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How do I move past the pain?


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Posted

This is a long post but I hope youll have the patience to read it and give me your thoughts. A lot of the stories here sound just like mine. A reoccuring thought for me as well is that not too long ago I was happy, happier than Ive been in a long time. Now, all that seems to surround me is unhappiness. Two months almost three have passed and I seem to be in the same spot. I cant help but wonder when will this pain end? When will I move on?

 

Ive tried all those things mentioned here to try to move past this point. Ive thrown myself into work even getting a second job to get me out of the house. Ive started going to the gym and am taking two classes. Spent time with friends and have even gone on a few dates. Those were horrible as I spent every minute of the dates comparing them to HIM. Not fair, I know, so Ive cut out the dating.

 

Yet during every busy minute, I feel like Im nothing more than an empty shell. Ive lost weight and even more sleep. My friends tell me that Im not moving on because I havent gotten closure. Seems as if one day we were happy, spending time together, sitting and talking for hours. Making plans for the future - plans including getting engaged this December, married by next year. All things HE first mentioned not me.

 

Because he traveled weekly for work, we communicated often via calls, texts and emails. But after 8 great months, a change so drastic that is was obvious. The calls dwindled and so did time spent together. Then a trip taking him out of the country for more than a month. Calls became even more infrequent, texts, vm and emails were ignored. The more he retreated, the more I tried to tried to maintain contact. Ill admit I was, and probably still am, desperate to understand. My questions asking what was happening went unanswered. Time and again the pat answer "Im working" "Nothing" or "Im busy".

 

I chalked up the change to heavy work load - albeit that never stopped him before - but the situation worsened after he returned. The day after his return, I got a brief text telling me not to call or text. I was stunned. I couldnt understand the reason for the message and the same time thought it was extremely childish.

 

Of course I wanted to know what was going on and wasnt about to settle for a text break up! My phone call went to vm so I sent him a single text with one word "HUH?" The next day he doesnt call instead sends an email asking me if all was well as he had gotten over 200 text messages and dozens of calls from me. The only problem was that I hadnt sent any text messages and had only called once. I didnt respond thinking him even more childish for sending an email instead of calling.

 

He called me a few days later telling me he was on the road again. Of course, I questioned his call after the text he sent. He said he wasnt trying to break up with me, just wanted the stop the texting. The talk that night was mainly revolved around the text - my denying his claim and his insisting on it. Finally I told him I was done with the nonsense then he spent hours insisting that we get meet upon his return to talk.

 

We ended up meeting a few times but each time I felt increasingly very odd and he seemed very distant. As much as I tried, he did little talking. Of course, I questioned our status during those meeting and he said more of the same: "Nothing" "Work" etc. Since that email almost three months have passed and two since our last meeting as he is again overseas.

 

During these months, I tried to maintain contact and attempted to reach out in every way I could. I hate how I acted but almost felt as if some contact were better than none. Those contacts were all via telephone as he rarely if ever responded to emails, texts or voice mails. If he was out of town, I would track him down. If I couldnt reach him, I became angry thinking that he was ignoring me. In the heat of the moment, I would send emails to his work.

 

Those always got an instant response as hes not supposed to receive personal emails at work. They provoked angry conversations with him asking what was my problem. Each time he said he had already told me he was swamped with work, didnt have as much time available as before and that he would call me when he was free. Each time, his anger brought out my promises to stop the volume of calls, texts and end the emails to his job.

 

Unfortunately, this became a pattern which has repeated itself one too many times. The truth is that I havent acted this way before and I said that to him last week. I was a different sort of person - I almost dont recognize myself. I told him then that much of my behaviour for the past two months was a reaction to a situation that I had never experienced before.

 

Ive never had a serious relationship of several months end in limbo - there has always been the "talk". I told him the same and said I was hurt, confused, sad and was seeking answers. I said him I would give him time to sort out his feelings and that I hoped he would call me as he had often promised. The call ended with more of my promises to stop my attempts to contact him.

 

That promise lasted ... all of a week. After a week of NC, I tried to call him on Wednesday. I was missing him horribly, missing what we had and wanted some SORT of contact. He answered the phone, hung up then all calls went straight to voice mail. I was FURIOUS thinking that he would hang up on me. I promptly repeated the pattern of texts and calls but received no reply. So, yesterday I again started calling and finally sent my email to his work.

