I am shocked

[OpenBook]

real quick, what is BS.. BTDT , and a few others?

 

BS=Betrayed Spouse.

BTDT=Been There, Done That.

 

Go to the top of this page, in the red menu bar there's a link to "FAQ" -- scroll down to the question about commonly-used acronyms, there's a list of them explained.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

we have discussed getting full custody. I think that we may have a pretty good chance of winning too. She is unstable as far as employment goes. In fact just today when H went to get her the CS he was told that she didn't come in today. So I figure she lost that job too. H hasn't been to much counselling. He doesn't think its worth the time or money.

Yes we have a lawyer and hs is supposedly doing everything he knows to help us.

Where I live.. in New Mexico... childsupport for a single child runs between 3 and 6 hundred a month. I am a SAHM. there is no reason why the baby couldn't stay here if she got and held a job. But she refuses. on top of that. this poor baby boy is ALWAYS sick. Through his 1 year 2 month life he has been on some kind of medication. And its for stupid things. Fortunately H has an awesome health plan and insurance pays for all of it. But i decided to figure it up last night. Emergency and normal visits to the doctor have costed his insurance company OVER 5000 dollars. Over all he is a healthy baby though. But if he does so much as tugs at an ear ONCE its to the emergancy room she takes him. Its crap. He is on OTC medication too. Triaminic, benydryl, robetussin, you name it, she has had him on it. All that does is destroy the immune system.. Yes I have told her this, but she looks at me like I am retarded.

 

 

Anymore questions? I am sure I've missed a bunch... but I am really trying to make this situation more clear for everyone.

 

SBH, please don't think what I'm saying is "slamming" you in anyway. I think you're dealing with an immense amount of betrayal and you're doing it with the most amount of compassion that one can have in a situation like yours.

 

What saddens me the most is you say yourself that "he" which I take to be your husband cannot stand to be around the little boy for more than a few hours. And you're both going to go for custody?

 

Yes, the OW may not be able to hold down a job, but that, IMO, does not make her a bad mother. Custody of the child will not extricate OW from your lives, because of this little boy, OW will always be in your life, so the only solution I can see which is best for the child is one whereby the adults figure out a commonplace attitude as to how you're all going to deal with situation.

 

I'm guessing (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that the fact your H does not comply with some boundaries you set for the OW is like another betrayal, again and again and again. This is your first point of call. Your H needs to respect the boundaries and be able to give YOU what YOU need should he want to make your M work as much as you do.

 

In some respects, the OW is figurative in this situation, the more you and your H are united, the more she is put on the backburner.

 

What is the BEST solution you can think of in reality where both H and OW have a part in the childs life?

[KATANYA]

In reading your posts again I also am wondering where your H is in all this.....have you two dealt with the issues of his betrayal? He won't go to counselling which, to me is a huge sign that he is not dealing with anything right now! And, with GREAT A

[KATANYA]

ADMIRATION for you, it sounds like you are the one doing all the work - and willing to look after the child to boot! What if you invest all this time and money into getting custody and (from the sounds of things) you begin raising this child only to have these issues ongoing (or god forbid have him cheat again) and the M not be able to last.........I'm still in awe that you are able to show so much compassion and tolerance for it all.

[Ladyjane14]

Boundaries aren't boundaries unless you're willing to enforce them. Fact is... Integra has raised some interesting points and asked some pertinent questions about the state of your marriage and how you feel about it. These are important things to think about. Is the marriage REALLY serving your emotional needs? Or is it something you just feel kind of stuck with? Are you free to enforce your boundaries with the last and best weapon in your arsenal... the ultimatum, your willingness to end the marriage...???

 

It doesn't seem to me that your FWH (formerly wayward husband) has been stepping up to the plate and giving you the reassurance you need in order to repair the marriage. That's Step #1 when it comes to putting resentments away, and he's not getting the job done. Resentments are easy enough to overcome when you're getting what you need. They're almost impossible to put away when you're not.

 

If you need him to establish NC with the OW... then that's what you need. The resentments will not be addressed until that happens. and if the resentments aren't addressed.... the marriage eventually fails. It's only a matter of time.

