jsavage Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I need to sound-off to see if I'm thinking correctly or not. I've been with a woman for about a year, the last 9 months or so we've been living together because I had to move for my job and we still wanted to date. She wants marriage and I don't feel ready, so she got upset this last weekend and moved out. I talked to her a few nights ago I told her that she's free to leave and that although that's not what I want I wouldn't stop her if she chooses to leave. She's saying she's upset with me because she doesn't think that I'm truly in love with her because I'm not willing to do anything to be with her. She thinks that because I'm not running after her and begging her to come back it means she's not the right one for me. From my point of view that type of thinking is based solely in emotion and for me a relationship has to be about more than just how you feel about each other. I do love & miss her and I would love for things to go back to the way they were but I can't turn into this type of person that she's saying I should be if I really loved her. She thinks that when you meet the "right" one you're supposed to feel this way, and maybe you are - I don't really know. I just know that I can't imagine myself ever acting that way. Can I get your opinions? Am I being to realistic about love?
ItIs Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well, I certainly hope you can't imagine yourself acting in that way. Tell her to get a lap dog, if that's what she wants.
gonetildecember Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 IMO a year isn't a long time for her to wait for you to marry her. I don't think you are being unreasonable in that you want to take a little more time. I'm sure your reasons aren't that you don't love her, but that you realise that a working, commited, long lasting relationship exists beyond the honeymoon phase and that maybe you just need some more time before you're ready to settle in. Her claim that if you're in love with someone you should be willing to do anything to be with them is a good line, and possibly true in some situations- but in terms of marriage which is a big commitment, i don't really think it applies, especially after a year... if you're not ready to make that commitment. Who wants a bf who jumps into something out of obligation/guilt....and then ends up leaving you a year later because he really wasn't ready and is no longer happy?
Pentula77 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 "sweety, if we're still going strong after three years...I'll consider marriage" If she doesn't like it tough...adios baby. If you have any doubts have a read of all the posts regarding broken marriages under break ups and ask yourself if you want to be in that situation. At the moment she is acting unreasonable which is a red flag. You have to make sure she's a keeper and 2 years isn't enough imo.
Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well, I just got dumped by a man who told me we that although had great emotional, physical and mental chemistry, he didn't think I was the girl for him because he didn't "hurt when I wasn't around". I'm with you on this one, I won't let anyone tell me that I don't really love because I remain rational and hold onto my sense of self in a relationship. I'm looking for love where we're both complete unto ourselves and happy, but we make each other happier.
Author jsavage Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Thank you for the replies. This is the first time she's moved away but she's threatened to before when we argue and she hears anything she doesn't like. I think she feels I'm obligated since she moved here to be with me. I'm a pretty reserved person but I usually have a pretty solid idea of what I want and I have a hard time getting into something I'm not comfortable with. I don't "fight", I argue and explain how I feel but I keep calm and she gets very upset when she argues. She's kind of a fire cracker. It's difficult to really talk to her because she angers so easily and then runs away. She wants me to decide whether we're going to stay together or not and I'm honestly thinking of not moving back in together and spending more time apart. That might be the wrong thing for the relationship because I feel she'll leave for good if I tell her that but the way she's been behaving has made me a little skittish on continuing. She's in LA right now, she went there with a guy friend we both have hung out with before. Neither of us know him very well. I think it's is just a game she's playing to get a reaction from me - but I don't know for sure. I know people don't change and I don't want to set out on an impossible mission to change her, so I'm really struggling. I love her and that's what is making this hard for me. My gut's telling me to end it but my heart wants her back.
