Terrible end to a bad year

[sumdude]

Not sure how i am going to feel in the future living in the house we rennovated together, probably too many memories. Plan to stay here until my emotions settle down some, then maybe look at downsizing. Is that what other LS'ers have done, does anyone stay in the ex-marital home long term?

 

Well, I'm still im the house, we repainted every room with colors we both picked out. The first thing I did early on was repaint the bedroom which was HER color to my own color. Otherwise after time you just get used to it.. change it to suit yourself where and when you can.... start calling it MY house.

[hopeful26]

Not sure how i am going to feel in the future living in the house we rennovated together, probably too many memories. Plan to stay here until my emotions settle down some, then maybe look at downsizing. Is that what other LS'ers have done, does anyone stay in the ex-marital home long term?

I decided to sell my house; too many memories. Part of my plan for moving on was to start 100% new, and that included getting rid of things that reminded me of her. We bought the house when we got married and I sure as hell didn't want to be living inside of a giant reminder!

[Gunny376]

Sorry to hear about this. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Hell, I'm still working through it! Keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other, and realize it's her not you. Wish I didn't have to say this, but I speak from experience. Lots of great people here at LS, plenty of support, just keep posting.

 

I'm so glad to be the other-side of all of this!

 

Better to be single and alone!

 

Than marrired and alone!

[T L]

I'm so glad to be the other-side of all of this!

 

Better to be single and alone!

 

Than marrired and alone!

 

I do take comfort and draw strength from the others on LS who are further along the road than myself and that there is an other-side to all of this.

[T L]

I decided to sell my house; too many memories. Part of my plan for moving on was to start 100% new, and that included getting rid of things that reminded me of her. We bought the house when we got married and I sure as hell didn't want to be living inside of a giant reminder!

 

I can definately see the advantage of selling up and making a completely new start. At the moment, me buying my X's share of the house is by far the quicker way to get out of each others hair, could be done in a matter of weeks. I can then sell and move on when I want, which could be sooner rather than later, there are a lot of reminders here......

[T L]

Had my parents over last night and cooked them a meal, really to thank them for their support and show them that Im doing ok. I always did most of the cooking when living with the X, I enjoy it, I will have to get used to cooking for one now, I dont want to rely on ready meals .

 

Having my parents come over made me think of the in-laws and how much I miss them, people make in-law jokes, but they were such a large part of my life for 7 1/2 years, I virtually lived at their house for a year, and they helped so much with setting up our home.

 

I know I have to look after myself but I wonder how they are coping too (They have been married over 30 yrs, quite traditional, MIL always said I would make a good dad). I did call them initially to thank them for being good to me over the years, but thats the last time I spoke to them I pretty much said goodbye then. I will probably send them an Xmas card and maybe a note.

 

Was really good friends with BIL also, (X's BIL), and he had hoped that we could still stay friends, Its a shame, but I dont think that can happen. I feel that my best chance for getting through this as soon as possible is to cut myself off from anything/anyone to do with the X completely.

 

There are some 'joint' friends, who I told at the time, I didnt expect them to decide between me and the X. I dont know if im being over the top, but Im thinking now, that although I wont think anything less of them if they still see the X, I dont know if I would still want to socialise with them?

[hopeful26]

 

Better to be single and alone!

 

Than marrired and alone!

 

You couldn't possibly be more correct!

 

There are some 'joint' friends, who I told at the time, I didnt expect them to decide between me and the X. I dont know if im being over the top, but Im thinking now, that although I wont think anything less of them if they still see the X, I dont know if I would still want to socialise with them?

With me, I noticed that the longer I went without being reminded of my X the better I felt. Thus, through no fault of their own our mutual friends were no help.

[T L]

You couldn't possibly be more correct!

 

 

With me, I noticed that the longer I went without being reminded of my X the better I felt. Thus, through no fault of their own our mutual friends were no help.

 

Thanks hopeful, thats what Im thinking, try to limit as many reminders of the X as I can.

[T L]

I'm so glad to be the other-side of all of this!

 

Better to be single and alone!

 

Than marrired and alone!

 

Its funny, I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I cant file for divorce until a year and a day after the wedding (that would be around April '08), the seperation agreement will mention a standard two year period until divorce (although the D can be filed at the year anniversary)

 

But the X hasnt had the xxxls to even mention a divorce, she will probably just leave that up to me much like everything else.

 

I do plan to file as soon as I can though (and I would like to do it rather than let the X get there first), it has got to be better to be single and alone, not much point in being married at the moment!

[lost66]

T.I.,

I found my fiance texting some guy she met at her batchelorette party that was out of town. I busted her on it and then found a week later she was still doing it. Long story short, we didn't get married, thank god! She ened up metting some loser and getting pregnant with him only 2-3 months after our breakup.

