Ponzoli Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Okay, full disclosure. I have not had a girlfriend for 9 years (now 28, that was back when I was 19 in college for about 2 months). Since then, I have not even gone out on a "real date" (dinner, movie, playingminiature golf, u know anything at nite to make it a real date) since that time. As of right now, it has been approximately 3 years since I have approached a woman I was attracted to, to ask for her phone number/hit on her/ask her out for a date. Is this an unusually long period of time? Some of my friends say that going 3 years without even trying to ask one girl out is absurd. Are they right? I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks.
Lizzie60 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 you seem very concerned about all your dating 'pattern' and what others think.. Some of my friends say that going 3 years without even trying to ask one girl out is absurd. Are they right? Let me give you ONE advice... Who cares!!!! Really... who cares what your friends think.. it's about YOU... How do you feel about it... If you're OK with it.. then it's none of their business... and they can say whatever they want... just tell them that you're old enough to manage your own life and to know what's good or not for you... thank you very much... simple!
Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I agree that its about what you feel. However, if you're asking because you DON'T feel good about it, I can relate. Full disclosure on my story--I never dated until I was 18. And after my first boyfriend, it was 6 years before my next. Finally realized that I'm a TERRIBLE first impression---shy, awkward, insecure, will ALWAYS say the wrong thing, but a GREAT second impression--funny, smart, engaging, etc.. So now I pretty much stick to online dating where the email process gives me time to relax and be "my real self". Hang what anyone else thinks, it works for me. Just got dumped hard last week (didn't say it gave me perfect love life, just a more active one), and I'm already setting up coffee dates for next week. I just know the longer I wait before getting out there, the more likely I'll fall into my old reclusive habits.
Sweetcheripie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Yep I agree with Lizzie - totally what you are comfortable with BUT if you are ready I would definitely try getting back out there!!! I went a long time w/out dating because I had really young kids. They are awesome, self assured kids so I think I did the right thing but who knows they may have been better off if I had met an awesome man when they were young. Why haven't you dated?
Author Ponzoli Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Why haven't you dated? In response to your question above, I suppose that after my last gf back in college, I asked a handful of other woman out/expressed interest in them, and none of them liked me. Once that was the case, I guess I just decided to give up on asking woman I found attractive out. So I guess in response to your question, as to why I haven't dated for the past 3 years, I just gave up on trying to approach those woman whom I find attractive, due to several rejections before that date. Does that make sense?
Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Makes TOTAL sense. I'm right there with you. And I'm like you in that rejection is REALLY hard for me to deal with, but dating is a numbers game--you have to make a certain number of attempts to find someone you click with. Have you considered online dating? If you post a pic, and a woman responds to your ad (or reacts favorably when you respond to hers), you'll already know that she at least finds you somewhat attractive with a minimum of risk.
Sweetcheripie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Ponzoli that does make sense! Maybe you just need to build your self esteem a little. Rejection hurts - but only if we let it. I'm in sales and all the top trainers will tell you , you have to get a LOT of no's before you get a yes. So learn to take those "no's" in stride - the more no's you get the closer you are to finding the "yes!" Sounds kinda corny huh? But you have had time to learn about yourself and be proud of who you are! Also maybe your friends see what an awesome catch you are and they really want to get you out there. Do any of them have someone in mind for you?
Author Ponzoli Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Sweet Cheripie, thanks I do agree. I can't stand rejection, so I have just given on on approaching or even talking to any woman I find attractive. One of the last times I did approach a woman I found attractive (about 5 years ago) the following happened. I would really appreciate it, and provide me with your honest opinion as to what really "happened" Was she ever really interested or no?"Okay, here it goes, full disclosure. I am walking down campus one day, and she this incredibly hot check sitting on the grass reading. I walk over to her and introduce myself. We exchange hellos and then I ask her, point blank, if she thought I was cute, average, ugly, etc. She was a little surprised by my question, but she said that she thought I was honestly cute. I then asked her to rate me on a scale of 1-10 and she said I was about a 7. She laughed at my questions, and told me that she does crazy stuff like that allthe time so she wasn't freaked out by asking her that type of questions. We then had a pretty laid back decent chat for about 5 minutes (her major, my major, home towns, what profession she wanted to go into, and why, etc.). She then asked me to rate her according to her looks, which kind of surprised me, but I played along since I had asked the question first, and I rated her honestly. After all that, I asked for her cell phone number. She wrote it down and handed it to me, but she said that between school and being on the UM swim team, she didn't have much time so she may or may not call me back if I called her. She said she just wanted to be honest with me. I thanked her for her honesty, and proceeded to walk away and throw her number in the trash. Now about 3-4 weeks to a month later, I walk past her on campus, without noticing her at first. I then turned around and she was standing in a doorway making eye contact, looking straight at me for like 3-4 seconds. ANd she didn't look "happy". That's the best way I could put it. Maybe she was just trying to place my face if she recognized me, and I mistook her expression of bewilderment for anger, but she just kinda had on a "puss" IMO. Now this was like 5 years ago, so I am just asking to satiate my own curiosity. What do you guys make of this entire weird talke. Specifically: 1-What do you make of her giving me her number, but saying, "I am not going to lie, give me a call, but I can't guarantee I will call you back." 2-What do you make of her kind of giving me an unusual stare that day I walked past her 2-3 months later. Any input would be appreciated"Thanks!