 

As usual, that got a response, this time an email asking me not to send him anything personal to work. I responded by calling him and we proceeded to have a VERY angry conversation. He questioned my promises then pretty much mocked those promises. He then told me that perhaps he would call me if I stopped the way that I was acting. That I never gave him the chance to call because I never waited. He went on to tell me that since I wanted him to be honest, that now he would be.

 

To my amazement, he said that he started to change because I started to change. I was surprised and asked what he meant. He told me that during his first trip out of the country, I had started my "pattern" of calls, text and emails. He claimed that had started the change in him as he didnt like it. I replied that wasnt my usual behaviour. However, I reminded him that he had often and very repeatedly tried to contact me during that trip. As he had during other trips as well. I told him I didnt think my doing the same would be a problem.

 

He went on to ask me if I wanted to see him again. I replied that he knew the answer to that question and to not hold that over me. I turned the question around by asking him the same. He said he did. I asked what it was he wanted. His reply was that he wanted to work things out with me.

I sarcastically said "OOh what, if I BEHAVE like a good child, your feelings for me will come back? We'll go back to the way we were?" The call ended when I was interrupted with a work task.

 

About an hour later, he calls me. Since I was in the middle of a meeting, I wasnt able to say much. That was fine as I wouldnt have been able to get a word in anyhow. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, asking WHY had I sent him more emails to his work. I told him I hadnt which was the truth. My emails had been sent about two hours earlier before our talk.

 

He continued to scream that the timestamps showed they had been sent a few minutes earlier. His white hot anger came through plain and clear. I said I would send him the copies but he said dont bother. I asked if I could call him later. Shouting NO! he hung up. I ended up sending the copies but to his regular email address. After the meeting I wanted to explain, tried to call him but got only voicemail.

 

If I was hurt before, now Im numb. Part of me thinks he WAS trying to give me a hint. I know many would say that I should have gotten the hint. Maybe he would say the same as well. But if that was the case, I feel that I deserved the "talk" and maybe then I could have my closure. Each contact, each talk, we went around and around what seems like the same topic.

 

But yesterdays conversation makes me doubt everything. Now, I think Ive ruined any chance we might have had. I know I have come across in very negative light and I dislike myself intensely because of the way Ive acted. Could he ever forgive me? Should I even believe we had a chance? What can I do to get past this pain? How do I move on? How do I stop this NEED I have to maintain contact? Every thing, every one seems to remind me of him. Your thoughts and opinions are appreciated. Txs.

 

PS To top it all off, tmw is his bday. Should I call?

Posted

First..Dont acknowledge its his bday.

 

Second and most importantly, you guys should both stop directing and focusing this anger over little texts/emails. That shows that there is a bigger problem and that is lack of communication. Instead of nit picking over little phrases or words, the two of you need to sit and talk face to face and address whatever underlying issues there are.

 

Dont bring up past txts with timestamps or missed call logs on a piece of paper. Talk about you two and nothing more. Try to set up a time and place where the two of you could meet. Say over dinner or at a park or something familiar to the both of you (place where the two of you went).

 

Good luck. A lot of us need some type of "closure" (different meaning for everyone) and you seem to really need it so you can start to accept, deal, and move on. Let us know!!!

Posted

Hi Shoulda

 

Soz to hear about your position. You say you had 8 great months together but then a sudden change. Was the change him not phoning or texting you as much as usual etc? Then because of that you started to increase the contact with him. This would be only natural as anybody would be concerned something may be wrong and want to hear that all was well etc. For him to continue to not answer calls or texts is obviously not fair and not something done by someone who cared for you.

 

Sad that a relationship that had lasted that time and you say was great should end at a slanging match about too many calls or texts. something that if love was involved would hardly be an issue or could be resolved very easily.

 

From what I have read, I do not see how yourself has ruined the relationship. Although it is very easy to start blaming yourself. Its important not to start beating yourself up in this, it will be hard enough.

 

As for the moving on. Well its very hard, only time can really help you in the long run. You are doing the obvious things which is good. I would not recommend dating however just yet as you have found. I am prob not the best person to comment re moving on at the mo either. I have fallen quite majorily with this weekend. Yes the huge drop from happiness to sadness is a bitter pill to take, very im finding currently.

 

Good luck tho, take care.

Posted

You are in the same spot because you have continued communicating with him. 2-3 months havent gone by at all. You havent gone a week without contact. It is not good contact either, it seems to be about each of you blaming the other.