 

So, I have been at it for 5 months and have made some mistakes. For instance, I rushed into a relationship, bad call. I fell in love with this beautiful woman that was in the middle of a nasty divorce with 2 kids. She was practally living at my house. Well, that ended and I am now grieving from that relationship too, its like a double whammie!

 

The in-law thing was hard for me too. I was with this girl for 4 years, living together for 3 years, and was very close to her family. Her dad called me recently and left a message asking how I was and If I was going hunting. The only reason I ever hunted was because of him. I didn't call him back, I suggest cutting ties with them too. It will just be harder on you.

 

As for the house, instead of spending money on this huge elaborate wedding we were going to have, I was able to remodel my kitchen, the granite countertops come tomorrow, I spent the day today priming the walls for the new paint. The place looks great. Also, I bought a bunch of new furniture to replace the ex's. While I was at it I figured I would get a new bedroom set .

 

As for the friends with newborns, its hard brother. I, like you, was ready to have kids. All of my friends are married and have babies. At first I thought, oh crap, I'm behind in life because everyone else has kids and I don't. Screw it! You will meet someone again and have kids. You don't have to be on the same life path as your friends. Everything will work out. Thank god you didn't have a kid with this woman!

 

As for communication between you and the ex, A few months ago she came for the last of her stuff. I was being selfish and didn't let her take gifts I gave her such as diamond earings, watch, tiffany's jewelry...I gave it all back. I have not spoken to her since. That parts is easier since she is freakin pregnant but, I did her from a mutual friend that she said she wouldn't be with this guy if it wasn't for her pregnancy, I'm sure she is a mess. Much more so than I am.

 

LS is awesome, so helpful. Thank you for your posts, it is helping me get through these hard times. I hope helping me helps you a bit.

 

Sincerely,

 

Lost66

[T L]

Hi lost66,

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

Like you, I am finding LS really helpful, knowing that there are others experiencing similar things and supporting each other here is a comfort...

 

and a learning experience too, I feel like I have learnt a lot from reading the threads on here and will continue to learn (I also have a big pile of books to get through too).

 

PS sounds cool what you have done to the house , I may have to get myself a new tv as my xmas present to myself .

[lost66]

Now you are talking TL! Get a flat screen! Get some new threads too! Maybe not now but at some point you are going to want to get back into it again. My counter tops came today, they look great!

 

It is important to get rid of all of the ex's stuff, at least for me. We didn't get married but she had her first wedding shower. She mailed back most of the stuff to the people that gave it to her. I just about have all her sh*t out. I need to get a new dog tag for my dog because it still says her name on it. Thats about it though. The rebound relationship I had after her, that girl pretty much lived here part time, moved all her stuff in (DONT DO THIS!!!) Well, that ended and she had a bunch of clothes at my house. She was in the middle of a divorce, long story but, it took a couple of weeks to get her ****. I found myself looking in the closet every day thinking, is she gonna get her stuf or not? It was a horrible feeling. Now all of her stuff is out too. What a year! Can't wait until it is over.

 

I have also really gotten into working out. It has been a huge help and stress reliever. I have lost weight and gained muscle. I feel great physically. I highly recommend it. I saw that you were going to join a gym, do it.

 

LS has been soo great, its like cheap tharapy. There is nobody I know going through this or anything close to this so to come here and talk to you helps me a lot. Be strong Brother. You will find someone. Both of our ex's are definately way immature. Again, thank god no kids were involved.

[hopeful26]

TL,

 

I hope things are going well for you. I just moved the last of my stuff out of the house and I'm closing on the sale in two days. I never have to go back to that place, ever again! 2007 has not been good to me. I'm going into 2008 with my new found wisdom and it's going to be spectacular! If you feel like talking you know where to come.

 

Oh, and get the biggest, baddest TV you can! Then watch really manly movies on it, ones with lots of guns and cars.

[T L]

Hi, thought I would update, although there is not much to update on....

 

Paperwork for the seperation should be signed next week, there had been no need for any contact for the last few weeks with the X.

 

Its funny thinking she only lives about 2 miles up the road with her parents now, I cant see her living on her own, dont know if she plans on living with OM (he lives with his parents too as far as I know!), kids eh? I dunno.

 

The X sent me a text this week regarding some bills and stuff (she did actually apologise for having to get in touch), I asked if we can communicate by e-mail only now,dont want to be receiving texts at work.

 

I have had two pretty rough days after that, crying like a baby, dont know if it was the contact or just the rollercoaster a lot of us here are riding at the moment.

 

I am still getting those moments when it feels like I have been hit over the head with a 2x4 and I feel like waving my arms in the air and screaming!

 

Am going to ask the X if we can sort out anything else that might need to be done by the time the seperation agreement is signed. I dont know if I am being over the top but I plan on changing phone no's, email adds etc at that point, although she still knows where I live !, as I said though, so far she has respected the fact that I dont want any unecessary contact. I am dreading bumping in to her anywhere esp if she is with OM, will avoid places she may socialise.

