Author T L Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Its my W's birthday today and I have had the urge to contact her and offer an olive branch, just to say something along the lines of I would give it a chance if you would, if not I will proceed with a divorce (not as a threat just that would be the next step). Up to now I havnt asked/begged or pleaded to make a go of it. I pretty much mentioned divorce as soon as she said she was going. We havnt spoken about any relationship issues in the three weeks since the split, just practical stuff about the house. I dont think she would want to give it another try, and I think the chances of it working would probably be small and it would be painful and to be honest I dont know if I could do it, but I just dont know if I owe it to the concept of marriage that I make the offer? Or do I owe my own self respect and chances of healing more?
Author T L Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Well that was a new low point last week, I did contact the W and said the door was open to talk, but that I would only say this once and then continue with the divorce, but she said she thought a separation/divorce would be best for both of us in the long run (I think probably better for her now and me in the long run). That killed it off, the final nail in the coffin. Picked up the link in some posts here for the 'Womens Infidelity' publication and read it last weekend, so much of it rang true, even down to the breakup speech. The W is 29 ( I am 37), were together for 7 1/2 years but the sex side of things dropped considerably after maybe 4. W always said she had a low sex drive when I tried to discuss it, gives you a false sense of security thinking that means if your partner doesnt want sex that often with you they wont want it with anyone else, doh! Got through another week, went to a bar with new workmates for lunch on Friday, it was good talking to new people, seem like a good bunch..... but did have a wobble, probably too early to go to such places where some people are on the pull reminded me of the W's infidelity. Postponed drinks on Friday evening with old workmates as I thought I would feel the same way. Had the same problem at the gym last weekend. Will be a bit more consious of not pushing it too fast and just doing stuff I am comfortable with.
Author T L Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Started my individual counceling this week. The councelor has suggested inviting my W along, in order to help me understand what has happened and start to move on. Has anybody got any thoughts or experience doing this after the split is final? I dont know if it would do more harm than good, both in actually seeing my W face to face and hearing what she has got to say. Communication between us was a big problem which I know we both share responsibilty for. If communication was a problem when we were together will it be any different now. And as my W is in the throes of an affair she may just say anything to try to minimise any guilt she may feel. Wonder if I am better off just getting on with it. Any thoughts?
Woggle Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 There isn't much to understand. Your wife is a cheater and she has no regard whatsoever for your feelings and you in general. The sooner she is out of your life the better. Why waste another minute of your life on this woman who clearly is not worth a second? Don't you think that you can do better than her?
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Sorry for your pain.. Honestly, you might be better off just talking to the counsellor on your own. Your wife has already moved on emotionally, it's completely over in her mind, but for you - You still hold a loving flame for her and it would be easier on you NOT to see or talk to her unless you absolutely have to. Make your own closure. Sure, it would be nice if she helped you get that, but at the end of the day, could you believe a word out of her mouth anyway?
Author T L Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 There isn't much to understand. Your wife is a cheater and she has no regard whatsoever for your feelings and you in general. The sooner she is out of your life the better. Why waste another minute of your life on this woman who clearly is not worth a second? Don't you think that you can do better than her? Thanks for the straight talking Woggle. If I was single for the rest of my life I would be better off than being treated like that, if I meet a good woman who I click with in the future that will be a bonus.
Author T L Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Sorry for your pain.. Honestly, you might be better off just talking to the counsellor on your own. Your wife has already moved on emotionally, it's completely over in her mind, but for you - You still hold a loving flame for her and it would be easier on you NOT to see or talk to her unless you absolutely have to. Make your own closure. Sure, it would be nice if she helped you get that, but at the end of the day, could you believe a word out of her mouth anyway? Thank you WWIU, I think it is better not to see her at all and only talk to make any arrangements on the split/divorce, I will continue to speak to the counsellor on my own.
Author T L Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I just made a big mistake. My wife had said that she would want a copy of all the photos we have stored on the pc, I had told her that I would do her a copy but it wouldnt be for a while. I dont know why I put myself through it but I have just looked at the photos and it has taken me back 5 weeks. I thought I was doing a little bit better.... The initial shock had been wearing off and although the actual infidelity is devastating to come to terms with its the fact that my wife is not and will never be here with me that is the hardest thing to come to terms with.
smokiejjj Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 TL You will do better. I'm telling you there a lots of women out there, lots of really nice women that are not so selfish and would not cheat on you. You have to think of what is best for you .. dream of the life you want.. sit back and think of where you want to be and how good your life can be and what type of woman you can meet. I'm telling you there are so many sweet girls out there that just want a nice guy like you. Steve.
