CallMeCrazy Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm the "OW" too. I met my MM almost 2.5 years ago. He's my boss. It was never anything more than that until about 7 months ago. At this point ~ we see each other several times per week and go on overnight "work events" whenever possible. I do love him and he says he loves me. Pretty much all the things that the OW are being told ~ he has told me. Blah blah blah ~ that seems to be the theme here, huh? ** He's been with his wife for 20 years and unhappily married for at least the last 7. He has two kids 14 and 12. He has cheated twice before, but they were purely sexual. He didn't ever "date" these women like he's dating me. (As crazy and weird as it is, I actually new one of them, and know for certain that is true...) He is "going" to leave her. He feels different with me, I'm nothing like anyone he's met before. We are perfect for each other. He can be himself with me. We have so much in common.... ** At this point, I am feeling a wreck. This is emotionally draining. I have these "highs" and "lows". High when we're together and lows when we're not. I am feeling increasing guilty about his W because I have met her ~ several times. I have hosted parties at my house in the past where they attended as a couple and vice versa (when I was dating other people). She is a beautiful, nice woman. I hate knowing that I'm doing this to her. But will admit I'm selfish and want things to work with us. I feel like I've never felt before when we're together. And he is unlike anyone I've ever dated, we have this "connection" that is amaing. I do know that the relationship he has with the W is "dead" ~ I knew this in the time I simply worked for my MM and saw the heartache in his eyes. He's a work a holic because he hates going home. I know he was searching for all the things missing in his life/relationship ~ However, if he "loves me" and what we have is so real why won't he do what he needs to do and properly end things with his W. It's been 7 months!!! Now, I almost think he WANTS to get caught. We are increasingly doing things in very public places where we could easily see people we know. The lies he has to tell her and our co-workers are getting outrageous and confusing. People are definitely starting to suspect. I guess I just need to vent and feel better that I'm not the only one. As you know, there are very few people I can talk to about my relationship. It's lonely and sad sometimes ~ but I have hope that this is real? I'm in way over my head.....
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm not sure what to tell you... I think it's very risky when A's happen in the workplace, especially when it's your boss...For the most part, the woman ends up taking the fall... What do you want out of the R? What are your needs and is he fulfilling them?
Author CallMeCrazy Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 I agree, it's super risky! Initially, I told him it wouldn't work and we didn't see each other for 6 weeks or so. However, the connection we have is so strong I felt like we had to persue the relationship ~ that is was worth the risk?! I definitely want more. We have talked about our future, our house, possibly having a child together! It's serious stuff... He is actually a great person, a wonderful leader and boss who genuinely cares about his employees success. His downfall is that he wants to keep everyone happy. I know this is why he has been hesitant to come clean with his W. He wants to, I know he does, but no one wants to admit their wrongdoings..... Especially when they are as severe as this. It's easy to ignore the problem. (WHICH I HATE AND AM SO FRUSTRATED BY) We've talked about it ~ he says he's going to tell her everything, and I hope he does because she deserves to know!! I just wish he'd do it sooner rather than later. The hurt is going to be there regardless of how, when or where it happens. I think it'd be better to have it come from his mouth than for her to find out another way.......... This is all so messed up ~ I still can't even believe I'm in this situation.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 However, if he "loves me" and what we have is so real why won't he do what he needs to do and properly end things with his W. It's been 7 months!!! It could very well be that he wants her to initiate the split, so that he does not look so much like the 'bad guy'. This could go either way. If she has no idea that he has ever cheated, and she finds out - she will probably want to go the reconciliation route rather than the divorce route. It is much easier and cheaper for them both not to divorce. If she does know, then on some level she tolerates it because, while the affair may be distracting, it isn't worth divorcing over. In a nutshell, if he is waiting for her to do all the dirty work you could end up waiting a long time.