Terrible end to a bad year

[T L]

This is tough, this time last year we were planning our wedding when some things came to light about my GF, she had been texting a guy from a different town for almost a year. When I say texting, at one point it was 100 texts a day. I didnt know the guy or anything about it until 4 months before the wedding.

 

When confronted she said she didnt know why she did it, maybe for the excitement, but she said nothing physical had happened, she said she had met him only once. She said it was a bit of flirting, they never said they loved each other never made plans to be together.

 

I was in pieces, we had been together for 6 years, I had trusted her 100% and I never thought she would deceive me.

 

She said if I left her she would beg for me back, she didnt have to beg though, I didnt want to lose what we had. For once in my life rather than sharing a problem with my family I felt that I should try and deal with it myself, I thought if we could make it work they need not be hurt by this as well. I checked us in to relationship counseling and we talked a lot. I asked her if this had happened as she had doubts about the wedding, she said no. I asked if we should postpone the wedding she said 'no, if we postponed it she wouldnt want to get married at all'.

 

We had to wait for an appointment for counseling, so when we started attending we were within 3 months of the wedding, with the invitations already sent.

The counseling didnt go well, my GF wouldnt open up and the counselor basically said we wouldnt get anything from it if both of us were not committed to it. It got really tough when the counselor suggested we postpone the wedding and work on things, I knew she was right but my GF said this meant I did not want to marry her.

 

I suppose I buried my head in the sand, we got married, an amazing day, a big wedding like my GF wanted, an amazing honeymoon.

 

Six months of real life, work, summer holidays.

 

Six months on from the wedding, last Saturday, she tells me she thinks its over and has been having a relationship with someone she works with for just over a month. 'She loves me but is not in love, its her not me', they do still say that?

Even then though she was asking if I could forgive her, trying to hold me.

 

I am devastated. I don’t understand.

 

We could have had every thing, we had a great house, no money problems, great families. I can now see signs that certain things weren’t right for a long time, but I thought its real life, nothing is ever perfect, I was always happy together and thought she was too, why didn’t she tell me?, that’s all she had to do and we could have tried to work on things. Its such an ugly end to 7 years together. I never thought she was capable of hurting me like this.

 

All my family and friends are devastated and can not make sense of what has happened either. Her family do not even recognise their own daughter.

 

It’s a week in now, its hell, I know it will get better, know im better off without her, but the pain is immense, it just was so unnecessary, she picked the most painful, hurtful way to do this.

[Gunny376]

Dump her like a bad habit!

 

Its her! Not you!

 

Some women constantly need to know they're "deseirable" and "wanted" ~ "needed"

 

They can never be satisfied! Its never enough!

 

No matter what you do!

 

Its not you! Its her insecurities about herself!

[T L]

Thank you Gunny.

 

I know its over, I know its a case of getting on with it but its still so hard.

 

This is the only long term relationship I have had, she was the only girl I had ever wanted to be close to, which probably doesnt help as I have never experienced a breakup at all, let alone such an ugly move.

 

So many things are going on in my head the whys, what ifs, fears about the future, would I ever meet anybody else?, would I want to? could I ever trust them?

 

I was on my own for a long time before, I know I can be happy like that, I just didnt want to be on my own I wanted to be with her.

[T L]

Does anyone have any advice about how to get through a mess like this?

[Gunny376]

Yea!

 

First you've got to understand that "motion" precedes "emotion"

 

That means?

 

You get up this morning and put one foot on the floor and then the other ~ and then you stand up, then you move! One step in front of the other!

 

You don't feel like it, but you move!

 

First its one foot in front of the other!

 

Its like having an emotional ~ mental stroke?

 

You've got to re-learn how to walk and talk!

 

Its like having a stroke!

 

You've got to motivate yourself! You've got to want to get better, do better, get back to the best of what you once were! You've got to work at it! You've got to want it!

 

And that's very much what this is?!

 

A mental-emotional "stroke"

 

You've got to want to live, damnit! You've got to re-embrace Life! To re-engage yourself in and with Life!