 

Possibly the thing to do would be to have a third party's intercession with visitation exchanges. Do you have a friend or family member that might step in and arbitrate? If so, you can limit OWs access to business-only email and an emergency phone number. If she abuses those points of contact with personal issues... run them through your "arbitrator" for clean-up as well.

 

Eventually, one would hope the cycle of chaos will be broken and the OW will finally get it through her head that she is not part of your family. After that, you won't need arbitration anymore.

[Lizzie60]

I don't think posters were slamming you... I have to say one thing.. I DO admire you... you are good to that baby... I know a lot of women who would resent the child.

 

You have been betrayed big time... first by your husband.. second by your friend.. when you were at the lowest in your life...

 

She is a miserable bit*ch to have done what she did...and to keep being miserable... I have no respect for her... I have more respect for you... as a matter of fact.

 

The one to blame the most in all this situation is your husband. He's the one who has been totally irresponsible and he's the one who betrayed you the most.... and is still the one who just can't put his feet down...

 

She can't keep the baby away if he's paying child support.. but from what I read... she probably does all she can to be a miserable little b*tch.... I know how you feel.. I would also want to shoot her.. LOL

 

But I have to say.. I really don't know how you can handle this situation without going insane... I know I would... I don't think I would have the patience to live like that... knowing she can run our life like she does... I know you must feel soooo helpless... and soooo angry.

 

I really don't know what I would do... this is probably the worst scenario someone could find themselves stuck in...

 

Good luck!

[child_of_isis]

I would go for custody of the child. It sounds as if you are the only one who cares about the poor thing.

 

Then she'll have to learn to hold a job to pay the support.

[mopar crazy]

Small correction: YOUR HUBBY IS a homewrecker.

Place the anger where it belongs.

You weren't fulfilling his needs and he sought elsewhere. Maybe it's time you live up to YOUR hand in all of this as well.

$870 a month? Is that all you are squawking about?

Small price to pay for bringing a child into this world.

My mm im sure would have to pay a lot more than that and his young wife is a sad case as well.

 

LOL! I knew immediately this post was made by an OW! Go figure!

 

Her H ONS was NOT HER FAULT! She didn't ask for her H to stick his d!ck where it did not belong! And I don't know about the OW he had an A w/ but did she know he was M? If so, then she is partly to blame in this situation too.

 

She wasn't fulfilling his needs so it makes it right for him to go screw someone else? PLEASE! That is the biggest BULL ***** excuse!

 

About the CS, they got by the father's income on how much he has to pay in CS, at least here they do.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Don't know if I missed it skimming these 3 pages, but has your H insisted on getting a DNA test done????? That should be your FIRST order of business.

 

Secondly, if the DNA test proves it's his, then arrange the CS through the courts and no more "private agreements."

 

Third, I'm with some of the others. I don't believe for ONE SECOND this was just a one night stand. Not one second. I think there's still alot of lying going on and alot of sneaking as well.

 

And fourth, the ignorant statement made about this mess being YOUR fault because you weren't "fulfilling his needs" is just that - ignorant.

[bestadvisor]

Don't know if I missed it skimming these 3 pages, but has your H insisted on getting a DNA test done????? That should be your FIRST order of business.

 

Secondly, if the DNA test proves it's his, then arrange the CS through the courts and no more "private agreements."

 

Third, I'm with some of the others. I don't believe for ONE SECOND this was just a one night stand. Not one second. I think there's still alot of lying going on and alot of sneaking as well.

 

And fourth, the ignorant statement made about this mess being YOUR fault because you weren't "fulfilling his needs" is just that - ignorant.

 

The second the above post. As almost always, I would have written exactly what you wrote.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

LOL! I knew immediately this post was made by an OW! Go figure!

 

Her H ONS was NOT HER FAULT! She didn't ask for her H to stick his d!ck where it did not belong! And I don't know about the OW he had an A w/ but did she know he was M? If so, then she is partly to blame in this situation too.