I could be wrong, but, what it sounds like to me, is that he has begun to feel guilty, and is looking for excuses to throw at you about how it was your fault.

The situation has become much too complicated, and will only get worse the more you keep in contact.

No contact is hard at first, but, it will get easier. Maybe he will want you back, but not without some good time distance, so that you both can calm down and move past this rut you have become stuck in with each other. Even if he tries to contact you, do not answer, not for a good few weeks, month even.

Posted

I agree with Spinderella, try not to contact him, it will be VERY difficult but use all your will-power to stop yourself. All it will do if you keep in contact is prolong your pain, and he will get angrier and say something harmful to get you to back off. Don't beat yourself up too much as it's common for someone who is backing out of a relationship to lay all the blame on the other. IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT, it takes TWO to make a relationship work and you can only do your half. Give him space to think, this will give you time to heal and build up your strength. I know it's hard as a bitch, but be strong, easier said than done, I know, but it'll pay off in the end.

  • Author
Posted

Hope all are having a better day today. As you could probably tell, I am beating myself up thinking Ive done something wrong. I need to stop blaming myself for the turn in the relationship. If anything, the worst thing Ive done is try to seek answers to my questions. I suppose I have been looking for some sense of closure as Niceguy wrote. Maybe with that I could accept, deal and move on.

 

Bosie is right in saying that someone who cares about you wont act the way that he has. If you care even one bit about the other persons feelings, you would go out of your way to explain the situation not avoid it. I agree Spin and Sans that I need to stop contact. This isnt good contact - the more I try to reach out to him, the angrier he gets. He hasnt actually said Im to blame but his words imply as much.

 

I hate the way that Ive acted and now feel VERY guilty. Not because I think Ive done something wrong; rather, because Im ashamed of my behaviour. As I wrote in the original post, I havent acted this way before and I dont recognize myself. I look in the mirror and hate the actions I see that Ive done. U-G-H!!! In any case, it does take two to make a relationship work and I believe Ive done all I can.

 

Im trying to deal with my need for contact at this point. Im failing miserably!!! Since his bday was Sun, I left him a voice w/o mentioning what had happened. I tried to contact him today but only got vm so I left a message. I want to give him the space ... more than for him, for me, to give myself time to recover the person that I was.

 

I dont even know if I should bother trying to contact to explain/apoogize as in our last conversation he mocked me by saying "Didnt you promise last week you would stop with the texts, calls, emails?" I know I must give the impression that Im a major idiot and that in itself bothers me. Im trying to reach out here first and read over posts before calling... At the same time, if this is to be the end, I dont want that angry conversation to be our last contact. I feel as if I should apologize ... for once AGAIN acting this way. Your opinions on that idea pls ... ...

  • Author
Posted

Hope all are having a better day today. As you could probably tell, I am beating myself up thinking Ive done something wrong. I need to stop blaming myself for the turn in the relationship. If anything, the worst thing Ive done is try to seek answers to my questions. I suppose I have been looking for some sense of closure as Niceguy wrote. Maybe with that I could accept, deal and move on.

 

Bosie is right in saying that someone who cares about you wont act the way that he has. If you care even one bit about the other persons feelings, you would go out of your way to explain the situation not avoid it. I agree Spin and Sans that I need to stop contact. This isnt good contact - the more I try to reach out to him, the angrier he gets. He hasnt actually said Im to blame but his words imply as much.

 

I hate the way that Ive acted and now feel VERY guilty. Not because I think Ive done something wrong; rather, because Im ashamed of my behaviour. As I wrote in the original post, I havent acted this way before and I dont recognize myself. I look in the mirror and hate the actions I see that Ive done. U-G-H!!! In any case, it does take two to make a relationship work and I believe Ive done all I can.

 

Im trying to deal with my need for contact at this point. Im failing miserably!!! Since his bday was Sun, I left him a voice w/o mentioning what had happened. I tried to contact him today but only got vm so I left a message. I want to give him the space ... more than for him, for me, to give myself time to recover the person that I was.

 

I dont even know if I should bother trying to contact to explain/apoogize as in our last conversation he mocked me by saying "Didnt you promise last week you would stop with the texts, calls, emails?" I know I must give the impression that Im a major idiot and that in itself bothers me. Im trying to reach out here first and read over posts before calling... At the same time, if this is to be the end, I dont want that angry conversation to be our last contact. I feel as if I should apologize ... for once AGAIN acting this way. Your opinions on that idea pls ... ...

