Should you let them go ?

October 13, 2007

I've been reading a lot of posts on OM/OW forum, most of them unhappy and bitter, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes happy, but almost always wondering about what next ? Even if the person is happy, they wanna know what next, even if they are unhappy, they wanna know what's next.

There's a saying that to love someone means to want what is best for the person whom you love. Even if it is not what you want, but if it's best for them, you should do it, or encourage them to do it. In the concept of OM/OW, where your whole relationship is based, sometimes, on the fact of the breaking up of an existing relationship of your MM/MW, what is your best course of action if your MM/MW genuinely says that he/she wants to make a go of their marriage and needs to get out of what you have with him/her ? Most of the advice would be to let them go. But what about the feelings of the OM/OW ? What do they want to do ?

If you are an OM/OW in a relationship with a MM/MW, and they ask for a way out of the R so that they can devote time and try to improve the R with their SO, should you encourage it and let them go and hope to remain friends ? Or fight for the promises that were made to you and pursue them regardless, hoping and trying to make sure they will not go back to the SO and will come back to you ? Or just wait in the sidelines, hoping and waiting for a miracle ? Or just dump them for feeling that way, and get on with your own life ?

Should you do what's best for them ? Should you let them go ? And how would you actually do that ? What would be the steps ?

Please no flames, I'm looking at responses from people who are actually affected by this situation, not simply those who wanna moralize on this topic.

Bobby

October 13, 2007

Hi Bobby, you have been kind enough to respond to my posts - so I'll respond to yours. My situation is a little extreme - but even so I feel I fell in love with somebody - and I think that if you love somebody you have to set them free and let them go. Ironically its one of the things that has given me some strength in not contacting the guy I was seeing, he has evidently made his choice - and its not me. I'll try to get on with my own life, and hopefully it will become easier with time. No point in trying to stay friends, when deep down you know you want it to become more again.

October 13, 2007

Ty, imstunned. Though I know myself that if one person wants out of a relationship, there's really nothing that can be done, I'm just trying to get alternate viewpoints because I was wondering how a person in an OM/OW situation would react. It really seems to be a hard life being an OM/OW

I almost deleted my post three times already, hoping I wouldn't get flamed for asking an obvious question or being told that I'm trolling for a controversy. Ofc, thanks to you, now this post will see the light of day, except for the grace of a moderator or God

Bobby

October 13, 2007

This is a really tough one. I'm an OW but not quite in the situation you describe. If my MM said he wanted to make a go of his M, I'd back off - it's something I've offered and suggested several times, but he's adamant he wants to be with me, not with his W.

But on a more general level - as you say, if one of the two people involved in a R want out, is there a point in pursuing it? That's true for any R, but the complicating factor in a OW situation is that there are 2 Rs and 3 people, and it overlaps. If the MM is clear he wants out, that's one thing, but I think many - perhaps most - MMs are not so clear. They're ambivalent, don't want to lose either really, and so are ambiguous with their OW when they say they want to work on their M in a way that leaves hope behind. This may be deliberate on their part - an insurance policy for if the M doesn't work out, that they can just pick things up with the OW and carry on - or it may be because they're trying to be kind about ending it, not wanting to dump someone they love so cruelly - not realising that false hope is more cruel in the long run than honesty.

It's easy to talk about these situations in absolutes, but each R is different, and I don't think a 1 size fits all solution works in this kind of set up.

October 13, 2007

"If you love someone, set them free, if they return, they are yours, it was meant to be"....or something along those lines. I loved the MM in my situation, he wanted to leave his wife and be with me, then he didn't, then he did....I see no point in pursuing something, that likely will never be And that is one of the many reasons I chose to let him go.

October 13, 2007

Hi Bobby...I don't really think the OW is often in a situation where the MM comes and says "Gee, I think I'd like to make it work with my W"....from what I've read and seen its usually only after they get caught that they are forced to make a decision or when the OW realizes he's abandoned her or when there has been NC imposed by the OW..... I'm not really sure the MM ever "comes back to you" in the sense that he is "all yours" and/or that many OW even want that! ....I think MM have just found ways to have both most of the time and hope and pray the two worlds don't collide so they don't have to make a choice! Inevitably, I do believe most OW know the choice would not be them! But we also know that many MM will find a way back after a D-day, etc. if we are willing to let them back in!

My views on letting go are that the MM/OW relationship is, at least in this situation, no different than any other situations.....when both parties are not getting what they need and want out of the relationship or that relationship is no longer making them happy then you should definitely let go...you will be the one hurt by holding on and trying to manipulate someone to love you! Wait in the sidelines?? I don't think ANYONE should ever do that. People make choices.....you want to be with me or your want to be with someone else. I don't think its fair to expect that anyone would be "put on hold" ...that really would be buying into the theory that the OW was disposable and that they meant nothing more than "a fling"...I don't believe many MM see their OW that way. I think there are genuine feelings and strong emotions in a lot of these relationships and even love. I don't think anyone deserves to be "put on hold" and no one should stay waiting - get on with your life!!!

