chill chic Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Even though this guy & I had a casual relationship for over a year, there had always been a sorta connection there. BUT whenever we'd go out, he'd get jealous or mad if I a guy would talk to me AFTER he went out of his way to talk to other girls, I'd show him that 2 could play at his game. Yes, immature but I was trying to show him it wasn't right. Anyway, after he moved away for a job, we kept in contact but not so much, then I didn't call him for 4 mths, because he said he had a gf, then he ended up calling me. We met up this past weekend, didn't know what was in his mind, I thought it was for the better, but still the same old games. He even got drunk & yelled at me saying I was a c*ck block, when he was ruining his own game by even having me there. Could he JUST be using me to get to other girls, if I'm above average attraction? Because I seem to get more attention than he does, and when I do from guys, he get's mad, like it's a blow on his ego. So I'm confused at why he does this. Also, I will note that when a guy did come up to me, he'd interlude and shake hands with the guy! So I'm seriously confused at why he acts that way, any opinions??
Pyro Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Even though this guy & I had a casual relationship for over a year, there had always been a sorta connection there. BUT whenever we'd go out, he'd get jealous or mad if I a guy would talk to me AFTER he went out of his way to talk to other girls, I'd show him that 2 could play at his game. Yes, immature but I was trying to show him it wasn't right. Anyway, after he moved away for a job, we kept in contact but not so much, then I didn't call him for 4 mths, because he said he had a gf, then he ended up calling me. We met up this past weekend, didn't know what was in his mind, I thought it was for the better, but still the same old games. He even got drunk & yelled at me saying I was a c*ck block, when he was ruining his own game by even having me there. Could he JUST be using me to get to other girls, if I'm above average attraction? Because I seem to get more attention than he does, and when I do from guys, he get's mad, like it's a blow on his ego. So I'm confused at why he does this. Also, I will note that when a guy did come up to me, he'd interlude and shake hands with the guy! So I'm seriously confused at why he acts that way, any opinions?? The only opinion that I have is that you are wasting your time associating with this guy. He is a toxic person to be around.
jcster Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 He's a jerk. Sweety, you really need to start hanging out with nicer guys!
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 He even got drunk & yelled at me saying I was a c*ck block, Tell him you can't block what you can't see...... (wow...and I used to be so nice when I was younger.....) I think you should ask yourself why you spend your time analyzing these types of guys so much.
petuniababy Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Don't bother with him. He's not worth your time.
Star Gazer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 CC, why do you even CARE what it means?! Seriously. You need to focus on figuring out what makes the GOOD guys tick, not the losers.
sb129 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 CC, not this old chestnut again.... Start afresh! Ditch the guys of old!
oppath Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 If you are on any kind of a "date" with a guy, neither of you should flirt with others, even if you are not exclusive. If you are on a "date" with a guy, there are certain behaviors you should not tolerate; flirting with others is one, as is text messaging and taking calls in your presence before you have dated a while and his interactions with others are transparent. Even then, it should be limited. Ask yourself: what is a healthy relationship? Identify what is a healthy relationship to you, and drop men who don't behave towards you in a way that meets your idea of a healthy relationship.
stillafool Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I agree that you should stop wasting your time trying to figure out jerks. Here's a thought - stop playing games with guys and be yourself then maybe they will stop playing games with you.
lino Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Hi chill chic Like the others I think you're wasting your time with this guy unless a casual thing is all you want. Are you having trouble to meet other guys?
uniqueone Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 One thing you should try to do is to pay attention to patterns in your relationships and then identify why they occur (such as why you gravitate towards certain people). You, for instance, need others to tell you if you're being treated right or not. You need to figure out why that is. You hang around people that don't treat you well and then you spend time questioning whether or not it was ok to be treated that way. This says something about self worth. You should try to get to the root of this instead of trying to deal with each episode that comes up. You need to figure out what makes you prone to these types of people and situations.
Author chill chic Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 First of all, I wanted to tell everyone thank you for your advice and support. I do see a pattern when it comes to these guys, him in particular. And you know what is odd? When I noticed his behavior, I thought to myself, this IS definitly NOT the guy I would want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone introduce him to my family. He is self-centered, big ego'd jerk that shows me disrespect. Even when he dropped me off at the airport, I said, nice seein' ya, thanks for the sex in a sarcastic tone, and walked away and did NOT look back, and that felt SO good to do that, because I knew it was a release to let him go and not look back. I felt so good about myself, and I felt so good that I spoke my mind when we got into an argument. BUT here is the thing, when I start to feel lonely or I think of the happy times, I start to miss him, which is something I need to get over. I don't know how or why I fell so hard for him, but it really has whipped me for the worse. But then I think about how he'd be around my family, his attitude problem, and I think "what am I thinking??!" So I don't know, but it's up & down with me, like my emotions. That's why I do ask for advice to kick me back into positive thinking, because it does help me, but I need to learn that for myself. And my true feelings are that I know I can AND can't be myself around him, like I can be myself because he's fun & I'm fun but that's about ALL that we both have in common, other than that, he wouldn't be a good match because of his need to feed his constant inflated ego with attention from girls and it's sickening in fact. I called him out that he was ruining his own game by even having me there with him while talking to other girls. Well good luck buddy finding some dumb b*tch to string along on a leash and abide by your every rule. ahh ok I feel MUCH better
uniqueone Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 ahh ok I feel MUCH better That's great that you feel better but I think it's going to be temporary again. You need to think of a plan for times when you feel lonely or for when you start thinking of the happy times. Can you write down all of these bad times so that you'll have reminders right in front of you when you start feeling that way?
