hopelesschick Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 It all started about 3 years ago when hubby had an affair which lasted 1.5 years. After i found out about it, i forgave him for the sake of the kids and decided to work on the marriage. Well i was an idiot because 2 months down the line he was acting weird once again and when i confronted him as to why he was neglecting me both physically and mentally his response "if i don't give you what you want go get it from someone else". And so i did (btw he was back with the other girl), i found someone else and the affair lasted about 1.5 wonderful years, he made me feel like i was worth something, i felt wanted, needed, desired....something that everyone can related to. Well that affair ended about 6 months ago, and here i am wanting to start another one. You ask me why? well you know how you've had vanilla all your life and tasted chocolate, and realized that you like chocolate better? well i'm at that point. Hubby was my first and only (he was the vanilla). I know i'm no angle and i don't claim to be one, but since his affair i don't look at him the same way, the respect and connection is gone. Each day is a challenge if i leave the kids suffer, if i stay i suffer. But the kids are more important to me, but to live in a marriage where i have no attraction to my partner both mentally and physically is sometimes unbearable. This is where an affair comes in. *sigh* what do i do ?
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 It all started about 3 years ago when hubby had an affair which lasted 1.5 years. After i found out about it, i forgave him for the sake of the kids and decided to work on the marriage. Well i was an idiot because 2 months down the line he was acting weird once again and when i confronted him as to why he was neglecting me both physically and mentally his response "if i don't give you what you want go get it from someone else". And so i did (btw he was back with the other girl), i found someone else and the affair lasted about 1.5 wonderful years, he made me feel like i was worth something, i felt wanted, needed, desired....something that everyone can related to. Well that affair ended about 6 months ago, and here i am wanting to start another one. You ask me why? well you know how you've had vanilla all your life and tasted chocolate, and realized that you like chocolate better? well i'm at that point. Hubby was my first and only (he was the vanilla). I know i'm no angle and i don't claim to be one, but since his affair i don't look at him the same way, the respect and connection is gone. Each day is a challenge if i leave the kids suffer, if i stay i suffer. But the kids are more important to me, but to live in a marriage where i have no attraction to my partner both mentally and physically is sometimes unbearable. This is where an affair comes in. *sigh* what do i do ? Have you asked your H about trying an open marriage? It doesn't seem like either of you are invested in a traditional M...
Author hopelesschick Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Have you asked your H about trying an open marriage? It doesn't seem like either of you are invested in a traditional M... I would never bring that up, to be honest he's all over me now, i can't say he's neglecting me at all and it would crush him if i ever asked him that. Although i think that's the best thing for the children..to have both parents living together and at the same time the parent (me) taken care of..physically. I know it sounds bad, but I've given the marriage 2 years to rekindle what was there and it's not happening.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Well then, I don't really think that you're asking what you should do, since you've already made up your mind... Just know that if you're found out, there'll be consequences, so at least have a back-up plan... The alternative is seeing if things could get better by going to MC, but that won't really work with another person in the picture...The A simply enables the M to continue without addressing the problems in the M... Welcome to the forum!
Author hopelesschick Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Well then, I don't really think that you're asking what you should do, since you've already made up your mind... Just know that if you're found out, there'll be consequences, so at least have a back-up plan... The alternative is seeing if things could get better by going to MC, but that won't really work with another person in the picture...The A simply enables the M to continue without addressing the problems in the M... Welcome to the forum! Well isn't that the reason we all have A, to make M a bit more tolerable, for whatever the reason it was intolerable in the first place? Life is full of choices, each one has it's own consequence, the decision rests on which consequence we want to deal with. thanks for the advice and the warm welcome!
OWoman Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I would never bring that up, to be honest he's all over me now, i can't say he's neglecting me at all and it would crush him if i ever asked him that. Yet he considered it fine to have an A and you just had to lump it? I think you need to discuss it - either you both get what you want from the M (whether it's open or exclusive) or it's not going to work in the long run.
imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Each day is a challenge if i leave the kids suffer, if i stay i suffer. But the kids are more important to me, but to live in a marriage where i have no attraction to my partner both mentally and physically is sometimes unbearable. what do i do ? I am no expert, far from it, but to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids is a mistake. They will pick up on the tension, and resentment that will reside in the house, not to mention hear the fall out when/if another affair is discovered. I'd say leave your husband and concentrate on both finding yourself a relationship that makes you happy but also building a new and more secure future for your kids. They can be happy after their parents divorce but to have unhappy parents isnt good for kids.
