what do i do?

[brothermartin]

My girlfriend of 3 yrs. left me about 3 months ago. She said it was because of money problems I have. Her words were "You said you would change, but you didnt and I cant be with someone who dosent care enough to do more for themselves." The last year before the break-up was really rough. Every time I would make a mistake, like forget to pay a bill or catch some overdraft fees on my check account, she would completely lose it. When she wasnt crying she wouldnt talk to me or see me for days at a time. After a trip we had back in August, she asked to take a break from the relationship. I agreed, if for no reason other than to quell the drama that we had been experiencing. After that we exchanged some emails and txt. msgs., mostly arguments and misunderstandings. Before I knew what was happening, she dumped all my stuff at my door, and ended our relationsgip. Sinse that night, all communication with her has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, misinterpretations, ungly comments, and apologies. Despite all that (and advice from friends) I still love her, and I think I want her back. I dont the person she has been, I want the woman I fell in love with. Granted, she was right. I did say I would change certain things about my behavior and didnt. Im not perfect. I have issues. But dosent everyone? Now Im not sure what I should do. My life feels empty without her, but I dont know what she feels about me now, and Im afraid to ask her. What do I do?

[MattyTee]

Hey Martin,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. I recognise the thing about change in my own relationship, although it wasn't to do with finances. In fact the irony of the whole situation is I didn't see what really needed to change until she left me.

 

It's a hard thing sometimes to be in contact with someone you were so close to and be treated in a cold or angry manner. It can also be difficult if you see changes in that person that you never imagined could happen. It's going to be very hard on you if you hang on to wanting to be with the woman you fell in love with. Changes do happen and whether they are permanent or not you have to face the now and realise this is who she is now (believe me, I'm going through this now - having to deal with her starting to date after 4 weeks - 8 year relationship and we were engaged).

 

The best advice is something most people don't want to hear (I didn't!) and that is take some time out. Give yourself some time to heal and work on your problems. This is referred to as the no contact rule. Drop off the face of the Earth as they say. This will give her the time and space she needs, it will give you the time and space you need and it will also help in changing perspectives. I've been through this and done a lot of thinking and despite what my ex is doing now I still want to be with her. However, I can't make her love me or want to be with me. I told her how I feel - and then left the ball in her court. She knows where I am if she wants to get back in contact. If it turns out she's been dating etc. then I will re-assess where I am at and whether I still want to be with her.

 

So to summarise, step back and take some time for yourself. If you think she knows what you want then you can only wait. If you don't, perhaps find a way to tell her without being needy or pushy (I'm not sure everyone would agree with this bit).

 

With regards to getting her back. Although you can't make her do that - you can work on yourself and improve yourself so that if she is still interested she can see changes taking place.

 

I hope that helps a little.

[BrianG]

I am sorry to hear it as well, and I am going through a similar situation. However, I was give a second chance and still screwed it up. Sometimes you never know what you have until its gone! I completely agree with Matty Tee. I did not want to hear it at first either but no contact and space is the best thing for you right now. As your thoughts and emotions become clearer you will see what we are talking about.

 

You need this time for yourself and to learn from your mistakes so that they dont happen again, whether with this girl or one in the future (i know its hard to think that way, trust me I do) but use this time for you. You can only be in control of your thoughts and emotions, you cannot control hers, you may love her and want her back, but what does she want? I am still trying to answer that question as well. I know i dont have the answers because I am still trying to figure out my relationship problems as well, but no contact and time for yourself is the best way to go.

 

Best of luck