Author Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 But that still doesn't answer my question. I appreciate the good advice, I really do, but I'm not asking if this SHOULD be done, I'm asking if it CAN be successfully done.
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 But that still doesn't answer my question. I appreciate the good advice, I really do, but I'm not asking if this SHOULD be done, I'm asking if it CAN be successfully done. How do you know he dumped you for that reason?
Author Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Obviously, I can't know what he's thinking. But his words, as near as I can remember them, were "I have a great time with you, and the physical part is good, but it's like we're really good friends who have sex. I don't think about you all the time and hurt when you're not around like my friends do with their girlfriends." I could be wrong, but it sounded to me like he felt there was something missing from our relationship because we never went through that romantic, can't wait to see you, mushy period. It's just not something I do. But for this guy, I would consider "faking" it. I know that sounds HORRIBLE (believe me, I do), but given that that part of a relationship is a temporary chemical blip at the beginning of things, I'm considering giving it the old college try.
StaringContest Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Obviously, I can't know what he's thinking. But his words, as near as I can remember them, were "I have a great time with you, and the physical part is good, but it's like we're really good friends who have sex. I don't think about you all the time and hurt when you're not around like my friends do with their girlfriends." I could be wrong, but it sounded to me like he felt there was something missing from our relationship because we never went through that romantic, can't wait to see you, mushy period. It's just not something I do. But for this guy, I would consider "faking" it. I know that sounds HORRIBLE (believe me, I do), but given that that part of a relationship is a temporary chemical blip at the beginning of things, I'm considering giving it the old college try. That guy is a moron. The hurt those guys are feeling when their gf's aren't around is them wondering whether she's off screwing some other guy. You might be able to fake it for awhile, but eventually you'll go back to being yourself. If he doesn't realize how good he's got it, then that's his problem. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to "fake it"? To answer your question of whether it's possible to get back his interest and game play now that he's ended things, I doubt it. If you two have the same circle of friends, you might be able to pull it off by just acting happy and go-lucky and flirting with other guys when he's around, basically acting like him dumping you didn't affect you at all. But it most likely won't work and you'll have just ended up drawing out the pain if you don't get him back.
Author Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Well, I'm going to try it anyway. We don't have the same circle of friends--thank God! --I need somewhere to get away from it all, but we are making plans to socialize. And I don't plan to hide that I'm dating from him. Don't know how to bring it up, but I'm not going to hide it. Kind of think it's a win-win, even if it doesn't make him jealous, at least I'm getting out there. And getting out there more means that even if it's not gonna be him, it increases the odds I'll find someone great.
StaringContest Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well, I'm going to try it anyway. We don't have the same circle of friends--thank God! --I need somewhere to get away from it all, but we are making plans to socialize. I don't think you're going to be able to pull it off then. Your game depends on him pursing you and contacting you. He's already broken up with you, so it's not something he's likely to do. I'd focus more on the getting out there part than trying to get him back.
Author Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Sigh. It just sucks cause a little voice in the back of my head was always telling me I was too available. I made myself available because he was going through a crisis and I didn't want to stress him. But, I was so busy worrying about him I didn't notice that his way of dealing with things was to keep up business as usual, so I should've done the same (i.e.--guys like to work for your attention a little bit). If I point blank said to him if he brings up the breakup "My mistake was I made myself too available to you, hanging out with you even when I wasn't in the mood sometimes, and you wound up taking me for granted and thinking I wasn't special" do you think he could hear that? Or is that one of those Mars/ Venus things where it could do more harm than good? Part of me wants to say it just so he knows I wasn't QUITE as much of a puppy as he thought I was--I was just making what I thought was an effort to be supportive.
