PO'd With The Personals

[uniqueone]

Ok, I've done nothing much today but post on LS....is there a 12 step program for this, btw?

 

I've been trying to move on to meet new people. Most of the people who contact me online I'm not interested in (with good reason).

There were two recently that weren't so bad. There wasn't instant sparks like I like but I figured I should at least try.

 

One of them was quite a bit younger but I figured I'd give it a chance because I liked what he said in his profile a lot.

So after he wrote me, telling me he'd like to meet me, I wrote back to him and I wrote a lot which is unusual for me at the beginning. I get no response. I checked a little while ago and it said he was online.

 

This kind of pisses me off and makes me want to forget even trying any of this. I rarely have someone write to me that I find interesting and then I put in effort to write a lot back to them and they just blow it off.

 

I did mention in my message to him that I was out of his age range so I was wondering what made him contact me. And I mentioned how he's out of my age range (listed) but that I found him interesting and liked his profile a lot.

 

Another thing I noticed was that his ad said under the heading "Wanting kids" he had "Someday".

 

So did he suddenly realize how old I was and figured forget it? It's just starting to piss me off that they can't even get back to you after THEY initiated it.

 

This makes me not want to bother with this anymore.

 

This makes me feel like sending him one of those "No thanks but you're not my type" message.......

 

[Sean0775]

I use online personals myself. While I met my last girlfriend on them, I haven't been having much luck this time. Nearly every message I send doesn't get me a reply, and I typically don't get replies even if the girl initiates it. I can see not replying to one of those, "I'd like to talk to you!" icebreakers, but I get a little miffed when I take the time to write an actual message and get nothing in response. Granted I do live in the middle of nowhere (Western IL is pretty close to the edge of the world), but I've even tried searching 50ish miles away with no luck. I really wish more sites had a feature where you can tell who's a paying member. At least you'd know who was serious about it.

[Star Gazer]

"Writing a lot back" to an initial contact is where you're going wrong here. You really can't treat online dating any differently than how you'd date IRL.

 

Imagine a guy approaches you in public - at a bar, a sporting event, the library, whatever - and introduces himself. This is his way of letting you know that from what he sees, he's interested in you. This is no different than a "wink" or some other of initiated contact online. In response to a guy coming up to you and saying, "Hi, my name is Joe, do ya come here often?" (hehe, cheesy I know, just an example), would you vomit your entire life story to him? Would you give him a lonnnng speech? I hope not, but it sounds like that's pretty much what you did with this online guy. Either scenario is bound to cause a visceral "WOAH, why did she just ramble on and on like that? All I did was say "Hi"..." reaction.

 

The first few contacts online should be short, fun, and slightly informative (the very basics). Leave the detailed, in depth conversations for LATER when you're actually out on a date, and I bet you'll have much more luck.

[uniqueone]

I use online personals myself. While I met my last girlfriend on them, I haven't been having much luck this time. Nearly every message I send doesn't get me a reply, and I typically don't get replies even if the girl initiates it. I can see not replying to one of those, "I'd like to talk to you!" icebreakers, but I get a little miffed when I take the time to write an actual message and get nothing in response. Granted I do live in the middle of nowhere (Western IL is pretty close to the edge of the world), but I've even tried searching 50ish miles away with no luck. I really wish more sites had a feature where you can tell who's a paying member. At least you'd know who was serious about it.

 

I could see if it was just an icebreaker but this wasnt'. First he sent a "wink" (same as icebreaker) then I sent one back. Then he sent me a message. He mentioned in it that he liked enough about what he'd read to be interested in meeting me for a cup of coffee. Then I sent a message back. That's where it stopped. To me, once you start a dialogue, it's rude to just drop it. Especially after you just told the person that you wanted to meet them!

[uniqueone]

"Writing a lot back" to an initial contact is where you're going wrong here. You really can't treat online dating any differently than how you'd date IRL.