You question "Should you do what's best for them...?" - really, I think we should always try to do what's best for ourselves. Everyone really only has one person they can control and be accountable for and that is their selves! How I respond to and handle a situation is what I control, not how someone else does. I can't make someone WANT to be with me and I can't make someone love me.....And, if in any relationship both parties were not in a place where their was mutual love and respect, they need to wish each other the best and move on!

October 13, 2007

In the concept of OM/OW, where your whole relationship is based, sometimes, on the fact of the breaking up of an existing relationship of your MM/MW, what is your best course of action if your MM/MW genuinely says that he/she wants to make a go of their marriage and needs to get out of what you have with him/her ? Most of the advice would be to let them go. But what about the feelings of the OM/OW ? What do they want to do ?

If you are an OM/OW in a relationship with a MM/MW, and they ask for a way out of the R so that they can devote time and try to improve the R with their SO, should you encourage it and let them go and hope to remain friends ? Or fight for the promises that were made to you and pursue them regardless, hoping and trying to make sure they will not go back to the SO and will come back to you ? Or just wait in the sidelines, hoping and waiting for a miracle ? Or just dump them for feeling that way, and get on with your own life ?

Bobby, I'm responding only to the MM/OW situation, as it is more familiar to me (I've been there) and I can't relate the MW/OM scenario (I haven't)... The MM isn't in a position to make any promises. He has already made binding vows to someone else. It's not the OW's call. And unfortunately, in the MM/OW situation he is the one calling the shots in where the relationship goes. The balance in the relationship is all in his favor. It's a bad deal for the OW, all the way around.

I think we should always try to do what's best for ourselves. Everyone really only has one person they can control and be accountable for and that is their selves! How I respond to and handle a situation is what I control, not how someone else does.

Katanya you are so right!! IMO this is what sets us free.

October 13, 2007

OWoman, thanks, that's just why I asked this question. I was just thinking off late after reading all the criticism posts that really it's such a tough thing to be an OW/OM.

xsianx, I see what you're saying, no point in holding on really, yes.

KATANYA, I think what you're saying is that you would let him go because it would be something good for you and not for him, which is such an empowering statement. I appreciate the insight that you're offering.

OpenBook, I so agree with you that it's a bad deal for the OW/OM however you look at it ... It's just sad that someone would fall in love with someone else who is married or attached.

I used to think all such folks were evil, etc., but coming to LS has really opened my eyes to the pain and the strength of being an OW/OM, at least in the genuine cases.

Bobby

October 13, 2007

the complicating factor in a OW situation is that there are 2 Rs and 3 people

Unfortunately, there are usually more than just 3 people involved....

October 13, 2007

OpenBook, I so agree with you that it's a bad deal for the OW/OM however you look at it ... It's just sad that someone would fall in love with someone else who is married or attached.

Sad?? Yeah, maybe. Definitely a dangerous gamble for the OW. But love is a very strange and powerful force. I cannot help it that I am in love with someone who is vowed to another. What I CAN help, however, is my own behavior - my conscious choice NOT to put myself into that situation to begin with. And to combat the sadness that I cannot be with him, by milking EVERY LAST BREATH out of every other pleasurable moment I get in my life.

Of course, I'm only speaking for myself here.

October 13, 2007

If you are an OM/OW in a relationship with a MM/MW, and they ask for a way out of the R so that they can devote time and try to improve the R with their SO, should you encourage it and let them go and hope to remain friends ? Or fight for the promises that were made to you and pursue them regardless, hoping and trying to make sure they will not go back to the SO and will come back to you ? Or just wait in the sidelines, hoping and waiting for a miracle ? Or just dump them for feeling that way, and get on with your own life ?

Should you do what's best for them ? Should you let them go ? And how would you actually do that ? What would be the steps ?

If my MM told me he really needed to work on his M, I would have no hesitation in saying, good for you, I think that's a really fantastic idea. And I actually hope it works out. Because frankly, that would be the best thing for everyone, me included I think...

I actually have said this to him on more than one occasion in the past six months. However, he has no intentions of working on anything with her. Whatever, I still insist that if he really does intend to leave at some point, that attempting to reconcile with her would be his best bet. That way there would be no regrets, no guilt (on his part or mine), etc. etc. And it gives his W a fair crack of the whip, which I feel he's not doing at all. Well, not only that, but I actually believe that if they both made an effort they could salvage things, which would surely be best all round..?

