rs.dallaire Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 My ex and I work together. We had our ups (her telling me she misses me and wish we could have what we used to have) and downs (a couple of fights and short NC periods). I often offered that maintaining NC would be better for both of us but she insists she wants us to keep talking. Communication has always been the better part of our relationship and that part hasn't changed. We still have lots to talk about with no weird moments at all. Every now and then she refers to places we've been to and things we've done together, always in a positive way. It's tough to maintain full NC because we work together. However we had periods where contact was limited to work-related stuff and I thought that went pretty well. When I asked her why she insists so much in staying friends with me while it is obviously helping neither of us, she said she needed time by herself to heal her wounds but also... Then she stopped her sentence. I invited her out for dinner and theatre a few weeks ago but she decined, saying she would enjoy spending time with me but thought it wasn't a great idea. She didn't want to "ruin what we had". She eventually found out I was dating someone else. We agreed we'd like to maintain contact although it would complicate things quite a bit. Next thing you know, we're going out for dinner in a couple of weeks. I'm taking her to a fancy steakhouse we used to go to when we dated. She broke up with me a few months ago because of some turmoil in her life. While she still isn't ready for a relationship, her issues are slowly clearing up. Am I becoming her friend or is she trying to feel things out for us to date again?
Travis L Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Am I becoming her friend or is she trying to feel things out for us to date again? Speaking from experience... In my opinion, based solely on what you have said, she is either A)Trying to be just friends or B) Trying to keep her hooks in ya while she sees what else is out there. Trust me, if she finds someone she would be interested in dating, you'll be seeing very little of her. She sees that you have found someone to date and wants to keep you in the wings until she finds someone else, just in case she can't. You are the backup plan. Is this bad? Not really but it's not really fair to you, either. I am going through something similar with her wanting option A, but every time she sees me getting close to someone else she increases her flirtatious behavior with me. It's her way of keeping me close but not too close. Thus far I have been too weak to walk away. I spilled my heart to her today and she said she sees us as better friends. I told her I need to walk away now to heal. Just my 2 cents but I doubt her behavior is strictly her wanting you back. I really think you are the backup plan.
Author rs.dallaire Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Yup, I made a fool out of myself a couple of times when she initially broke up with me. Just for a bit of context, we started to go out while she was still married. When her divorce got nasty, we stopped dating. Neither of us are concerned about being able to find someone else. We still talk as we work closely together and still enjoy each other's company. I think going for dinner is pretty much playing with fire on both sides.
Pentula77 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Cancel the dinner, maintain nc and move forward with the new girl. Don't let ur ex stuff things up for you. It's her ego now that ur playing with. It'll cut you to schreds. "I invited her out for dinner and theatre a few weeks ago but she decined, saying she would enjoy spending time with me but thought it wasn't a great idea. She didn't want to "ruin what we had". In this situation you shouldn't have to do the asking, she should be begging to be let back in...regardless you gave her a chance and she declined. She's out.
Pentula77 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Dude, I hope you don't mid but I've quoted your story under the thread; breakups "guys if you're posting here read this" as an example of what I've been trying to convey.
Author rs.dallaire Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Cancel the dinner, maintain nc and move forward with the new girl. Don't let ur ex stuff things up for you. It's her ego now that ur playing with. It'll cut you to schreds. "I invited her out for dinner and theatre a few weeks ago but she decined, saying she would enjoy spending time with me but thought it wasn't a great idea. She didn't want to "ruin what we had". In this situation you shouldn't have to do the asking, she should be begging to be let back in...regardless you gave her a chance and she declined. She's out. Thanks for your response. My relationship with this girl has always been a bit odd in the sense that I always did the calling. Throughout the several months of dating it was always expected that I call. Also, just to clarify that we do have contact and have been in contact for months.
birdie Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I think you should just follow your instincts and see how it goes otherwise you'll always wonder what would have happened. some the of posts above are by people that are scared of being burnt, you don't really sound that afraid so I'd carry on in your shoes and see how it pans out
Author rs.dallaire Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Thanks, Birdie. It would be really difficult to maintain a real relationship with this girl. Ideally I'd like her to be my "special friend" and leave it at that. You are right that I'm not afraid to get hurt. I find fear to be counterproductive in most situations. RE dinner, we will be going out for the evening. She and I never had dinner in less than 3 hours, and I'll make sure we have cocktails before AND after the meal... I'm intrigued that she let me take her to a place that is so much associated with our past.
Author rs.dallaire Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Lets us know what happened at dinner.... I sure will... Dinner is actually in a couple of weeks. We'll be going to the theatre as well. The last 12 months of my life have been anything but boring. I had a really intense relationship, I got hurt, I dated other people and now it's destination unknown again. Life wouldn't be worth living if everything was always easy and straightforward. No matter how painful relationships can be at times, at the end of the day we still look for a partner. We may as well invest ourselves and live life at its fullest.