[buckdawg]

yeah dude it sucks like a dog but you'll get through it. just have faith in yourself and you can do it. plus this place is great therapy.

 

that chick is a total witch and in a year you will be thanking her for dumping you. she sounds like a rudderless ship and that is a very shallow existence.

[T L]

Thanks guys, I am lucky I have my friends and family for support and I know LS will help too.

 

Just got rid of some personal stuff she had given me over ther years, notes and stuff, was tempted to store it, but burnt it instead, wont be needing it.

 

In time maybe I will be able to think of the good times and not automatically think of the bad to? Dont know if this is possible?

 

We have to decide what is happening about our house, I am here and she is back with her parents, but I really shouldnt have to see her again in person which will be better.

 

I have started individual counseling and I start a new job tomorrow so as Gunny says I need to put one foot in front of the other.

[Melovator]

Sometimes the putting one foot in front of the other is hard and you have to fake it until you make it.

 

To me it sounds like your W wanted the great big wedding and more important: all the ATTENTION that comes with it. Some women- girls really, get sucked into the fairy princess reality and don't leave it after the honeymoon... they've become accustomed to the attention and continue to act like prima donnas.

 

Clearly she has a great deal of growing up to do but some Bridezillas never do...

 

You, though have a great opportunity to build yourself a drama free life- 'cause I'm betting she likes a bit of drama- and can do with it whatever you bloody well want- have fun! and it will seem weird at first but get out and about- not dating like- just not alone all the time... hang out with friends, take a course, exercise- they're not just distractions, they're also really good for your mental health!

[learn2live]

Going into the 2 and half month faze and **** is really tough. Stay active and get out and do stuff for yourself. That part about faking it some days is very true also..

[jmargel]

Legally I think you might be able to get an annullment so that you don't have to worry about splitting the house with her. Good chance she had money on her mind when she married you. She had this all setup for awhile in her head. You really don't even know another person, one might think they do but in all reality that's not the case.

 

For yourself, look up the five stages of grief. It will give you an outline on what to expect. There is no timeline to get over such a thing, for some it takes weeks, others it takes month or years. You can't fix her, she can only fix herself and by her not wanting to talk in counseling shows you that she's not ready. Her immaturity and selfishness is shining through. At least you don't have children involved in this.

 

Start setting short-term goals for yourself. There are decent women out there so try not to become jaded by this. If she begs to come back, don't fall for it. She needs to make major changes to herself otherwise you'll be put back into this situation.

 

By the way, your wife was ready for the wedding, not the marriage. That's where her immaturity shows.

[T L]

Started my new job this week, which seems good, I think it will help me, but the first thing I wanted to do was call her and tell her how well it was going (I didnt obviously, although she did text me asking, I didnt reply), we havnt spoken for a week since we sorted out some joint paperwork.

 

My emotions are very up and down, I actually had two strong days towards the end of the week, then broke down when I started thinking about our honymoon six short months ago. Its frustrating as I am going through this, feeling like this about someone who has been so deceitful and treated me so badly. I dont expect it to be easy after 6/7 years of good times comes to an end, It would be weird not to feel anything at all, I know I am mourning the loss of the person I thought she was.

 

On my journey home from work last night, I thought to myself that I am going through this as I am the strong one and I can make it, I will feel better, I will be happy, she took the cowards way out, rather than talking things through, working on things or just ending it there and then, she waited until she had her exit route, the OM, giving her the easy transition.

 

The five stages of grief thing is weird, in that I can feel denial on waking, then anger later on in the day and the other emotions in between.

 

My friends took me out for a meal last night, the first time I have been out socially since the split two weeks ago, I didnt really want to go, and it was tough, but I got through that and the next time I see them it will be better. Most of them have new born babies or have partners that are expecting.....a stage where I thought we might be in a years time....thats the denial talking I guess, if we had a child this would be infinately harder.

 

I heard about a local guy, year older than me, terminal cancer diagnosed a few weeks ago, he wont see Christmas, wife, young family, life can be so cruel, you really do have to squeeze out every ounce of happiness while you can, not many of us do that though.