StaringContest Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Sigh. It just sucks cause a little voice in the back of my head was always telling me I was too available. I made myself available because he was going through a crisis and I didn't want to stress him. But, I was so busy worrying about him I didn't notice that his way of dealing with things was to keep up business as usual, so I should've done the same (i.e.--guys like to work for your attention a little bit). If I point blank said to him if he brings up the breakup "My mistake was I made myself too available to you, hanging out with you even when I wasn't in the mood sometimes, and you wound up taking me for granted and thinking I wasn't special" do you think he could hear that? Or is that one of those Mars/ Venus things where it could do more harm than good? Part of me wants to say it just so he knows I wasn't QUITE as much of a puppy as he thought I was--I was just making what I thought was an effort to be supportive. If it'll make you feel better to say it to him then do it, no matter how he takes it. But my theory is that after somebody breaks up with you, they never take anything you say the way you mean it. So I don't even waste my breath... unless they're asking me how I feel, then there's about a 50/50 chance they won't turn it into something negative. So yeah, tell him if you want to, just don't expect it to change anything.
Author Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Well, I said I'd stick by him thru the resolution of this crisis---it's literally life and death, so I honestly think it's the "noble" thing to do. But, if it turns out he's okay.......Oh yeah, there are going to be some things I need to say. Because, if we're gonna be friends--and I have lots of guy friends---, he needs to understand how I expect my friends to treat me (and I don't hold back with my friends, so why should he get special treatment?)
compassion42 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Kerewin, I think you should go for it. If he is having a crisis, perhaps he's no thinking clearly and needs some reminding of how great you are. You sound very stable and mature about all this so I think that if it doesn't work, you'll still be ok.
Author Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 compassion42--thank you so much! You know that thing you tell yourself when you get dumped in your 20's? "He's making a huge mistake". You have NO idea what a thrill it was when I found myself saying that again--and this time I MEANT it.
compassion42 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 That's right, it will be his loss. That's definately a great attitude to have and you know, many times when we feel that way they actually do end up telling you just how wrong they were somewhere down the road(usually when you are happily involved in a new relationship).
fray718 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Kerewin, no offense but this guy really is just NOT THAT INTO YOU -- and whoever has read my past posts know that im not even a fan of that book and I'm known to tell alot of girls that it seems like the guy really likes them just that he's got issues/is scared/commitmentphobic or whatever -- but in your case, he's not scared or anything, he just doesnt like you all that much. Gosh I know this sounds harsh but really i'm only saying this cuz it seems like you still want to fight for him. But really, there is no point. Let him go! Then there are those of us who are a bit.....*ahem*.....emotional. (ok...we're really effed up.....I'm just trying to be nice here, ok?) :laugh::laugh: Gosh, my friend just told me awhile back that I'm too emotional, even for a GIRL! hahaha
Author Kerewin Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 You might be right. but at the moment I'm hedging my bets--I'm not totally giving up (am casually dating), but not totally giving him all my time either. So I think it's alright. Plus, I've already committed to spend time with him anyway as he goes through the medical stuff he's going through--wouldn't duck out on my worst enemy at a time like this--so just avoiding him isn't an option.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 You might be right. but at the moment I'm hedging my bets--I'm not totally giving up (am casually dating), but not totally giving him all my time either. So I think it's alright. Plus, I've already committed to spend time with him anyway as he goes through the medical stuff he's going through--wouldn't duck out on my worst enemy at a time like this--so just avoiding him isn't an option. You are kind to stick with him after he dumped you. I hope you two sort this stuff out...and you get the answers you are seeking (when he's a bit less stressed). But I hope this guy comes to his senses and realizes what a gem you are.
Timberlane Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Kerewin, you are doing the right thing by continuing to date other guys. That takes a lot of the sting out of the problems you are currently having with the guy asking for a FWB thing. Eventually you need to stop worrying about him and move on I think. Definitely cut off the sex with him. He doesn't deserve it and you can get it elsewhere. Good luck finding someone that is crazy about you and isn't some annoying fence-sitter.
Author Kerewin Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 LOL --I know you're all right; it's not up to me to change if he can't appreciate me. Funny tho--he just called to see how my weekend's going; we chatted a bit but I told him I had to go after a few minutes. He seemed dissapointed/ surprised that I wouldn't stay on the phone longer. A BIG reason I don't believe those who say men don't send mixed signals. No worries tho, I'm not reading TOO much into it--could've just been an ego bruise because I wasn't as eager to give of my time as I've been in the past. In case it's not--any suggestions from the fellas on how not to mess this up again? Am I on the right track with being busy/ less available?