 

She wasn't fulfilling his needs so it makes it right for him to go screw someone else? PLEASE! That is the biggest BULL ***** excuse!

 

About the CS, they got by the father's income on how much he has to pay in CS, at least here they do.

 

 

What does 'Her H ONE was NOT HER FAULT' mean?

 

yes the ow knew he was married. we were all mutral friends. She knew exactly what she was doing. As did my H.

 

Yes a DNA test was done 3 weeks after the baby was born... 99.99999% his.

 

I feel like the kids are the victims here. Do you know how hard it was to tell my son he was getting a new baby brother or sister and that I wasn't his/her mommy? My son asked me...' well then how is the new baby my brother or sister?' I didn't know how to answer him. All I said was, just wait until he/she gets here... and I'll try to expain it to you then.' Of course, he shrugged his shoulders and ran off... obviously because he has no clue how babies are made. But he did have an understanding that mom and dad had something to do with it.

 

After the baby was born, he put two and two together. and yes, he was upset with his dad, but he hated the OW. And seeing the hurt in his eyes made me hate her even more.

 

my husband and I have had our fights, discussions, and arguments about this whole situation. I scream yell and stomp my feet when he has more contact with her than nessecary. But again, he always has an explaination. The most popular one... 'As long as I am nice to her, it makes it easier on the baby. If she and I are fighting, he feels it. And that isn't fair to him'.

Where does that put me? In a boiling pit of anger, rage, hate, resentment, pain, fear and loathing. I hope every single day that she miraculously gets hit by a bus. If she were out of the picture things wouldn't be so bad.

 

She constantly tests my H. Asking him...telling him rather, what he needs to do... and lately he has been much better, he is learning to tell her no. But there is always some sort of repercussion. She manages to pull some bullsh#$ act and causes us to fight... then she sits back and hears about it from mutral friends..probably with a smirk on her face.

 

My husband is trying to do right by this baby boy. He wants him to have a good chance to survive in this life. However, he gets fired at from both ends. She complains that he isn't doing enough and I complain he is doing too much. As I said before... it would just be easier if she were gone. I wish she would just give us full custody without having to fight about it. But she won't... that kid is a paycheck. Why would she give that up?

[KATANYA]

my husband and I have had our fights, discussions, and arguments about this whole situation. I scream yell and stomp my feet when he has more contact with her than nessecary. But again, he always has an explaination. The most popular one... 'As long as I am nice to her, it makes it easier on the baby. If she and I are fighting, he feels it. And that isn't fair to him'.

 

So, your husband is "nice" to her so that things will not spill over and the infant child 'feels' the tension????? Yet you and H are arguing repeatedly with your own child present (not saying in the same room).....doesn't H feel the same level of "concern" about working with YOU to make things better so that you and he don't fight either!!!????

 

I'm not defending the OW here, and I'll probably get slammed for even bringing this up, but I just want to point out that your last comment

 

... it would just be easier if she were gone. I wish she would just give us full custody without having to fight about it. But she won't... that kid is a paycheck. Why would she give that up?

 

I don't know the OW but would certainly feel all the hatred that you do toward her...please do keep in mind though that this is HER child and, despite her poor work habits and everything else, this is HER baby - not just a paycheque! You wanted her to abort the baby now you want her to 'give up' her baby....I truly do understand that you want her out of the picture in any way that can be accomplished but, in all fairness, as long as you are willing to keep H around, and as long as you are determined to be a good support to their child, you have got OW as part of the package......and at the end of the day, no matter what you think is in the best interests of this child, SHE is the mother. I may not be the best mother in the world by anyone's standards but I would die for my children, you would do the same and I'm sure she is no different (no matter how the child came to be....)

 

Having said that, I don't think its been asked but does H agree to go for full custody of the child? Will he follow through with it? (It doesn't sound like he's been able to actually stand up for anything else so what will make him grow a backbone that he's going to need to handle this kind of court fight?)

