smartgirl Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 My H had a year long A. It got to the point for awhile, where they talked about leaving their spouses to be together. It was over sexually, then when I found out the remaining emotional part ended as well. Last year and half - after lots of talking, M is better but I am haunted by certain things which should probably seem trivial in the scheme of things. I can't stand the knowledge that he did and still does think she is more attractive than me. I don't happen to agree with him, but I guess she isn't my type. He feels I need to just accept this and recognize that it doesn't matter, because he is here with me and not with her. I could use some words of support - which he is unable to give me - to help me cope with this. They still work together and we have to see each other periodically at social functions. It makes me crazy that 1) he feels that way and 2) he seems to feel the need to be bluntly honest on this point when he lied about so many other things after d-day. Is this something I should just accept? How do I get past this?
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Why do you think he sees her as being more attractive than you? Did he come out and say that? If he did, that's a really messed up thing to say...and he persists in saying it? That can only be for one reason, he wants to hurt you for some reason. And that's not a good thing, almost as bad as him cheating on you in the first place. Add to that that it went on for a long time, plus the fact that they are still in contact with each other at the work place...and you have a very bad situation. Why can't he get another job? Why must he remind you that she's better looking than you? This is bad news.
BHBV66 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I agree, he's an a.ss.h.ole. He's rubbing it in your face, and he does 'cause you let him. He's an ungreatful scumbag and a MF. He's not doing you any favors staying w/ you, just the opposite. That's the most heartless thing for a cheating spouse to do (besides the cheating of course).
OpenBook Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 As to the first point, I realize that. My big problem is that my H has told me that he thought his OW was more attractive than me. There was nothing in there to cushion the blow of that statement. He feels that is something I simply have to accept, but not care about because he chose to be with me. Well, that is a real ego boost. I wouldn't let this one bother me too much. From what I know about men (even though I don't understand them very well!!, at least they're fairly consistent)... they can think a girl is hot-hot-hot, but it means nothing to them unless they're in love with all the other parts of her -- her personality, how she carries herself, how she treats others, etc.etc. There's always going to be someone else who is better-looking than you. It doesn't mean much. And it doesn't mean anything if your H loves YOU. Regarding the last point, I spoke up a number of times over the decades of our marriage. Nothing changed, except that he got more self conscious for awhile. I always see advice saying to tell your H what you want. Sad to say it has never worked for me. So how did you resolve it?? Please tell me you're not just resigned to taking whatever he's doling out now!... I hope that because you got yourself in shape and started wearing sexier clothes around your H, that that gave you power to ask your H for what you want. ------ I could use some words of support - which he is unable to give me - to help me cope with this. They still work together and we have to see each other periodically at social functions. It makes me crazy that 1) he feels that way and 2) he seems to feel the need to be bluntly honest on this point when he lied about so many other things after d-day. Is this something I should just accept? How do I get past this? I think it depends on the current state of your M overall. If this is the only sticking point for you... if he is attentive to your needs, and otherwise trying to make you happy -- in the bedroom, in the kitchen, out in public, etc. -- then I don't think you have anything to worry about. But I detect some underlying uneasiness in your posts, that it's more than just him saying the OW is attractive. I hope I'm wrong.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I can't stand the knowledge that he did and still does think she is more attractive than me. I don't happen to agree with him, but I guess she isn't my type. He feels I need to just accept this and recognize that it doesn't matter, because he is here with me and not with her. Words are easy to misinterpret. By his actions, hey.. he's with you. It could be that he feels blunt honesty is something he needs to put up on the table in order to be doing his part in the reconciliation effort. If he was told... "Never lie to me again" as most waywards are, and if he WANTS his marriage to work, he's going to be taking that imperative seriously. And let's face it, if he didn't find the OW "attractive" he wouldn't have messed up. How bad would you take it if he just poked any old skeezie whore who'd let him? Men can sometimes be very clumsy in weighing the emotional quality of their words. Overall, they aren't as able to process emotional information as quickly as we are, so it's harder for them to gauge the weight of their words or the emotional effect they'll have on other people. There could also be a misinterpretation of what "attractive" means. I remember one time, shortly after the crisis in our marriage, my husband and I were talking and he told me he still felt "vulnerable". Well, in the context of the conversation we were having, I assumed he meant that he was anxious about the two of us returning to our previous pattern and him getting his feelings hurt again. But nope. After applying a bit of Listen, Rephrase, Repeat, he was telling me that he still felt like he might be "vulnerable" to other women. That's more "honesty" than is strictly judicious if you ask me. But... it gave us an opportunity to talk about it and for me to reassure him that I was a safe person to share his thoughts with. And this is the KEY, if you ask me, to successful reconciliation. That sense of absolute teamwork, where we are safe to share communications and still be accepted and loved within the relationship. 'Even when I don't agree with you, I'm still on your team. We are a bubble of shared intimacy afloat on a sea of turmoil. You and me against the world.' Now, if that's what you have with your husband... the rest is semantics. In the face of that, the OW ceases to be of import. Her attractiveness, or lack thereof, of no moment, notable only because it's there. They still work together and we have to see each other periodically at social functions. Why? See, THIS is the part that would be bothering me. And maybe it's why you're having trouble putting this affair behind you. The experts seem to agree that affair partners should NEVER see or speak to one another again. This makes sense to me. For one thing, if a person is proof against an affair, he wouldn't have gotten involved in one. For another, the affair partner was an interloper on the marriage, without appropriate social boundaries. Therefore, an unknown quantity, whose actions are historically untrustworthy. That's just a recipe for breeding insecurities within the betrayed spouse, and insecurity interferes with true intimacy, making your "bubble" harder to maintain. Is there no way your husband can enforce NC? Perhaps a job transfer or a change in careers?
Author smartgirl Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 You have all given me things to think about and I'm not quite ready yet to post replies. This is highly emotional for me and I'm having a lot of trouble sorting through what is important and what is not. Lady Jane - you said a number of things that I want to comment on later. I thank you for the thoughtful response and I sense that you understand on an intuitive level that there are nuances here. For now, I want to answer the work question specifically. He runs the company. She was at first working with him pretty closely, but doesn't now so much. He can't just walk away without serious consequences to the company, the innocent people who work there and his reputation. She is in a low to middle level job that is of little consequence to the company. Previously, she left jobs about every two years because she would have problems dealing with people. Now, she has decided to stick it out and we are both pretty sure it is to make a point that she will not leave and be "run off" just because I found out. She obviously holds a great deal of control over my H. He allowed himself to be convinced that she had as much to lose as him in starting up the A (she is also married). He knows now he had much more to lose and was much more hesitant to lose it than she. For now, I will say to the rest of you that he has been trying hard to "win me back." He is very intelligent, but very inept at how to talk to women. He tends to say exactly what he thinks in fairly clinical sounding terms. He feels actions are what counts. He feels I shouldn't be trying to control what he thinks, but rather, that I should look only at his actions. But I want the words.
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