peace_pipe Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Even though this guy & I had a casual relationship for over a year, Right there is the problem. You've both been beating around the bush playing silly games for a long time. Now everyone else makes haste to label this guy as a jerk. Maybe he is, but I suspect that he may have viable reasons for how he acts. I am certain many things transpired in that year and it's not quite as cut-and-dry as you would have it seem.
Author chill chic Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 That's great that you feel better but I think it's going to be temporary again. You need to think of a plan for times when you feel lonely or for when you start thinking of the happy times. Can you write down all of these bad times so that you'll have reminders right in front of you when you start feeling that way? that's a very good idea, I should try that and see if it works, it wouldn't hurt!
Author chill chic Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Right there is the problem. You've both been beating around the bush playing silly games for a long time. Now everyone else makes haste to label this guy as a jerk. Maybe he is, but I suspect that he may have viable reasons for how he acts. I am certain many things transpired in that year and it's not quite as cut-and-dry as you would have it seem. what do you exactly mean by that?
oppath Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I'm not sure what he meant either, but you are both playing silly games. Quite simple, you say to him: "we've had a casual relationship for a while, and then we took some time off. We reconnected. I have some feelings for you and would like more than a casual relationship. How do you feel and what do you want?" If you can't ask him those questions, you shouldn't be sleeping with him or even seeing him at all. Your interactions with him are a bit of a game, because you are unwilling to ask for what you want, and as a result analyze his behaviors. I can tell you this much: I doubt this guy will ever become your boyfriend. Since you want more than a fling, you really shouldn't hook up with an ex fling, EVER. It doesn't mean there is no possibility things won't develop, it just means a relationship is unlikely. Really, for an ex FWB to become a boyfriend, you honestly need to be smarter about the situation than the dude. You need to be able to handle "just sex" with him more than he can with you. This is not the case. It's the same thing with one night stands. As a woman, if you can be smarter than the guy about it -- knowing why you are doing it and you control it -- then it is healthy and you can't get hurt. In this situation, you sleep with him hoping it may lead to something because you feel a connection. However, it is still casual, and he can play that game better than you. He hasn't given you any indication he wanted more. You sleep with him hoping it might happen without evidence it may happen. You therefore empower him to be a jerk.
Author chill chic Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I'm not sure what he meant either, but you are both playing silly games. Quite simple, you say to him: "we've had a casual relationship for a while, and then we took some time off. We reconnected. I have some feelings for you and would like more than a casual relationship. How do you feel and what do you want?" If you can't ask him those questions, you shouldn't be sleeping with him or even seeing him at all. Your interactions with him are a bit of a game, because you are unwilling to ask for what you want, and as a result analyze his behaviors. I can tell you this much: I doubt this guy will ever become your boyfriend. Since you want more than a fling, you really shouldn't hook up with an ex fling, EVER. It doesn't mean there is no possibility things won't develop, it just means a relationship is unlikely. Really, for an ex FWB to become a boyfriend, you honestly need to be smarter about the situation than the dude. You need to be able to handle "just sex" with him more than he can with you. This is not the case. It's the same thing with one night stands. As a woman, if you can be smarter than the guy about it -- knowing why you are doing it and you control it -- then it is healthy and you can't get hurt. In this situation, you sleep with him hoping it may lead to something because you feel a connection. However, it is still casual, and he can play that game better than you. He hasn't given you any indication he wanted more. You sleep with him hoping it might happen without evidence it may happen. You therefore empower him to be a jerk. and I guess I neglected to say this before in the OP but I did talk to him, uhh..in the bar setting unfortunately, that I wanted more from him and that I liked him, then said to me that he still isn't looking for anything serious, and I said well then fine, I have plenty of other guys back home want to date me, he said that he didn't want to stand in their way. so after all of that was said, that's when he started getting jealous of other guys so that's what confused me the most.
sb129 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 CC, If he wanted an exclusive relationship with you, you would know about it by now. Most likely he wanted to keep you on the backburner for a booty call now and then--- on HIS terms. Many people get a little jealous when they see someone who they see to be "their turf" flirt with someone else. Just because he doesn't want you doesn't necessarily mean he is 100% cool with the idea of you being with someone else. Kinda like the "I don't want them, but I don't want anyone else to have them either" mentality that alot of dumpers feel when the GF/BF they dumped starts seeing someone else. Why are you obsessing over this now? Forget about him. He is NOT BF material. That should be all the analysis you need to do.