PWSX3 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I just made a big mistake. My wife had said that she would want a copy of all the photos we have stored on the pc, I had told her that I would do her a copy but it wouldnt be for a while. I dont know why I put myself through it but I have just looked at the photos and it has taken me back 5 weeks. I thought I was doing a little bit better.... The initial shock had been wearing off and although the actual infidelity is devastating to come to terms with its the fact that my wife is not and will never be here with me that is the hardest thing to come to terms with. I don't think you made any mistake, you are on schedule for making yourself a better life. The more I read & learn about relationships I just wonder to myself if these little setbacks are put in there on purpose? It seems like everyone does them & somehow they always end up being positive later down the road. I wonder if we need these set backs to see where we were at, what we had & that helps us focus on our future? I know it might sound crazy but if you read some of the posts from people that have done the same thing it helps them figure out some of there issues & questions about there spouse. I could be crazy (won't be the first time;)) but keep moving forward for yourself. Sure the STBX or the XW/XH were part of your life & probably always will because that is what history is made from, but that doesn't mean you can't have a better life without them.
sumdude Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 I just made a big mistake. My wife had said that she would want a copy of all the photos we have stored on the pc, I had told her that I would do her a copy but it wouldnt be for a while. I dont know why I put myself through it but I have just looked at the photos and it has taken me back 5 weeks. I thought I was doing a little bit better.... The initial shock had been wearing off and although the actual infidelity is devastating to come to terms with its the fact that my wife is not and will never be here with me that is the hardest thing to come to terms with. Ironic, my ex just came over yesterday to burn CDs of all the photos from the PC. I hadn't turned that one on since she moved out in Jan.. After she left I finally looked through all of them, went over the whole relationship, cried a bit but also maybe found some peace too, perspective even. At some point you find the good stuff and hold onto it, take the bad stuff look at it for what it was ... and start really moving on. In fact one peice of advice from a divorce site was to get all the photos together and do just that... it helped actually.
Author T L Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 TL You will do better. I'm telling you there a lots of women out there, lots of really nice women that are not so selfish and would not cheat on you. You have to think of what is best for you .. dream of the life you want.. sit back and think of where you want to be and how good your life can be and what type of woman you can meet. I'm telling you there are so many sweet girls out there that just want a nice guy like you. Steve. Thanks Smokiejjj, things have been getting a bit better, I am gonna try and start to gradually throw in a few more 'normal' things to do now, in the evenings and at weekends to keep it moving on.
Author T L Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 I don't think you made any mistake, you are on schedule for making yourself a better life. The more I read & learn about relationships I just wonder to myself if these little setbacks are put in there on purpose? It seems like everyone does them & somehow they always end up being positive later down the road. I wonder if we need these set backs to see where we were at, what we had & that helps us focus on our future? I know it might sound crazy but if you read some of the posts from people that have done the same thing it helps them figure out some of there issues & questions about there spouse. I could be crazy (won't be the first time;)) but keep moving forward for yourself. Sure the STBX or the XW/XH were part of your life & probably always will because that is what history is made from, but that doesn't mean you can't have a better life without them. Thanks PWSX3, yeah I guess these things are all stages in the process of getting through this and coming out on the otherside having learnt something and grown.
Author T L Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Ironic, my ex just came over yesterday to burn CDs of all the photos from the PC. I hadn't turned that one on since she moved out in Jan.. After she left I finally looked through all of them, went over the whole relationship, cried a bit but also maybe found some peace too, perspective even. At some point you find the good stuff and hold onto it, take the bad stuff look at it for what it was ... and start really moving on. In fact one peice of advice from a divorce site was to get all the photos together and do just that... it helped actually. Thanks Sumdude, I can see it as a good thing when you can look at the photos and find peace and perspective and as you say hold on to the good stuff and see the bad for what it was.
Author T L Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Its weird as its only been four weeks since I saw my W (five since she left) and most of her stuff is still in our house (not really sure when shes gonna pick it up and dont wanna throw it on the lawn as Im hoping for an amicable seperation of assets ), so there are reminders of her everywhere. But as I have only spoken to my W twice on the telephone in the last four weeks (pleasant enough convos about finances, the house, the weather etc, nothing emotional), I think thats made it a bit easier, I couldnt imagine having to be in contact more often. I actually began to think I might be weird for not trying to contact her just to try and get some sort of small 'emotional fix', maybe thats what I was doing by looking at the photos so early into this? (I wanted to see if we both looked happy in the photos taken of us on vacation a week before the split..yes we did) Initially after my W dropped the bombshell, I really didnt want to be with her, I was po'd, and I didnt expect her to come back anyway. But I dont know if its love,weakness,fear or just your coping mechanism but I gradually started to entertain the thought/hope that she might come back, even though rationally I know its not going to happen, the one of her that I would want to come back doesnt even exist in real life, but I still find myself thinking it from time to time. Is this unhealthy, does everyone do this? (many seem to from reading other threads). I mean im not obsessing on it and I would like to think that it will just take time to fade. Its either let it take time to fade or take a massive hit now, which I think I have caught a glimse of and I didnt like it, I think Id rather it comes out in time,gradually... Is this a stage of 'moving on', when no part of you hopes for a reconciliation anymore?