 

Like my post before and many others comments since, are you sure the relationship between OW and your H is simply about the child....if I were you, I would be doing a great deal of investigating on that end. Maybe the OW has a lot more over your H's head then the child???? And in all fairness to you, your husband knows he is wallking a fine line with you and that you are doing EVERYTHING to make this work for him....you've got no reason to trust either one of them but all the reasons in the world to protect yourself and you own child from here on in!

[Integra]

What does 'Her H ONE was NOT HER FAULT' mean?

 

yes the ow knew he was married. we were all mutral friends. She knew exactly what she was doing. As did my H.

 

Yes a DNA test was done 3 weeks after the baby was born... 99.99999% his.

 

I feel like the kids are the victims here. Do you know how hard it was to tell my son he was getting a new baby brother or sister and that I wasn't his/her mommy? My son asked me...' well then how is the new baby my brother or sister?' I didn't know how to answer him. All I said was, just wait until he/she gets here... and I'll try to expain it to you then.' Of course, he shrugged his shoulders and ran off... obviously because he has no clue how babies are made. But he did have an understanding that mom and dad had something to do with it.

 

After the baby was born, he put two and two together. and yes, he was upset with his dad, but he hated the OW. And seeing the hurt in his eyes made me hate her even more.

 

First off. How old is your son? If he doesn't even know where

babies come from yet, then why does he hate the OW?

Did you explain to him at that point about the origin of babies?

Why would this increase your hate for the OW even more.. How

did it make you feel about your H and his part in all of this??

 

my husband and I have had our fights, discussions, and arguments about this whole situation. I scream yell and stomp my feet when he has more contact with her than nessecary. But again, he always has an explaination. The most popular one... 'As long as I am nice to her, it makes it easier on the baby. If she and I are fighting, he feels it. And that isn't fair to him'.

Where does that put me? In a boiling pit of anger, rage, hate, resentment, pain, fear and loathing. I hope every single day that she miraculously gets hit by a bus. If she were out of the picture things wouldn't be so bad.

 

I'm going to tell you something once again.. You can scream

yell , cuss , do what ever you want. YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM

DO ANYTHING HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO!!! Your H is the only

one who can make himself stick to boundaries. Explain this to

me, please. In one moment you are telling all of us how your

H really doesn't have anything to do w/this baby. That he

can't stand to be around him.. If that statement is true than

I can tell you that your H isn't being nice to the OW to make

things more comfortable for the OC.. IF HE WANTED THE OC

TO BE COMFORTABLE, THEN HE WOULD BE ABLE TO STAND

BEING AROUND HIM. You actually think hoping and wishing

death on this OW would is a productive thing. You actively

wish for this OW to be hit by a bus.. You seriously need to

seek therapy.. This OW, This OC will be in your life until the

day one of you dies , unless you decide to leave your husband.

Period, end of story.. This is now your life. And you either

need to learn how to make it work or walk away..

She constantly tests my H. Asking him...telling him rather, what he needs to do... and lately he has been much better, he is learning to tell her no. But there is always some sort of repercussion. She manages to pull some bullsh#$ act and causes us to fight... then she sits back and hears about it from mutral friends..probably with a smirk on her face.

 

First, if you don't want her hearing about your fights at home

from mutual friends.. THEN QUIT TELLING THEM ABOUT IT!!

She won't know, if your not telling people. She can not make

the two of you fight. You control whether or not you and

your H fight. She doesn't live with you.

My husband is trying to do right by this baby boy. He wants him to have a good chance to survive in this life. However, he gets fired at from both ends. She complains that he isn't doing enough and I complain he is doing too much. As I said before... it would just be easier if she were gone. I wish she would just give us full custody without having to fight about it. But she won't... that kid is a paycheck. Why would she give that up?

 

Here, I'm going to tell you this again. If you feel he is doing too

much, she thinks he is doing to little. THEN GO TO COURT AND

GET THIS CRAP LEGALLY ESTABLISHED!!!

 

The last time I responded to you. I asked you a lot

of questions about you, your marriage and your

H, that for some reason you don't want to address.

 

I'm starting to believe that you have no idea

what is actually happening in your marriage.

When did you even learn about this affair?

Before or after you learned she was pregnant?