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I agree, it's super risky! Initially, I told him it wouldn't work and we didn't see each other for 6 weeks or so. However, the connection we have is so strong I felt like we had to persue the relationship ~ that is was worth the risk?! I definitely want more. We have talked about our future, our house, possibly having a child together! It's serious stuff... He is actually a great person, a wonderful leader and boss who genuinely cares about his employees success. His downfall is that he wants to keep everyone happy. I know this is why he has been hesitant to come clean with his W. He wants to, I know he does, but no one wants to admit their wrongdoings..... Especially when they are as severe as this. It's easy to ignore the problem. (WHICH I HATE AND AM SO FRUSTRATED BY) We've talked about it ~ he says he's going to tell her everything, and I hope he does because she deserves to know!! I just wish he'd do it sooner rather than later. The hurt is going to be there regardless of how, when or where it happens. I think it'd be better to have it come from his mouth than for her to find out another way.......... This is all so messed up ~ I still can't even believe I'm in this situation. Ok, step back and determine, is the risk worth it to you? Are you a single parent? MW? Or a single woman? You didn't give enough info so depending on the answer, my answer to you would be a little different... I am an OW, so please remember that when I say what I say... You guys haven't been together very long...it's really early for him to be promising babies and marriage-he already has that...He seems like he's really giving you all the lines, which is a red flag to me... I know that you want it all-everyone does...but you really need to base your R on the two of you...you need to make your needs known and he needs to fulfill them...But focus on the two of you, not him leaving his M...
Author CallMeCrazy Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Thank you.... I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what WE have. Under any other circumstance I'd be seeing red flags too... the baby talk, future stuff, etc. IS a big deal. However, I think he is serious about those *feelings* for me. I am aware I could be waiting a long time... (I have a co-worker whose been an OW for 3.5 years!!) and even though I do love him, I'm not willing to wait that long. In my mind, you know or you don't. It's obvious we have something special ~ but I think it's disrespectful to his W and to me if he doesn't start making some really big decisions. I've been wrestling with the thought of a "mental deadline" for him to leave his W ~ meaning if he hasn't done it by then, on his own, I end things.. (Do I wait 3 months? 6 months? etc.) I certainly do not want to pressure him into decision like that which is why I call it a mental deadline. OR do I just focus on our relationship and let some sort of natural progression take place... assuming that will happen!?! FYI: I'm divorced, single, late twenties with no kids. Pretty un-complicated on my end other than the fact we work together. I guess 7 months together isn't a huge amount of time, but I've been friends/co-workers with him 2 and a half years, so I feel like I've known him longer. We did a lot of things socially through work so we've always had a pretty strong connection, it just never moved to that other level until 7 months ago.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I am aware I could be waiting a long time... (I have a co-worker whose been an OW for 3.5 years!!) and even though I do love him, I'm not willing to wait that long. In my mind, you know or you don't. It's obvious we have something special ~ but I think it's disrespectful to his W and to me if he doesn't start making some really big decisions. I've been wrestling with the thought of a "mental deadline" for him to leave his W ~ meaning if he hasn't done it by then, on his own, I end things.. (Do I wait 3 months? 6 months? etc.) I certainly do not want to pressure him into decision like that which is why I call it a mental deadline. OR do I just focus on our relationship and let some sort of natural progression take place... assuming that will happen!?! FYI: I'm divorced, single, late twenties with no kids. Pretty un-complicated on my end other than the fact we work together. I guess 7 months together isn't a huge amount of time, but I've been friends/co-workers with him 2 and a half years, so I feel like I've known him longer. We did a lot of things socially through work so we've always had a pretty strong connection, it just never moved to that other level until 7 months ago. Be careful of the "deadline" school of thought...It's a slippery slope...Mostly because things can happen to change the deadline...And then what do you do? I think take it day by day...If you're happy and he's meeting your needs, making you primary, walking the walk, then rely on the natural progression approach... I thought you said you were together less time, I read it wrong... Mostly be supportive of him and your R...It will be hard sometimes, but if you're with the right person, it will be worth it... One thing, you might want to get him to cool the talk about babies and stuff and kinda let him know you guys can deal with that, when he's completely yours...