Author hopelesschick Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Yet he considered it fine to have an A and you just had to lump it? I think you need to discuss it - either you both get what you want from the M (whether it's open or exclusive) or it's not going to work in the long run. How do i go about telling him i'm not attracted to him, without hurting him. I've mentioned that i wish he would come to the gym with me, and his excuse was he has no time, so i bought him a home gym, which he used once or twice and than it started collecting dust. Do i just turn off all my feeling and desire and live with what i have, since it was my mistake and no one else's, or do i just move on? He knows that i've considered leaving him, he started crying and begged me to stay. Problem is he's a good person (minus the past) and a great father...i love him as a friend rather than a lover. Than i start thinking that looks fade with time and a person's personality lasts forever, but than again how can i love someone who treated me like **** for 1.5 years, is that the personality that i want to spend the rest of my life with , to know that he has that in him. do i make sense? i sure hope so.
Author hopelesschick Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I am no expert, far from it, but to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids is a mistake. They will pick up on the tension, and resentment that will reside in the house, not to mention hear the fall out when/if another affair is discovered. I'd say leave your husband and concentrate on both finding yourself a relationship that makes you happy but also building a new and more secure future for your kids. They can be happy after their parents divorce but to have unhappy parents isnt good for kids. Yeah that's what's going through my mind, when he finds out about the affair all hell will break lose, although i have the green light so to speak. Divorce has been brought up..but he acts like i've never mentioned it. Wich makes it even harder on my part.
imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 You cant stay just becasue he cries and begs you to. However I dont know how to build on rocky marriages having never been married, but I think counselling may be helpful to ensure you make the right decision for you.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Than i start thinking that looks fade with time and a person's personality lasts forever, but than again how can i love someone who treated me like **** for 1.5 years, is that the personality that i want to spend the rest of my life with , to know that he has that in him. do i make sense? i sure hope so. You make sense...It's just that your argument is that he treated you badly for 1.5 years...Yet, you're treating him the same way now...It's like tit-for-tat...Which doesn't make for a successful, healthy R...Which is that even your goal? Or what is your actual goal?
Lizzie60 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 From what I read...you both want to remain in the marriage for the sake of the kids... but also want an A .. as long as the spouse doesn't know about it. I say... go for it... Just do your stuff (like he does) don't say a word about it (like he does) and be happy cause you'll have your husband (good friend) your kids (the love of your life) and your lover (who will take care of you)... Probably the ideal situation in your case. In a case like yours, I'm all for an affair... IMO.. kids are the most important part of any M.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I can understand why you went on to have an affair after your husbands infidelity. It must have been an extremely hurtful time and the betrayal appears to have catapulted your relationship into one where you both don't sound terribly happy. Affairs are the result of problems in a marriage though, not the reason. What was your marriage like before the affair of your H? It is honourable to put your children first, of course it is. But does it mean that your life in turn needs to be unfulfilled? Do you think that your children would want that for you? I certainly didn't want it for my parents, who remained in a dreadfully unhappy marriage for the "sake of the kids" and eventually got so old, they decided to just live in a state of unhappy companionship. That certainly doesn't mean that will happen to you and your husband, its just my perspective. If the children weren't in your life, would you stay? Honestly? Do you love him enough to work it out? Or do you want to sustain an affair until you're found out (which usually happens eventually). Is there other things that you get from your H, such as security of him being there, not being alone, not losing him to another woman?
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 HLC, serious question here........... You know of your husbands affair/s, does he know of yours? I ask that because unless there is total honesty in the marriage, it won't survive, and your children will suffer the most. I suggest that you tell him of your cheating, not like he hasn't cheated, but perhaps that will wake him up or something. You don't want to get AIDS!
