Highheels74 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 So...I logged onto his myspace...is this wrong?...A while back, he emailed me the password and told me to read any messages that are there, that he has nothing to hide....I guess he forgot...I figure, once you give permission, it makes it okay. Well I asked him about this one girl because a comment she made on his page...he agreed to email her and ask about it, and copy me on the email exchange...I decided not to wait for a potentially altered reply, so I logged on to his myspace to get her genuine response.... ...well sure enough, her reply included something about him asking her to dinner, and he told her to revise her reply to exclude the "dinner part"...she agreed, re-did it, and sent me the reply that the comment meant nothing...(without knowing I read the real reply)...I was hurt that they were in cahoots with eachother to deceive me... ..Long story short...I told him what I did...he was pissed...and I think he's the one who owes me an apology and explanation as to why he lied or who this woman is......(being that we're planning a wedding ceramony-we already did the civil part a couple months ago so we're already married)...I can't trust him now... My question is....who should feel guilty here?
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 He should be feeling guilty that he asked a woman out to dinner, for going to such lengths as to collude with her to deceive you, for not apologizing for asking her to dinner and for the collusion and deception, AND for trying to turn it around and blame you for doing something he had told you was fine! Do not allow him to turn this around on you and make it seem as though you are at fault!! He should be begging you to forgive him. And he should be offering to get off myspace altogether since he clearly cannot be trusted not to abuse your trust. You are his wife - he owes his loyalty to you and if he does not recognize that, then your marriage is in big trouble.
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 The man you are married to is planning to meet up with another woman and is lying to you about it, and asking her to help him with the deception. On top of that, instead of even attempting to provide a reasonable explanation, he "gets pissed". You have a heck of a lot more to be worried about than who should feel guilty.
OWoman Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 OK forgive my lack of perspective here, but he asks her TO DINNER and this is suddenly some kind of infidelity? Are you implying that married people should only ever spend time with each other? Perhaps his cover up was in response to anticipating an over-reaction to a simple dinner invite. Perhaps he does have something more to hide. Who knows? But snooping in people's private communications is not a great start to a relationship built on trust - either you had some serious misgivings that you needed to test, or you have trust issues - but either way, some counselling to address those in your M before it gets out of hand could go a long way to getting things onto a better footing. Good luck!
petuniababy Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Myspace really brings out the worst behavior in people... I'd worry about whether there is more going on. Sorry, but I'm being honest. And even though snooping isn't cool, he gave you the password. He's trying to pretend that he's good, while messing up and then covering up? That's worse, and a serious indication of future problems.
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 OK forgive my lack of perspective here, but he asks her TO DINNER and this is suddenly some kind of infidelity? Are you implying that married people should only ever spend time with each other? Perhaps his cover up was in response to anticipating an over-reaction to a simple dinner invite. Perhaps he does have something more to hide. Who knows? But snooping in people's private communications is not a great start to a relationship built on trust - either you had some serious misgivings that you needed to test, or you have trust issues - but either way, some counselling to address those in your M before it gets out of hand could go a long way to getting things onto a better footing. Good luck! He's asking a strange woman he met on the internet to dinner and lying about it, and asking said stranger to lie to his wife. If this was innocent, he would not have hidden it from his wife, he would have perhaps her to join them, and he would not have asked this other woman to lie for him to his wife. Whatever it is, the RED FLAGS are all over the place and ignoring them would be stupid.
Author Highheels74 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks Norajane, that's how I feel...By the way, we have split because of this...I've been having red flags for a long time now...
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 ...well sure enough, her reply included something about him asking her to dinner, and he told her to revise her reply to exclude the "dinner part"...she agreed, re-did it, and sent me the reply that the comment meant nothing...(without knowing I read the real reply)...I was hurt that they were in cahoots with eachother to deceive me... Wow. What a complete idiot he is! Good for you for splitting up with him! I know it hurts, but if he is doing this and you two JUST got married, imagine what life will be like in a year or two, with maybe afew kids as well. HIS loss, not yours. He obviously doesn't understand the meaning of committment, let alone understand what marriage is all about. Sorry for your pain.
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 OK forgive my lack of perspective here, but he asks her TO DINNER and this is suddenly some kind of infidelity? Are you implying that married people should only ever spend time with each other? Your lack of perspective is scary. Does "OWoman" stand for "other woman" by any chance? Because you are certainly taking the perspective of the OW. This is not a matter of one spouse merely "spending time" with someone. It's dinner, at least, and it's lies...if there was no intended indiscretion than he would have said to her, "I'm going to be having dinner with this woman..." not asking the woman to help him cover the whole thing up in a big lie.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 So...I logged onto his myspace... (being that we're planning a wedding ceramony-we already did the civil part a couple months ago so we're already married)...I can't trust him now... My question is....who should feel guilty here? Why would you be dating, or married to a man who has a MySpace account? Of course you should feel guilty with that being the case.
dbtmarley Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You should not feel one ounce of guilt!! I just want to tell you good job for catching the stupid SOB!!! Hats off to you girl and don't let the sap have a second chance.. You did good! Thomas
Author Highheels74 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Sincere guy, trust me I feel like a complete idiot for ending up with him....I thought I was smarter than that, but I learn that people can surprise or shock you....
Author Highheels74 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 You should not feel one ounce of guilt!! I just want to tell you good job for catching the stupid SOB!!! Hats off to you girl and don't let the sap have a second chance.. You did good! Thomas Thank you Thomas!
crazy_grl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Why would you be dating, or married to a man who has a MySpace account? That's like saying "why would you be dating someone with an email address?" Myspace is just another way of contacting people. It's not a dating site. But I agree with your sentiment if somebody's SO talks to random men/women on there and uses myspace like it's a dating site. highheels, I agree with everything norajane said in the first post. And you made a good decision getting rid of that guy. There's absolutely no good reason to hide going to dinner with someone of the opposite sex from your spouse.
