Trouble in Paradise Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Hi all, I am new here. I just wanted to put my story out there and see if I could get some advice. I met my wife 3 years ago. She had already been married and divorced once and I knew her husband. We started dating after the divorce and we ended up falling in love and ended up getting pregnant. We got married rather quickly and things were great. We spent time together and didn't have a lot of responsibility so we fell more and more in love. About 4 months later we decided that if we were going to make a good life for our family that we would need to get Degree's, so we started taking online classes after work(both in the military). Everything was good even with school, then the baby came. We took turns, things were mutual and to my surprise things were still great. Work got more hectic, school was more challenging, the baby got bigger and we got more drained. She started getting lost in house work and I spent my free time on the internet. After a while we got custody of my 16 year old half brother after finding out his dad was terminally ill. He came out and she is hitting the wall. She doesn't like the way he talks to her and she doesn't like how the house is messy all the time. And lately she met a new group of friends and started telling me how she is sick of being in a dirty house all the time and how she is realizing how "typical" 25 year olds live. One night she went out and got hammered and I didn't even get mad. The whole next day I was with my little one because she was on the floor in pain from being so wasted. After thinking about it a while I started to get pissed. I was the one picking up the house (of course she complained it wasn't good enough), I wasn't going out and getting wasted with a bunch of people she didn't know. And what really got to me was her talking about how real 25 year olds lived mainly because, we aren't typical 25 year olds! Lately everything she says has been selfish and i'm starting to fire back. It's not my character to get testy with woman but she is changing so much that I don't know if I even want to be with her any more. Granted I know that times have changed and i'm not the husband I was when we first met but all the intentions are there. The way I look at it is that we have a lot on our plate right now. We're boud to get burnt out and we can't spend as much time with each other as we would like. But it's like everything I do she has a huge problem with or gripes about. I clean the living room and she harps about the kitchen being a mess. I clean the Kitchen and she gripes about the clothes not being put away. I spend some money and it's the end of the world (extra money that I earned). She says it can go on bills. I'm getting to the end of my rope but I love my son too much to want to separate. I know she would fight me tooth and nail for him and I don't want him to go through what I went through. I love my wife but i'm getting so mad that i'm afraid i'm going to have to separate from her for the sake of everyone. I don't like fighting cold and I refuse to be with someone who does. I've asked her to go to counseling and she refuses. Last night she told me that she took the month of March off so that she can go to Germany to see her friend. I don't mind but I don't think that I would do that to her. I wouldn't just leave to get away. I might go to Vegas or something for a few days but a whole month of dropping everything so that she can go somewhere because she can't handle the pressures of life sounds like bull**** to me and i'm really getting fed up. Life is hard on everyone, not just her! People don't just run away because their spouse is as understanding as I. At least a self respecting person. I don't know I guess i'm just mad. I've always been wary of letting people in because I could never find someone selfless enough to trust and it looks like i messed up again. I jumped into something and now i'm in danger of hurting my son because two people can't get along. I don't want him to be without a mom and dad. I want a happy family but her actions lately speak volumes to me of her true feelings. Am I looking too much into it? Do all women get like this or what? She has some issues from child hood that she hasn't been able to get over yet and that hinders our marriage sometimes too. I don't know what to do but any advice would help me. Thanks, Trouble in Paradise.
Anna Comnena Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Wow, you married a gal who is 25 and already divorced and now she wants to jet off to Germany despite she's got a KID>? All I can say is WOW. Sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do, the real question is if you're going to subject your child to her "growing pains." She's stating what typical 25 year olds do?? Hey, it ain't typical to be on husband #2 (who she barely knew when she married him) and a child in tow at 25. Now you get points for marrying the chick you knocked up.. minus points for 1) know she was divorcing, 2) not dating her long enough before marriage. Honestly, I'LL BET YOU $500.00 Right here right now, your marriage won't make it another 5 years. Thus, although I really hate divorce, get custody, get a job, and spend 100% of your time raising your kid. and PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE don't date/marry. It's obviously you're not any good at picking women and you kid could do without the extra drama.