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Yeah that's what's going through my mind, when he finds out about the affair all hell will break lose, although i have the green light so to speak. Divorce has been brought up..but he acts like i've never mentioned it. Wich makes it even harder on my part. Even if all Hell does break loose, what does he have to fall back on? He cheated, he's not innocint! Tell him either MC, or it's over, PERIOD!
pussycat1980 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Hi hopelesschick. I'll start by saying this I had an A with a MM i was single, he led me to believe he had such an unhappy life at home, him and the W was always arguing, even in front of his kids, i didnt know her as a person, but i know that all M has its ups and downs. Well our A lasted 10 mths, sure people were telling the W something was going on but she was dismissing it,v probably because he lied his way out. She then found out it was definitely going on, and thats where the A ended, not that he actually told me it was over. She kicked him out, but took him back in a matter of days. I think if he went back for the sake of the children he was wrong. You cannot live your life round your children, especially when it comes to living in an unhappy marriage. I say leave, in the long run it will probably serve your children better. Kids arent silly, if they know your unhappy they probably are too.
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 It all started about 3 years ago when hubby had an affair which lasted 1.5 years. ...his response "if i don't give you what you want go get it from someone else". it would crush him if i ever asked him that. What? The guy cheated on you. At least twice. Once for a year and a half. When you confronted him the second time, he told you to go get it from someone else. And you think he will be crushed if you leave him? I know more about your husband from your one post than you do from all your years together. And, it's a known fact that children are better off in a broken home than one filled with strife. Get a divorce.
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 It all started about 3 years ago when hubby had an affair which lasted 1.5 years. After i found out about it, i forgave him for the sake of the kids and decided to work on the marriage. Well i was an idiot because 2 months down the line he was acting weird once again and when i confronted him as to why he was neglecting me both physically and mentally his response "if i don't give you what you want go get it from someone else". And so i did (btw he was back with the other girl), i found someone else and the affair lasted about 1.5 wonderful years, he made me feel like i was worth something, i felt wanted, needed, desired....something that everyone can related to. Well that affair ended about 6 months ago, and here i am wanting to start another one. You ask me why? well you know how you've had vanilla all your life and tasted chocolate, and realized that you like chocolate better? well i'm at that point. Hubby was my first and only (he was the vanilla). I know i'm no angle and i don't claim to be one, but since his affair i don't look at him the same way, the respect and connection is gone. Each day is a challenge if i leave the kids suffer, if i stay i suffer. But the kids are more important to me, but to live in a marriage where i have no attraction to my partner both mentally and physically is sometimes unbearable. This is where an affair comes in. *sigh* what do i do ? Have an open marriage. You want to stay married for the sake of the kids and all of you living under one roof, than this is one option to discuss with your husband. But, with that being said, if your heart is NOT with your husband and neither of you are trying to 'be' together, your kids WILL pick up on that. Kids learn what relationships are all about from their parents, so if you two are displaying a non-affectionate, non-communitive marriage infront of them, that is what they'll learn. Kids can thrive and still come out happy, even if you and your husband divorce. They'll have two rooms, two houses, two of everything - And, maybe you and your husband will be better parents to them apart, rather than together. Talk to your husband, maybe get some marriage counseling in and see what the options are. I haven't read the rest of this thread, so I'm not sure if anything has changed since your 1st post.
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I would never bring that up, to be honest he's all over me now, i can't say he's neglecting me at all and it would crush him if i ever asked him that. Although i think that's the best thing for the children..to have both parents living together and at the same time the parent (me) taken care of..physically. I know it sounds bad, but I've given the marriage 2 years to rekindle what was there and it's not happening. Did you two try marriage counselling? Did you try your absolute best to work through all this together? Or maybe the feeling is just gone and too much has happened. The thing is, you'll be hurting your husband more by continuing to have affairs and lying to him. The betrayal, not only to your husband but to the kids too. Sorry, I don't mean to sound cruel, but an affair just doesn't affect the spouse, it affects everyone IN the household. Ending the marriage will cause alot of pain, but atleast it's final. An affair -well - You know the pain of that, so I don't understand why you'd want to inflict that same sort of pain that you felt on your husband...