Did you return to your H from your separation (that

you wanted and initiated by the way) before or

after you learned of the OW. How are you

and your H trying to repair your marriage??

Or are you focusing all of your energy on the OW

and what all you think she did??

[shatteredbrokenheart]

... doesn't H feel the same level of "concern" about working with YOU to make things better so that you and he don't fight either!!!????

 

he does express his concern to me. he is trying to keep EVERYONE happy. And I may be making it difficult for him to do that. He can't keep her happy without contact and he cant keep me happy with contact. So he really is in between a rock and a hard spot. But I think it's easier to fight with me because I won't bend him over a barrel and take him for all he has. I'm just not that way. She on the other hand, will keep this lawyer bullcrap going on and on. Her mommy has a bundle and will pay for it, so it's no big deal to her. We on the other hand, to have that kind of money to throw at our lawyer. And she knows that. So she'll keep pushing.

 

... it would just be easier if she were gone. I wish she would just give us full custody without having to fight about it. But she won't... that kid is a paycheck. Why would she give that up?

 

Yes I do understand that he is her baby. She's his mother, I get that. But it doesn't mean she deserves him. She doesn't. And I am sure I'm gonna get slammed for that remark too. But its the truth. Of course I wanted her to abort. Look at what this kid's got to go through??? It could have been prevented. But now he is here. And medicated most of the time. I've never seen a child on as much medication as he is on. Every time I turn around, when H gets his visitation, there is a detailed instruction from her on what time to give him antibiotics. HE IS ALWAYS ON ANTIBIOTICS!!!!! That pi$$es me off to no end!!! It isn't right. Yet she gets away with it. Do I document this? Of course... I keep detailed documentation of EVERYTHING that goes on. And I hope that it'll be useful when we go to court. But the witch drags it out because she wants his money.. and as long as she keeps dragging it.. the more money we are gonna end up spending on just lawyer fees alone. She had every judge in our county recuse themselves becasue her mother works at the county clerks office... so okay.. fine.. we get a judge from another county over 300 miles away.. now what does she want? She wants my H to pay for all of HER costs to go to that county for the hearing!!! You see what I am getting at here? She is demanding all of this crap.. mostly money!!! and is trying to make it to where my H foots the bill! BULLSH*#!!!

 

H does want full custody, he just hasn't taken that next step. He's hesitant because he works 40 plus hours a week. If he's working and I'm the SAHM I'd be taking care of his son... he doesn't feel right about that. He says he feels like he'd just be dumping him on me. I apprecieate that too. He actually has thought about what would happen if we did have the baby full time. I would be the baby's mother more or less. And in some ways it would feel like I was a permanent babysitter. I don't mind watching him once in awhile. I love him. I really do. And he needs to know he's loved. And I truly believe I would be a better mother than the OW. But I know she wont go down without a fight... and thats more money, more heartache and more problems...

[shatteredbrokenheart]

The last time I responded to you. I asked you a lot

of questions about you, your marriage and your

H, that for some reason you don't want to address.

 

I'm starting to believe that you have no idea

what is actually happening in your marriage.

When did you even learn about this affair?

Before or after you learned she was pregnant?

Did you return to your H from your separation (that

you wanted and initiated by the way) before or

after you learned of the OW. How are you

and your H trying to repair your marriage??

Or are you focusing all of your energy on the OW

and what all you think she did??

 

 

I want to keep my marriage. We've been together for 14 years, (married for 10).

 

My son is now 9 years old.

When we first learned she was pregnant he was 7.

After the baby was born... I explained the best I knew how to my son what happened.

THAT IS WHY HE HATES THE OW....

 

THE AFFAIR HAPPENED WHILE I WAS OUT OF TOWN VISITING MY @ YEAR OLD NEPHEW DYING OF CANCER! THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME THEY WERE TOGETHER!

[shatteredbrokenheart]

I Moved Out 1 Month After I Learned About The Pregnancy. 5 1/2 Months Later I Returned Home With My Husband Because We Were Going To Try To Make Things Work.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

you know what. forget it.

