LoveEndures Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Here are the fact about my relationship with my married boyfriend of seven years: - We met at work, love at first sight.- Dated, movies, lunch, dinner, no sex for months.- Crazy about each other…together all the time- Tells me over and over he wants to marry me, very kind, loving. At one point says that we can’t get married because I’m in a different religion. I start studying his and actually find it to be something I agree with.- First few years, I found it a little odd that he didn’t hang out much during the weekends, but he always had a good excuse and we were always trying to cool our relationship because we felt guilty about sex (both religious, but different religions) and because he didn’t want to bring me around his sister (who me is the caretaker of) yet because she would ask about my religion and he didn’t want her to know he’s dating someone of a different religion.- Talk about cooling our relationship while I study religious matters so I can make a decision without him being involved (pre-marital sex, not approved from either of our viewpoints)- He bought a new house.- His best friend, whom just had a baby, moves in with him. She was going through a divorce and has no family.- His teenage sister whom he cares for moved in with him.- He is always stressed, but is still with me. Mostly lunch and breakfast, sometimes evening movies, etc.- Find out I get pregnant.- He talks me into an abortion, explains that a close relative involved him in some sort of crime (said relative was in prison) and that he is under investigation for involvement and therefore couldn’t give me money (at the time I couldn’t support myself and a baby). With much hesitation and hurt I do so. Causes major emotional and spiritual problems for both of us.- We continue dating for two more years, I don’t ask much about the investigation.- Finally, one day I start thinking that his behavior about abortion was likely not only about a criminal investigation.- Checked his email (he had previously given me the password, but I hadn’t looked because, well, we were in love and together all the time – why would I look).- Saw an email that indicated he is married! (we had already been together 4 years at this point)- Confronted him. He confessed- He said he was married 2.5 years before we met and separated from his wife after 9 months in.- He said he hadn’t had sex with her or anyone else two years before he met me, had instead stayed busy playing sports and being active religiously- He said that he wanted a divorce, but she wouldn’t give him one.- He said that she had some piece of information that she holds over his head and will cause him problems in previously noted investigation.- He said that 1.5 years into our relationship she moved into the house with him and had asked if they could try to work things out. He said he let her (but in separate bedrooms), but he couldn’t work things out with her. During this time, I remember he was always tense and sad, but yet very loving and affection. He said he made a small effort to work things out because he felt religiously he was obligated to try if she wanted to.- He says that they were young when they got married (him 25 and her 21) and that it was just the wrong decision. They hadn’t had sex prior to marriage. They were both in the same religion that doesn’t encourage dating around. He said at the time he just felt it was something he should do, wasn’t an emotional decision. Said he cared/cares for her, but was never in love with her like he is with me.- I tired to end it, but we couldn’t stop seeing each other.- Decide to continue relationship- He has met my family (he wanted to) and has become close with them (they live three states away) and we see them several times each year together.He spends holidays with me and has spent the day with me on his wedding anny date too.Since I found out that he was married, we spend even more time together.We travel (he works in an industry that allows inexpensive travel) nearly every other weekend.He usually spends two nights a week at my house, but not on consistant days, just randomlySince we live nearly to two hours apart (from his house to mine, but during the work week we are closer because our jobs are only 20 minutes apart). On weekends when we aren’t traveling, we don’t see each other much on Saturdays or Sundays. Sunday is busy for me with church (I know, hypocrisy, but I don’t actively participate, I’m there to learn and it’s sometimes my only thread of sanity). Saturdays when we aren’t together, he does laundry, mows the yard, does stuff for his sisters (3 of them) and Mom, etc. but calls or emails with me in between activities.I know all of his workmates, all of whom think I’m his wifeWe bought a house together (in the state where my parents live, everything is in my name) and constantly talk about house plans, kids and such.We talk nearly all day and in the evenings talk on his way home, up until he gets home. He goes to bed early because he works very early.When we aren’t talking, we are emailing or on IM.We are both success professionals, not that matters, but thought it would explain that money issues aren't involvedHe said she recently asked if she could move back into their house, but she is living in another part of the house and part time with her Mom. His sister and his best friend (plus her child) still live at his house too.I don’t ask a lot of questions, because he said he doesn’t want me involved with the “investigation” or her.We have occasionally had problems, she has seen my name in his email inbox (at a glance) and has questioned him (evidently she knows we are friends) and at one point she sent me an email asking me what is/was my relationship with her husband. She said nothing more. I