 

Imagine a guy approaches you in public - at a bar, a sporting event, the library, whatever - and introduces himself. This is his way of letting you know that from what he sees, he's interested in you. This is no different than a "wink" or some other of initiated contact online. In response to a guy coming up to you and saying, "Hi, my name is Joe, do ya come here often?" (hehe, cheesy I know, just an example), would you vomit your entire life story to him? Would you give him a lonnnng speech? I hope not, but it sounds like that's pretty much what you did with this online guy. Either scenario is bound to cause a visceral "WOAH, why did she just ramble on and on like that? All I did was say "Hi"..." reaction.

 

The first few contacts online should be short, fun, and slightly informative (the very basics). Leave the detailed, in depth conversations for LATER when you're actually out on a date, and I bet you'll have much more luck.

 

I wish I could say that was it but what I sent him wasn't a long speech....just getting to know you stuff. The reason I said it was long is because I'm known for giving short responses and this time I actually didn't. So...for ME...it was long. For other people...it was just normal.

 

Ok, why not...I'll post it...

 

 

Hi X,

 

Long time, no see....oh that's right, we never have.... lol

 

Glad to hear you liked the bashing of cliche's in my profile. I could have gone further with it, but I figured people might start classifying me as a bit too critical if I did. I have plenty more of them I could have added though! That whole "baggage" term, for instance... People say they want someone without baggage. Wouldn't a person without any baggage be really more like a mannequin?

 

It's really unbelieveable how many of these lines get used on these ads. I saw one the other day that said he wanted someone that took his breath away. I've actually met a few guys who use these kind of lines and to be honest, it makes me wanna puke. Hmmmm......I guess some women like that stuff or they wouldn't use it.

 

So X, you're quite a bit younger than me and I see that I'm out of the age range you have listed, so how did it come about that you winked at me? You're out of the age range that I have listed as well, but you seem pretty smart and I like that. I also like that you don't appear to be a crowd follower.

 

Do you care to share more about yourself? What's this business you were in before and what's the business you're going into? And what small town were you from? And what's wrong with west of I-170? Inquiring minds want to know!

 

Uniqueone

[wizer]

People say they want someone without baggage. Wouldn't a person without any baggage be really more like a mannequin?

 

I guess you are making a joke there but I don't get it.

[Lunar Sonata]

Hi X,

 

Long time, no see....oh that's right, we never have.... lol

 

Do you care to share more about yourself? What's this business you were in before and what's the business you're going into? And what small town were you from? And what's wrong with west of I-170? Inquiring minds want to know!

 

Uniqueone

Why does he need to know about how he's out of your age range and all that other stuff? If the meeting goes well, he doesn't even have to know that part.

 

That letter didn't sound very inviting if you ask me. Also with wizer on that one. Did you mean mannequins in the same way as statues? When I think mannequins, I think Weird Science

[uniqueone]

Why does he need to know about how he's out of your age range and all that other stuff? If the meeting goes well, he doesn't even have to know that part.

 

That letter didn't sound very inviting if you ask me. Also with wizer on that one. Did you mean mannequins in the same way as statues? When I think mannequins, I think Weird Science

 

Yes, that's in statues.

 

My letter to him wasn't odd at all. No odder than his to me.

[uniqueone]

I guess you are making a joke there but I don't get it.

 

 

That's because I didn't include him message to me so it's hard for my message that I posted here to make complete sense to those who read it.

 

Anyway, no point in picking apart my jokes because that's not the issue. Nothing that I said to him was unusual....nothing I haven't said to others and most like it quite a bit.

[Ever Seeking]

The first few contacts online should be short, fun, and slightly informative (the very basics). Leave the detailed, in depth conversations for LATER when you're actually out on a date, and I bet you'll have much more luck.

 

I totally agree Star. When I did that stuff, I would typically start off with a gentle hint of what line of work I'm in and that I have a pet and a few other odds and ends that I arrive at from reading the other person's post. After that, I put the impetus on them to keep it going if they're interested.

[lino]

Why does he need to know about how he's out of your age range and all that other stuff? If the meeting goes well, he doesn't even have to know that part.