 

I came here for support.

but you people are making me feel worse.

to hell with it,.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

how does one block a user on this site?

 

Wizer, I'd appreciate it if you would just not respond to me anymore... I don't want to listen to anything you have to say anyways.

[Integra]

I want to keep my marriage. We've been together for 14 years, (married for 10).

 

My son is now 9 years old.

When we first learned she was pregnant he was 7.

After the baby was born... I explained the best I knew how to my son what happened.

THAT IS WHY HE HATES THE OW....

 

THE AFFAIR HAPPENED WHILE I WAS OUT OF TOWN VISITING MY @ YEAR OLD NEPHEW DYING OF CANCER! THAT WAS THE ONLY TIME THEY WERE TOGETHER!

 

So, You saying that none of this took place during

your separation?? The reason I asked about your son is

because I have a 10yr old. He was 8 when my H cheated

on me.. I know how kids react and what they know. And

it entirely depends on what all the parents involved tell

the child. And how you and your H are acting around him.

All of this fighting that's going on.. Are you and your H

doing this when your son is home?? Let me tell you, kids

hear and feel a helluva lot more than we as parents think.

 

I understand that you want to keep your M.. I get this,

my 14th wedding anniversary is less than 3mths from

now.. And I'm now nearly 5yrs from my H's A.. So I am

coming to you as someone who's had to work like hell

for years now on her M.. That's why I keep bringing

all these questions about your marriage.. You and your

H have to figure this out.. But as long as you are fighting

tooth and nail like this, your not going to accomplish

anything.. I'm really sorry to say that, but it's the truth.

 

I want you , mom to mom here, to just think about the

type of atmosphere you are creating for your own child

living in all of this turmoil.. As much as you may hate

the OW, isn't your own child worth coming to grips with

this situation.

 

Like I said before.. This is your life now..

I don't care what all the OW wants. Letting her want

all she wants. What she gets, by the court are two

different things. Here's what a judge will most likely

give her-CS, Daycare help (if needed), Health

Insurance.. That's about it.. By law, she can't take

you for everything you have. Just like you couldn't

take your H for everything if you left.. Anything else

would be offered or given by the goodness of your

heart, like college fund or such.

 

You are so angry (UNDERSTANDABLE).. And in so

much pain (UNDERSTANDABLE).. But at some point.

your just going to have to stop fighting against this, and

start trying to make the situation livable, for you,

your son, your H, and the OC. That's all you can do.

You can wish, hope pray.. Whatever you want...

But, your H cheated. The OW got pregnant. Now

there is an OC.. NONE of that can be taken away.

It's all done.. Now all that's left is the mess to clean

up. Is it fair that you get to clean up the mess. HELL

NO!! But we as BS's , once we agree to stay, once

we agree to work it out, then we are part of cleaning

up the mess.. No matter how big and painful that mess

is.

 

My heart does, in complete honesty, go out

to you..

[shatteredbrokenheart]

So, You saying that none of this took place during

your separation?? The reason I asked about your son is

because I have a 10yr old. He was 8 when my H cheated

on me.. I know how kids react and what they know. And

it entirely depends on what all the parents involved tell

the child. And how you and your H are acting around him.

All of this fighting that's going on.. Are you and your H

doing this when your son is home?? Let me tell you, kids

hear and feel a helluva lot more than we as parents think.

 

I understand that you want to keep your M.. I get this,

my 14th wedding anniversary is less than 3mths from

now.. And I'm now nearly 5yrs from my H's A.. So I am

coming to you as someone who's had to work like hell

for years now on her M.. That's why I keep bringing

all these questions about your marriage.. You and your

H have to figure this out.. But as long as you are fighting

tooth and nail like this, your not going to accomplish

anything.. I'm really sorry to say that, but it's the truth.

 

I want you , mom to mom here, to just think about the

type of atmosphere you are creating for your own child

living in all of this turmoil.. As much as you may hate

the OW, isn't your own child worth coming to grips with

this situation.

 

Like I said before.. This is your life now..

