lovesick1 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Hey all. My relationship I feel right now is falling apart. The same girl I've been dating for 7 months now I feel like I don't want to be with any more. We took the plunge and had sex around the end of September. Since then, we had it 3 more times and I told her it was too much for me since she wasn't on birth control, and I couldn't even get off with a condom, even after an hour. So we stopped the sex for now. Latley I've been feeling different toward her.. I don't have that strong desire to see her like I always did before sex, I'm not upset when I have to take her home, if anything, I'm slightly relieved. And on top of that, the last 3 nights in a row, not including last night, I have had dreams about being with other girls. One is in my class, one that used to be in my class, and I was unknowingly in love with and miss terribly, and one who I've known since I was 3, but there was never any chemistry with her, in that order. The second girl, the one I can't get out of my head, has never stayed out my mind since she left in 9th grade. She just keeps popping back in and I had so much fun wiht her and miss her so much, but she doesn't know it. I talked to my dad about this for a long time and told him that I just wasn't ready to turn in the dating card after one serious relationship. he was very helpful and explained a lot. College is coming up, our school interests are way different, and she keeps pushing the subject of being together forever, which latley I LOATHE. I cannot stand her talking about staying with me forever because it scares the s**t out of me and I'm only 18; I don't want to have one serious relationship and give up the game. But at the same time, I'm absolutly terrified of of losing her. In the past week alone I've left her crying twice just trying to explain how my feelings are changing. I just don't want to hurt her which I feel inevitably I will do. However, last night was amazing. She came over and I've never felt so close to her in all my life. We just hugged tightly for hours and it felt amazing and right and perfect, like it was back before sex. So, I know I love her, I love her to death, but I don't feel I like her any more. She is getting to clingy and is constantly texting me and won't give me a break. I just want to go hang out with my buddies and go be idiots for once which I haven't done in so long and I miss so much. Today she sent me a text saying how what she was doing was boring and I should come by. She knew I wanted to hang out with some other friends today. So, I didn't respond and she sent me another along the same lines as the first. I told her I was kinda busy and left it at that. All she wants to do now is talk about how much she loves me and doesn't want to have any fun. Last night I tried to get her to go bowling with me but she said she just wanted to hang out at my place and watch a movie, which it seems is all we EVER do. Since I've dated her I haven't partied or anything becasue she's uber against that. I just miss having fun, miss going to/having parties, and goofing off. I want to lose her, but at the same time I can't let her go because shes way important to me. Should I just wait this out in hopes it goes away? Or should I go ahead and make the move. The longer I wait, the more it will hurt her to let her go. Please help, I'm so lost right now, and have no one to talk to..
Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I hate to tell you this, I really do, but love is so often just not enough. And that is the worst feeling in the world. I'm quite a bit older than you--36--and I can tell you that I absolutely loved my ex-husband the day I knew I had to divorce him. He was the best friend I'd ever had, but as much as we brought out the best in each other, we also brought out the worst. The worst part is you do love her, I know you do, but it sounds like your relationship wasn't ready for sex. I think it may be because you both thought sex would be AMAZING right away (and good sex takes time, not just because it was your first time, but it takes time to develop a good sexual relationship between any two people), and because you may suspect that she thinks that sex created an obligation between you two. If you want to keep her in your life, you have a lot of options. Become "just friends". Keep seeing her, but you both see other people too. Be together as a couple when you're both home from college, but free to date other people when you're not. All of these COULD work, but all would also involve a lot more complication and pain than letting her go. The bottom line is that even if you two do wind up together, you'll never really know what's so good about your relationship if you don't have experiences with other people. And I know all of this sucks, and I won't tell you it will get better right now, because you're entitled to feel just as hurt and confused as you want to about things.
Author lovesick1 Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Yeah, I don't think it was either. Which is sad, we both told each other we would wait until we're both ready, but how could either one of us be the judge of that? Especially given the circumstances of the moment... Do you think this emptyness I feel towards her will go away? She came over again today because she called me and said she wanted to drop by. I told her I kinda wanted a day to myself and she said she didn't have to come. But I didn't want to feel like a jerk and make her think something was wrong so I said she could come by. She ended up coming in and staying for about an hour, during that time we just watched some movie...again... She told me that if I ever needed to talk she was there for me, told me she loved me and left... What I found odd was when she told me she loved me I felt my heart just sink.. You know that feeling you get, because I felt I had to say I love you back out of obligation, which is becoming more and more the norm. And I did say I love you back, but I didn't want to.. AHHH! Why is she making this so hard!! She is giving me(unknowingly) a huge guilt trip by telling me stuff like this. I am about to go talk to one of my friends about this who has been dating some guy for nearly 2 years so I'll see what she has to say on the matter.
Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I can't tell you if your choice to have sex was right or wrong. 10 years from now, it might be one of your best memories. And if you're saying you love her just to be kind--don't! Eventually she'll find out, and she'll feel so cheap and stupid. It sounds like a lot of what bugging you is also just the "old married" quality of your relationship (just watching movies). You could try saying "I'm not going to be home, I'm going bowling. Why don't you meet us at (Bowling Alley Name)." If she doesn't show, ask her where she was next time you see her; that will let her know it was a sincere invitation. And no matter what, yes, the emptiness does end. Too many people---people much, much older than you included--think love is about feeling blissfully happy and over-the-moon about another person ALL the time. You should have those moments, but love is also just a solid friendship where you genuinely support each other. And, BTW, time apart is a good HEALTHY thing in ANY relationship. Only those who are somehow "incomplete" unto themselves need to have someone else around all the time. Enjoying your own company shows how healthy and mature you really are. Lots of guys your age would be so happy to be having sex, they wouldn't bother to think (or care) about what it's doing to their relationship, so good for you!
Author lovesick1 Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Thanks for the reply Kerewin! She left me a letter in my mailbox today after she left and sent me a txt about 3 hrs after she left saying to check it. When I first began to read it sounded like a break up letter and I thought it was over. But it wasn't, it was just a rather sappy letter about how today when I told her I loved her it just didn't sound sincere (not a big surprise) but how she would wait on me to come around, and wait to the end of time if she had to. So, pretty sappy, but a much appreciated letter:) I talked to my friend and she said she went through(and still goes through the same thing with her bf of two years.) Occasionally she feels like she wants to see other people but that passes because she realizes how awesome her boyfriend is and how perfect he is for HER. That is exactly how it is with me. I worry that if I ever did dump her I would never find anyone else like her on this earth and would regret it forever. So, I sent her a couple of texts saying that I just needed some time to branch out and to hang out with other people so we'll see what she has to say about that.(I'm not optimistic:() I think my buddy is coming over tonight. I told him we needed to hang out a little and do some guy stuff so hopefully he will. He is going through a lot of the same thing with his girlfriend of nearly 10 months now. Thanks again Kerewin, you've been most helpful
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