woodsfield Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I clean the living room and she harps about the kitchen being a mess. I clean the Kitchen and she gripes about the clothes not being put away. this sounds like a typical woman...everything else:confused:, hmmmm. i mean, i think she is stressed, beat down and burnt out like you said but something else is troubling her. she sounds depressed and like an early midlife crisis. i dunno...don't suggest that just SHE go see someone; both ya'll need to go talk to someone. does you branch of the military have services like that?? anna, you are blunt and too the point...i give you points for that, but you are being too harsh. been thru this before??
Author Trouble in Paradise Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Wow, you married a gal who is 25 and already divorced and now she wants to jet off to Germany despite she's got a KID>? All I can say is WOW. Sounds like she's got a lot of growing up to do, the real question is if you're going to subject your child to her "growing pains." She's stating what typical 25 year olds do?? Hey, it ain't typical to be on husband #2 (who she barely knew when she married him) and a child in tow at 25. Now you get points for marrying the chick you knocked up.. minus points for 1) know she was divorcing, 2) not dating her long enough before marriage. Honestly, I'LL BET YOU $500.00 Right here right now, your marriage won't make it another 5 years. Thus, although I really hate divorce, get custody, get a job, and spend 100% of your time raising your kid. and PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE don't date/marry. It's obviously you're not any good at picking women and you kid could do without the extra drama. I see your point but I really want to work things out. What can I do without losing all of my dignity?
Author Trouble in Paradise Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 this sounds like a typical woman...everything else:confused:, hmmmm. i mean, i think she is stressed, beat down and burnt out like you said but something else is troubling her. she sounds depressed and like an early midlife crisis. i dunno...don't suggest that just SHE go see someone; both ya'll need to go talk to someone. does you branch of the military have services like that?? anna, you are blunt and too the point...i give you points for that, but you are being too harsh. been thru this before?? I suggested that we both go see someone. I don't want the type of house where everyone has to walk on egg shells. I just want everyone to be happy. I'm typically a happy person but this has me down in the dumps. I just wish things weren't so complicated. Just for the record, I don't think things are complicated. I think everything is easy, and I guess that is the problem.
woodsfield Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I just wish things weren't so complicated. Just for the record, I don't think things are complicated. I think everything is easy, and I guess that is the problem. yeah, i think that is part of it...what you described in the OP is a total and complete rat f-ck. i think there are a lot of others here that can give you better advice than i can... she is hurting something bad and she is trying to take everyone down with her. where that hurt starts is the question. is it you? is it the baby? is the adoptive half brother? or is it something much deeper from her past, before she met you? i don't think she is going to be helped until SHE wants it. i misunderstood you; i thought you asked her ALONE to go see someone. i wish you the best and hope you can get some good advice here. this is merely a start.
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Are there other family members who can help out with your half brother? What about his mom? Having that responsibility put on you (obviously you have no choice due to the circumstances) is alot, plus you have your own child to look after. Having a teen in the house doesn't make that any easier! Put down the rules with your bro. He is there, he can help clean up, do dishes, clean the bathroom etc... Your wife is having a relapse and rebelling so it seems...If she hates a messy house, then she can help clean it up or foot the bill to get a cleaning lady to come in once every two weeks or so. Fact that she is out partying and can't function the next day is another issue in itself. She needs a wake up call! And, until she is ready to wake up, you need to be the stable parent to your child. It's almost like you're the parent here and she's the spoiled teen doing what she wants, when she wants. THAT is NOT an adult, especially one who has a child...Has she forgotten that she is a mother? Marriage counselling is a MUST if your marriage is going to be fixed. If she won't go with you, go by yourself, for now. In afew months if she isn't willing to work on the marriage, then worry about it then, but hopefully she'll be open to fixing things so you both can be happier. Make time for her, too. Buy her some flowers (even though her behaviour right now doesn't deserve it!) it could make her see you in a better light.