 

Have some things to do this weekend, will be busy, actually having to turn down offers from friends(going to sports match) as many of them are suggesting we do stuff, then second week at work, then next weekend, and it will continue like that for a while I guess until things start feeling better.

 

I woke up this morning dreaming of holding her, In my dreams its not over yet, In my dreams I dont see her for what she really is, will it take longer to get her out of my dreams than my waking thoughts?

[T L]

PS its a beautiful sunny autumn morning outside!

[T L]

I have also been struck by the ironies in things this morning.

 

I stored the bbq which was a wedding gift, the same one I used last weekend to burn all the love notes she had given to me.

 

I was tidying up before the estate agent came to value the house, he was the same guy we bought the house from four years ago.

 

I guess there will be a lot of things like that.

[Woggle]

You should have saw the red flags before the wedding but since you didn't I suggest you get a good lawyer and I agree with the annulment thing. Since it is less than a year you might not have to give her anything.

[lostboy60645]

Kudos for doing the right thing, for feeling your pain and for not trying to escape by way of alcohol, drugs, or a new girlfriend.

 

It's likely that you'll find out where there was a disconnect between you and your wife once you dig some with the therapist. That will be an important part of your recovery and eventually will serve you well in your next healthy long term relationship.

 

Take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself, and keep coming back here...

[T L]

You should have saw the red flags before the wedding but since you didn't I suggest you get a good lawyer and I agree with the annulment thing. Since it is less than a year you might not have to give her anything.

 

Unfourtunately, the local law means there is no annulment and I cant file for divorce until one year after the wedding (which was six months ago).

 

The house was paid for jointly so that can be split fairly. Once the house is sorted out my lawyer can prepare all the divorce paperwork ready for the one year anniversary, hopefully it will all be processed within a month or two after that. Im hoping im in a lot better shape by then.

 

The day after she told me she was leaving and that she had been having an affair, I told her about about how the divorce would work (and that I could state it was due to adultery) and she broke down crying...but surely she had made that the only course of action for me, what did she expect?

 

I have a bottle of champagne as a wedding gift, which we were keeping for the first anniversary, looks like i will be drinking it at my divorce party now!

 

Im planning the divorce and I still have groceries in the refridgerator we bought together a couple of weeks ago, this is messed up.

[jmargel]

Though you are going through a rough time things will work out in the end. Back in 2000 my brother was diagnosed with cancer. It happened out of the blue and totally unexpected. However he was determined to fight even after they misdiagnosed him at stage 4 (when it was only stage 2). As of now he's been cancer free for 6 years now.

 

When things like that happen and the experience you are going through it really shows you what is really important in life. Not to take anything for granted and one day she will realize this. I have been kind of in your shoes, my ex-fiancee cheated on me a few months before our wedding and 5 years later my wife (a different woman) cheated on me during our first year of marriage.

 

We can only control what we do, not what they will do. Part of love is allowing yourself to be vulenerable to another and at times you can get hurt by it. I guess the reason why love can hurt so much is the same reason why it feels so good when you fall into it.

 

I would recommend individual counseling so that you are not alone. During my situation with my ex-fiancee my depression slowly got worse until I was suicidal. You don't realize how far you are really into this rut until one day it hits you like that. Right now is the toughest part, just try not to romantize the past with her, listen to slow songs or any of that mushy stuff. Don't let this hit your own self-worth, because she would have done this to anyone she was with. This is due to her immaturity and her selfishness. She's not a bad person but has made a very bad mistake. It's upto her to find the help she needs and to understand what she is doing not just to you but to herself as well.

[smokiejjj]

It is tough but it does get better with time.

 

Make sure you look after your assets. Get everything out of joint accounts and into your name. Don't spend it for revenge just safe keep it. Your wife sounds unstable and selfish so she could easy squander the money. Get a will made up with all your assets payable to your parents or brother or sister or charity - anything you want. Otherwise if you die it all goes to her. Cancel any credit cards you both share. Get all important docs out of the house. I put mine in the trunk of my car - but if you have a friend keep them at his house. Get some counseling for yourself and some anti-depressants. Do small things everyday even if you feel like not doing them. If you have a 401k and you can change beneficiary do that if possible. Dude remember this - you are better off without her - there are many, many, many women out there.