jcster Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 This is the first time she's moved away but she's threatened to before when we argue and she hears anything she doesn't like. I think she feels I'm obligated since she moved here to be with me. That is manipulation, pure and simple. She's kind of a fire cracker. It's difficult to really talk to her because she angers so easily and then runs away. Again, I think that this is an attempt to manipulate you. It's hard to make a point when the other person is screaming and running away. Usually the person who screams loudest wins, because it's just too much trouble to deal with. She wants me to decide whether we're going to stay together or not Why you? So it's "on you" if it doesn't work out? Has she said that she wants to stay together? and I'm honestly thinking of not moving back in together and spending more time apart. That might be the wrong thing for the relationship because I feel she'll leave for good if I tell her that but the way she's been behaving has made me a little skittish on continuing. I think you should listen to your gut - it sounds like it's over already - especially when you take this into account: She's in LA right now, she went there with a guy friend we both have hung out with before. Neither of us know him very well. I think it's is just a game she's playing to get a reaction from me - but I don't know for sure. Honestly, if you take her right back after doing this, then the terrorists have won. I know people don't change and I don't want to set out on an impossible mission to change her, so I'm really struggling. You're absolutely right about that. I love her and that's what is making this hard for me. My gut's telling me to end it but my heart wants her back. I've loved many people that I couldn't live with. Go with your gut, it's never wrong.
JCD Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Marriage after a year of being together is too soon. Three years is a good time frame. From what you wrote about her she seems to me to be childish. If she doesn't get what she wants she throws tantrums. That's not a good woman to be with. She's manipulative. I would let her vent her anger by not talking to her for couple days and see if she comes back wiser.
Pentula77 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Quute; "I'm a pretty reserved person but I usually have a pretty solid idea of what I want and I have a hard time getting into something I'm not comfortable with. I don't "fight", I argue and explain how I feel but I keep calm and she gets very upset when she argues." Bingo...Thats how to be a Man fellas. stand your ground sparten....don't put up with the bs. As other posters have stated she's using anger tantrums as manipulation... "sweety my world is serenity and anger is not a part of it. the choice is yours"
WaterTiger Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 She's in LA right now, she went there with a guy friend... Let her STAY in LA with the rest of the Drama Queens! This girl is an idiot, manipulative and has some Harliquin Romance Novel idea of what life is supposed to be like. Let her "guy friend" deal with her from now on. DO NOT take her back when she comes around. DON'T CALL, DON'T E-MAIL, NO communication. If she calls tell her what a nice sweet girl moved in next door.... Say...is her guy friend with or without benifits?
Author jsavage Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 I don't know what she wants to do. She says she doesn't know and that she thinks she should leave but doesn't want to because she loves me. But part of me feels that all of this is just a big game to get me to do what she wants, so I don't know. A little more info, she's foreign and has overstayed her visa. She's said the only reason she stayed is for me, so the situation is a bit unique in that if she leaves for good she'll be barred from coming back to the US. The guy she's in LA with is from the same country as her so I really don't know if there's anything between them or not. I know when we both have hung out with him she couldn't stop talking about how annoying he was. Here's the thing though, if the situation were reversed and I was to head somewhere with a girl "friend", she would absolutely fall apart. I know she would be hurt. People don't do things to other people they wouldn't want done to themselves unless they just don't care or they're intentionally trying to hurt that person. So it doesn't really bother me that she ran off with this guy, more that it feels to me like she's trying to hurt me - which to me is a bad bad sign.
Trialbyfire Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 A year is too soon to expect "the big step". I also don't agree with her actions of going elsewhere with a friend, although if he's a platonic friend, are you being paranoid? Also, she's free to do whatever she wants, since the two of you are no longer together. I do see this in a different light. She wants something that she defined. You don't want the same thing and have set a hard line. She has every right to move out and find someone who has the same or similar goals in life. You cannot control her actions just because you want her back. She cannot control your actions so she left and is now in control of her own actions.
birdie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 just to give you insight from a slightly more fiery person's perspective: posts like the ones above make me feel guilty because I know I lose my temper as well sometimes and say things I don't mean. it's not meant to be about manipulation though, I behave like that when I feel disappointed and frustrated (rightly or wrongly). it could be that she has a hard time dealing with certain things. where is she from? only asking because other cultures are different. if she is south american for example then I know they tend to get married quicker than Americans or us Europeans. maybe this is about expectations?
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