Author Trouble in Paradise Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Are there other family members who can help out with your half brother? What about his mom? Having that responsibility put on you (obviously you have no choice due to the circumstances) is alot, plus you have your own child to look after. Having a teen in the house doesn't make that any easier! Put down the rules with your bro. He is there, he can help clean up, do dishes, clean the bathroom etc... Your wife is having a relapse and rebelling so it seems...If she hates a messy house, then she can help clean it up or foot the bill to get a cleaning lady to come in once every two weeks or so. Fact that she is out partying and can't function the next day is another issue in itself. She needs a wake up call! And, until she is ready to wake up, you need to be the stable parent to your child. It's almost like you're the parent here and she's the spoiled teen doing what she wants, when she wants. THAT is NOT an adult, especially one who has a child...Has she forgotten that she is a mother? Marriage counselling is a MUST if your marriage is going to be fixed. If she won't go with you, go by yourself, for now. In afew months if she isn't willing to work on the marriage, then worry about it then, but hopefully she'll be open to fixing things so you both can be happier. Make time for her, too. Buy her some flowers (even though her behaviour right now doesn't deserve it!) it could make her see you in a better light. She only went out and got drunk once. But its wierd because she just started spending more time away from home. She is in Leadership School right now so she is under a lot of pressure and goes to study groups so I understand. She is typically a very responsible person. I know that her ex was a big alchoholic and verbally abusive and the fact that I didn't drink attracted her to me. I usually know what to do and if I didn't have my little one I would walk away and give her time but in this case I can't. I think she is mad at me for swearing at her too. A week ago I was doing something on the computer and she was complaining about something and I was blocking her out. Then she said something smart and I lost my cool and said something along the lines of "quit bitching, or shut the eff up" not really sure. I know episodes like this bring back memories of her ex so they are very rare(maybe one other time). To me being mean to one another comes in a lot of ways. Not hugging me and being silent towards me is about as bad as it gets. I'd rather be called names than have someone give me the silent treatment. She is the opposite. She was raised by her dad and I was raised by my grandmother so we have 2 opposite poles of conflict. Another thing that makes me mad is that when she is out with her friends having a great time and I take care of the kids and stuff I catch **** for stuff not being done right when she gets home. Whould she do that to one of her freinds? Is she really ate up inside at me or a group of circumstances that she is relieving through hatred toward me? I've brought up the D word a few times and she gets silent. I really don't want that but I just want her to think of how serious some of the things she's doing are effecting me. I'm so wierded out right now because I usually have all the answers but it is so frustrating when a spouse is distant toward you and toned out to the way you think that you can't even have a conversation any more. It never used to be like this. I need to know if she is in for the long haul or was I just a rebound from the get go. She insists that she loves me but her actions tell me other wise.. I don't know. An interesting conversation we had the other day was about how her liking the house cleaned was similar to the way I like football and poker. I could have said, if you like it as much as I like football and poker then why isn't the house cleaner? But I didn't, I just tried to understand and help out more, but nothing works-she still complains.. Thanks for all the advice. Keep it coming. It helps to know i'm not totally crazy.
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Don't use the D word as a threat, that is as bad as her giving you the silent treatment. It hurts. If you want to save the marriage, then express your hurt feelings to her. Let her know you DO love her and want to work hard to get things good again. YOU BOTH need to put eachother first, make special time for eachother and find that respect for eachother. No more swearing, ignoring, being snippy with eachother...Remember what it was that brought you two together in the first place? Go out on a date together, make a nice night of it. Get a sitter... Marriage counselling will teach you two how to communicate and listen to eachother. Both of you are not meeting eachothers needs and this is causing problems, and will continue to cause problems until you both work together and fix things.
katiebour Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Housework, finances, and childcare- the biggest stressors on any relationship. Can you afford to have a cleaning lady a few times a week? If not a cleaning lady then a babysitter? It sounds like your wife is running away from her responsibilities because she feels overloaded, and you are getting resentful because you are doing your best but YOU are overloaded. If you could eliminate a few of those stressors or at least cut down on them I'm betting that things would improve. WWIU brought up a good point- do you have some extended family that could help out with your toddler? Could you pay the 16-year-old a weekly allowance for completing a list of chores or babysitting? Good luck- I hope that things get better for you.
