Author Kerewin Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks StaringContest I understand those who told me to "walk away", but I just think it's easier said than done under the circumstances. So....for now I'm staying, as long as I remember that there's gonna be times in the next few weeks when I'm going to have to put his needs first, much as that sucks after getting dumped. Tough though--I'm trying maintain hoping for change without EXPECTING change.
Author Kerewin Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Just wanted to thank ALL of you for keeping me occupied this past week (and therefore not calling my ex). He called me wanting to "hang out" (we all know what that means). Nicely told him I wished he'd let me know earlier in the week, as my weekend was planned. He seemed VERY dissapointed. It's great to be working under these new rules.
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I'm going to equate infatuation with chemistry. Why? That's like saying a knife wound is the same thing as a gunshot. I'm seeing a woman now, have been for the past 3 months. She calls me all the time, tells me she loves me...fills my refrigerator with Hallmark cards. THAT's infatuation. I like her, I'm attracted to her, I enjoy being with her, doing things with her, having sex with her. That's chemistry.. The imbalance in our relationship may cause us problems down the line, but that's off topic...
Darkzen Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Infatuation is when we fool ourselves into believing a fantasy. It's innocence, nothing more, nothing less. It's a romantic concept that doesn't exist, due to reality. It fades when you start to see people outside of the fantasy you created in your head. The sooner people realize this, the sooner they can find a mate and a partner. To hold people up to ridiculous standards is unfair to them and yourself. Nobody is perfect, I'm sure we can all agree on this right? So why the hell do we think people are perfect when it comes to love? Like anything new, we all feel that apprehension and nervousness at first. Once we become comfortable with this new thing, we lose that feeling. Sometimes it's sooner, rather than later, but it eventually goes away. Anyone who claims to feel the butterflies in the tummy after a few years is either insane or never really got to know the person they're with. Most long term relationships work, because those involved realized this and were together for real reasons... not a BS fantasy. "In love" isn't love, nor is it a good enough reason to be in a relationship. Love, care, respect, commitment, communication, etc... are all reasons to be in a relationship. Infatuation is for little kids and first loves. It's nice to have it, but not a requirement for a relationship... it's actually a bad thing most of the time, because while infatuated, you lose most of your reason and logic.
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 It's nice to have it, but not a requirement for a relationship... it's actually a bad thing most of the time, because while infatuated, you lose most of your reason and logic. It's a bad thing, especially if one sided, because the resultant clingyness and possessiveness can and probably will drive the other person away.
Author Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 OP here. Nice to see two guys who "get it". Although I wasn't infatuated, I behaved as though I were because I thought he needed me to be extra-available because of what he was going through. I care for him, I think we're a good match, but I'm not in high school---I'm looking for a partner who I can look at clear-eyed and still know they're good for me. Now that I figured out my being so available made me less desirable in his eyes, I'm behaving like I usually do in a relationship. As a consequence, he's initiating MORE contact with me.
wizer Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Now that I figured out my being so available made me less desirable in his eyes, I'm behaving like I usually do in a relationship. As a consequence, he's initiating MORE contact with me. The unattainable is always the most desirable.
Author Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 True, Wizer. For a while, because he and I were such good friends as well as lovers, I forgot that and relaxed about where we were at WAY too early in the relationship.
Darkzen Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 OP here. Nice to see two guys who "get it". Although I wasn't infatuated, I behaved as though I were because I thought he needed me to be extra-available because of what he was going through. I care for him, I think we're a good match, but I'm not in high school---I'm looking for a partner who I can look at clear-eyed and still know they're good for me. Now that I figured out my being so available made me less desirable in his eyes, I'm behaving like I usually do in a relationship. As a consequence, he's initiating MORE contact with me. Too bad, my ex left me because she wasn't "in love" with me any more (after nine years, it only took me 1 year to lose that feeling). People can be so clueless at times. I'm actually glad it's over though, I felt as though a weight had been lifted off of me. She wasn't right for me, but I got complacent and didn't want to start over. I actually see that there's so much better out there now. The "grass is greener" approach she took is going to be pure enjoyment for me. Especially when she realizes what she lost. I can guarantee that no one else is going to put up, with even a quarter of her ****. She's going to end up exactly like she always said she would... a cat lady (i.e. a single old women with a bunch of cats). Infatuation is a bunch of crap. It's time for people to start living in reality. Just like when we tell children that they can be whatever they want to be... it's a nice concept and might be possible for a select few, just not the majority of them. Yeah, I'm cynical. See the concern written across my face?
Author Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Darkzen, you've been most helpful. And if that photo is of you, you will have your pick of women and should certainly be able to find someone more compatible.