Sweetcheripie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well, in the future, I would change the convo at first. I would feel really uncomfortable if someone asked me to rate their attractiveness in the first couple of minutes. But she didn't seem to mind and threw it back on you so maybe it is a good ice breaker. I think the "look" from her was probably because you didn't call. She gave you her number and probably felt a little weird about that giving it to a complete stranger. So she gave herself a little out that she might be too busy - but she didn't have to give you her number. That wasn't rejection. Did she see you throw her number in the trash? That would definitely warrant a "look" Truly in this situation, I think she would have gone out on a date with you if you had called the next day and kept it light, like a Jamba juice after swim practice or something like that. Honestly, it seems like you rejected her not the other way around.
Author Ponzoli Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it. In response to your question: No, I really don't think she saw me throw her phone number away. I had already walked past her for a while, and I don't think she could see me from there. Also, like I said, the fact that she was looking at me the 2nd time when I walked by her might have just been a "that guy looks familiar, where did I talk to him before?" kinda of look. . Who knows. I was just honestly asking for your advice on what to read if anything into her giving me her number but stating "I might or might not call your back if you call, I just want to be honest." Personally, I took that as meaning "I am still not sure that I want to go out with you, so I will be honest with you and tell you that I might not call you back." Also, SweetCheriePie, since you have been so much help to me, can I run by one more hypothetical by you? I really appreciate your help
Sweetcheripie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Sure!! Sorry for the delay - had to run an pick up the dogs from the groomers.
Author Ponzoli Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Like I said, I really do appreciate you input and advice on this thread. I would really appreciate if you could read the situation below, and let me know, honestly, is this girl interested in me or am I just reading too much into things because I want her to be interested in me? Thanks! Okay, there is this girl in my German 103 class that is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She sits on the opposite side of the room from me, and I am always checking her out, even if it means craning my neck around 2 of her neighbors to get a view of her. Judging by where she sits vis a vis where I sit, I imagine she has seen me doing this via her peripheral vision several times. She has also caught me looking 2-3 times by turning around in my direction. When she did that, I automatically looked away , did not simile and avoided eye contact. . On one instance however, she beat me to it after we made accidental eye contact, and s he looked away right away before I could. Now, I thought that was the end of it right there, def. not interested, she broke eye contact and looked away without smiling, end of story. but... like 2 weeks later, I am sitting in the room, and she walks in, past her spot (where she always sits) and sits down in the chair right next to me. Now there were still a ton of seats available, so she was not choosing this seat just because it was the only one left. I was kinda surprised by this, as I had expected her to avoid me at all costs once she caught me checking her out all those times, and looked away from me. So I am sitting right next to her, minding my own business, and she turns around and faces me, and asks me "So how's your ankle doing?" (I had broken my ankle a few weeks before). I simply repiled "Better, thanks" and we didn't really talk again the rest of the class. Since then she has goine back to sitting on the opposite side of the class as usual. My only question is, what should I make if anything of her sitting right next to me that day, and asking about my ankle out of the blue? I mean, I figure that if a Girl kn ows I am interested in her, but she is def. not interested in me she would have stayed as far away from sitting by me as possible, and avoided iniating any unnecessary contact between us. Am I wrong about this? Please help. Your opinions would be appreciated. Thanks.
Author Ponzoli Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 are you back yet? Like I said yesterday, I really would appreciate your input on the latest scenario contained in my post above. What do you think? Please let me know, your advice/input so far has been invaluable.
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I heard a story once about Colonal Sanders (the KFC guy). He went from place to place trying to sell his chicken recipe. He was turned down dozens if not hundreds of times before he found someone who was interested. You know what happened after that. "A quitter never wins and a winner never quits". You give up too easily.