 

I am still going to councelling, its helped having someone independant of the situation to talk to. Although the councellor only gets my side of the story, its helped me see that although I can work on my own communication, really I did try to communicate but just wasnt getting anything back from the X. I had asked for complete honesty from both of us for it to work and and its a shame she didnt feel comfortable enough to do this with me or herself. The X has decided that she doesnt want the mature married life at the moment, she wants to tale a step back in time and go back to her youth.

 

I am going to try not to analyse it too much more now....I have been doing that endlessly for many weeks.....what I hope to do now is learn from warning signs about lack of communication, opening up on stuff, emotional maturity etc so that if I meet someone in the future I will have a better idea of our compatability, also maybe once you have been through something like this in your life you are less likely to ignore red flag behavior and less likely to make big compromises on your own needs being met....and also I can learn a lot about how to treat someone better such as ensuring their emotional needs are met, not doing 'love busters' etc (you can tell Im reading too many self improvement books ).

 

I had thought of mine and the X's LTR as a marriage and never thought that we would not be together for the rest of our lives (until Dday last year), thought the wedding would be the icing on the cake. Its weird but now, rather than put me off marriage for life, I value it even more, maybe thats just because at the moment I could think of nothing better than being in a happy comitted marriage, maybe you want what you dont have.

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am single (well I will be when the D is finalised), and all that entails. Having to fill my time and life with different things, damn didnt want to be in this position at 37.....but thats life I guess. Friends (all of whom are married/starting families) ask what I did at the weekend....not much.....thats something I have to work on. Too old for the club and bar life, trying not to think about a future of dating, I hated all that when I was younger......I met the X through work and knew her for two years before we started going out......its hard to think at the moment that I will meet someone else that I will feel that close to. But as people say on here there are a few billion women on the planet, got to be someone for me, when I am ready for it, someone who is willing to invest as much in it as me.

 

Well considering I didnt really have any news to report it feels like I have typed a lot. Gonna go look for an Xmas tree now, one of those fibre optic ones for the front window to show the world '****you Im still here'....have a good weekend everybody......

 

Cheers.

TL

[lost66]

TL,

 

I have learned that I also need to watch for the red flags much more now. I should have seen them years ago. About dating, try match.com. I have and it is great! I have had many "fiirst dates". It is great for your confidence and great practice too. Also, you will be amazed at the number of single women that are looking for great guys. It also helps you practice the "red flag" game. Go out for coffee with these people then most dates you will find "red flags" that will not allow you to go on the second date. If you try, let me know how it goes for you.

[T L]

TL,

 

I have learned that I also need to watch for the red flags much more now. I should have seen them years ago. About dating, try match.com. I have and it is great! I have had many "fiirst dates". It is great for your confidence and great practice too. Also, you will be amazed at the number of single women that are looking for great guys. It also helps you practice the "red flag" game. Go out for coffee with these people then most dates you will find "red flags" that will not allow you to go on the second date. If you try, let me know how it goes for you.

 

Thanks for the advice lost, glad the dating is going well for you!

[T L]

An Xmas card got delivered here this week addressed to both me and the X, from the in-laws best friends.

 

We have been seperated for nearly 12 weeks now, I find it strange that they havnt been told yet. They had given us a large wedding gift and invited us to stay in their apartment overseas. I sent them an Xmas card by return, with a note telling them of the seperation and that I was staying on in the house.

 

Sometimes it seems like I am having to be the only grown-up in this whole thing. I was the one who went to the lawyer and started the legal seperation.

 

I had to ask the X to come and get her stuff after six weeks.

 

Now Im having to tell the in-laws best friends of the split.

 

Other than that its still really hard, I just really want to get through this grieving stage, if the only thing I have to worry about as a single person is maybe being a bit lonely sometimes or having to go out and meet new people, its got to be better than this misery.

[Gunny376]

Its been my general experience that its better to be single and alone than married and miserable.

 

I've been divorced 17 years, shacked up with a gal for six and half. That was 10 years ago. I date when I take a notion and/or find someone that suits my facey. And, when I don't feel like? I don't. I value my own space and time, and stay busy doing what I want to do or don't want to do? I come and go as I want, when I want, without having to answer to anyone.

 

I'm make more money than I ever have, owe less than I ever have, have more money in the bank than I ever did in my life. I don't have eveything I want, but I've got everything I need.

 

Learning how to meet and greet complete strangers, qualify them, set up a get to know each other date, etc is really just a skill set that anyone can learn.

 

Dating is just a game, and the reason so many people don't like playing the game, is because they don't understand the rules of the game ~ and know one likes playing a game that they don't understand the rules to?