Darkzen Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Darkzen, you've been most helpful. And if that photo is of you, you will have your pick of women and should certainly be able to find someone more compatible. Yeah that's me, about 9 years ago. I'm still trying to get back to there though. After the Army, I gained a good 60 lbs... still have about 20-30lbs to shed still. Between ju-jitsu and the gym, I'll be good within a month or two. I'm a lot more heavily muscled since that photo though, been lifting for the past two years fairly consistently... I just never shredded. Like in that picture I was 235lbs, I'm about 280lbs now, but should be about 250-255lbs for my build. I'm naturally a large person, even with a six pack, the least I weighed was 215lbs (I'm also an inch taller now though and at about 25-26 I filled out my frame a little). I was 300lbs when I played semi-pro football last year, most people guessed I weighed 250-260lbs by looking at me... the only people that guessed my weight correctly, were the guys I played against on the field. I may have looked like a 250lber, but I felt like a 300lber. Back before I met my ex, I did have my pick of women... I really should've played the field a little more... it seemed too good to be true and it was. Oh well, we live and learn.
Author Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Well, Darkzen--I know from my trainer that the cut/ shredded thing is a combo of genetics/ obsessive dieting---not possible for most (nor considered attractive by most women I know, so I hope that's not a motivation). Anyway--guy im'd me about being bored at work. Im'd back "good morning, but I'm terribly busy". Not being coy---it's true. In the past though, I would've made an effort to entertain him, even if it meant I wound up behind the 8 ball a bit; feels good to remember who I am again.
Darkzen Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Well, Darkzen--I know from my trainer that the cut/ shredded thing is a combo of genetics/ obsessive dieting---not possible for most (nor considered attractive by most women I know, so I hope that's not a motivation). Anyway--guy im'd me about being bored at work. Im'd back "good morning, but I'm terribly busy". Not being coy---it's true. In the past though, I would've made an effort to entertain him, even if it meant I wound up behind the 8 ball a bit; feels good to remember who I am again. I'm not looking to get an unhealthy body fat percentage, just toned again. Being ripped is way too much work/effort (a body-builder in the off-season vs competition time, for example). Besides, I'm quite knowledgeable when it comes to fitness. Genetically, I'm barrel-chested with large/heavy bones (Russian and Polish decent primarily). I'm an imposing figure even when thin, many guys much larger than myself (in muscle mass and height) call me "big man". I can't even count how many times I've been offered work as a bouncer. Yeah, finding yourself is definitely a very rewarding feeling. I look at what I had become in my previous relationship and I'm a bit disgusted. I became introverted, lost motivation to do pretty much anything, lost a lot of my confidence, became bitter, etc... I believe you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Time to start showing myself love again
Author Kerewin Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Lol--didn't mean to imply you didn't know what you were doing workout wise. Hope it didn't come across that way. Apologies if it did. Yup, finding myself has been good. Maybe was a bit too "oh whatever you want honey" cause then I figured I'd be too sweet to leave and, again, thought he needed someone putting his needs first all the time for a while. (Insert 20/20 hindsight "ugh" here). But really, doormats are boring right? Figure if he's going to say "meh--not so much", it's gonna be to the real type A Alpha I normally am. At the very least, I going to shake him up a bit.
Darkzen Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I didn't take it that way, I just like to clarify and try to fully explain things. Being challenged is a good thing, who the hell wants to be bored all the time. My ex was a bitch most of the time, but she wasn't strong-willed. I guess she was more of a brat than a bitch. She didn't communicate what she was thinking, she would just take it until it got to be too much, then throw a tantrum, lashing out at whoever was in her path.
shadowplay Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Unique one, I hear what you're saying. And for the most part I agree. By "games", I meant always being available for his phone calls and for last minute dates. I wish it weren't true, but I think HUMAN (Not just male) nature is a bit competitive, and puts a premium on what's scarce/ hard to obtain. And I do want him back, and I'm wondering if it's too late to try some of those things. Have any guys here dumped a girl for being "meh" (didn't seem to have much going on her life) , only to want her back when she did have more (other guys, always busy, etc.)? Kerewin, I'm curious...did you really not sense his lack of interest earlier on before you got the "friend speech?" Usually there would be a lot of little signs. Did he seem really into you -- often show visible and verbal signs of excitement when you were together, go out of his way to see you/do things for you. A woman typically knows. Perhaps you recognized his lack of interest on some level but chose to ignore it and instead made yourself more available to him in an attempt to win him over. Usually if the guy doesn't seem too enthusiastic at the beginning, I'll nip things in the bud before we get too deep into the relationship. Also, the first thing I do in such a situation is pull back -- not the opposite.
Author Kerewin Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 shadowplay, I hear what you're saying. I didn't make myself more available to try to increase his interest though. I made myself more available because very early on he told me that he had just learned there was a very good chance he had a fatal congenital disease. I remember thinking "We barely know each other, why are you telling ME this?" But it was too late, there was no unringing that bell. I found out that only one other person in his life knew. So, at that moment I had to to decide to either get him out of my life (which I thought would be a cowardly thing to do), or make him an important person in my life. I didn't know what shape that would take---friend, lover, something else? Even so, given what he was going through, I wanted it to be his decision about how much he thought he could handle. EVERY time we've gotten together has been at his initiative. At the same time, I've censored myself a lot, tried to always put on a "happy face", etc., so as not to add any additional complications to his life. So, I feel like I'm being rejected for a person that's not even me. Believe me, this is normally NOT my style. It just feels like a situation where it was immediately impossible for me to just relax and behave normally. Does that clear things up?
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