Besides that, he actually did say that to me within a few months of us meeting... he realised his kids came first, and he had to end what we had to see if things could be worked on at home. That sprang from my telling him exactly what I've put in my last paragraph. Well, he did try somewhat at that point, and yes I left him alone to try. He also (he tells me recently) made some effort when we had our NC last summer (news to me but I suppose not unexpected).

And... what else can you do anyway, as the OP..? You can't force someone to be with you... use any kind of wedge or real manipulation. There is no 'shared history' (well... actually there's three and a half years but ), no family ties, no financial ties, no obligation, no promises (at least not in my case)... there's nothing you have to tie them to you other than what you share as individuals. So... if he wants out, that's basically the end of it.

October 13, 2007

My situation is one where my MM has been seperated for 5.5 yrs - there was an affair, a 2-yr common-law g/f, and then me. During the course of our relationship he felt that he needed to put his family back together for the kids sake. For six months he has been trying to figure out what to do. Sept 13 was the last time I saw and spoke to him. It was just a matter of time before he moved back to the marital home. We went N/C.

I love him more than anything but with that I also understand that he needs to figure things out on his own without me being a distraction. I love him enough to say 'do what you need' to so that he can find peace in his own life. I know that I have done nothing wrong, that he loves me, but that until he figures it out he will never truly be mine.

I struggled with 'letting go' until I realized that there were 2 facets of it. I needed for my own sanity to let go of the past relationship but I didn't need to let go of the love and feelings. I take it 'on day at a time'.

I had lunch with him yesterday and learned that he hasn't moved back and probably won't BUT he still needs the TIME to figure it out.

If you love him, let him to do what he needs to.

The steps I took were:

1. before you go N/C talk about things, let him know how you are feeling.

2. let him know you love him.

3. encourage him to figure things out

4. look after yourself and do some of your own soul searching

5. don't stop living your life (or reclaim living your life)

6. don't push him as to when he will have things figured out

October 13, 2007

Thanks for pitching in ...

reboot, very true, there's kids and families often involved.

OpenBook, frannie, passionateconfusion, you all bring out what I said above that there's a lot of strength needed to be an OW/OM and your posts bear me out. Being alone yet being able to love someone enough to let them go, that's huge strength, imho. There will always be exceptions to the rule just as there are for any group, but on the whole most OM/OW here are strong, independant people. I think there's a huge difference between being a woman/man in a loving relationship with a married person and someone who is out to seduce a married / attached person with the intention of breaking up a family for fun. Most people don't really see this side of it, which is why the general perception is often so harsh.

Would I be correct to say that most OM/OW seem to be caught up in circumstances rather than just choice, which is what otherwise "normal" couples have but they still make a hash of it ?

Bobby

October 13, 2007

Would I be correct to say that most OM/OW seem to be caught up in circumstances rather than just choice, which is what otherwise "normal" couples have but they still make a hash of it ?

It's both circumstances and choice. Our choices are our response to the circumstances. We're not really "caught up" in anything. Well, maybe not at first...

Bobby I'm not sure where you're headed with all your questions. What is it that you are looking for??

October 13, 2007

Would I be correct to say that most OM/OW seem to be caught up in circumstances rather than just choice, which is what otherwise "normal" couples have but they still make a hash of it ?

I don't know. Are you trying to say that being a MM/OW couple isn't really something one would choose, while being H/W is something one enters into freely..?

I did and didn't choose this situation. I certainly didn't know what I was letting myself in for, in any sense. For one thing he assured me that his relationship with his W was OVER and done with when we met. Ah... yes... well silly me though that meant that his marriage was over.

Doesn't necessarily mean the same thing at all.

You live and learn.

October 13, 2007

Bobby I'm not sure where you're headed with all your questions. What is it that you are looking for??

I was feeling very sad about all the stories of OM/OW that I read off late. I was wondering about things such as, here I have my own hassles in my marriage and we chose to bring them where we are. I'm sure my W and I could have done more to better the situation but we let it get to where it has. And here there seem to be so many people caught up in the whirlpools of romantic relationships out of circumstance (sometimes) or out of choice, which seem to be going nowhere fast and I was just trying to understand what OM/OW would do if it didn't work out.

Tbh, I was in two minds whether to put this post up, and I almost deleted it three times, then imstunned answered and then I couldn't delete it, hehe. Please don't think this is a troll, I think I am just trying to commiserate with OM/OW and thinking about my own "happy" situation, sigh. Just saying that relationships are never easy, and some are harder than others.

Bobby

October 13, 2007

Should you do what's best for them ?

Of course I want what's best for him... because I know he wants what's best for me.