I am shocked

[Integra]

I don't know where else to direct my anger. Forgive me if I don't make any sense right now.. I am bawling.

 

Yes. I do want her to hurt. I do want her to feel the pain I've been through. And if I can inflict it.. all the better.

She shows no remorse for anything. If she showed an ounce, maybe, MAYBE things wouldn't be so hard.

But in all honesty, she thinks it is hilarious. She's laughed at me when I've tried to express my feelings.

We did try to all be friends after all of this. I tried SO SO SO HARD. I wanted to accept everything that had happened, forgive and move on.. for the sake of the kids...

 

But I can't stop hurting. I'd rather be beaten to death with a baseball bat then feel this pain.

 

Oh Shattered.. This pain... This gut

wrenching pain you have. All of us

who have been cheated on know

this pain all too well.. It's a pain that

hurts us more than words can express

at times. I've felt it myself.. I want to

tell you something.. I know how bad

you want the OW to hurt.. And many

of us would have rather have many or

things in our lives than this..

 

The harsh reality is.. You can't

make her feel your pain.. You just

can't.. I know you want to.. I'm willing

to bet almost every BS on this forum

at one point or another wanted the OP

to hurt as much as they have.. But

it just can't be done..

 

Another sad fact. Most OW really don't

have any remorse for the situation. The

fact is most OPs really feel very little

toward the BS.. Most feel that they weren't

the one's who broke the marriage vows,

therefore they owe you, well, nothing.

 

If she thinks it's hilarious well, she's

either a real immature b^&(h who

really wouldn't care either way. Or

she is trying to drive you crazy.. And

well, she is..

 

I'm impressed that you tried to be

friends after all of this.. But, nahh,

that really probably isn't possible..

Sorry. I know it would make things

easier, but this sh*t really is never

easy.

 

You and your H, really ( can

not emphasize this enough)

need to look at MC. And in the

long run you all may need some

family counseling in order to work

you way through this..

 

 

[KATANYA]

Shattered...I can feel how much you are hurting. We can all see that in each post. The anger is so understandable and the pain must be unbearable! You are trying to take the high road through hell.....I really don't know anyone that would have even tried to do this!

 

I really do understand how you feel about starting over and the fear of that. I've been there with two small children and I know how hard it is. But, believe me, it gets easier and, without a word of a lie, starting over and making a life for you and your son would not be nearly as difficult as what you are trying to live through! I also understand that you love your husband and want your marriage to work - probably the most amazing and courageous thing I've read here given the circumstances! I am hoping you can find a way with H to make that happen - and that will be almost entirely up to him since you have already gone more than half way to try to do this!

 

I don't know who and what you have for supports and I know you have said counselling did not work but you need to find someone to talk to that can help you get through this. Your H has got to play the lead role in all this in order for you to be able to step back and set up your own boundaries. You may be able to find a way to forgive your H for his A over time and your M may become stronger for it but I cannot see how you and he will ever be able to have the OW or the OC (at least not right now) as part of your lives without the hurt and pain continuing to tear you apart.

 

My whole heart breaks for you.......a million hugs! I wish I knew an answer but please keep posting - so many people here really care and are trying to help!

[Integra]

I really want my marriage to last. I want it to work more than anything. I really don't know any other way. I've been with my H since highschool. I'm almost 30 now. I don't know if I can start over if my M does end. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if I can take my son away from his dad again. (not take away as in never see him again.. but the whole divorce with visitation thing)

 

I don't want anyone else in the world. I want my husband... and I certianly don't want to be alone.

 

It feels like though...... like I have to share him with her. Does that make sense?

 

 

Shattered, I'm going to tell you something

my mother said to me, when I told her

about my H's A. She told me," IF YOU STAY.

IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU'VE

EVER DONE..and IF YOU LEAVE, IT WILL BE

THE HARDEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE"..

And she wasn't lying.. These a extremely

difficult situations to get through.

 

But, you can not let fear of the

unknown, fear of being alone,

and fear of starting over make

this decision for you.. I understand

that fear.. I was separated from my

H for a year (3yrs before his A.. That's

how I know about separation resentment).

It's scarier than hell.. And from what I'm

getting, you've never been on in

your own.. That is some scary sh*t...

But, honey, if that fear is one of the

main reasons why you are fighting so

hard to hang on, I'm not sure you

will ever be able to be happy w/ your

H and everything that now comes w/him.

 

You have a lot on your plate.. And

nope, you didn't want it, need it,

ask for, Hell, let's be honest, Just

like the rest of us.. You didn't get

any say in it..But it is now yours.

You have so much to deal with.

Even if your H won't go to MC with

you.. I strongly suggest you get

yourself into IC.. Truthfully, piss on

him if he doesn't think it will do any

good. At this point, that IC would be

for you, and your well-being.. Hell,

your sanity.. You need someone to

talk to and help you work through

all of this..

[shatteredbrokenheart]

thank you so much. i know counselling will help. I do have friends that have helped me out. But it really is getting to the point to where they just don't know what to do anymore. I suppose that's why I look for forums like these to learn coping through other's experiences. It's really hard to give advice on something you've never experienced. However, support is all I really need.

I would love a direction on where to go from here. But I know that I have to decide that myself. I have to decide what I am willing to sacrifice, what pain I am willing to endure to make this work. I have to figure out if it's worth it. My heart is split both ways though... half of me tells me to pick up and leave, the other tells me to stay and work through it.