 

Good Luck!

Steve.

[Melovator]

Clean out your fridge mate and fill it with beer and steaks! If you can't stand the thought of using the wedding gift barbie and can afford it- buy yourself the biggest, most masculine one you can get and then invite your mates around and make burnt offerings to the barbecue gods (very important local deities down here!).

 

And jmargel and smokiejjj are both right about individual counselling, seriously look into it. Take care.

[T L]

It is tough but it does get better with time.

 

Get a will made up with all your assets payable to your parents or brother or sister or charity - anything you want. Otherwise if you die it all goes to her. Cancel any credit cards you both share. Get all important docs out of the house. I put mine in the trunk of my car - but if you have a friend keep them at his house. .

 

 

Thanks that is good advice, Ill go and get a will made up tomorrow.

 

Its ironic but a couple of days before she dropped the bombshell I was filling in a "Death in service" benefits form for my new job and put her name down as the beneficiary. I then had to cross it out on my first day at work. Ive taken all financial stuff to my parents house for safekeeping.

[T L]

Clean out your fridge mate and fill it with beer and steaks! If you can't stand the thought of using the wedding gift barbie and can afford it- buy yourself the biggest, most masculine one you can get and then invite your mates around and make burnt offerings to the barbecue gods (very important local deities down here!).

 

And jmargel and smokiejjj are both right about individual counselling, seriously look into it. Take care.

 

 

Thanks for the support and good advice guys.

 

I had an initial counselling session, Im on the waiting list for a regular session but it might take another couple of weeks for a spot to come up.

[Mrs Chad Mostats]

This is tough, this time last year we were planning our wedding when some things came to light about my GF, she had been texting a guy from a different town for almost a year. When I say texting, at one point it was 100 texts a day. I didnt know the guy or anything about it until 4 months before the wedding.

 

When confronted she said she didnt know why she did it, maybe for the excitement, but she said nothing physical had happened, she said she had met him only once. She said it was a bit of flirting, they never said they loved each other never made plans to be together.

 

I was in pieces, we had been together for 6 years, I had trusted her 100% and I never thought she would deceive me.

 

She said if I left her she would beg for me back, she didnt have to beg though, I didnt want to lose what we had. For once in my life rather than sharing a problem with my family I felt that I should try and deal with it myself, I thought if we could make it work they need not be hurt by this as well. I checked us in to relationship counseling and we talked a lot. I asked her if this had happened as she had doubts about the wedding, she said no. I asked if we should postpone the wedding she said 'no, if we postponed it she wouldnt want to get married at all'.

 

We had to wait for an appointment for counseling, so when we started attending we were within 3 months of the wedding, with the invitations already sent.

The counseling didnt go well, my GF wouldnt open up and the counselor basically said we wouldnt get anything from it if both of us were not committed to it. It got really tough when the counselor suggested we postpone the wedding and work on things, I knew she was right but my GF said this meant I did not want to marry her.

 

I suppose I buried my head in the sand, we got married, an amazing day, a big wedding like my GF wanted, an amazing honeymoon.

 

Six months of real life, work, summer holidays.

 

Six months on from the wedding, last Saturday, she tells me she thinks its over and has been having a relationship with someone she works with for just over a month. 'She loves me but is not in love, its her not me', they do still say that?

Even then though she was asking if I could forgive her, trying to hold me.

 

I am devastated. I don’t understand.

 

We could have had every thing, we had a great house, no money problems, great families. I can now see signs that certain things weren’t right for a long time, but I thought its real life, nothing is ever perfect, I was always happy together and thought she was too, why didn’t she tell me?, that’s all she had to do and we could have tried to work on things. Its such an ugly end to 7 years together. I never thought she was capable of hurting me like this.

 

All my family and friends are devastated and can not make sense of what has happened either. Her family do not even recognise their own daughter.

 

It’s a week in now, its hell, I know it will get better, know im better off without her, but the pain is immense, it just was so unnecessary, she picked the most painful, hurtful way to do this.