I don't care what all the OW wants. Letting her want

all she wants. What she gets, by the court are two

different things. Here's what a judge will most likely

give her-CS, Daycare help (if needed), Health

Insurance.. That's about it.. By law, she can't take

you for everything you have. Just like you couldn't

take your H for everything if you left.. Anything else

would be offered or given by the goodness of your

heart, like college fund or such.

 

You are so angry (UNDERSTANDABLE).. And in so

much pain (UNDERSTANDABLE).. But at some point.

your just going to have to stop fighting against this, and

start trying to make the situation livable, for you,

your son, your H, and the OC. That's all you can do.

You can wish, hope pray.. Whatever you want...

But, your H cheated. The OW got pregnant. Now

there is an OC.. NONE of that can be taken away.

It's all done.. Now all that's left is the mess to clean

up. Is it fair that you get to clean up the mess. HELL

NO!! But we as BS's , once we agree to stay, once

we agree to work it out, then we are part of cleaning

up the mess.. No matter how big and painful that mess

is.

 

My heart does, in complete honesty, go out

to you..

 

 

 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

 

That is what I needed to hear.

 

I realize that there is a mess. A mess that I didn't create. And I understand that if I stay I will have to help clean it up.

 

My son.. he did act out shortly after the baby was born. He started failing in school, starting fights, got kicked off the bus... etc.. That is part of the reason why I came home. PART of the reason. I still do love my husband. I really do. So yes, I do want to stay and try to make it work. But I have exhausted all ways that I know how to limit the contact between the OW and my H.

I think I may have him talked into TRYING MC. I don't know though. He feels like we can work it out on our own. It may take longer, but he thinks we can do it.

[KATANYA]

Shattered........please, PLEASE, read your posts! I am so worried for you, your own child and this whole situation!

 

You continue to want to hurt the OW (which we can all understand) but it is almost at a point that it has become irrational what you are thinking and what you feel.....yes this woman hurt you beyond belief but now I'm starting to think that you really want to hurt her back any way you can. The best way would be by actually taking away the child from her....the ultimate hurt and loss for any woman/mother (even more so then losing a spouse!).

 

In the same way you talk about loving the OW's child, you HATE the OW. That child is and will always be part of the OW. You can take the baby away from the mother but you will never take away WHO the baby is!!!

 

You have not said ANYTHING about you and your H....nothing is fixed here - nothing has healed. Neither of you have dealt with the A or what is to become of your own M. So you get custody, so you sacrifice all to take over as 'mother' to the OW's child - and everyday you look daily into the beautiful face of a child who reminds you of your husbands betrayal? What do you tell the child when he is older? When he wants to know who his mother is? When he wants to meet her?

 

Also, what if your M doesn't last...what if the damage can't be fixed? Who takes the child then? You?

 

Let me ask you something. If your husband had left you, walked out on you and your son, what would you have done? Would you have simply disappeared into the past and let him go on with his life or would you have held him accountable for making sure you and your son had a life that he promised you and that your son deserved? She may be the OW but this is not about her, this is about your husband's child and what the child deserves - in all fairness, she should not have to give up her child and disappear from his life in order for her baby's father to do right by him! I'm really sorry but that is the truth as I see it! I really don't think its relevant whether she has a family with money or not....her family didn't father the child - he did!

 

Maybe you really do need to take a break from this whole situation and step back from it. Concentrate on your own son and his needs........tell your H that you just can't deal with all of this and he needs to let you know what he is prepared to do to make this situation right. I know that sounds too easy but, in all fairness, no one consulted you about the A or about the OC beforehand so why is it up to you to be the peacemaker, babysitter, and backbone of this situation now? Maybe its time you set boundaried, standards and timelines for things and let everyone else do the work.....and I'd be giving serious second thought to raising this baby with your H...my gut feeling tells me that (as beautiful and innocent as all babies are) you don't realize how much you are using this baby as your own pawn to hurt the OW as much as she's hurt you!

 

Shattered...I'm not saying anything here to hurt you! I really do mean it when I say I'm worried about you and this whole situation. Please just consider some of the things I've said. You really do deserve better than what you've gotten but, in some ways, only you can make this situation better for yourself.