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Obviously, I can't know what he's thinking. But his words, as near as I can remember them, were "I have a great time with you, and the physical part is good, but it's like we're really good friends who have sex. I don't think about you all the time and hurt when you're not around like my friends do with their girlfriends." I could be wrong, but it sounded to me like he felt there was something missing from our relationship because we never went through that romantic, can't wait to see you, mushy period. It's just not something I do. But for this guy, I would consider "faking" it. I know that sounds HORRIBLE (believe me, I do), but given that that part of a relationship is a temporary chemical blip at the beginning of things, I'm considering giving it the old college try. God, I know how you feel, Kerewin....I really do. But I can tell you that I don't see much hope in this. I know that's not what you want to hear. This won't stop you though from trying to get him back. I know because it never stopped me. You can try to reason that he left because you didn't do this or that right, but you see, you're trying to control it and you can't. You think that if you just follow the directions like a recipe, it'll turn out right this time. It doesn't work that way. When I read what you wrote above, I can tell you that this one isn't going to to turn out right. You'll probably try anyway but I can see it in the cards....it's not there. And it's nothing that you did either. You'd rather think that it was something that you did or didn't do because then you can control it....then you can try to fix it. But sometimes it's not something that we did or didn't do and that means we can't fix it. And that really sucks because that means we don't have control over the outcome. You only have control over you....and that's a really hard thing for some people to accept (including myself).
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 You might be right. but at the moment I'm hedging my bets--I'm not totally giving up (am casually dating), but not totally giving him all my time either. So I think it's alright. Plus, I've already committed to spend time with him anyway as he goes through the medical stuff he's going through--wouldn't duck out on my worst enemy at a time like this--so just avoiding him isn't an option. Your casual dating won't amount to anything because you're still hung up on him. In other words, you might as well not even casually date. It's all a facade. I know....I've been there. You're rationalizing why you need to spend time with this guy and that's going to keep you deep into this for so much longer than you realize. And you won't realize until later how much time you wasted on him.
Author Kerewin Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 unique one--that may be, it may amount to "wasted time", but I don't think I'm rationalizing about why I need to spend time with him. One of the first things I asked myself was "What would hurt worse--being there for him and still not having him love me?, or walking away and always wondering what happened to him?" I know, with time, I can get over him. But I don't know how I could EVER stop wondering if he were okay if I didn't find out how this all ended. I'm one of only 3 people in his life he's told about what he's going through.
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 unique one--that may be, it may amount to "wasted time", but I don't think I'm rationalizing about why I need to spend time with him. One of the first things I asked myself was "What would hurt worse--being there for him and still not having him love me?, or walking away and always wondering what happened to him?" I know, with time, I can get over him. But I don't know how I could EVER stop wondering if he were okay if I didn't find out how this all ended. I'm one of only 3 people in his life he's told about what he's going through. Then do so if you must. Just remember that you will be going through what you're going through now for the entire time.
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Just curious about something....would he be doing the same for you if it was happening to you?
Author Kerewin Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 unique one, it doesn't really matter. I'm not doing this because of how I feel about him--if anything I wish he hadn't told me, especially because of how early if was in our relationship; it made it impossible for me to just relax and behave naturally. I'm not minimizing my own feelings, but I'm mature enough to accept that what's happening to him is much more important than what's happening between us. I'm doing this because you don't ditch someone who's going through something like this. Period.
uniqueone Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 unique one, it doesn't really matter. I'm not doing this because of how I feel about him--if anything I wish he hadn't told me, especially because of how early if was in our relationship; it made it impossible for me to just relax and behave naturally. I'm not minimizing my own feelings, but I'm mature enough to accept that what's happening to him is much more important than what's happening between us. I'm doing this because you don't ditch someone who's going through something like this. Period. Well it sounds like you're only wanting to hear one thing, so I'll discontinue my efforts.
StaringContest Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I think it's great that you're willing to help him through his health problems. You're a good woman. Eventually he might realize what a great woman he's lost, but it might not be anytime soon. Don't get your hopes up about getting him back. And most importantly, don't do anything physical with him unless he says he wants to get back together with you. If you do anything physical before that, he will take it for granted and you'll get hurt.
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