frannie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 ... I was thinking about the futility of relationships... Hey, don't talk like that, this is LOVE Shack, remember... ... such negativity!
OWoman Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well Bobby, whatever your original motivation, I'm glad you posted this thread because it's gotten lots of us thinking and responding, and reading the responses of others and it's a really cool thread . I think Lizzie's point about pride is an interesting one. The issue of dignity also came up on that other thread of mine (about begging a man not to leave / to come back) and while I'd like to think I'd be like Lizzie and just walk away, I can't say with absolute certainty how I'd react if that kind of thing did happen to me. I've not been "in love" before and so it's always been easy for me to do the dumping, to move on when I'm bored... but if I really loved someone, like some OW (and some BW) love their men... would I be able to shield my heart with my pride, or would I collapse into an embarrassing heap of emotion and want him to stay? having seen a colleague, so strong in her professional life, collapse like that on the phone to her WS, I certainly can't stand in judgment of women who do that. And I can't say it wouldn't be me, in a similar situation.
Lizzie60 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well Bobby, whatever your original motivation, I'm glad you posted this thread because it's gotten lots of us thinking and responding, and reading the responses of others and it's a really cool thread . I think Lizzie's point about pride is an interesting one. The issue of dignity also came up on that other thread of mine (about begging a man not to leave / to come back) and while I'd like to think I'd be like Lizzie and just walk away, I can't say with absolute certainty how I'd react if that kind of thing did happen to me. I've not been "in love" before and so it's always been easy for me to do the dumping, to move on when I'm bored... but if I really loved someone, like some OW (and some BW) love their men... would I be able to shield my heart with my pride, or would I collapse into an embarrassing heap of emotion and want him to stay? having seen a colleague, so strong in her professional life, collapse like that on the phone to her WS, I certainly can't stand in judgment of women who do that. And I can't say it wouldn't be me, in a similar situation. I agree with your POV... but I have to say that it is easier, in my case, because I am not young and insecure as I used to... I don't know if it's just me...but I find it easier to deal with this kind of stuff now that I am older... But, in my opinion, I can't force someone to love me... so if I have no control over the situation, I'm out of there.. The best way, though, is to be honest right from the start.. no commitment, just fun and sex.. it makes life soooo easier...
overandout Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 The best of both worlds for the mm is to have both his wife/family and the OW in his life. He gets the attention/affection that is missing from his marriage and he gets to stay and play happy families too, so he doesn't have to upset the status quo. Minimum effort from him and maximum fulfilment for him. If he wanted to be with you he would do it no matter the inconvenience. Most mm are not going to turn down the opportunity to continue an affair so long as it is convenient and probably leading the OW to believe that she MIGHT have a future with him but now is not the right time. This is what keeps most OW on the hook, unless they are like Lizzie and not looking for their mm to leave and are happy with it being a bit of fun. Trouble is that the affair is just a bit of fun for lots of mm, but the OW sometimes miss that point. The fact of it being a bit of fun can be seen in the mm disappearing to spend time with his family and giving the OW only a part of himself. Most mm do not want to have to work on their marriage when the OW makes it more tolerable to stay. Most mm aren't as unhappy at home as they say they are and want a no strings relationship on the side. Lots of mm are too selfish to give that up on their own initiative.
overandout Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I don't know. Are you trying to say that being a MM/OW couple isn't really something one would choose, while being H/W is something one enters into freely..? I did and didn't choose this situation. I certainly didn't know what I was letting myself in for, in any sense. For one thing he assured me that his relationship with his W was OVER and done with when we met. Ah... yes... well silly me though that meant that his marriage was over. Doesn't necessarily mean the same thing at all. You live and learn. Sorry to hear that he misled you a bit Frannie. However, by now I think I would realise that he isn't serious about ending his marriage.
