Sean0775 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Well...it would have been nice if you had, because this one is no longer about my problems with the personals anymore, it's become yours. Eh, woes are woes in the end, and misery does love company. I don't know your age but in my age range, kids are a given. It's not a matter of: "do you have kids?", it's: "how many and how old are they?" However, when I was younger, I was interested in those without kids. I sort of compromised out of necessity. Kids DO complicate things and relationships are already complicated. But I will say this....you're going to be ruling out more and more potential partners. I'm 24. With the average age for having kids seemingly getting younger, it's starting to look unavoidable. Granted, I do find I prefer women a little older than me, as they're typically done with things like barhopping, going out dancing, and everything related by then. As for kids complicating things, already learned that the hard way. This is a major factor to consider in your relationships with women with children. If they don't agree with you on this issue, I guarantee the relationship won't work. This is why I say that children complicate relationships. There are so many other factors you need to think of. I wouldn't rule out women with kids but I'd make sure you're on the same wavelength about them. Yeah, my last girlfriend was trying too hard to be her daughter's friend instead of being her mother. Having kids that think you're cool is a nice thought, but in the end that's not what's best for their future. If they are introducing you to their kids before a serious relationship has been established its a red flag. Don't agree to meet their kids early on and don't try to win the kids over by buying them stuff. Your just Mom's friend or casual acquaintance. I would be very leery of a parent that lets you meet their kids too soon. No intention at all to buy the kids things, I own my fair share of video game systems, and they're all fairly portable. As for meeting the kids, I really don't think it's a bad idea to meet someone's kids early as the child will always be the crux of the relationship (if they're younger at least).
nittygritty Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Eh, woes are woes in the end, and misery does love company. I'm 24. With the average age for having kids seemingly getting younger, it's starting to look unavoidable. Granted, I do find I prefer women a little older than me, as they're typically done with things like barhopping, going out dancing, and everything related by then. As for kids complicating things, already learned that the hard way. Yeah, my last girlfriend was trying too hard to be her daughter's friend instead of being her mother. Having kids that think you're cool is a nice thought, but in the end that's not what's best for their future. No intention at all to buy the kids things, I own my fair share of video game systems, and they're all fairly portable.As for meeting the kids, I really don't think it's a bad idea to meet someone's kids early as the child will always be the crux of the relationship (if they're younger at least). Its not in the best interests of the kids to meet every person their parent goes out with and if their parent doesn't see that than I would be concerned about their parenting skills.
Sean0775 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Its not in the best interests of the kids to meet every person their parent goes out with and if their parent doesn't see that than I would be concerned about their parenting skills. I can see your point, but it would be pretty frustrating to take the time to get to know someone only to have things shut down after meeting her kids. I already view my last relationship (and every failed relationship really...) as a waste of time, so I'd like to avoid repeating that as much as possible. I'm starting to think it's how I'm messaging people that isn't getting me responses. I used to type quite a bit, but when I realized everything I was sending was clearly visible in my profile I just started sending contact info in case the woman I was messaging wasn't a paying member. This last one I just told her I liked what I read about her and asked how she liked to be contacted. Do I need to be redundant and talk about me in these messages when the same thing can be read with one click?
Author uniqueone Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I'm 24. With the average age for having kids seemingly getting younger, it's starting to look unavoidable. If you're finding this to be the case, then you're hanging around the wrong crowd. As a general rule, it's the smarter women who have kids at a later age. Also, you won't see Deb, the Debutante pregnant at 16, but you WILL see trailer trash Tina toting a tot around before she's out of high school. It says something about a person's class. Yeah, my last girlfriend was trying too hard to be her daughter's friend instead of being her mother. Having kids that think you're cool is a nice thought, but in the end that's not what's best for their future. You're going to find a lot of young single parents to be like this. When a person is with a spouse, the spouse is their friend. When there is no spouse, they look to the child as a friend. I've seen this in countless divorce situations. It's a selfish thing. The parent wants friendship...closeness. He/she would have to give up some of the close friendship in order to be a disciplinarian and he/she doesn't want to give up any part of it because they feel that they need that friendship (for themselves). And they don't feel like they're depriving the child of anything because they're being the child's friend which they figure is great for the child.
latefragment Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 uniqueone i've been reading your thread and have to agree with you that i've had zero luck with the online thing. Just wanted to chime in on the divorce issue: my folks got divorced when I was very small and my mom never dated or remarried. She stayed a loner, and sought closeness/friendship through me. Puts a lot of pressure when you're the only child and you have (geographical) wanderlust. Also I feel a tremendous amount of guilt all the time and feel like I'm responsible for my mother's happiness (or lack thereof, or her loneliness).
Author uniqueone Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 uniqueone i've been reading your thread and have to agree with you that i've had zero luck with the online thing. Just wanted to chime in on the divorce issue: my folks got divorced when I was very small and my mom never dated or remarried. She stayed a loner, and sought closeness/friendship through me. Puts a lot of pressure when you're the only child and you have (geographical) wanderlust. Also I feel a tremendous amount of guilt all the time and feel like I'm responsible for my mother's happiness (or lack thereof, or her loneliness). That must be so difficult and yet it's so commonplace today. If I was a single parent, I think I could see myself doing it too. It happens even with parents who are married but are distant from each other. People want a family member to be close to and if they're not getting it from a spouse, they try to get it from the kids. And usually the kids are a lot easier than a spouse anyway. Kids usually look up to a parent and also try to do what the parent says. Ive seen situations where the spouses didn't look up to one another at all and neither will do anything that the others asks them to do. Look how easy it is for a parent to reward a kid for their friendship. The parent expects their child to be there for them in ways that a friend might be. In return, the parent grants the child favors such as an outing or a purchase they've been wanting. When a parent is dealing with a distant spouse, it's not as easy. They're harder to bribe. The spouse has their own money so no purchase is going to entice them. It's just an entirely different dynamic and I think that too many parents find that the dynamics between themselves and their kids are a lot easier to deal with than between themselves and their distant spouses.
Sean0775 Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 If you're finding this to be the case, then you're hanging around the wrong crowd. As a general rule, it's the smarter women who have kids at a later age. Also, you won't see Deb, the Debutante pregnant at 16, but you WILL see trailer trash Tina toting a tot around before she's out of high school. It says something about a person's class. I'm finding the early 20s to be all around terrible regardless of crowd...that and the only people I actually hang around with are my friends from high school when I go back home on my days off. The personals got me a couple dates and a 4 month long relationship, but they seem to be a real dead end lately. I've asked people I know, but no one knows any women around my age that are single and looking, at least not within driving distance (not in the mood for a pretend relationship...ever). That and I won't go to bars/clubs, so I just keep checking back on the old personals site. It has to work eventually, right?
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