Girlfriend and I going through a rough time

[jhend2887]

Hey,

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating off and on for 6 years now, but we've been really close and together for the past 2 years, since we got engaged. Things have been really good with us, but last week she threw me for a loop when she told me that she had "lost the spark" for me and she wasn't sure what to do.

 

Well we continue to talk and I find out that there is this guy at her work that's been flirting with her a lot, and she has started to really like him. She says she told him to stop making passes at her, but she says she feels an attraction for him that she used to feel for me, but doesn't anymore.

 

I told her this was normal... and I thought it was. While I've always felt very strongly for her, and that's never ebbed, I have also felt strong attractions to other people, too. I always just stopped hanging out with them and within a week or two it went away. But she says that if she truly loves me then how is it possible she could feel like that about someone else instead of me?

 

We've agreed to give ourselves a few weeks before making any decisions, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose her here. I don't know what to do or tell her. I've read from several places that it is common to lose the "spark" in long-term relationships and that it normally comes back over time. But I'm afraid she will decide to end things before things get better.

 

I guess what I want to know is, what should I do about this? Does couples therapy work? I don't know anyone who has done that. Is she right, is this something that means we aren't meant to be together? Any suggestions on how I can get her attention focused back on me?

[Cobra_X30]

You dont want to marry this girl! She is really really dumb, I can tell you that right away!

 

Break off the engagement and treat her like she isnt anything special for a few weeks! Spend that time chasing other girls. If she comes back to you, she comes back. If not, find someone else.

 

If you marry her, you will regret it in 10 years! I guarantee it!

[Ocean-Blue]

You dont want to marry this girl! She is really really dumb, I can tell you that right away!

 

Break off the engagement and treat her like she isnt anything special for a few weeks! Spend that time chasing other girls. If she comes back to you, she comes back. If not, find someone else.

 

If you marry her, you will regret it in 10 years! I guarantee it!

 

How do you figure she's "dumb" based on such little information?

 

OP, I think you should give her the space she needs. It may be cold feet or it may be something deeper. Either way, you do not want to marry her with such obvious issues. Losing the spark may be a temporary thing or it may be something that breaks your relationship.

 

Good luck to you.

[buckdawg]

You dont want to marry this girl! She is really really dumb, I can tell you that right away!

 

Break off the engagement and treat her like she isnt anything special for a few weeks! Spend that time chasing other girls. If she comes back to you, she comes back. If not, find someone else.

 

If you marry her, you will regret it in 10 years! I guarantee it!

 

 

you and i think an awful lot alike. very scary for you

 

seriously OP, it really sounds like you are very well put together person who doesn't deserve this. maybe she's just scared of committment or something but you can't MAKE her do anything or she'll resent it. i'd lay low and see what happens.

[jhend2887]

Thanks for the replies. I had a friend also suggest that I start chasing after other girls and leave her behind, to see what she does. But that would be a little difficult seeing as we live together... and her moving out would really be a big deal.

 

I guess I'll just do as you guys suggested and give her time, I can't really do anything else I guess. I do really love this girl but I think you have a good point about her being "dumb." She's not stupid, she's really smart, but I think when it comes to love and relationships she has things really screwed up. She was raped when she was 13 and she has a lot of strange ideas about love and sex.

 

Thanks again.

[Ocean-Blue]

Thanks for the replies. I had a friend also suggest that I start chasing after other girls and leave her behind, to see what she does. But that would be a little difficult seeing as we live together... and her moving out would really be a big deal.

 

I guess I'll just do as you guys suggested and give her time, I can't really do anything else I guess. I do really love this girl but I think you have a good point about her being "dumb." She's not stupid, she's really smart, but I think when it comes to love and relationships she has things really screwed up. She was raped when she was 13 and she has a lot of strange ideas about love and sex.

 

Thanks again.

 

OK... The sexual assault changes things a bit. Has she ever had counseling? If she hasn't, you may want to gently suggest it. She may be burying a lot of feelings w/out even knowing it.

 

Victims of abuse are more prone to be impulsive/rash in their relationships. Hunt around for a good counselor and approach her.

[jhend2887]

OK... The sexual assault changes things a bit. Has she ever had counseling? If she hasn't, you may want to gently suggest it. She may be burying a lot of feelings w/out even knowing it.

 

Victims of abuse are more prone to be impulsive/rash in their relationships. Hunt around for a good counselor and approach her.

 

Thanks for the tip... but I've tried. She has never seen a counselor and says she doesn't need to. I've suggested it once or twice over the years and she got VERY irate when I did.

