temporary band-aid, they don't work unless it's a physiological problem. Best to work out the problem if you really care about her... that's the point of a relationship IMHO, being there for one another through the good and the bad. The honorable thing to do is to be supportive until they refuse to put out the effort. Although, only after you find out out the real issue.
WaterTiger Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 A year is plenty of time to wait for her to get her ***** together. She needs professional help that you cannot supply. By "supporting" her the only thing you are doing is enabling her misery. In effect, you're giving beer to an alcoholic. Two years from now you will be in the exact same situation. Supporting her while she "works things out", in debt with her bills, full of resentment & misery. Cutting this girl loose might just be the jolt she needs to seek help.
jophil28 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 She says I should love her unconditionally and help her through it. I dont know what to think any more. Would greatly appreciate an outsiders point of view. cheers. The demand on you for "unconditional love" is one gigantic manipulation by a lazy self-absorbed brat. Unconditional love is a delusion in the adult world, Children are entitled to be loved in spite of their mistakes. Adults are NOT. Get a grip man - she is a user and a leaner. Give her some tough love . Take a break before you get drained dry by this vampire child and let her fend for herself like the rest of the adult population .. Better still, reach down and pull that yellow and black level marked EJECT.
Author tebon01 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 In effect, you're giving beer to an alcoholic. Thats exactly the example I gave to her. Nice to hear people w/ outside perspectives that agree. The honorable thing to do is to be supportive until they refuse to put out the effort. I've tried for a year. She refuses to get help and says that counseling is not for her. I think jophil28 is right and at this point only tough love will work.
Darkzen Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Thats exactly the example I gave to her. Nice to hear people w/ outside perspectives that agree. I've tried for a year. She refuses to get help and says that counseling is not for her. I think jophil28 is right and at this point only tough love will work. Maybe I'm not understanding it clearly, but what have you tried for a year? Support her? Financially and emotionally? Did you approach her with a counselor and not a psychiatrist/medication? You know the difference right? Sometimes people just need to talk, it helps them find answers that they cannot find on their own. Sometimes they need to confide in strangers as well, because they're insecure about opening up to those they care for. There's a problem in her head, walking away won't fix it... that's not how the human mind works. It merely forces the person to go into survival mode, doing what they must to get by... regardless of their mental state. It doesn't fix the problem, in-fact, I'd say it makes more problems in the long run. There's nothing "tough" about love. People like to delude themselves and call frustration, "tough love". It's unfair to hold people up to your own standards (plus rather disappointing). Maybe you're perfect and can judge people for handling an issue worse than you could. The truth of the matter is... it's selfish of you and dishonorable (based on what I've heard). Had you been so perfect that you can judge her, to the point of imposing your ideals on her, she wouldn't have gotten this bad to begin with. You'd have recognized the problem in the beginning and given her the type of support she needed. Like I said, I understand that you're frustrated and walking away is a reasonable decision, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's the only avenue or the right thing to do (let alone honorable). You signed up with the program, that includes the good times and the bad times. I come from a place where my word is my bond... until things are completely out of my control, I'll do everything in my power to keep my word. Ignorance is no excuse either. Is it common for you to reach an obstacle and give up? Or do you try to find alternate ways around the obstacle? Even if the alternate ways are difficult.
jophil28 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Maybe I'm not understanding it clearly, but what have you tried for a year? Support her? Financially and emotionally? Did you approach her with a counselor and not a psychiatrist/medication? You know the difference right? Sometimes people just need to talk, it helps them find answers that they cannot find on their own. Sometimes they need to confide in strangers as well, because they're insecure about opening up to those they care for. There's a problem in her head, walking away won't fix it... that's not how the human mind works. It merely forces the person to go into survival mode, doing what they must to get by... regardless of their mental state. It doesn't fix the problem, in-fact, I'd say it makes more problems in the long run. There's nothing "tough" about love. People like to delude themselves and call frustration, "tough love". It's unfair to hold people up to your own standards (plus rather disappointing). Maybe you're perfect and can judge people for handling an issue worse than you could. The truth of the matter is... it's selfish of you and dishonorable (based on what I've heard). Had you been so perfect that you can judge her, to the point of imposing your ideals on her, she wouldn't have gotten this bad to begin with. You'd have recognized the problem in the beginning and given her the type of support she needed. Like I said, I understand that you're frustrated and walking away is a reasonable decision, but don't fool yourself into thinking it's the only avenue or the right thing to do (let alone honorable). You signed up with the program, that includes the good times and the bad times. I come from a place where my word is my bond... until things are completely out of my control, I'll do everything in my power to keep my word. Ignorance is no excuse either. Is it common for you to reach an obstacle and give up? Or do you try to find alternate ways around the obstacle? Even if the alternate ways are difficult. THis is all so much touchy feelly, girly ,wishy-washy crap. Just the sort of limp shyte that you would expect from LS males. You G/f is REFUSING to help herself. Read that again - REFUSING ! She said " Counseling is not for me " .. Huh ! You have two choices - 1. Bail, and let her fix her own problems. 2. Continue to push her around in a wheelbarrow. You will get real tired and pissed, and she gets a free ride.. Be a man and go the tough route.
Author tebon01 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Maybe I'm not understanding it clearly, but what have you tried for a year? Support her? Financially and emotionally? Offered to pay for school, a counselor, I've tried to nudge her into applying for jobs that shes shown interest in, comforted her when she tried to explain why she was depressed and couldnt find a job, tried to get her to help me with some creative projects I've worked on ( Paying jobs), tried to get her into exercising because I know that can help with depression. Maybe you're perfect and can judge people for handling an issue worse than you could. The truth of the matter is... it's selfish of you and dishonorable (based on what I've heard).I dont feel like I'm judging. I've been depressed and w/o a job too so I know a little bit about what shes going through.
Darkzen Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 THis is all so much touchy feelly, girly ,wishy-washy crap. Just the sort of limp shyte that you would expect from LS males. You G/f is REFUSING to help herself. Read that again - REFUSING ! She said " Counseling is not for me " .. Huh ! You have two choices - 1. Bail, and let her fix her own problems. 2. Continue to push her around in a wheelbarrow. You will get real tired and pissed, and she gets a free ride.. Be a man and go the tough route. Ok "tough guy". I don't need to prove how tough I am over the internet. I know I'm a tough person, I'm just not a d*ckweed. There's a difference and you may want to figure it out. I was an amateur mixed martial artist, should I go around kicking people's asses to feel like a tough guy? The OP clarified things a little more and it seems he did put the effort in, if that's the case, move on... Based on the original posts, there were some hazy areas. I try to fully understand a situation before I offer advice, unlike you. By all means though, live in your little fantasy world. You can speak to me when you do basic training with a broken wrist for 2 months and not complain once. Being tough and trying to act tough are two different things. I know what I'm capable of, I have no need to try and pound my chest. tebon01: If you feel that you've given it a real effort, then go ahead and do your thing man. I just wanted to see if you thought things through fully, before making that kind of a decision. People don't know everything and sometimes it's nice to hear all different types of perspectives, before making such a big decision.
jcster Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Unconditional love is a delusion in the adult world, Children are entitled to be loved in spite of their mistakes. Adults are NOT. Well then... we love you anyway.
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