 

Again, thank you for reading and replying. Even though most of my reality and truths hurt... I need to hear it. I don't think of myself as in denial... I think of myself looking for options.

 

I know I have endured a lot already. and I also know this is just the beginning, I am just terrified.

[wizer]

However, support is all I really need.

 

You need a lot more than support. That statment in of itself demonstrates your level of denial.

[bestadvisor]

 

Again, thank you for reading and replying. Even though most of my reality and truths hurt... I need to hear it. I don't think of myself as in denial... I think of myself looking for options.

 

I know I have endured a lot already. and I also know this is just the beginning, I am just terrified.

 

You have to be honest with yourself first before moving any further. Speaking of denial, do you truly believe that your husband did it with her only once and never go back for more?

 

Now you know that they had sex before, do you completely trust your husband to be alone with her at her place and completely sure that nothing will happen? (I am sure this will occur during the upcoming weeks, months, years, when he has to visit or pick him up at her place).

 

How remorse is your husband? I am not talking about him being sorry for getting caught, for getting another woman pregnant, for paying child support, etc., but how remorse is he for breaking your heart, for putting you through this and what has he done for YOU to make up for what he did?

 

If he was able to do it (at least) once, what has changed now that he won't do it again with her or another woman and be smart about it by using protection?

 

I am not suggesting anything since I don't know all the facts; I am merely asking questions.

[mopar crazy]

I hope you don't think I was bashing you, I wasn't. The poster that posted to your thread first just hit a nerve what she said. She was blaming you for not meeting your H's needs hence why he had an A. Since this OW knew your H was M she is partly to blame for the A also.

 

TBH, you are a MUCH stronger person that I ever could be dealing w/ this. If my H got the xOW pregnant I would have not stayed w/ him, I couldn't deal w/ that. The A child is innocent but having to deal w/ the xOW b/c they share a child together would not work out for me.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. All the things you say about wanting the OW to hurt like you is normal.

 

I hope soon that this all can cool down and things get handled properly for all.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

You need a lot more than support. That statment in of itself demonstrates your level of denial.

 

 

Why do you insist? Leave me alone.

[Ladyjane14]

Try typing into your browser, "pregnant with a lover's child, marriagebuilders". There are a couple of articles there for you to read which might help you.

 

This is the same site where I told you earlier that they offer a Pregnancy/Child forum. I would also recommend to you that you read through the Basic Concept section in it's entirety, with special attention paid to Love Busters, since you've said that you and your husband have been having fairly frequent dust-ups. It'll teach you how to fight fair.

 

And I do believe you need to fight for yourself. You don't have to be a bitch about it, but you've got to put some boundaries on what you can really live with. If you don't, you're never going to be satisfied within the marriage.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

thank you for the link to the site. I am checking it out. Skimming through it looks like there may be some very useful information...

 

MOPARCRAZY - I didn't mean to imply that everyone who has answered this thread is bashing me. Just some. Some are very blunt and to the point, which is something I need to hear, but others are just down right hateful.

 

BESTADVISOR - yes, I truly believe they were only together once. My husband was so full of regret. He told me himself. I didn't just find out. When I got home he confessed to me that he had, had a one night stand. That things had gotten out of control. The mere fact that he told me the day after it had happened showed me he was sincere. My husband isn't one for keeping things. Never has been. And when she called a month later... (approximately) to tell him she was pregnant. He hadn't known for more than 2 minutes before he told me. He was devastated... I of course, blew up and sped away in my truck. Once I calmed down and came home, we started discussing what to do next. First thing was first though.. DNA testing. But sadly, there was really no doubt it was his. I did the calculations over and over and over again from the 18th of November... That baby was due on my birthday.. of all times... and when she came back from the doctor.. her EDD was... infact on my birthday.. I knew it was his. Just that gut feeling..

 

I know there is a lot of changes that MUST be made if this marriage is going to work... I just don't know where to start anymore. I guess, if my husband really loves me as much as I love him... he'll go to counselling with me. End of story. If not, then I might as well cut my losses and take my son and run like hell.

[KATANYA]

I know there is a lot of changes that MUST be made if this marriage is going to work... I just don't know where to start anymore. I guess, if my husband really loves me as much as I love him... he'll go to counselling with me. End of story. If not, then I might as well cut my losses and take my son and run like hell.

 

Shattered..these are the first words I've seen you write that sound like you are taking some control. Under all the hurt and pain there is a great deal of strength in all of us - sometimes that strength comes out just when we feel the weakest, most vulnerable and lost.......keep moving forward, keep building on your thoughts in this post and make your plan - take control over what you can control - Yourself!

[mopar crazy]

MOPARCRAZY - I didn't mean to imply that everyone who has answered this thread is bashing me. Just some. Some are very blunt and to the point, which is something I need to hear, but others are just down right hateful.

 

 

Yep, some posters can be so harsh and they use the excuse "It's a public forum, I can say what I want" BS. If ppl can't say something nice to someone who is hurting so much like yourself they need to STF off your thread, simple as that.

I'm sorry someone said something to hurt or anger you.

 

I know you are angry, and I know you want to hurt the OW but believe me, that will get you no where. I also wanted to hurt the OW, but I thought too much of my kids. They needed their mother and sitting my ass in jail was not worth hurting that bitch.