[Ocean-Blue]

Thanks for the tip... but I've tried. She has never seen a counselor and says she doesn't need to. I've suggested it once or twice over the years and she got VERY irate when I did.

 

All you can do is love her and be sincere. If she doesn't want help (assuming she needs it), well there's not much you can do.

 

Like I said, give her time/space. After that, re-evaluate your relationship. She's taking you for granted b/c she thinks you'll always be there. Hell you've made it through 6 yrs (on and off)...she figures, you're in the bag.

 

Don't allow her to do that to you. Life is far too short to hang on to people who don't care.

 

My previous relationship is, in some ways, similar to yours. I was the gf who took her bf for granted...simply b/c I didn't love him THAT way. I figured I'd eventually fall for him... After a while though, I suddenly realized that it was time to move on.

 

Fast forward to now. He's in a relationship with a girl who is well suited for him...and he's happy. I think she's "the one".

 

I'm not saying this is your situation...but you see what I'm getting at right? Sometimes, two people are just WRONG for each other. And no matter how hard you try, or how hard you love...well it's a waste really.

[jhend2887]

All you can do is love her and be sincere. If she doesn't want help (assuming she needs it), well there's not much you can do.

 

Like I said, give her time/space. After that, re-evaluate your relationship. She's taking you for granted b/c she thinks you'll always be there. Hell you've made it through 6 yrs (on and off)...she figures, you're in the bag.

 

Don't allow her to do that to you. Life is far too short to hang on to people who don't care.

 

My previous relationship is, in some ways, similar to yours. I was the gf who took her bf for granted...simply b/c I didn't love him THAT way. I figured I'd eventually fall for him... After a while though, I suddenly realized that it was time to move on.

 

Fast forward to now. He's in a relationship with a girl who is well suited for him...and he's happy. I think she's "the one".

 

I'm not saying this is your situation...but you see what I'm getting at right? Sometimes, two people are just WRONG for each other. And no matter how hard you try, or how hard you love...well it's a waste really.

 

I appreciate that post. I really hope that we aren't "WRONG" for each other... but I guess you're right, sometimes its just not meant to be. If she does leave me I definitely won't just wait around for her. I've already decided - and told her - that whatever she decides we are sticking with, and there's no going back.

[Ocean-Blue]

I appreciate that post. I really hope that we aren't "WRONG" for each other... but I guess you're right, sometimes its just not meant to be. If she does leave me I definitely won't just wait around for her. I've already decided - and told her - that whatever she decides we are sticking with, and there's no going back.

 

Sorry...I didn't mean to say that you ARE wrong for each other. It could be you have other issues going on...but it is something to consider.

 

I think it's good that you've put your foot down. She needs to hear that her decisions are final (that there is no going back). Hopefully it'll force her to really think about what she's doing - to determine if the risk is worth losing you.

[Pentula77]

read all the posts in break ups and second chances...

[buckdawg]

Thanks for the tip... but I've tried. She has never seen a counselor and says she doesn't need to. I've suggested it once or twice over the years and she got VERY irate when I did.

 

you're in a bad spot my friend. i feel for you. she has internalized so much she probably doesn't have a clue about what she wants or needs. it's hard to play the game when you don't know the rules.

 

be supportive but give her room i guess is all you can do for now.

[jophil28]

 

Like I said, give her time/space. After that, re-evaluate your relationship. She's taking you for granted b/c she thinks you'll always be there. Hell you've made it through 6 yrs (on and off)...reallyshe figures, you're in the bag.

 

Give her time ? For what ! This is stupid advice , You don't give wishy washy women "space" or "time", you give them their options and tell 'em to choose wisely OR she is gone..

You need to take a stand here dude. She is being an attention wh*re with this guy at work. That makes her unfit to be with you.

Tough break man, but women with abuse history issues always make for bad LTRs -take it from a veteran.

[buckdawg]

 

Like I said, give her time/space. After that, re-evaluate your relationship. She's taking you for granted b/c she thinks you'll always be there. Hell you've made it through 6 yrs (on and off)...reallyshe figures, you're in the bag.

 

Give her time ? For what ! This is stupid advice , You don't give wishy washy women "space" or "time", you give them their options and tell 'em to choose wisely OR she is gone..

You need to take a stand here dude. She is being an attention wh*re with this guy at work. That makes her unfit to be with you.

Tough break man, but women with abuse history issues always make for bad LTRs -take it from a veteran.