sumdude Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Is this unhealthy, does everyone do this? (many seem to from reading other threads). I mean im not obsessing on it and I would like to think that it will just take time to fade. Its either let it take time to fade or take a massive hit now, which I think I have caught a glimse of and I didnt like it, I think Id rather it comes out in time,gradually... Is this a stage of 'moving on', when no part of you hopes for a reconciliation anymore? I can't say for sure.. everyone is different. It's taking me quite a while to get through it all. Even though I'm finding some peace, seeing my ex for a few hours yesterday certainly brought emotions back to the surface. At this point I am going to go NC... totally, for my own sake. I don't think I hope for reconciliation anymore but part of me is still pretty damn PO'd...
bestadvisor Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I can't say for sure.. everyone is different. It's taking me quite a while to get through it all. Even though I'm finding some peace, seeing my ex for a few hours yesterday certainly brought emotions back to the surface. At this point I am going to go NC... totally, for my own sake. I don't think I hope for reconciliation anymore but part of me is still pretty damn PO'd... Did you ever found out if she had another man? What about now, is she involved?
sumdude Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Did you ever found out if she had another man? What about now, is she involved? If anything you are persistant... when I saw her yesterday she did say she started seeing someone a few weeks ago.. but this isn't my thread.
Author T L Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I can't say for sure.. everyone is different. It's taking me quite a while to get through it all. Even though I'm finding some peace, seeing my ex for a few hours yesterday certainly brought emotions back to the surface. At this point I am going to go NC... totally, for my own sake. I don't think I hope for reconciliation anymore but part of me is still pretty damn PO'd... I think that unless you truly have to stay in contact (kids etc), it must only make it harder staying in contact. Maybe some people can do it and maybe it depends on the circumstances of the split, I know I dont plan on staying in contact when I dont have to.
sumdude Posted November 13, 2007 Posted November 13, 2007 I think that unless you truly have to stay in contact (kids etc), it must only make it harder staying in contact. Maybe some people can do it and maybe it depends on the circumstances of the split, I know I dont plan on staying in contact when I dont have to. Ironically, since that last post we've been e-mailing a bit. Maybe she and I have found a peace of a sort at this point. Finally got some things out on the table now that we've calmed down that maybe needed to happen... who knows I'm just wingin' it.
Author T L Posted November 13, 2007 Author Posted November 13, 2007 Ironically, since that last post we've been e-mailing a bit. Maybe she and I have found a peace of a sort at this point. Finally got some things out on the table now that we've calmed down that maybe needed to happen... who knows I'm just wingin' it. Sumdude, I wish you well and will keep ready your posts.
hopeful26 Posted November 14, 2007 Posted November 14, 2007 Sorry to hear about this. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Hell, I'm still working through it! Keep your head up, put one foot in front of the other, and realize it's her not you. Wish I didn't have to say this, but I speak from experience. Lots of great people here at LS, plenty of support, just keep posting.
Author T L Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 During the week I had to give the W a nudge(by text) so that she would come and pick up her belongings this weekend. When I spoke to her on the phone she got quite angry about what we would do with the wedding gifts and also that I had asked a friend to house sit while she got her stuff. I didnt want to keep anything from the wedding, I already asked W to take her dress, photo album and the dvds when she moved out. I didnt really want her to have any of the dinner service stuff as it seemed wrong that she would use stuff bought by friends and family for us as a couple in whatever future life she has planned. I suggested maybe donating them to charity, she said that 'the dinner service was never even used', I replied 'no we didnt get a chance to use it'. Anyway in the end I decided that she can have it all if it means that much to her. At the end of the conversation I told her that if all the legal stuff went through without complication, we wont have to communicate anymore. She said again that she wants to keep in touch and see how im doing etc, I told her I dont want that. I got a bit emotional on the phone and W had the nerve to ask me if i was still thinking about what had happened!, funny that....its been five weeks and im not not completely over my newly wed wife s******g around on me and leaving! The W did pick up her stuff today, I thought it was going to be easier to see everything gone and be the next step in moving on, but it was still emotional and I had a cry, probably the biggest one yet. Its frustrating crying over someone who doesnt merit the tears. Hopefully this is just one of those rollercoaster moments as I had started to feel more positive.
Author T L Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 Not sure how i am going to feel in the future living in the house we rennovated together, probably too many memories. Plan to stay here until my emotions settle down some, then maybe look at downsizing. Is that what other LS'ers have done, does anyone stay in the ex-marital home long term?
LostinBama Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Not sure how i am going to feel in the future living in the house we rennovated together, probably too many memories. Plan to stay here until my emotions settle down some, then maybe look at downsizing. Is that what other LS'ers have done, does anyone stay in the ex-marital home long term? I have been thinking about the same thing here. The house seems like a mausoleum now. A reminder of a marriage that died. I hate apartment life though, so I am interested to hear other viewpoints too. Hang in there, I know how you feel.
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