HappyAtLast Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 That's like saying "why would you be dating someone with an email address?" Myspace is just another way of contacting people. It's not a dating site. Maybe I am just old-fashioned, but I would never go to dinner with a woman other than my wife. If someone is speaking to strangers on an internet site, asking them to dinner and then asking them to lie about it to their spouse is clearly up to no good.
Faith4u Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 He should feel guilty- You did put him on the spot so, some people get right away defensive on it. I think you should ask him if you should do the wedding cereomy because you feel that the relationship is on rocks. You need to make him feel the guilt without blaming him directly. That is the best way to do it and works usually better than attacks. You can tell him also that your trust is not strong and need him to be honest with you. Listen. Tell him what you want based on the facts and how you feel about it all. Good luck. So...I logged onto his myspace...is this wrong?...A while back, he emailed me the password and told me to read any messages that are there, that he has nothing to hide....I guess he forgot...I figure, once you give permission, it makes it okay. Well I asked him about this one girl because a comment she made on his page...he agreed to email her and ask about it, and copy me on the email exchange...I decided not to wait for a potentially altered reply, so I logged on to his myspace to get her genuine response.... ...well sure enough, her reply included something about him asking her to dinner, and he told her to revise her reply to exclude the "dinner part"...she agreed, re-did it, and sent me the reply that the comment meant nothing...(without knowing I read the real reply)...I was hurt that they were in cahoots with eachother to deceive me... ..Long story short...I told him what I did...he was pissed...and I think he's the one who owes me an apology and explanation as to why he lied or who this woman is......(being that we're planning a wedding ceramony-we already did the civil part a couple months ago so we're already married)...I can't trust him now... My question is....who should feel guilty here?
crazy_grl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Maybe I am just old-fashioned, but I would never go to dinner with a woman other than my wife. If someone is speaking to strangers on an internet site, asking them to dinner and then asking them to lie about it to their spouse is clearly up to no good. I'm not sure why you're arguing with me. I agree with you, and that's exactly what I said. My point is that not everybody uses myspace to talk to or hook up with strangers on the internet. I don't remember ever using my myspace account to talk to anyone I didn't already know. A lot of my friends don't use it for that either. I just get annoyed with how dumb the concept that anyone with a myspace account is undatable is. But in a case like with this guy where they are constantly using it as a dating/hookup site, then that's a big red flag, especially if they don't stop using it for that once you're exclusive.
LittleLady Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 ...well sure enough, her reply included something about him asking her to dinner, and he told her to revise her reply to exclude the "dinner part"...she agreed, re-did it, and sent me the reply that the comment meant nothing...(without knowing I read the real reply)...I was hurt that they were in cahoots with eachother to deceive me... ..Long story short...I told him what I did...he was pissed...and I think he's the one who owes me an apology and explanation as to why he lied or who this woman is..... what's a little dinner and sex?? Truly, he's lying to you and his anger is a defense mechanism. He asked her to dinner? Uh, why? And why lie about it? Because he knows what he did was WRONG! And you know what happens when dinner is over! BTW, what was the original comment she made on his myspace that had you suspicious? JESUS, the scary part is the douchebag cannot stay loyal for TWO months into his marriage. I'm sorry to say but marriage plays a psychological headtrip on people. That's why I don't ever plan doing it.. again.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 #1 - "OWoman" is another woman and proud of it, so you might want to take her advice with a grain of salt (or better yet, not at ALL). #2 - I agree with LittleLady - the guy is a total douchebag. Lose him as fast as you can.
Havn_a_life Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 If you've been M just 2 months and he's already scoping out women for "dinner" dates, then I'd pay the $500 for a quickie D and move on. He is not a worthy person for you to be with. And for the record. You better not feel guilty for finding out what you did. He told you to read the posts, right? The idiot shot himself in the foot and I'd laugh my a*ss off all the way to D court. I'd leave the M with a guilt free heart and look forward to finding a real man who's worthy of YOU. He ain't Mr. Highheels74 material.
Author Highheels74 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 ....He has since turned this whole thing around that it is my fault...told me off.....called me horrible names....and will not acknowledge he was wrong about lying to me....he is playing the victim...what's up with that?
Author Highheels74 Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Havn a life, Thanks for the encouraging words!!...We are getting an annulment.
crazy_grl Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 ....He has since turned this whole thing around that it is my fault...told me off.....called me horrible names....and will not acknowledge he was wrong about lying to me....he is playing the victim...what's up with that? How DARE you find out he's asking out other women. And how dare you log into his myspace to catch him after he FORGOT he gave you the password to do it. You aweful, aweful person you!! He's a whiny baby and a loser. That's what up with that. Just more evidence that he's not worth your time.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Just more evidence that he's not worth your time. and really, how much more evidence does a person need? you know what he did, and you know what he's capable of. what you need to decide is if you're willing to put up with it. instead you're going through this "well, what if..." stage. get over. you know the deal. if you accept this behavior, then accept it and deal with it. if not, move on. who feels guilty isn't the issue. he IS guilty, that is the issue. there aren't any more questions to ask about his behavior, you've seen it, you KNOW it. so either do something about it, or don't.
Havn_a_life Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 ....He has since turned this whole thing around that it is my fault...told me off.....called me horrible names....and will not acknowledge he was wrong about lying to me....he is playing the victim...what's up with that? I totally get your meaning! My H said he cheated because I was "a b*itch". The OW was "nicer". Oh, yeah, and she 'put out' the minute he walked in the door. Blah, blah, blah......
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