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 He doesn't have the guts to tell his wife he's truly unhappy, to walk away and end his marriage, ruin the family unit as they know it now. He will continue to have affairs on the side if you end it with him... The thing is, are you happy enough being just the OW? You deserve more and unless a miracle happens, from what you've said, he isn't going to actually leave his wife, his kids, give up everything...It's too easy for him to live life as it is and keep on working, but still have a wife at home, family, friends, the house, the comfortable lifestyle...
KATANYA Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 You say you are late twenties and he has been married for 20 years....I'm assuming he is a bit older than you???? Please be VERY careful about your work situation. You say the two of you have been increasingly more obvious about your relationship. If he is the boss and you are an underling not only will the discovery of this romance wreak havoc on his and the W's relationship but you will certainly be blacklisted at the office by co-workers and other "bosses" if there are any. Your relationship 'deadlines' need to be for yourself.......this is how long I will wait for him to clean up his situation! He needs to know these deadlines to know where you stand but you need to stand by them. You will then have to be clear in your mind that you can live by them. Many OW don't expect our MM to leave their W...some do! If you really do, and you are prepared to say "I'll wait for x months and then its over" make sure you have a plan for EVERYTHING - how will you go NC when he is your boss; Will He become vindictive toward you at work because its over? Will you really be able to walk away - the longer you stay in the harder it is to walk out! Finally, he has had two affairs prior to you......make sure you can deal with those 'trust' issues when (and if) he becomes "YOURS". And I wouldn't be too quick either to have him promise me babies....going from OW to Step Mother of two teens is not an easy challenge! Don't want to sound doom and gloom but the 'wonderful times' you two have are very new and there are many challenges ahead if you truly want to be together....you will need to be sure he is really going to do what he claims and, most importantly, you will have to give him space to do it! If he is going to leave W then he should do it because its not working for them and leave you and the A out of it. You don't ever want to be the 'reason' why he left! Hope everything works out the way you want it to, BE CAREFUL, and most of all, make sure you know what you REALLY want. If you enjoy reading, try 'Getting Rid of Matthew' by Jane Fallon - if nothing else it is an often humorous but very realistic book with a lot of scenerios that any OW can relate to (especially those of us that have been involved with a MM from work!).
Galexia Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Hi There, I was an OW for 1 1/2 yrs before my MM left his wife and kids of nearly 30 yrs. His kids are older and grown and so that was a bit easier than kids still being young and dependent. We have now been together for over 3 years and most things are going well. I guess I'm just writing to illustrate that sometimes these things DO work out. It's not easy though. When my MM told his wife, he basically left me because "they" needed to work their own issues out, and to see if the relationship was worth holding on to. It was a very painful time for me, but I understood. He wouldn't be the man that i fell for if he didn't do those things. But he did come back, and like I said, we've been together ever since. He is still not divorced, which bothers me like mad, but i know they are woring on it slowly. I'm trying not to pressure him, but it does upset me that the divorce isn't happening more quickly. Anyway...just be prepared for a major change if he ever does tell her. A person's whole reality changes when things like this become clear. But if you feel the love and connection, hold on.... One other thing to consider.....what are the consequences of her finding out? Are you in a small town? Can the two of you be happy together if others know how it all began? I know for me and mine, we left our small town because of it. But a big chage is good. Goold Luck and keep us posted!
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Sorry for the T/J OP... Galexia, if you would be willing, listening to your story would be very interesting for me and a few others on your own thread. I'm in a very similar situation to yours and its nice to hear stories that work out eventually, if you care to share? Je Ne x
child_of_isis Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 If MM has been married for 20 years and you are in your late 20's....he has been married to his W almost as long as you have been alive. Never underestimate the power of "history".