silktricks Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 If you really truly love someone you want the best for them. If you are married to the person, and you really love them and want the best for them, and they say they want to leave, then you let them go as well.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 There's a saying that to love someone means to want what is best for the person whom you love. Even if it is not what you want, but if it's best for them, you should do it, or encourage them to do it. I went this way at the beginning of the year. I truly love my partner and I want him to be happy. So I broke it off, so that he could see what life would be like, without me in it. In the concept of OM/OW, where your whole relationship is based, sometimes, on the fact of the breaking up of an existing relationship of your MM/MW, what is your best course of action if your MM/MW genuinely says that he/she wants to make a go of their marriage and needs to get out of what you have with him/her ? My partner's heart is not in the M, perhaps it never was. If he ever told me he wanted to make a go of his M, I would graciously step back. But I would never continue a R with him during reconciliation. If you are an OM/OW in a relationship with a MM/MW, and they ask for a way out of the R so that they can devote time and try to improve the R with their SO, should you encourage it and let them go and hope to remain friends ? He has never asked for a way out of the R...If he did, I would simply disappear... Or fight for the promises that were made to you and pursue them regardless, hoping and trying to make sure they will not go back to the SO and will come back to you ? Or just wait in the sidelines, hoping and waiting for a miracle ? Or just dump them for feeling that way, and get on with your own life ? I am not a sideline-type of girl...I have high expectations and the reason I have been in this type of R so long is because he meets my expectations...It is not an A, it is a R...I see that he loves me, I see his actions backing up his words and I see him being a good partner to me...If any of these things were not true, we wouldn't be together...But it's both of us working on the R, that makes it successful... Should you do what's best for them ? Should you let them go ? And how would you actually do that ? What would be the steps ? I firmly believe that one should do what is best for THEM... The steps would be to figure out you're needs and whether they're being met...If they're not being met, you talk to your partner to see if you can compromise...If that doesn't help, you break up with them...
CallMeCrazy Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Bobby ~ I feel like I should not give any advice given my own complicated situation... However ~ I just wanted to say that I relate to the confusion, pain and hurt any relationship with a MP (married person... I think I just made this one up) brings. I know without question if my MM told me he was going to work on his relationship with his W I would let him go. It would be soooo hard ~ but I believe that everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason for your relationship to begin with, it was supposed to be and if they are supposed to be back with their spouse then something bigger and better is planned for you. Good luck...
mystic_pizza Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I've been reading a lot of posts on OM/OW forum, most of them unhappy and bitter, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes happy, but almost always wondering about what next ? Even if the person is happy, they wanna know what next, even if they are unhappy, they wanna know what's next. In the concept of OM/OW, where your whole relationship is based, sometimes, on the fact of the breaking up of an existing relationship of your MM/MW, what is your best course of action if your MM/MW genuinely says that he/she wants to make a go of their marriage and needs to get out of what you have with him/her ? Most of the advice would be to let them go. But what about the feelings of the OM/OW ? What do they want to do ? If you are an OM/OW in a relationship with a MM/MW, and they ask for a way out of the R so that they can devote time and try to improve the R with their SO, should you encourage it and let them go and hope to remain friends ? Should you do what's best for them ? Should you let them go ? And how would you actually do that ? What would be the steps ? Bobby As an ex-OW, having just gone through this situation, I would and have let him (MM) go. He never actually came out and said he wanted to work on his M, but his W found out and I felt there was no other choice (because I love him) other than to let him go. There was no longer any room for fence sitting, he had to make a choice. I removed myself so he could "clear" his head make that choice. He did say to me that he wanted me to put pressure on him to make a decision. I still didn't. It is not my place. He has to choose what is right for him without the pressure. He has to look within to find his own answers, I can't do it for him. I agree with the others when they say this is an interesting question. It is kind of like someone is contemplating what the fallout might be if they end a R with an OW/OM. Do you know someone in this sitution?
Author Bobby NoBrains Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks to everyone for posting in, so many replies Hurt & Alone, I understand what you're saying, which is why I asked this question, cause there's no fixed way of dealing with this. frannie, thanks, that was a wrong word I used there, I apologize OWoman, Lizzie, overandout, thanks for the different viewpoints. silktricks, GreenEyedlady, CallMeCrazy, mystic_pizza, you're all strong women who can take the call the way you would handle it. mystic_pizza, the question just came about generally from my reading the posts here on this forum over the last few weeks. So many people saying MM/MW wants to go away and is there nothing I can do ? So I was just wondering, what would one want to do in such a situation ? You know ? I think the difference that hits me here is that the people who are able to let it go peacefully are those who are happy with themselves and who are able to say that their own happiness doesn't depend on the presence of someone else in their lives. It's a very good and strong place to be. Even though I'm married and have a lot of problems inside my marriage, the fear of change, the fear of letting go of a relationship is quite daunting, and if there were no mitigating circumstances, I don't know if I could ever deal with a relationship breaking down like this, without breaking down myself. So kudos to the strong women, and courage to those not there yet. Bobby
PoshPrincess Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Great thread, Bobby! For me personally, I DO agree with the theory of 'if you love someone, set them free...' etc but for me putting it into practice was a whole lot harder. ExMM and I continued after DDay but he eventually said he couldn't handle messing up his kids lives and decided to end things. Our R had drifted anyway due to the little amount of time we got to spend together so I guess I hadn't really been his OW, as such, for a long time. It was the contact that I found the hardest to let go. I think this is because I knew he still loved me and that he wasn't actually working on his M, more like going through the motions.... Now I have heard things are no better for him but I at least know he is trying to 'do the right thing' (he said 'not necessarily the right thing, but the ONLY thing') and I DO respect him for that, despite the fact that it hurts. I have finally let go and truly hope that he CAN repair his M, if he is going to stay there, as I don't believe in people staying together if they're not happy and it would be a shame for both MM and his W to be wasting their lives, plus a huge waste for MM and me if he were still to love me. Who knows? All I know now is that after walking away with zero pride, I at least have finally accepted that we are not going to be together.