Curmudgeon Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 this sounds like a typical woman...everything else:confused:, hmmmm. Makes me wonder if this is the type of woman you typically pick, Woodsfield, rather than a generalized, typical woman. I didn't know there was such a thing. Every one I've ever met and gotten to know has been unique and the two I've ever been married to are polar opposites.
Integra Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 [code][/CODE]Hi all, I am new here. I just wanted to put my story out there and see if I could get some advice. I met my wife 3 years ago. She had already been married and divorced once and I knew her husband. We started dating after the divorce and we ended up falling in love and ended up getting pregnant. We got married rather quickly and things were great. We spent time together and didn't have a lot of responsibility so we fell more and more in love. So not only are you guys fairly young. You really didn't even have time to learn how to communicate with one another before the responsiblity of a family and all that entails came along. About 4 months later we decided that if we were going to make a good life for our family that we would need to get Degree's, so we started taking online classes after work(both in the military). Everything was good even with school, then the baby came. We took turns, things were mutual and to my surprise things were still great. Very worth while plan. However that is a whole lot to have on your plate at a fairly young age. NOT that many haven't accomplished it before. However it is very difficult. Work got more hectic, school was more challenging, the baby got bigger and we got more drained. She started getting lost in house work and I spent my free time on the internet. While you were on the internet, what was your W doing? Especially if both of you were working FT, going to school and taking care of your child. After a while we got custody of my 16 year old half brother after finding out his dad was terminally ill. He came out and she is hitting the wall. She doesn't like the way he talks to her and she doesn't like how the house is messy all the time. And lately she met a new group of friends and started telling me how she is sick of being in a dirty house all the time and how she is realizing how "typical" 25 year olds live. Teenagers can be difficult, period.. However your adding the stress of a teminally ill parent + having to live w/ your bro and his family=lots of confusion.. Have you and your W sat you lil'bro down and set boundries and rules? Even though he would probably take the attitude that you're not his "parents" you still need to come to the understanding that it is your home and that he will have to follow rules and help out. Whatever those rules maybe.. Now your W can not compare your lives to a "tyical" 25yr old. SHE'S NOT.. YOUR NOT.. Most 25 yr old women are not on H #2, w/a child, in the military, going to school, and having to care for a 16 yr old sibling (by marriage) who is loosing is father to a terminal illness.. One night she went out and got hammered and I didn't even get mad. The whole next day I was with my little one because she was on the floor in pain from being so wasted. If this becomes a habit, then you have an even bigger problem.. After thinking about it a while I started to get pissed. I was the one picking up the house (of course she complained it wasn't good enough), I wasn't going out and getting wasted with a bunch of people she didn't know. And what really got to me was her talking about how real 25 year olds lived mainly because, we aren't typical 25 year olds! Boy, right in this paragraph alone. I see built up resentment. And a definite communication problem.. Again, NOT typical 25yr olds.. You can't turn back time and become 25yr olds that don't have responsibilities. Sorry.. Lately everything she says has been selfish and i'm starting to fire back. It's not my character to get testy with woman but she is changing so much that I don't know if I even want to be with her any more. Granted I know that times have changed and i'm not the husband I was when we first met but all the intentions are there. It's your character to get testy with a woman.. Please, how many long term/serious relationships have you had before this one.. NO ONE stays the same H or W that they were the day that got married.. NOPE SORRY,, NO ONE...We all grow and change.. But you have to grow and change together and that's not what I'm seeing here.. Again look at the resentment you two are building up here, mainly due to not being able to communicate.. The way I look at it is that we have a lot on our plate right now. We're boud to get burnt out and we can't spend as much time with each other as we would like. But it's like everything I do she has a huge problem with or gripes about. I clean the living room and she harps about the kitchen