 

I believe that the reason so many people get married to the first person that comes along?

 

Life is very much about attitude and what you make of it? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be? It very much a choice.

 

I have a hard time seeing myself getting married again ~ she would have to be pretty special and crazy about me. Even then there wouldn't be any rushing into anything, and probally involve pre-martial counseling for about year before the actual weeding.

 

I realize this hard for you to believe right now?

 

BUT THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE!

[lost66]

Keep your head up TL. This will all pass. You will find another person. You get that tv yet? Do anything for yourself lately?

[T L]

Its been my general experience that its better to be single and alone than married and miserable.

 

I've been divorced 17 years, shacked up with a gal for six and half. That was 10 years ago. I date when I take a notion and/or find someone that suits my facey. And, when I don't feel like? I don't. I value my own space and time, and stay busy doing what I want to do or don't want to do? I come and go as I want, when I want, without having to answer to anyone.

 

I'm make more money than I ever have, owe less than I ever have, have more money in the bank than I ever did in my life. I don't have eveything I want, but I've got everything I need.

 

Learning how to meet and greet complete strangers, qualify them, set up a get to know each other date, etc is really just a skill set that anyone can learn.

 

Dating is just a game, and the reason so many people don't like playing the game, is because they don't understand the rules of the game ~ and know one likes playing a game that they don't understand the rules to?

 

I believe that the reason so many people get married to the first person that comes along?

 

Life is very much about attitude and what you make of it? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be? It very much a choice.

 

I have a hard time seeing myself getting married again ~ she would have to be pretty special and crazy about me. Even then there wouldn't be any rushing into anything, and probally involve pre-martial counseling for about year before the actual weeding.

 

I realize this hard for you to believe right now?

 

BUT THERE IS LIFE AFTER DIVORCE!

 

Hi Gunny, thanks for your post.

 

I understand what you say about dating being a game and you need to now the rules. When I was younger I used to be quite shy and didnt really take risks or chances (I used to have pretty girls ask me out but turn them down as I was too shy to date them). Since starting my one and only LTR, ive gone up the corporate ladder so to speak, and its given me more confidence to take chances, so Im hoping that I will take the chance to learn the dating game when Im ready for that.

 

I agree about the pre-marital counselling also. Lets hope any future mate will be mature enough to understand it for what it is, a great opportunity to build a strong foundation through good communication.

[T L]

Keep your head up TL. This will all pass. You will find another person. You get that tv yet? Do anything for yourself lately?

 

Hi lost, thanks for your post. I havnt got the tv yet, but I did join a new gym this weekend and had my first workout.

 

Its funny but just before my seperation I was probably near the best shape I had been, after two months of the seperation diet Ive become somewhat skinny and scrawny, so back to the weights!

[T L]

Today I have done copies of all our photos, honeymoon video and recent (week before the split) vacation video for the X.

 

I didnt dwell on all the stuff, I had looked at some of the photos a few weeks ago and cracked up. I looked at some more of the photos today, and it just left me with a feeling of numbness, I just shook my head.

 

I found a photo of our first wedding dance, we had learnt a routine, and we were both laughing and smiling, I just had to shake my head looking at it, as I wonder what feelings the X had for me then. But it didnt really upset me.

 

Being pretty much no contact has helped, but it has created a different version of the X in my mind, a selfish, immature, deceitful one, which probably helps in getting through this, looking at the videos reminds me of the beautiful, fun girl I fell in love with and makes it a lot harder.

 

Shall now proceed to make my own back-up copy and then delete it all off the pc.

[lost66]

I deleted some pics of the computer this weekend too. I'm slowly getting over it all. I think, . The dates are helping for sure. I had one on thursday. nice girl but she is not for me. we had fun though and it just proves to me that there are others looking out there.

 

Yes, TL I was in good shape too going into the wedding day. I wanted to look good for all the pics. I also just got a new BMW and my business is starting to take off. Now, working out 4 days a week I am in the best shape I have been in awhile. It is a great stress releiver and there are single girls at the gym .

 

Keep posting TL as I will too. Now go work out and get that big TV! They got good deals with the holidays going.

[T L]

I just got home from work and had some post waiting for me.....

 

One of the items was an Xmas card, I am on the mailing list for the X's employment, the card is from them, signed amongst other people, by the X and the OM.

 

I am so ****ed off!!!!

 

I dont know whether to actually expose them to their boss now (It might be common knowledge by now I dont know if they are a 'couple'), I hadnt planned on doing that before as I knew it was over and couldnt be bothered to play games but this has me mad.

 

Either that or I might e-mail the X and thank her for the card but politely refuse it.....she can shove it...

 

Arrrrrrhhhhhggggg!

[T L]

....and breathe....

 

I have calmed down now..sent X an e-mail asking for her to take my name off the company mailing list or I would call her boss and ask him to do it....