Posted

I understand totally how you feel. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt. Please get over the need to keep apologising. You wont get anywhere until you do this. Its time for you to be selfish. You should focus on your yourself and do everything to get yourself back to be a person you can be proud of. Dont let anybody break your spirit.

 

I thought I would never get over it and now three months later am starting to see things from totally fresh eyes. When I met him, I was a strong independent woman, who left an abusive relationship to have her own house, nice car, good career. Met him, fell in love. Things changed. I see now how I became a snivelling emotional wreck. He brought me to that. I am bringing myself back. Slowly. When I first met him, we went for a weekend in London and were out for dinner one night with friends. I dont know how it happened, but I ended up singing a song in the middle of a crowded restaurant with his friend accompanying me on the bongo drums(which were part of the restaurant furniture) It was one of those fantastic spontaneous moments that brought the whole place to a standstill. Like something you see in the movies. I want to and will be that person again. I am getting there one day at a time.

 

Stop making excuses.

Stop blaming yourself.So what if an angry conversation is your last conversation. If that is the case, then so be it. In time, the memories of the angry conversation will fade. From both sides. Stop feeling the need to apologise. You will never get better if you do not do this. Just now concentrate on you. If he does not want to end things on a bad note, let him contact you.

 

An old saying here "what's for you, will not pass you". If its meant to be, it will work out.

 

You are looking for reasons, an explanation. Maybe he is so "basic", that there really is no explanation. I have just started to see that. Some people are like that. Just think......it does not really matter. You owe him nothing at this stage, you owe yourself everything.

 

At the end of the day, do you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? Be proud of yourself and only then will someone else be proud of you.

 

Good Luck

Posted
I hate the way that Ive acted and now feel VERY guilty. Not because I think Ive done something wrong; rather, because Im ashamed of my behaviour. As I wrote in the original post, I havent acted this way before and I dont recognize myself. I look in the mirror and hate the actions I see that Ive done. U-G-H!!! In any case, it does take two to make a relationship work and I believe Ive done all I can.

 

I dont even know if I should bother trying to contact to explain/apoogize as in our last conversation he mocked me by saying "Didnt you promise last week you would stop with the texts, calls, emails?" I know I must give the impression that Im a major idiot and that in itself bothers me. Im trying to reach out here first and read over posts before calling... At the same time, if this is to be the end, I dont want that angry conversation to be our last contact. I feel as if I should apologize ... for once AGAIN acting this way. Your opinions on that idea pls ... ...

 

Hey Shoulda..

Firstly, concerning the way you have acted, youre ashamed of some of the things you have done. We have all been there, in the heat of the heartbreak most rational thoughts and actions go out of the window, you feel desparate and that can and often leads to desparate actions and words. I have done some crazy things in the past, I shake my head at some. I remember one gf pretended to fall down my stairs and layl unconscious, just so she didnt have to leave :eek:, Thats love for you.

 

Please DO NOT call him again, or at least for a while. He simply doesnt deserve it. Let him stew, while he knows you are still trying to contact him, he wont feel any more for you, prob less. You must show some self respect, listen to the advice here and other posts, NO CONTACT.

Posted

i think time will eventually help--thats all i hope for-my ex left me for someone else about a month ago(well he cheated on me with her) over the summer and i have spent everyday crying and wondering..i have asked him why he choose her over me?, what does she do that i didnt? and alot more--i just dont get how someone who loved you for 2 years can just replace you so fast! i mean i was 6 years single before i meet my ex and i guess this time will be like 10 years before i trust and love someone else--just makes life so boring and depressing

everyday is a struggle with all the memories, and that can be anything from food, to a memory to a tv show! i am reallythinking about hpnosis if its possible because some days i feel i cant go on--even with how he mistreated me he was my first real love--we had alot of good times also bad though--i took him back when he cheated, then got pregnant and has a miscarriage in august--that is what makes is so devastating to me

and then for him to tell me a few weeks ago that he still loves me, and will always rememver what we had and he still thinks about me all th time and that he wish he could see me! i told him not til he leave her(shes pregnant too!, not sure if hes the father, she had a boyfriend ) its such a big mess-i wish i had amnesia-seriously--i want to forget because i am miserable-crying myself to sleep crying at work-eyes always swollen looking like crap

i feel i will never get over this pain

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