Author chill chic Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 CC, If he wanted an exclusive relationship with you, you would know about it by now. Most likely he wanted to keep you on the backburner for a booty call now and then--- on HIS terms. Many people get a little jealous when they see someone who they see to be "their turf" flirt with someone else. Just because he doesn't want you doesn't necessarily mean he is 100% cool with the idea of you being with someone else. Kinda like the "I don't want them, but I don't want anyone else to have them either" mentality that alot of dumpers feel when the GF/BF they dumped starts seeing someone else. Why are you obsessing over this now? Forget about him. He is NOT BF material. That should be all the analysis you need to do. ahhh ok...well now I better understand the whole "territory thing" because it's true, while he was talking to other girls, if a guy came up to me & started talking, he'd get right in there and shake their hand, so he was being a hypocrite. I'm not obsessing about it, those were my final thoughts about this whole retarded relationship I had with him, I think he literally has a dark side to him which I'm not about to find out so I'm done with him. When we got in a drunken fight, he told me to delete his number, so the next day when we were sober I told that to him, and he said he didn't say that. So I believe he can be an abusive drunk, which I wouldn't want myself nor any kids around, so I know in my heart now that he is NOT the right one for me because I want my offspring to grow up in a stable enviornment.
uniqueone Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Ok, I have to ask this.....is this the same guy we had a thread about that went on for 400+ posts? If it is, then I fear this is the beginning of the obsessing again over it that will result in the analyzing and over-analyzing and re-analyzing of it all. And analyzing isn't helping. This seems to be a continous cycle and I wouldn't be at all surprised if this thread goes on for 500 posts. Somethings got to change. You need to break this pattern of not only relationships but of analysis of them. It's not productive. You need to start thinking of different ways to handle this that can be more productive. Maybe that's what we can help you with instead.
sb129 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 So I believe he can be an abusive drunk, which I wouldn't want myself nor any kids around, so I know in my heart now that he is NOT the right one for me because I want my offspring to grow up in a stable enviornment. Whoa back there CC. I think this is half your problem. You start seeing a guy, and you immediately start practising your signature with his surname and start thinking about things like having children with him. People can sense that kind of desperation, and it sounds like the men you have been seeing lately have exploited it. You are so young, you don't need to start shopping for a H yet! Ideally, you should be happy with the guy for a reasonable amount of time before you even start thinking about things like having children with them. RELAX... good things take time to develop, and I doubt you are going to meet the father of your children anytime soon.
Author chill chic Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Whoa back there CC. I think this is half your problem. You start seeing a guy, and you immediately start practising your signature with his surname and start thinking about things like having children with him. People can sense that kind of desperation, and it sounds like the men you have been seeing lately have exploited it. You are so young, you don't need to start shopping for a H yet! Ideally, you should be happy with the guy for a reasonable amount of time before you even start thinking about things like having children with them. RELAX... good things take time to develop, and I doubt you are going to meet the father of your children anytime soon. no no, I NEVER mention children to any of the guys that I see. I'm just saying, if I think about anything serious with any guy, I for-see what life would be like, and in this case, since he gets angry when he gets drunk, who knows how he'd be if we were together in a serious relationship, married or had kids. Usually people can't change their attitudes, and it stays with them for a long time unless they get help, so long time meaning a family if anything, and that's what I think about if I thought in my head I could ever get anywhere with this dude and I'm afraid I'm not
sb129 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 You can't forsee what life would be like with someone when you hardly know them. Lets be honest- you were never really this guys proper GF, so you don't really know him. He may not be R material right now, but to jump to all sorts of conclusions about his potential as a H and a father is ridiculous. If you do this too soon with every guy you meet you will end up constantly disappointed, as nobody is perfect, and most guys your age still have quite a bit of maturing to do anyway. LOTS of people behave badly when they are drunk- he didn't get angry for no reason either. The other night I had had a few too many wines and screamed like a fishwife out the window at some strange guy who woke me up by sitting right outside my window talking really loudly at 3am. Wonderboy and I had had a stupid argument earlier that night because I was being drunk and irrational. He isn't suddenly re-considering his position as my BF... he knows that its rare behaviour from me, and I hardly ever even get drunk. I think you have too many expectations, AND you over-analyse things, and you are far too desperate for a boyfriend (at any cost to you). Harsh I know, but you have so much time, I wish youwould just enjoy yourself and not focus so much on this, it will make you neurotic.
jcster Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Chill chick... I know that this might be rude..but... which (jerky) guy is this again? (It's just that there are so many that I can't keep track of them).
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