Sometimes misery loves company. I rushed into a relationship and sadly once the chase was over my husband completely shut me out went through spells of I love and then the following day he would go to work and send me an e-mail telling me he wanted me to go back to Las Vegas where we met.

We did everything right and they are the ones to blame. Just think that you will get through it and be happy and she will go onto another victim.

Sadly people that mess with other people's emotions like that are unhappy themselves and will never figure it out.

Good luck with getting over her and rebuilding your life.

[smokiejjj]

Thanks for the support and good advice guys.

 

I had an initial counselling session, Im on the waiting list for a regular session but it might take another couple of weeks for a spot to come up.

 

It will be really hard no matter what .. really, really hard .. no hiding from it only thing is will get better eventually.

[T L]

It will be really hard no matter what .. really, really hard .. no hiding from it only thing is will get better eventually.

 

 

It is hard, I dont expect it to be different, but then I get annoyed with myself for feeling like this about someone who has done what she has, esp as she is probably out having a whale of a time.

 

Its her birthday this weekend which is already making me feel bad, its the first one of 'our' anniversaries to come round.

 

I am able to function, going to work etc, and I am eating ok (mums cooking), but its on my mind every waking minute, from the moment I wake, sometimes dreaming about her, to when I go to bed after posting about all this on LS. I dont know if this is normal in this situation, I am waiting for my individual counselling, but I have read a bit on CB therapy and might investigate that. I would try anything that might help a bit, but I know theres no escaping how hard its going to be, and its only been three weeks.

 

To be honest if I hadnt found out last year about the texting, and I was completey in the dark, I cant bear to imagine how I would be taking it now. I did get a big red flag, but I guess I was so scared and hoped what I was being told by my W was the truth I went ahead with the wedding.

 

I suppose you judge people by your own standards and I had never been jealous or doubted my W up to that point last year, so it came as a massive blow, I basically kept going into some sort of shock, shaking uncontrollably and stuff, maybe that prepared me a bit in some way for now? My W on the other hand was jealous at times, not in a really bad way, but she would need to know who I received texts from and would sometimes get annoyed if women looked at me..... you see, judging by your own standards?

 

My W charmed absolutely everybody (which can be a bad thing I see now), but family (hers and mine) and friends are in shock, because everyone thought she was so sweet and down to earth, no 'side' to her, not high maintenance. She was my baby, leaving notes for me to find saying 'come and cuddle me' and stuff like that, she was always more of a sweety than overtly sexual if that makes sense? That just makes it harder to come to terms with. Its scary but I guess everyone has that capacity for infidelity if they are in a certain place in their lives/relationship, thats not saying that I would forgive or condone it.

 

We did put our relationship under a lot of pressure, we completley rennovated our first house, doing all the work ourselves, which was not a wine and roses way of starting to live together. But that was three years ago. Saying that we never really argued that much, never seriously, living together neither of us were perfect, neither of us were bad, we are both very easy going.

 

My W was never communicative about what she wanted or needed from the relationship though, which I only realised too late. I can see now she checked out well before the wedding, I can also see how it would have been difficult for her to break it off before the wedding and maybe she hoped she would feel differently after. Like many of the stories on LS its often already too late when these things manifest themselves unless both parties are really willing to try and make it work. I find it a shame though, I believe that when you take those wedding vows, you owe it everything to make it work, if you try everything and you still cant make it work, well maybe then its time to call it a day. For some it is just easier to move on I guess, but unless we recognize our behaviour surely we are doomed to repeat the same patterns.

 

On a more positive note I am going to join a new gym at the weekend, we had a joint gym membership, and although my W thought it would be ok to still bump into each other regularly at the gym! I had different ideas.

 

Thats enough of my venting, I think I have worn the keys out on my keyboard! goodnight.

[smokiejjj]

I was having a lot of trouble sleeping when my wife moved out - I'm much better now. Go to a doctor if you are having trouble sleeping and they will give you some sleeping pills temporarily - this helps. My doc gave me like 2 weeks worth.