 

That letter didn't sound very inviting if you ask me. Also with wizer on that one. Did you mean mannequins in the same way as statues? When I think mannequins, I think Weird Science

 

I agree with this.

Your letter was too long & the stuff about age wasn't necessary IMO. If you wanted to bring up the age issue then I think you should have atleast waited till you met him for that. I dunno how old you are but is the age really such a huge deal for you? I saw your profile photo & you don't look old there.

[jophil28]

Ok,

So after he wrote me, telling me he'd like to meet me, I wrote back to him and I wrote a lot which is unusual for me at the beginning. I get no response. I checked a little while ago and it said he was online.

 

Yeah, your posts here are kinda rambling and too wordy . The guy did not write back because -

 

A .... You said that he was outside your age range but you liked what he wrote ( his take - she can't get anyone of her own age so she is trawling other age guys)

 

B. You wrote a LOT . ( his take - she is desperate . She is trying to draw me in by swamping me with a heap of stupid probing questions - this feels like a job interview . Who cares about all this crap. I just need to know if she is HOT. Come to think of it maybe I will talk to that 27 year old hottie at Match.com instead )

 

C. He is a young guy. Young guys have a lot of options - young women !

[Star Gazer]

Uniqueone, I'll be honest with you. I agree with the other poster who indicted that your response wasn't very inviting. It wasn't. If a guy wrote something like that to me - even a REEEEEEEALLY H-O-T guy - I wouldn't respond.

 

The majority of it sounded like a b*tch fest with a girlfriend, like you're bitter and tired of the get-to-know-you process....almost in a "Sarah Silverman doing stand-up about dating" way...kinda painful. Essentially, your response reads as though you see the dating experience as an entire pain-in-the-a$$...which, while it is, isn't going to entice men to date you. Fun, upbeat, not-the-end-of-the-world would be better.

 

I also agree that the age thing didn't need to be brought up. When I was on Match, if I winked at a dude, the next screen would show three more people that were purportedly like the one I just winked at. Sometimes they were older, younger, or lived out of my geographical preference, but they were still there in front of my face and I never would have seen them otherwise. That said, it doesn't matter how he came across your profile, only that he did, and he liked what he saw. Your decision to question him about it paints you as even more cynical than the beginning of your response.

[melodymatters]

I think people are being to nit-picky here. it appears he LIKED her cliche bashing, and so that seems to be a point they "bonded" on. Therefore it's no wonder she expounded on it a bit.

 

As far as bringing up the age thing. She probably was feeling him out on that issue, sooner rather than later.

 

If he HADN'T noticed, he might have been taken aback when they met, which would have sucked. Or he had the chance to say something along the lines of preferring older woman, etc.

 

I think it's fine and who knows why people don't write back. Maybe his ex wants him back, maybe he died.I wouldn't worry about it one way or another.

[uniqueone]

I agree with this.

Your letter was too long & the stuff about age wasn't necessary IMO. If you wanted to bring up the age issue then I think you should have atleast waited till you met him for that. I dunno how old you are but is the age really such a huge deal for you? I saw your profile photo & you don't look old there.

 

I'm 44 and he's 32 so yeah, age is a bit of a factor there. As for "old".....no...we don't use that word.......

I don't really see anything wrong with mentioning it. I've "talked" like this before in messages and I've had plenty of men tell me that they've liked that I was upfront, amongst other things.

 

I mentioned the age thing early on with a guy last year as well and he had no problem with it and we ended up going out.

 

But the thing is he could have given a response. Like I said, once a dialogue is started, it's rude to just drop it.

[uniqueone]

I think people are being to nit-picky here. it appears he LIKED her cliche bashing, and so that seems to be a point they "bonded" on. Therefore it's no wonder she expounded on it a bit.

 

As far as bringing up the age thing. She probably was feeling him out on that issue, sooner rather than later.

 

If he HADN'T noticed, he might have been taken aback when they met, which would have sucked. Or he had the chance to say something along the lines of preferring older woman, etc.