CaliGuy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 My ex and I work together. We had our ups (her telling me she misses me and wish we could have what we used to have) and downs (a couple of fights and short NC periods). That's cruel. She needs to cut that out. I often offered that maintaining NC would be better for both of us but she insists she wants us to keep talking. So you've set a boundary and she consistently crosses it? She doesn't have much respect for you. Communication has always been the better part of our relationship and that part hasn't changed. We still have lots to talk about with no weird moments at all. Every now and then she refers to places we've been to and things we've done together, always in a positive way. It's tough to maintain full NC because we work together. However we had periods where contact was limited to work-related stuff and I thought that went pretty well. When I asked her why she insists so much in staying friends with me while it is obviously helping neither of us, she said she needed time by herself to heal her wounds but also... Then she stopped her sentence. I invited her out for dinner and theatre a few weeks ago but she decined, saying she would enjoy spending time with me but thought it wasn't a great idea. She didn't want to "ruin what we had". What do you have? There's not really a friendship as far as I can tell. For the most part her insistence on maintaining contact is merely to make her life easier, not yours. She doesn't want to be uncomfortable at work and she wants a lot of the things she had in a relationship with you WITHOUT having a relationship with you. Doesn't that sound extremely selfish? It sure does to me. She eventually found out I was dating someone else. We agreed we'd like to maintain contact although it would complicate things quite a bit. Next thing you know, we're going out for dinner in a couple of weeks. I'm taking her to a fancy steakhouse we used to go to when we dated. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. She broke up with me a few months ago because of some turmoil in her life. While she still isn't ready for a relationship, her issues are slowly clearing up. Am I reading here that you have noticed some red flags with her but are ignoring them? Am I becoming her friend or is she trying to feel things out for us to date again? Who knows? If I were you, I'd play hard to get. I wouldn't be taking her to dinner. If you really want to know if she wants to date again, PLAY HARD TO GET. Make her EARN you back. She dumped you therefore SHE needs to work to rebuild that trust. Also, didn't you say you are dating someone else?? Are you two-timing the new girl?
Pentula77 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 the bad thing is that this girl declined your offer for dinner but then accepted once she found out you're dating another girl...
Author rs.dallaire Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Until I'm married, I will always keep an eye open for every interesting woman out there. I don't want to be her pal but we can't have a real relationship either. If I can bone her a couple of times a month and maintain a good rapport with her, that would be ideal. I'll let everyone know how the story unfolds...
Author rs.dallaire Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 What do you have? There's not really a friendship as far as I can tell. For the most part her insistence on maintaining contact is merely to make her life easier, not yours. She doesn't want to be uncomfortable at work and she wants a lot of the things she had in a relationship with you WITHOUT having a relationship with you. Doesn't that sound extremely selfish? It sure does to me. Am I reading here that you have noticed some red flags with her but are ignoring them? Who knows? If I were you, I'd play hard to get. I wouldn't be taking her to dinner. If you really want to know if she wants to date again, PLAY HARD TO GET. Make her EARN you back. She dumped you therefore SHE needs to work to rebuild that trust. Also, didn't you say you are dating someone else?? Are you two-timing the new girl? Thanks for your answer. I've actually thought of all of these points as well. If she decides to play me, it will work for a short period of time but it will be to her detriment in the long run. She'll drop hints here and there but I know for a fact that this girl won't ask me out. If I want to find out if there are still sparks between us, I'll have to make the first move. I realize I might get hurt but then again it can't be worse then the first time...
CaliGuy Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Thanks for your answer. I've actually thought of all of these points as well. If she decides to play me, it will work for a short period of time but it will be to her detriment in the long run. She'll drop hints here and there but I know for a fact that this girl won't ask me out. If I want to find out if there are still sparks between us, I'll have to make the first move. I realize I might get hurt but then again it can't be worse then the first time... That would be emotional and relationship suicide. If you chase her, she will run. I guarantee you that. That's probably what drove her away the first time. And yes, it CAN be worse than the first time. Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover) yet?
Author rs.dallaire Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 We finally went out for dinner and it was fantastic. We also went to a jazz concert, which turned out to be quite nice as well. She was beautiful. We spent over seven hours together and never had a dull moment. We'll be having dinner again in a couple of weeks. Lately we've been talking quite a bit (almost daily). We can easily spend an hour or two on the phone. She likes to mention activities we did in the past and how she enjoyed them. I must reckon I'm not insensitive to the memories she brings up. Meanwhile she also mentions that she's still quite messed up (and she clearly is). I don't know what the heck we're doing...
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