Sweetcheripie Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Hey Ponzoli! Just saw this! Sorry again for the delay! Ok from your scenario - YES! She was interested! Ok so start talking to her!!! Let's recap - you see her, show interest. She probably looks back but you don't notice. So she takes the initiative to sit by you, initiate convo and you don't do anything. She probably assumes a) you are not interested or b) you are in a relationship but just checking her out. She goes back to where she sat before probably feeling a little rejected. Ok breathe!!!!! Start talking and smiling with these girls. You are in college - have FUN!! There will never be so many opportunities again in your life to meet people. Go sit by her - ask if she would like to go to coffee and study together. Do you currently have a study group? Ask her to join! Any group projects in class? Ask her to be your partner? When do you have the class again? Go sit by her, smile, and be confident. Have you missed any classes that you might need some notes from her? Start up a conversation. Take some baby steps. Then let me know how it goes!!! I use to know the cutest guy in college. He was tall and super handsome. He had red hair and had been teased about it when he was little. So he had this big chip on his shoulder. Seriously he was probably the most handsome guy around. Super smart and an all around great guy. He and I became GREAT friends (I had a serious boyfriend) and I would set him up with all my friends - he NEVER would ask anyone out. Finally after a couple of years of me and my friends telling him how great he was - he asked out this girl that he thought had no interest in him but she was absolutely beautiful (think a very young Christie Brinkley). They made the cutest couple, they dated for two years, and I was in their wedding! So start asking those girls out! I like the KFC story! Again, some will say no - maybe they have a boyfriend, whatever. It doesn't matter - keep asking. I can't wait to hear how it goes!!!!!!!
CanyonWall Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I think gaps in dating are more common than you think. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 24. My ex-girlfriend 4 years ago never had a bf until me, she was aged 37. My current gf had a 12 year gap in dating. I know someone who has not had a gf ever, he's 52. None of us are freaks, it just happens that way for one reason or another.
Author Ponzoli Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks for the input man. I had no idea that there were others out there who had experienced worse or similiar gaps than mine. What do you think could account for such gaps?
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 What do you think could account for such gaps? Fear. .....
CanyonWall Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Thanks for the input man. I had no idea that there were others out there who had experienced worse or similiar gaps than mine. What do you think could account for such gaps? "Fear" is partially right, but there's more to it than that. I had social phobia, so no girlfriend until I was 24. My ex just didn't really show an interest, so she didn't date until she was 37. She had a few flings, but that's all. My current gf gained weight, so fear of rejection was related to that. As for the guy who's never had a gf at 52, we haven't talked about it really, apparently his parents never cuddled him so he never developed that physical affection pleasure feeling.
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 As for the guy who's never had a gf at 52, apparently his parents never cuddled him so he never developed that physical affection pleasure feeling. He's 52, never had a GF, and you think it's because he wasn't "cuddled by his parents". There's a lot more too it than that, I guarantee it.
Author Ponzoli Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 What do you mean by that? I am 26 and have only ever had one girlfriend (for like 2 months, set up by mutual friends).
vathuum Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Hello, newbie here. I'm in a slightly similar situation, though I would say that you (Ponzoli) have much more confidence than me. You're not the only one who haven't been on a date for long time. Like yourself, I'm approaching 30 and I've pretty much been in "isolation" for about 10 years (and no, that's not a euphemism for imprisonment or some sort of convent). I've been intensely pre-occupied with my studies and career, so I really didn't think much about relationships (short or long term). It wasn't until recently that I felt that maybe something or someone is missing in life. However, I brushed the feeling aside, thinking that it was just work pressures, which was building up due to the project deadline and such. This feeling of emptiness began to increase thus distracting me. I thought maybe the work stress was causing me to lose my mind, but it was probably unearthing something from my psyche. Later, when the work started wind down, the feeling was still there looming and gnawing at the back of my mind. I wondered how some people could feel content regardless of whether they are with someone or not, and sometimes I do envy them. I tried to use sheer will power to drive it away, but that didn't really work. And to top it off, a friend of mine started dating and was raving about the experience - you know the usual, food seems to taste better, looking forward to the day and just doing everyday stuff have taken a whole new meaning, etc. It was rather nauseating, but I don't blame him. I'm glad he'd found someone. Logically, I know that this was caused by the biochemical reactions leading to euphoria and temporary bliss. I also know that having a partner doesn't mean my life is necessarily going to be complete, yet a part of me still want to be with someone. I think I've rambled long enough, basically if you want to be with someone, you have to do something about it, which I'm finding out in a very slow way.