[Integra]

Mistype, and couldn't edit.

 

My son was 5 when my H cheated... Sorry

for any confusion!!

[shatteredbrokenheart]

Shattered........please, PLEASE, read your posts! I am so worried for you, your own child and this whole situation!

 

You continue to want to hurt the OW (which we can all understand) but it is almost at a point that it has become irrational what you are thinking and what you feel.....yes this woman hurt you beyond belief but now I'm starting to think that you really want to hurt her back any way you can. The best way would be by actually taking away the child from her....the ultimate hurt and loss for any woman/mother (even more so then losing a spouse!).

 

In the same way you talk about loving the OW's child, you HATE the OW. That child is and will always be part of the OW. You can take the baby away from the mother but you will never take away WHO the baby is!!!

 

You have not said ANYTHING about you and your H....nothing is fixed here - nothing has healed. Neither of you have dealt with the A or what is to become of your own M. So you get custody, so you sacrifice all to take over as 'mother' to the OW's child - and everyday you look daily into the beautiful face of a child who reminds you of your husbands betrayal? What do you tell the child when he is older? When he wants to know who his mother is? When he wants to meet her?

 

Also, what if your M doesn't last...what if the damage can't be fixed? Who takes the child then? You?

 

Let me ask you something. If your husband had left you, walked out on you and your son, what would you have done? Would you have simply disappeared into the past and let him go on with his life or would you have held him accountable for making sure you and your son had a life that he promised you and that your son deserved? She may be the OW but this is not about her, this is about your husband's child and what the child deserves - in all fairness, she should not have to give up her child and disappear from his life in order for her baby's father to do right by him! I'm really sorry but that is the truth as I see it! I really don't think its relevant whether she has a family with money or not....her family didn't father the child - he did!

 

Maybe you really do need to take a break from this whole situation and step back from it. Concentrate on your own son and his needs........tell your H that you just can't deal with all of this and he needs to let you know what he is prepared to do to make this situation right. I know that sounds too easy but, in all fairness, no one consulted you about the A or about the OC beforehand so why is it up to you to be the peacemaker, babysitter, and backbone of this situation now? Maybe its time you set boundaried, standards and timelines for things and let everyone else do the work.....and I'd be giving serious second thought to raising this baby with your H...my gut feeling tells me that (as beautiful and innocent as all babies are) you don't realize how much you are using this baby as your own pawn to hurt the OW as much as she's hurt you!

 

Shattered...I'm not saying anything here to hurt you! I really do mean it when I say I'm worried about you and this whole situation. Please just consider some of the things I've said. You really do deserve better than what you've gotten but, in some ways, only you can make this situation better for yourself.

 

 

I don't know where else to direct my anger. Forgive me if I don't make any sense right now.. I am bawling.

 

Yes. I do want her to hurt. I do want her to feel the pain I've been through. And if I can inflict it.. all the better.

She shows no remorse for anything. If she showed an ounce, maybe, MAYBE things wouldn't be so hard.

But in all honesty, she thinks it is hilarious. She's laughed at me when I've tried to express my feelings.

We did try to all be friends after all of this. I tried SO SO SO HARD. I wanted to accept everything that had happened, forgive and move on.. for the sake of the kids...

 

But I can't stop hurting. I'd rather be beaten to death with a baseball bat then feel this pain.

[shatteredbrokenheart]

I really want my marriage to last. I want it to work more than anything. I really don't know any other way. I've been with my H since highschool. I'm almost 30 now. I don't know if I can start over if my M does end. I just don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if I can take my son away from his dad again. (not take away as in never see him again.. but the whole divorce with visitation thing)

 

I don't want anyone else in the world. I want my husband... and I certianly don't want to be alone.

 

It feels like though...... like I have to share him with her. Does that make sense?

[shatteredbrokenheart]

You tried to be friends with the woman who had your husband's baby?

 

Safe to say that wasn't going to happen.

 

 

WIZER -------- DISAPPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!