 

I think it's fine and who knows why people don't write back. Maybe his ex wants him back, maybe he died.I wouldn't worry about it one way or another.

 

Exactly!!!!

[uniqueone]

Yeah, your posts here are kinda rambling and too wordy .

 

LOL...yes my posts here are rambling and wordy but that doesn't mean I'm rambling and wordy outside of here. In fact, you'd be surprised.

 

A .... You said that he was outside your age range but you liked what he wrote ( his take - she can't get anyone of her own age so she is trawling other age guys)

 

Um....he contacted ME. I don't go "trawling other age guys". In fact, I don't go trawling any age guys. They contact me period.....I don't initiate things with any of them.

B. You wrote a LOT . ( his take - she is desperate .

How do you know that HE didn't write a lot?

And if you consider what I wrote a lot.....I should share with you the novels some of these guys write to me.

 

She is trying to draw me in by swamping me with a heap of stupid probing questions - this feels like a job interview . Who cares about all this crap. I just need to know if she is HOT. Come to think of it maybe I will talk to that 27 year old hottie at Match.com instead )

 

Ahhhhh.....ok.....this just told me the maturity level here which makes trying to reason any of this a mute point.

 

C. He is a young guy. Young guys have a lot of options - young women !

 

I've gotten plenty of young guys who pursue me. Oh and most of them don't like the women their age or younger.

 

[uniqueone]

Uniqueone, I'll be honest with you. I agree with the other poster who indicted that your response wasn't very inviting. It wasn't. If a guy wrote something like that to me - even a REEEEEEEALLY H-O-T guy - I wouldn't respond.

 

The majority of it sounded like a b*tch fest with a girlfriend, like you're bitter and tired of the get-to-know-you process....almost in a "Sarah Silverman doing stand-up about dating" way...kinda painful. Essentially, your response reads as though you see the dating experience as an entire pain-in-the-a$$...which, while it is, isn't going to entice men to date you. Fun, upbeat, not-the-end-of-the-world would be better.

 

My profile is along those lines and I've gotten an unbelieveable response from it. I can't tell you how many men have written to me telling me how it is so great to hear someone who doesn't sound like all the others. I get messages every day telling me how hilarious they thought my profile was. Some even respond again and say they're still laughing. Several have told me I should do stand-up comedy.

Tons of men have told me how they could relate so well to what I said about the personals in my ad.

The response I've gotten since I've changed my ad is at least 10x what I used to get when I had a "normal" ad.

 

I would NEVER go back to a plain ad again. I should post the responses that I get from men. I've never felt more popular.

[Star Gazer]

I would NEVER go back to a plain ad again. I should post the responses that I get from men. I've never felt more popular.

 

Buuuuttttt, you're PO'd with the personals. Right? Something's not working. I was merely suggesting what that might be.

 

Keep in mind that because this guy is younger than you, he might not quite "get" your jaded-dater comments.

[uniqueone]

Buuuuttttt, you're PO'd with the personals. Right? Something's not working. I was merely suggesting what that might be.

 

Keep in mind that because this guy is younger than you, he might not quite "get" your jaded-dater comments.

 

 

Oh I know, Star Gazer and I appreciate your advice too.

 

The reason I'm PO'd with the personals is because the guys in my area don't appeal to me and the few that do, seem to drift off.

 

I'm also PO'd because of the lack of hearing back but I guess that's part of the personals ....people feel like they can just ignore a message since it's online and they don't have to face the person.

 

As far as the guy "getting" the comments....he did. He mentioned them in his message to me and he liked them quite a bit.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

First he sent a "wink" (same as icebreaker)

.

.

.

.

then I sent one back.

.

.

.

Then he sent me a message. He mentioned in it that he liked enough about what he'd read to be interested in meeting me for a cup of coffee.

.

.

.

Then I sent a message back. That's where it stopped.

.

.

.

To me, once you start a dialogue, it's rude to just drop it. Especially after you just told the person that you wanted to meet them!