SoxPrincess Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 In regards to your children..it's much better to be from a broken home than to live in one every day. Please don't let your children think that the marriage you and your H have is how it should be, they deserve so much more than that and I guarantee they will pick up on it. If they don't see you and your H snuggling or showing affection, they will think it's the norm in a marriage; if your H makes advances towards you and you blow him off, they will think that's the norm...ya know? If you are so unhappy that you're willing to seek out another A (and your H was so unhappy that he already had one), do yourselves and your children a favor and get a divorce. If you truly do not want to divorce; it's time to be 100% honest with each other about both of your affairs (yours and his), go into serious marital counseling and give your marriage a fighting chance. I wish you lots of luck in whatever road you choose.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You cant be like it's your children, it's both of y'alls children! Why didnt you confront your husband abut the first affair and whatnot? What gives you the right to lower yourself to his standards by doing exactly what he did. You couldhave gtten a sepration with the intent to divorce. I see alt of resentment and anger in your posts. Two wrong's dont make it right.
PoshPrincess Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 In regards to your children..it's much better to be from a broken home than to live in one every day. Please don't let your children think that the marriage you and your H have is how it should be, they deserve so much more than that and I guarantee they will pick up on it. If they don't see you and your H snuggling or showing affection, they will think it's the norm in a marriage; if your H makes advances towards you and you blow him off, they will think that's the norm...ya know? If you are so unhappy that you're willing to seek out another A (and your H was so unhappy that he already had one), do yourselves and your children a favor and get a divorce. If you truly do not want to divorce; it's time to be 100% honest with each other about both of your affairs (yours and his), go into serious marital counseling and give your marriage a fighting chance. I wish you lots of luck in whatever road you choose. I totally agree with Sox. I can understand your need for the A, Hopeless, and I'm really glad that it has given you the ego boost you obviously needed but it really isn't the best way to continue your M. It will all end in tears one way or another. Far better to try the counselling, and failing that, file for D. Being apart isn't going to stop you being good parents. In fact, you will make far better parents if you are happy in yourselves first. That is all kids really want, even though they may not necessarily realise it at the time. x
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Each day is a challenge if i leave the kids suffer, if i stay i suffer. But the kids are more important to me, This is poorly conceived thinking. The exact opposite is true. By staying in such a marriage you are only causing your kids to suffer. How are you going to feel in 15 to 35 years when you have children who are cheating on their spouses, and who are only attracted to the lowly types of partners who will ultimately cheat on them? And it will be largely your fault, as they are guilty of no more than following your lead and your example. Alter this brain-dead thought process and joy in the fact that common sense allows you to get out and get into a fresh new world where you are free to bond with decent men for a change. Just don't repeat the same mistakes and you'll be so much happier in five years.
CallMeCrazy Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Here's my thoughts on the issue... I don't have kids, but I am divorced... I'm also dating a MM now, so I guess I can relate on some level... The one thing I learned in my M was that life is short. When you're unhappy, everything starts to suffer ~ and you don't even see it because you're soooo unhappy. Your work, your other relationships, your health, what you do for fun, etc. are all probably being affected. Why waste another day of your life on something that isn't all it can be?! If both you and your husband have sought others, and have openly discussed this ~ then keep talking! Reality and truth ARE hard things to deal with. You bet people will be sad, hurt, and betrayed. But I know if it were me, I'd much rather know all the truth, (as painful as that could be) and know my partners true feelings so that we could decide together if what we had was worth saving or if we were better off to go our seperate ways. I honestly believe I have true love now, but I would never have gotten to this point without first knowing what it was like to be in an unhappy, unfulfilled marriage. I know what I really truely want from life and from my relationships. On one last note ~ my dad cheated on my mom and I always knew it. Your kids probably know and feel more about what is going on than you realize. When my parents FINALLY did divorce neither my brother or I had any problems with it, because we always saw how unhappy they were together. I hope this helps.... Good luck!
Recommended Posts