 

if you're an ass that likes to wave his epeen around this is what you do

[jophil28]

 

if you're an ass that likes to wave his epeen around this is what you do

 

It is real hard to separate the real females fronm manginas here.

[WaterTiger]

Joephil28 is right. Abuse survivors need therapy to unscrew their heads before they are able to have a true relationship. Demand therapy with her. Tell her your relationship with her depends on it. If she refuses, then move her out, I don't care HOW big a deal it is.

 

By letting her coast through life without resolving these past rape issues, you are just being an enabler. You're letting her hide from the truth.

 

If she honestly wanted to be married, she'd have "BRIDE GUIDE" & "MODERN BRIDE" magazines all over the house, talking about colors, themes, who is going to be her maid of honor and who's going to cater the reception. She'd be waking you at 2:am to insist you set a date. I'm going to bet she isn't doing ANY of this.

 

She's using you as a buffer to reality. I think breaking up with her would do you a world of good.

[jhend2887]

Joephil28 is right. Abuse survivors need therapy to unscrew their heads before they are able to have a true relationship. Demand therapy with her. Tell her your relationship with her depends on it. If she refuses, then move her out, I don't care HOW big a deal it is.

 

By letting her coast through life without resolving these past rape issues, you are just being an enabler. You're letting her hide from the truth.

 

If she honestly wanted to be married, she'd have "BRIDE GUIDE" & "MODERN BRIDE" magazines all over the house, talking about colors, themes, who is going to be her maid of honor and who's going to cater the reception. She'd be waking you at 2:am to insist you set a date. I'm going to bet she isn't doing ANY of this.

 

She's using you as a buffer to reality. I think breaking up with her would do you a world of good.

 

Actually as of 3 weeks ago she DID have magazines everywhere and WAS constantly bothering about this and that (we were planning on getting married in about 14 months). She had already made the guest list even. I don't think she's jerking me around, I think she genuinely wanted to marry me and now she's just confused.

[jophil28]

Actually as of 3 weeks ago she DID have magazines everywhere and WAS constantly bothering about this and that (we were planning on getting married in about 14 months). She had already made the guest list even. I don't think she's jerking me around, I think she genuinely wanted to marry me and now she's just confused.

 

SHe is not confused - she is screwed up. YOu and she need to see a counselor pronto ..

[Ocean-Blue]

Actually as of 3 weeks ago she DID have magazines everywhere and WAS constantly bothering about this and that (we were planning on getting married in about 14 months). She had already made the guest list even. I don't think she's jerking me around, I think she genuinely wanted to marry me and now she's just confused.

 

If she's confused, you need to help her sort stuff out. Her history is alarming...and it's bound to be a thorn at your side. You need to somehow find a way to get her to address the issues. You're a sweet guy for sticking around and caring...for wanting to help her. But remember that if SHE doesn't want the help, well there's nothing much can do. So you have to ask yourself, how long are you willing to go on like this?

[jhend2887]

If she's confused, you need to help her sort stuff out. Her history is alarming...and it's bound to be a thorn at your side. You need to somehow find a way to get her to address the issues. You're a sweet guy for sticking around and caring...for wanting to help her. But remember that if SHE doesn't want the help, well there's nothing much can do. So you have to ask yourself, how long are you willing to go on like this?

 

As for "how long" I'm willing to go on like this: well, I'm happy with her. I wish she was happy with me, but as things stood I was perfectly content. And as they are now I'm really upset, but still prefer being with her than not. I guess I'll go on with it until it hurts more than it helps.

 

But good news! She agreed to go see a counselor with me and I think that's at least showing a sign that she seriously wants to work things out! I just need to find a good counselor around here... anyone know of any websites that have local listings for that sort of thing?

 

BTW: Ocean-Blue: I really appreciate the responses you've given and have seen some of the things you've told other people on this forum. It's nice to see an intelligent person who cares about such things ; thanks.

[Ocean-Blue]

jhend,

 

As for "how long" I'm willing to go on like this: well, I'm happy with her. I wish she was happy with me, but as things stood I was perfectly content. And as they are now I'm really upset, but still prefer being with her than not. I guess I'll go on with it until it hurts more than it helps.

 

I'll be the first to admit that in my past relationship, I didn't really want to work things out. I've posted quite a bit about this (and am starting to sound like a broken record)...but we lacked chemistry (although my ex did his best to show me that we did in fact have it). But anyway, just b/c I bolted, I don't think every relationship is doomed (where one SO is hesitant or wants space). If you two have a strong foundation, I think you can work it out. It's refreshing to see a man actually sticking around to help his SO through a tough time (to remind her of what you two have).