cheryl14 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I am the OW have been for 2 years and 2 months. I am madly and deeply in love with my MM he is the first real love of my life I have been married before but never felt what I feel for my MM.That said in response to your question I have told my MM on many occassions to try to make his marriage work and to go back to his W but every time we are apart a day a week what ever he comes back to me. Many times we have tried to break it off both of us crying but we always seem to end up back in each others arms. Now finally I really think hew is going to move forward. He has been living in his own apartment for 1 year now and is now seriously talking about dicorce his W is devastated and he has huge guilt over leaving but he feels now that he just cant live without me and I cant live with being the OW anylonger for my sake or his W. I also feel guilt about the whole situation but I know that if I t wasnt me he would have eventually met someone else because he was truly not happy on his marriage. He still cares about his W and hates hurting her but she was not giving him what he needed or deserved. He was a wonderful husband and is an amazing father he does housework takes care of his 2 girls is active in PTA and helps his W with whatever she needs still even since he's been out of the house. Wow I'm rambling sorry.
RamChops Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 My 2 cents to MW have regularly been that she SHOULD work on her marriage, especially if she never plans to leave it to be with me ... most of the OW/OM stories I have read on LS do not have happy endings, which has also helped prepare me for the worst, and with no happy end in sight it is only logical that she makes the best she can out of her primary R, sad and heart-breaking though that would be for me. We are just too addicted to each other to let go without a struggle though ...
reboot Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 If it's that addicting why doesn't she leave him?
HeartBrokenInNY Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Bobby, I am not one of those OW who can say successfully that they walked out or anything. I am still in the situation. As an OW for 3 years now, I find it extremely difficult to just walk out. At times I feel strong about it, at times I feel weak and shameful. It just hurts so much. I realize there is nothing you can do to make the MW want to be with you if he wants to work on his M or kids...but I keep replaying the past 3 years... what could I have done differently, what can I still do differently that would make him want to choose me? I knew going into it that he was M, and it wasn't something that "just happened." We were very close friends for years, and we've always been there for support of the other one. I'm kind of in this predicament now, and I myself don't know what to do. Should I let him go? (There doesn't seem to be much of a choice lol). Sometimes I feel strong enough to think that I would walk away and get on with my own life, sometimes I feel like I am utterly lost without hearing his voice or seeing him. So far it's been a combination of both, with me still waiting in the sidelines and hoping something would change (maybe his W wants out, maybe he wants our of the M, maybe maybe maybe... but it doesn't seem to be happening either). Being the OW is hard. I don't like to think of myself as the OW, in my messed up head it's the W who is the OW (sad I know. I am still trying to wake up and accept that it's over...maybe...i don't know). In my head I know the truth and at times when the truth hits, it a sad sad sad desolate place to be. Being the OW, or at least me, I have closed my heart to other possibilities, not by choice, but it's that i DONT KNOW HOW to open myself up to anyone when everyone I meet cannot compare to the MM. I don't know HOW to go about meeting anyone else or giving anyone else a chance. I spend weekends and holidays, i spend every night alone reliving and hoping for the next time we see each other, get to hold each other again. And time and time again i get disappointed when it doesn't happen. And when I can't see him or when I don't hear from him, i think to myself....is he thinking of me as i am thinking of him AT THIS SECOND? Is he missing me like I am missing him? At times I can con my brain into thinking that maybe he is giving me a fleeting thought and it makes my heart settle down a little. BUt then the realization that it's just something so simple that I long for which can make me happy instead makes me sad. I spend night after night wishing i could be HER, thinking if it we were really and truly together, we would be home together, me with a glass of wine, him with a beer, watching tv and talking about the day's events before we ended the night by going to bed, making love then with falling asleep in each other's arms. Then sometimes reality hits and i realize that... most of the time i am sitting here alone, while he's home maybe doing the same thing as i had envisioned us doing.... except the person with whom he is doing this with is his WIFE and not me. Even if he's not doing the same thing, at least they are together. Shame on me for not moving on... but the problem is...i DONT KNOW HOW.... (*insert tears*)
White Flower Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 If it's that addicting why doesn't she leave him? I am curious too, reboot, she is only married 5 years and has no kids. What is keeping her in an unhappy marriage?
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