being a mess. I clean the Kitchen and she gripes about the clothes not being put away. I spend some money and it's the end of the world (extra money that I earned). She says it can go on bills. Everything not being good enough.. Okay, another classic sympton of not being able to communicate properly. And control issues. As far as spending the money.. Do you have outstanding bills that need to be paid off? Well, if you do, then yeah, they need to come first.. Not saying don't spend a little money on yourself or your wife.. But outstanding bills do have to be paid or the two of you will be "paying" for them later. I'm getting to the end of my rope but I love my son too much to want to separate. I know she would fight me tooth and nail for him and I don't want him to go through what I went through. I love my wife but i'm getting so mad that i'm afraid i'm going to have to separate from her for the sake of everyone. I don't like fighting cold and I refuse to be with someone who does. I've asked her to go to counseling and she refuses. All the fighting in the world is not going to get you anywhere. All the fighting does is build up more resentment, which builds even bigger barriors for communication.. Last night she told me that she took the month of March off so that she can go to Germany to see her friend. I don't mind but I don't think that I would do that to her. I wouldn't just leave to get away. I might go to Vegas or something for a few days but a whole month of dropping everything so that she can go somewhere because she can't handle the pressures of life sounds like bull**** to me and i'm really getting fed up. This I don't get.. I have never understood the need for married couples to go their seperate ways like this, unless they are actually seperating.. What's the point?? If you two are already having a division amongst you, why make it larger by spending time away like this.. Look, honestly, with the kind of resentment and communication problems you two have, plus your W's history, I don't see anything good coming from this. At All... Life is hard on everyone, not just her! People don't just run away because their spouse is as understanding as I. At least a self respecting person. I don't know I guess i'm just mad. Nope, responsible people don't just run away.. However look at your last paragraph. Aren't you going tit for tat by thinking about the Vegas trip.. So in that since, both of you are avoiding. Her for whatever reason (I haven't heard her side) but you are just because she did.. That's just creating a stand off and no one wins.. Your in the military. DO Stand off's ever work?? Or do you need a diplomatic solution/ a compromise to end a stale mate? Your marriage isn't a situation that force, demands and standoffs are going to work my friend... I've always been wary of letting people in because I could never find someone selfless enough to trust and it looks like i messed up again. I jumped into something and now i'm in danger of hurting my son because two people can't get along. I don't want him to be without a mom and dad. I want a happy family but her actions lately speak volumes to me of her true feelings. Yep, you jumped in fast.. And looking back now, maybe your feeling like you weren't ready for this kind of commitment. Maybe she wasn't ready for this so soon after her divorce? But your here now.. Am I looking too much into it? Do all women get like this or what? She has some issues from child hood that she hasn't been able to get over yet and that hinders our marriage sometimes too. I don't know what to do but any advice would help me. Thanks, Trouble in Paradise. No, not all women are "like this".. However, men & women who are young, immature and do not know how to communicate with a partner act like this... If you want this marriage to work. You both need counseling.. You need to learn how to communicate with one another. Everyone communicates differently. And since you two had such a whirl-wind beginnning. I would bet almost anything that you two have no idea have to have an honest open dialoque with one another.. You need outside help at this point to learn that. I wish you look!!!
woodsfield Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Makes me wonder if this is the type of woman you typically pick, Woodsfield, rather than a generalized, typical woman. I didn't know there was such a thing. Every one I've ever met and gotten to know has been unique and the two I've ever been married to are polar opposites. o come on...they even make commercials like this; "Now that your done painting the fence, you can start on the shed." for the record, i've picked ONE woman, and still love her and always will. can you say the same? yes, human nature makes us unique. and no, i don't know "women" for sh-t. thanks for pointing that out. but i do know the woman i married and it sounds like her...she is a "typical" woman, IMO.