 

 

I contend that IF you really wanted to socialize in this manor, you'd be out in traffic just distributing your business card indiscriminately through open car windows.

 

The fact that you're online doesn't mesh with your methods of being at all responsive to some dildo who is trying to meet you (more accurate translation: "meat you") after having done no more than read your profile.

 

It only gets worse when you go on in the hours/days beyond grumbling about his not having responded further. That is akin to letting yourself be let-down when some smarmy construction worker into whose van you tossed your business card hasn't dialed your number about a potential one-night stand.

 

If you want online social networking to afford you the best chances for romantic success, then don't do the same things that other people do when they're out at meat markets. The best results which arise from online dating sites are those where two people interact online for some amount of time beFORE meeting in real life. That way, when the time comes to meet in real life, they have a shared dialog which keeps conversation flowing at a level unparalleled by the much hotter couple at the adjacent table who are only meeting "for a cup of coffee" after exchanging a mere "wink" online.

 

There is a reason that other couple has nothing to talk about in person... and it's because at least one of them wasn't really there for the purpose of conversation!

[uniqueone]

I contend that IF you really wanted to socialize in this manor, you'd be out in traffic just distributing your business card indiscriminately through open car windows.

 

The fact that you're online doesn't mesh with your methods of being at all responsive to some dildo who is trying to meet you (more accurate translation: "meat you") after having done no more than read your profile.

 

It only gets worse when you go on in the hours/days beyond grumbling about his not having responded further. That is akin to letting yourself be let-down when some smarmy construction worker into whose van you tossed your business card hasn't dialed your number about a potential one-night stand.

 

If you want online social networking to afford you the best chances for romantic success, then don't do the same things that other people do when they're out at meat markets. The best results which arise from online dating sites are those where two people interact online for some amount of time beFORE meeting in real life. That way, when the time comes to meet in real life, they have a shared dialog which keeps conversation flowing at a level unparalleled by the much hotter couple at the adjacent table who are only meeting "for a cup of coffee" after exchanging a mere "wink" online.

 

There is a reason that other couple has nothing to talk about in person... and it's because at least one of them wasn't really there for the purpose of conversation!

 

What are you talking about??

[uniqueone]

While on the subject of the personals....

 

There was a guy about a month ago or so ago who wrote to me and we got to the 'talking to' phase but I just wasn't interested. He kept sending me messages and I'd respond in a friendly way but wouldn't take him up on his hints to meet.

 

Since he kept persisting (and calling) I told him that I really didn't think I was ready to meet anyone since I'd had a bad experience recently on the personals (which I had and which was true).

While it was true that I was gun shy about meeting anyone, it was also true that I wasn't interested in HIM.

 

He just sent me a message today saying that he's surprised to see me still on there considering how I was feeling about the whole personals thing. (and then he went on yammering some more about stuff)

 

Now THAT is a guy that's clueless.

[brothermartin]

One word for that first guy UNIQUE: flaky!

[jophil28]

LOL...yes my posts here are rambling and wordy but that doesn't mean I'm rambling and wordy outside of here. In fact, you'd be surprised.

 

 

 

Um....he contacted ME. I don't go "trawling other age guys". In fact, I don't go trawling any age guys. They contact me period.....I don't initiate things with any of them.

 

How do you know that HE didn't write a lot?

And if you consider what I wrote a lot.....I should share with you the novels some of these guys write to me.

 

 

 

Ahhhhh.....ok.....this just told me the maturity level here which makes trying to reason any of this a mute point.

 

 

 

I've gotten plenty of young guys who pursue me. Oh and most of them don't like the women their age or younger.

 

 

OK you have refuted all of the points that I made - you know better that me obviously (you are a female after all )

You have learned nothing from posting here and reading my reply.

You asked questions and invited input - I gave you that from a male perspective and you just want to block and argue every point.

 

I would dump you after the first coffee date sister. You need to get over your "know -it-all " attitude. It is unattractive..