Galexia Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Sorry for the T/J OP... Galexia, if you would be willing, listening to your story would be very interesting for me and a few others on your own thread. I'm in a very similar situation to yours and its nice to hear stories that work out eventually, if you care to share? Je Ne x I have no problem sharing, just let me know what you'd like to know. did you want me to go through the whole story?? Happy to help.
lost4ever Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 CMC, of course I am an OW and my MM and I just split, so this is going to be a jaded reply. All OW want it to be different with us and our OM, the truth is if he has had other affairs its just not going to happen. He didn't have these crazy feeling of love for you that he couldn't hold back, he was scoping for another affair partner, one that is many years younger than him, who works for him (they love that we admire them). I know he tells you it's different and he has never loved anyone the way he loves you, but he will always love himself the most. I mean think about this, do you think he is going to divorce his, very pretty educated wife who raised his kids, knows his family then look everyone in the eyes (his mom, brother, kids, ect.) and say, Oh btw this is my new girlfriend, isn't it funny that I traded my wife in for a younger model....(I'm thinking his mom isn't going to think he is a stud) In all honesty, if he does seperate from his wife, I would be shocked if he doesn't want to be on his own for awhile, he seems like the type that would see what is out there
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I worked for a guy that was looking to have an affair with me, too. I didn't take the bait. Didn't need the bullsh*t and furthermore, my livliehood was more important than my boss getting his jollies at work because his marriage was 'bad' and 'boring.' Tell it to the divorce courts and leave me the hell out of it. As OW, we've ALL heard the same crap - how he's 'never loved anyone like he loves his OW' and blah blah blah. This is too cliche for words. You know what? After 20 years, people get bored. They get bored of the routine and the 'sameness' of their everyday. It's HUMAN NATURE. So they seek out something to bring excitement to their lives - an affair, perhaps? You've already stated this guy is a serial cheater because he's had at least two affairs before you. I would bet it's more, but that's not really the point. What better 'thrill' and ego rush for him than to play with the gal whose half his age? Can we say "mid-life crisis?"
lost4ever Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 If you want to know if he really loves you tell him you are telling his wife, then see if he ever calls again...(even if you have no intention on calling, he will never call again, promise)
Author CallMeCrazy Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 I appreciate all the words of advice... thank you for taking the time to respond or to read my posting. Believe me, I have considered every one of these points ~ and am still trying to decide if I really am "different" or if I'm a part of some mid-life crisis he is having. It's a tough call... but ultimately I have to go with my gut as crazy as this whole relationship/situation is. There are days when I want to say F*** it all, quit my job and start dating. But that isn't what I really want to do. I hope that what we have is real and that while the road will be rocky, eventually we can have something even more special that what we have now. The update for this weekend is: He contacted an attorney, gathered up his financial documents to take to the attorney and looked at potential temp living assuming he leaves his W right after the holidays. I'm taking it one day at a time ~ because obviously until he actually signs the papers, tells the W and leaves, it's all still talk. As far as me (which he is 14 years older btw) I'm sending out resumes and concentrating on my own life ~ moving forward with or without him. Either way, it is going to be increasingly difficult to continue working together. The bottom line..... while karma is definitely going to be a b*tch ~ I have no regrets.
Virgo1982 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Thank you.... I have to constantly remind myself to focus on what WE have. Under any other circumstance I'd be seeing red flags too... the baby talk, future stuff, etc. IS a big deal. However, I think he is serious about those *feelings* for me. I am aware I could be waiting a long time... (I have a co-worker whose been an OW for 3.5 years!!) and even though I do love him, I'm not willing to wait that long. In my mind, you know or you don't. It's obvious we have something special ~ but I think it's disrespectful to his W and to me if he doesn't start making some really big decisions. I've been wrestling with the thought of a "mental deadline" for him to leave his W ~ meaning if he hasn't done it by then, on his own, I end things.. (Do I wait 3 months? 6 months? etc.) I certainly do not want to pressure him into decision like that which is why I call it a mental deadline. OR do I just focus on our relationship and let some sort of natural progression take place... assuming that will happen!?! FYI: I'm divorced, single, late twenties with no kids. Pretty un-complicated on my end other than the fact we work together. I guess 7 months together isn't a huge amount of time, but I've been friends/co-workers with him 2 and a half years, so I feel like I've known him longer. We did a lot of things socially through work so we've always had a pretty strong connection, it just never moved to that other level until 7 months ago. Feelings are magnified in affairs like this because you are like his hero.
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