didn’t reply and she never emailed me again.He apologizes for putting me in this situation, tells me he is working on making it change, but has to do so delicately because of something she holds over his head related to the investigation that will evidently wreak havoc in his life and several family members lives.I’ve checking to his life, other than the investigation. Looked up his family members, work history, etc. everything he has told me is true (although I have no information about this investigation).He knows I know where he lives and that I can easily contact anyone in his life.We are a known as a couple in my neighborhood; no one knows he is married.Only two of my close friends know about our situation.He opening talks about his family, work and everything in our lives (except for his situation with her).He makes a huge effort to communicate with me, to make sure we have a strong relationship, although most of the time conversation about progress with “the situation” is off limits.He constantly does things to try to make me happy “while we are waiting for the situation to be worked out” As I write, this, I think I’m such a jerk for not seeing everything sooner, but at the same time, I realize he is loves me and continues to make efforts to be with me and that most of his life is with me, but I’m so afraid it will never happen! It’s now been seven years! It will soon be 10 years that he has been married. They don’t have kids, she doesn’t work, and he supports her. I’m mostly posting this as a way to vent, as I’ve recently decided to tell him we need some time apart. Not because I don’t love him or want to be with him, but I’m tired of waiting and he needs to focus on ending things with her. This won’t surprise him, as we have talked for several years about spending time apart, but we always put it off because we have travel plans or there is a new movie we want to see or we want to do work on our house, etc. In some ways I’m confused, in some ways I’m broken-hearted and in some ways I’m mad at waiting all this time and keeping the situation from my family. But, in most ways (especially when I’m talking to him or with him) I know he loves me and is making efforts to be with me, but when we are apart (at night time) it hurts. I’m lonely. In some ways I feel bad that I can’t just be happy I have a man who loves me, who cares for me and makes every effort (within the confounds of the situation) to be with me and make me happy. If you choose to comment, PLEASE do not focus on the religious aspects of my story. I’m well aware that it’s messed up. I’m ashamed of it for religious reasons. I’m not trying to make excuses because I know technically our relationship is wrong, but most of the time; I don’t feel like he is married to someone else. I feel like it’s only me and him, until it comes time for him to go home to his house. Anyway, I’m sure this is riddled with typos and horrible grammar, but I’m so tired of the situation, so tired of thinking about it, I just want to scream I WANT IT FIXED!! I’M TIRED OF WAITING! I'm tired of hiding this from my family.
OWoman Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I don't blame you, LE, for reaching the end of your tether. It's been a long time. I think your MM does need to sort himself out. If he has a criminal investigation hanging over his head, he can either spend the rest of his life running and hiding, or he can face up to the consequences and deal with it, and move on. So long as he has secrets, and others know them, they'll have a hold over him and he'll never be able to settle. You need to do what's best for you. The stress of all this can't be good for you. Some time out might help you to think and to decide what's best for you right now. He also needs to think - if he cares for you he should consider the impact his behaviour is having on you.
Author LoveEndures Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thank you for the support OWoman. I know that was a crazy long post, so thank you for reading and responding. You are right, it's been extremely stressful. I truly don't know how I've lastest do long, mentally and physically. Even though I know what I've got to do, it's tearing me apart. Thank you again.
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I’m not trying to make excuses because I know technically our relationship is wrong, but most of the time; I don’t feel like he is married to someone else. I feel like it’s only me and him, until it comes time for him to go home to his house. But the thing is, he does have a wife, and she's very real. How long can you last? That is up to you...I know you love him and he is a big part of your life but until he chooses to DO something with his marriage, things are the way they are...Or, you can choose to change things by ending this with him and to go NC until he divorces. I don’t ask a lot of questions, because he said he doesn’t want me involved with the “investigation” or her. Could it be because he isn't actually telling you the 100% truth of the situation? I hate to sound cliche here, but the man is and has been lying to his wife for a long time, hasn't it crossed your mind that he has told you afew lies as well? Maybe not malciously, but definately to protect himself...And her. We have occasionally had problems, she has seen my name in his email inbox (at a glance) and has questioned him (evidently she knows we are friends) and at one point she sent me an email asking me what is/was my relationship with her husband. She said nothing more. I didn’t reply and she never emailed me again. He probably did some damage control, told her some lines/lies about who you were to him. That's the thing though, you really don't know what he's told her. You aren't around behind closed doors when he is with her at home.