Anna Comnena Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 It's great that YOU want things to work out.. but the problem here isn't you, it's her... and you could give the WORLD TO HER paved in gold, and it wouldn't change a damn thing. There's alot of people who'll BS it to you, but this is the truth. 1. Get Custody 2. Focus on your kid 3. Don't date/marry until your kid is up and out. (the rejection your kid will feel because of his/her mother will only be heightened if you have a slew of women comming in and out of his life.. and remember, a 2 or 3 marriage with kids from a previous marriage are 50x more likely to end in divorce, +check the stats on that+ thereby the kid will be left again, thus, the no more dating!!)
4whatItsWorth Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Anna...oh I love you being so blunt! I have to say though...you've married a girl who obviously made a terrible mistake once...and now that she is married to you, she is hanging out with people her own age with no husband nor child...well, I don't think she will last. You can try councelling, like the others have suggested...but it takes a LOT of maturing to be responsible for children and marriage at 25. You are sooo young...I think she forgot that the day you have kids you're never again #1... Did your wife fully agree to have the 16yr old living there? Did you tell him off for being mean to your wife? She might be feeling like nobody is on her side and that she just wants to escape it all. (Hence the Germany trip...) I don't think she should be allowed to go away for a month - she is a mom, not an international student! Tell her you need to focus on the marriage - and if you threaten with divorce then STAND YOUR GROUNDS. Once the "D" word is thrown out...the trust will soon be gone.
fluffy0 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 She started getting lost in house work and I spent my free time on the internet. Hmm... I feel like we are not getting the other side of the story here. I can understand your frustration, your wife sounds kind of childish.BUT, are you sure that you are doing your fair share? I don't think anyone really gets lost in housework because they enjoy it so much. It seems like she was constantly cleaning up while you were chilling at the computer and at one point she just couldn't take it anymore. You did make it sound like you started helping out with the chores after that, but do you just do them occassionally when she gets mad at you , while she gets the brunt of the housework? If you and her are both equally busy outside of the home and both bring home money then you should share all housework equally. After a while we got custody of my 16 year old half brother after finding out his dad was terminally ill. He came out and she is hitting the wall. She doesn't like the way he talks to her and she doesn't like how the house is messy all the time. This is a really tough situation. But I still think that teh family you created always comes first. A 16-year old is still a kid who needs raising and disciplining. You can't just expect your wife to raise another kid and when she didn't have a say in it. Also, it's not good for your half-brother to be in a household where he probably understands that he is not wanted. You have to find a more suitable place for him. I know you probably feel guilty because he's family and you feel like you have to help out, but your wife and child come first. I spend some money and it's the end of the world (extra money that I earned). She says it can go on bills. You didn't specify how much you spent and how much she spends, but if you spend more than her than thats not right, no matter who earned the money. Decide on how much you each get to spend per month on yourselves, and don't spend more. You are a family, you need to share all resources and decide how money is spent together. I hope I didn't come off as saying that this is all your fault, that wasn't my intention. I'm just saying that you can't fix another person, they can only choose to fix themselves. But you can make sure that you are doing your best to be the best spouse you can be, and so that you have the right to ask the same of her. I definately commend you on trying ot keep your marriage together. Try not to let all the comments that tell you to just throw in the towel and get divorced get to you. If you really love this woman, then don't let her go so easily. Sometimes, when me and my SO go trhough a difficult time it helps to just sit down and say "hey I still really love you and I don't want things to be like this, do you still love me? " That might sound really simplistic but it really works to get the other person to face whats going on and realize whats really important
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