Author Ponzoli Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 Logically, I know that this was caused by the biochemical reactions leading to euphoria and temporary bliss. I also know that having a partner doesn't mean my life is necessarily going to be complete, yet a part of me still want to be with someone. I think I've rambled long enough, basically if you want to be with someone, you have to do something about it, which I'm finding out in a very slow way. I agree with your quote above 100%. There is nothing like the experience of being in a relationship. Having another person to share your interests, share themselves, and (at least in my case) listen to your crackpot opinions. Unlike yourself however, I can't use any sort of preoccupation with work or school as a valid excuse. Unfortunately my "dating drought" has mainly been the resulf of my general detachment from humanit along with my deepseated fear for and revulsion of rejection. Also the fact that I am quite ugly doesn't help much either. But stick in there man, I am sure you will find somebody soon since it seems that you have decided upon that course of action. Best of luck to you!
vathuum Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I thank you for your support Ponzoli. I also believe that you can find someone who wants to be with you as much as you do with her. Unless you're joking, please don't say that about yourself, I mean don't call yourself ugly. No matter how you look, it all starts with what you think about yourself. I know a lot of people say that, but it's important that you start having some level of respect for yourself. From the stories you've told us, I think you've already achieved quite a lot, so remember that. Even though they don't appear to be much or that you might believe them to be wasted opportunities, they are worthwhile learning processes. The experiences give you at least one important thing: you can attract women. I think I know how you feel, because when I hit a brick wall during my interactions with the opposite genders, I go through the rough times - the usual feelings of loneliness, vulnerability and having negative thoughts. I berate myself for not doing or saying the right things. I fear rejections as well, because to me they hurt a lot. There's also that strange disconnected feeling where the world seemed very distant, like an echo or shadow that flashes by like those time-lapse footages of the city - the sun rises and sets in few dozen heart beats, the lights of the cars zooming around and the clouds rolling by rapidly... at one of those moments, I knew what I didn't want - I don't want life to just rush by like that and I don't want to be alone. I don't want to alone when I hit 50. Now, I just have to find out what I want or rather who I want to be with... I thought up a few things that helped me along the way. These suggestions are for all those in the same position and bare in mind they do sound very obvious. Work with what you have: Seriously, if you can't be or don't want to be a super stud to begin with, then don't. Be reasonable with how you perceive yourself. If you're self-conscious and don't want to work out at the gym, that's fine, there are other alternatives: walk, jog, push ups, sit ups, chin ups and even jumping around - be consistent - all can be done on your own. The goal here is to feel healthy and be comfortable with yourself first. When it comes to interacting with others, there is a whole bunch of stuff - eye contacts, body language, tone, ect., but the basic thing is try to ask them questions, listen to the answers and then follow up in a relaxed manner. If you don't have a super exciting life-style or you perceive yourself as a dull person, don't worry, you don't exactly have to spell that out to them. Key word: mystery. As a matter a fact, I try not to completely tell them the straight answers. Sometimes I even stay vague. Obviously, this is done during casual moments. Smile as what the others have suggested. I'm honestly bad with this - I either come off as freakish, goofy or creepy. Believe it or not, you can practice this in front of the mirror to get the right smile, like a cheeky grin. If you're brave enough, you can be tactfully playful and you can do it without laying a single finger on her. To begin with, the idea is that you want them to feel comfortable around you and you can see that. Start small/step by step: Need to build your confidence? Lacking any social circles or friends to help you along? Not a problem, start casually talking to the counter girls when you shop. Sure they're there to sell stuff, so they have to be friendly, but that is something you've already expected. You're goal isn't about asking them out or even making a lasting impressions, it's about learning to approach people and it doesn’t even matter that you’re not attracted them. Expectations - for you: When I try to approach someone, I have a certain level of expectations of what I want out of the whole experience. If you have a reasonable expectation, then you won't feel disappointed (or at least minimise the negative impact), when things don't work out. However, it is easy at this point to slide into negativity, so stay consciously positive and... Practice, practice and practice: Rinse and repeat. Afraid that you might make a fool of yourself at a place that you frequent? Then go to another place that you rarely go to and practice. I'm not saying any of these things are easy and there aren't any guarantees, I'm still learning and there is a fair bit to go. I hope some of the suggestions will help in some ways and I welcome any sort of constructive input and additions. For those that think they’re the only ones feeling out of place, you’re not alone. Don’t give up and if you fall, you pull or drag yourself up. It’s time to stand up for your own life.
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