 

But good news! She agreed to go see a counselor with me and I think that's at least showing a sign that she seriously wants to work things out! I just need to find a good counselor around here... anyone know of any websites that have local listings for that sort of thing?

I am really happy for you! This is such an awesome step for you (that she agreed to see a counselor). Do your research and find one that suits your needs. And if need be, shop around. Make sure SHE is comfortable with your final decision.

 

Ocean-Blue: I really appreciate the responses you've given and have seen some of the things you've told other people on this forum. It's nice to see an intelligent person who cares about such things ; thanks.

 

[jhend2887]

I guess there isn't much more to say now, we just need to see the counselor and let time do its thing. I'll post back with updates of what happens. Thanks all.

[Pentula77]

 

Like I said, give her time/space. After that, re-evaluate your relationship. She's taking you for granted b/c she thinks you'll always be there. Hell you've made it through 6 yrs (on and off)...reallyshe figures, you're in the bag.

 

Give her time ? For what ! This is stupid advice , You don't give wishy washy women "space" or "time", you give them their options and tell 'em to choose wisely OR she is gone..

You need to take a stand here dude. She is being an attention wh*re with this guy at work. That makes her unfit to be with you.

Tough break man, but women with abuse history issues always make for bad LTRs -take it from a veteran.

 

On the money...

[Pentula77]

Guys when you hear or get any of this bs it's time to get tough...

 

We've lost the spark

I need space

LJBF's

I love you but I'm not in love with you

Can we take a break

I'm not sure if I have the same feelings as before

I need some time

There is this guy at work who's flirting with me but it is nothing (why bring it up ?)

 

 

or

 

Lack of intimacy in the relationship from her side

Lack of respect for your time (e.g cancelled dates)

 

I'm sure there are others...

 

If they're not treating u with respect shes out. Don't be her doormat or stepping stone.

 

Tough love !

[jhend2887]

Here is an update on the situation:

 

She went to an all-day party today and asked that I not go so she could have some "space". She told me she would be back around 6'ish. At 7 I called her to make sure she was okay, didn't get an answer and didn't leave a voice message. At 8:30 I was a little worried so I called my friend who was at the party and he said that the party was over and she went out to eat with some other people. At 9:00 I give her another call just to see if she'll answer. She finally calls me at 9:45.

 

I guess it's important that I note how INCREDIBLY uncharacteristic this is of her... she always calls me if she is running late and ALWAYS insists that I call her if I'm running late... so her being 3:45 late is freakin' HUGE. Had I EVER done that to her she would kill me.

 

So anyway, she's called me back, and then she acts like it's no big deal. She's like,"Well, we were having fun and I didn't want to talk." I told her that if she wanted to be out later then that was fine, but she should have at least had the common courtesy to call me and let me know what was going on. She says that she thinks this is one of our "problems", that we should just let life do what it does and not worry about where the other one is, or what has happened to them.

 

She then tells me that I'm not capable of understanding her anymore, and that she now has clarity in her life. She says she has had a dramatic change in her life, and she can't explain it, and that I am going to just have to accept the new "her".

 

But this is what just.... hurts like hell and has pretty much destroyed any hope I ever had for love in this world: She says that she was never truly happy with me. That she thinks she "created our romance" in her head so that she didn't have to deal with how depressing our relationship really was. She said she was just "settling" for me because she was scared to go after what she really wants. She says she's been depressed ever since we moved in together and she thinks that my personality has been "draining the life out of her."

 

WTF??? I just... I don't even know what to say. 6 years and she "created the romance in her head"? I love her... I've never felt as passionate about anything as much as I have about her... and I've done so much for her. I just can't believe that it's all been a lie... She's the one person I trust in this world and now... I don't even know.

 

And to wrap it up... She left the engagement ring on my desk this morning, and she told me earlier on the phone she's moving in with her mom on Tuesday. With how things have gone today... I don't think we have a relationship to work on anymore. We haven't officially broken up yet, but I think that will happen tomorrow... (she told me on the phone that she was frustrated with talking to me since I didn't understand her new outlook on life, and asked that we "continue this" in the morning)

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Okay, I just needed to get that off of my chest. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW is WHAT THE HELL happened to her? She isn't even the same person she was a week ago. Has anyone ever had that happen to them before? What do you do about it? Should I just left 6 years of my life, and the only person I truly care about, go away? Should I try to see if she snaps out of it? Should I still even try to salvage this thing?

 

If anyone has any good advice I'll be glad to take it. Now, I think some very strong alcohol is calling my name.