Author LoveEndures Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply WhichWayIsUp. You def hit on some points that represent my worst fears with him. I'm aware of how he lied to her about me and it has very much made me question how honest he is with me, especially when you pile on top of that that he lied to me for four years about being married! You are right, in many ways my situation sounds clichéd...I suppose it is if he is lying, but I may never know if he doesn't end everything with her. It's going to hurt being without him, but at this point, it hurts more to be with him. No matter what he does to try to make time pass quickly, i'm hurt and lonely. It was very kind of you to say that perhaps his lies were "Maybe not maliciously" -- thank you for not being harsh with me. I'm so weak from dealing with this...thank you for your input and suggestions. I've been reading everyone else's stories all day...seeking encouragment and understanding, as I leave tomorrow evening for a trip with him and I would like to getting the NC started when we return. Thank you again for your encouragment and input.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I've been reading everyone else's stories all day...seeking encouragment and understanding, as I leave tomorrow evening for a trip with him and I would like to getting the NC started when we return. Thank you again for your encouragment and input. If you truly want to end the R, do not go on the trip...You will just be making it harder...
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 You and MM bought a house together? Is his name on the deed? If so, his WIFE also owns the house right along with him. Did he put himself on the mortgage? I'm doubting THAT very much as it sounds as though he'll need to cut and run when his wife finds out the extent of your relationship. He's married. You're the OW. Nothing more.
Highheels74 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 - He said that he wanted a divorce, but she wouldn’t give him one.- He said that she had some piece of information that she holds over his head and will cause him problems in previously noted investigation.. -Anyone can file for a divorce, tell him to do it. She doesn't have to "give" it to him. -Find out what this information is if you don't know already, he might have made it up. Work together on seeing how you can resolve this together or help him get himself out of it. Talk to a lawyer if you have to and help him get out of it...Good luck
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply WhichWayIsUp. You def hit on some points that represent my worst fears with him. I'm aware of how he lied to her about me and it has very much made me question how honest he is with me, especially when you pile on top of that that he lied to me for four years about being married! You are right, in many ways my situation sounds clichéd...I suppose it is if he is lying, but I may never know if he doesn't end everything with her. It's going to hurt being without him, but at this point, it hurts more to be with him. No matter what he does to try to make time pass quickly, i'm hurt and lonely. It was very kind of you to say that perhaps his lies were "Maybe not maliciously" -- thank you for not being harsh with me. I'm so weak from dealing with this...thank you for your input and suggestions. I've been reading everyone else's stories all day...seeking encouragment and understanding, as I leave tomorrow evening for a trip with him and I would like to getting the NC started when we return. Thank you again for your encouragment and input. You're welcome. Just tell him that you can't handle the lying, the sneaking around, the situation itself, and it's best for YOU to go NC so you can heal and become stronger again. The lies, they are selfish and self serving for himself - He isn't really thinking of the pain he's causing you, or his wife. He wants what he wants... Take care of you and get yourself back...Once you know what you want to do (as in continue to the be the OW, or end it, or go NC until he divorces) atleast then you'll have the strength to deal with all this stuff. You do deserve better and more, just unfortunately, I don't think you'll really ever get that from him.
torranceshipman Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Sweetie, I agree with HighHeels - he doesnt need to wait for the W to 'give' him a divorce...he can go sraightaway and file for it himself. I'd have a quick chat with a lawyer so they can give you the DL on it, then you'll understand how his W isnt holding him back. And the house...it's all in your name, right? So he has no ties to it, but gets you excited by talking about 'our house' a lot? It's not, it's in your name, mortgage paid by you...there is nothing tying him to the house you 'share'....and he's really done a job on you, banning talk of 'the investigation' and progress with 'the situation'...i.e. he can go on maintaining the status quo and you're too scared of upsetting him to ask when things will change. So you don't push him, and things....dont ever change. But he's happy and you're unhappy - that's no good for you! For whatever reason, I think he wants both of you, and doesnt want to ever leave his wife...you deserve SO much better...and as final comment - religion is obviously important to you, but I think he's used religion as an excuse to keep you apart. I think this man is beyond second chances - I'd try and find a way to end this and move on...and find a guy who can share weekends with you, will be straight up and honest, and do all that cool couple stuff with you, which I know you'd prefer to the bad deal you have now.
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