Virgo1982 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 You make sense...It's just that your argument is that he treated you badly for 1.5 years...Yet, you're treating him the same way now...It's like tit-for-tat...Which doesn't make for a successful, healthy R...Which is that even your goal? Or what is your actual goal? It sounds like she's trying to sort through her feelings. Looking in, I can see that she really wants a divorce, but is afraid of making such a decision.
empty906 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 hopelesschick, You can stay in the marriage without having any of that love in your heart for him. Pretend. Just pretend you are okay with what is going on. Pretend you are happy, at least act like you are happy. Your kids will take security in your attitude towards the situation and not most likely not pick up on the stress you are under. That is what I have been doing in my marriage for the past year and it does work, actually. Everything seems to be okay in our house. Seems being the key. I know the truth, my wife knows but never brings it up, and my son thinks the problems have gone away. I wanted my son with me and for us to be happy together and this is exactly what I have. My son is the most important participant in this marriage and his world needs to stay secure. Lie. Lie like hell to your spouse. Put your game face on, pretend you are just an actress in a movie and live like Hollywood is watching. Your children are the very most important part. Keep them safe.
OWoman Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 You can stay in the marriage without having any of that love in your heart for him. Pretend. Just pretend you are okay with what is going on. Pretend you are happy, at least act like you are happy. Your kids will take security in your attitude towards the situation and not most likely not pick up on the stress you are under. I'm glad you managed to pull this off, but most people don't. Kids are not stupid, they can pick up when something is fake. My parents tried this and we all suffered as a result. As a five year old I begged my father to divorce my mother so he could be happy, so we all could be happy, and was soundly whalloped and told never to speak of such things again, "they were perfectly happy". That taught us great lessons about relationships and marriage, I must say - between us three kids we've notched up seven divorces.
empty906 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 That taught us great lessons about relationships and marriage, I must say - between us three kids we've notched up seven divorces. Seven divorces between the three of you? Ouch! That's not good. Not at all. And you are right it saying it isn't a magic trick and it won't be a cure all in every relationship, in every situation. It is a very difficult thing to do, I will be up front with you about that point. I had to make my mind up to just lie. We stay away from the words, "I love you" because there isn't any reason to go that far. I don't say it and neither does she. But I do say it to my son everyday with lots of hugs and encouraging words. Maybe it makes a difference if the parents play the part so well that the children no longer talk about it. My son asked if we were going to divorce on night at bedtime. He knew?!? I had told her I wanted a divorce but had know idea he could see the problems, too. If I was going to change his perception I was going to have to be good at acting. I have learned as the months have passed and it is now getting to be habit. But the love still is not there. I can't fake that.
OWoman Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 But I do say it to my son everyday with lots of hugs and encouraging words. I think that is the most important thing! If your son is secure in your love for him, that counts more than anything.
frannie Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Seven divorces between the three of you? Ouch! That's not good. Not at all. And you are right it saying it isn't a magic trick and it won't be a cure all in every relationship, in every situation. It is a very difficult thing to do, I will be up front with you about that point. I had to make my mind up to just lie. We stay away from the words, "I love you" because there isn't any reason to go that far. I don't say it and neither does she. But I do say it to my son everyday with lots of hugs and encouraging words. Maybe it makes a difference if the parents play the part so well that the children no longer talk about it. My son asked if we were going to divorce on night at bedtime. He knew?!? I had told her I wanted a divorce but had know idea he could see the problems, too. If I was going to change his perception I was going to have to be good at acting. I have learned as the months have passed and it is now getting to be habit. But the love still is not there. I can't fake that. Hello empty... the thread is a little old now so I hope you get to read this. It's a subject very close to my heart, as yours is the way my MM is approaching bringing up his kids. Of course in our case he's also continuing having an affair with me, which I know you aren't doing. But essentially he's decided: stay married, and pretend, pretend, pretend at home. Because like you, he considers being there to be of paramount importance. But here you say, the love is not there (between you and W) and you cannot fake that. Not meaning at all to criticise, but do you think that in the longrun it's beneficial for your son to witness that evident lack of love between his parents..? No hugs, or physical (or verbal?) demonstration of love, affection, and support between you and her? Or do you manage to fake some of it..? And to what extent do you think your son believes in it...? And do you think that it will affect how he demonstrates love and affection to his future partner..? Sorry if those are upsetting questions... but I really would like to know what you think of those issues, and how you deal with them personally? Thanks in advance.
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