abeliever Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 There is nothing that she/he can do that would ever undo what she has done to you. {quote} Lies, tells you a little then lies again. She is looking you dead in your face and maybe your crying and maybe not. But she still did it? Is that really your best friend? Is that a TRUE marriage? I with the others have gone thru this. THEY NEVER COME CLEAN UNLESS YOU UNCOVER IT. I wish I had a nickle everytime someone puts that on here. Sorry my friend they just lie and lie and you may never know the full version-ever. Sorry I wanted you to hear it. It is so hard for any of us to get that thru. But it is a reality. I am so sorry for what you are going thru. If saving your marriage is your goal then pay attention. You and her have a long road. It can be done, it just a long hard road and even then it may not work out. But all the same I do really wish and hope it works out. Here if you need us. abeliever
Author BHBV66 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 To abeliever and White Flower, Thank you for the support. It's the saddest thing I've had to go thru in a long long time. I know my kids are suffering big time over it, the fact that we're hurting for money doesn't help either. I found a note where she expressed her feelings, as in a diary, that she wishes I hadn't pushed so hard on the situation w/ this guy, and that now bad things are coming our way because of how I handled the situation with him. She emphasized "very very bad", twice at two different instances in the note. As if she knows he's about to do something terrible, or maybe she is, like sleep with him or something. She does mention that she wishes we went to counselling and how she loves me, how she wishes I made her a priority, and how she wishes I found someone that treats me better than she. btw, she didn't plan for me to find the note, I know. Thanks anyway guys, I'm not sure where our relationship is headed, but it does not look good right now. I'll keep you all posted. bhbv66
4whatItsWorth Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I agree with the one poster who said perhaps your W doesn't think of ways of appreciation the way you show her? Perhaps taking out the garbage would have meant more than a hug? I'm wondering if all of sudden I don't understand english but I can't really see how this is unforgivable...seriously, people on these boards have done WAY worse. For example, that guy who's wife screwed his best friend for 5 years out of 6 in marriage - now THAT is when you should kick the wife out and file for custody. As far as I've understood...she never met up with the guy. True it's bad for her to look for validation, she might be immature, and cheaters won't tell the details unless they're faced with them...but I'd say this couple would have had a much better chance than the ones where the W has cheated on the guy for years... However, you did mention that you can no longer love your wife the way you used to...so I guess then all is lost.
Havn_a_life Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 To abeliever and White Flower, Thank you for the support. It's the saddest thing I've had to go thru in a long long time. I know my kids are suffering big time over it, the fact that we're hurting for money doesn't help either. I found a note where she expressed her feelings, as in a diary, that she wishes I hadn't pushed so hard on the situation w/ this guy, and that now bad things are coming our way because of how I handled the situation with him. She emphasized "very very bad", twice at two different instances in the note. As if she knows he's about to do something terrible, or maybe she is, like sleep with him or something. She does mention that she wishes we went to counselling and how she loves me, how she wishes I made her a priority, and how she wishes I found someone that treats me better than she. btw, she didn't plan for me to find the note, I know. Thanks anyway guys, I'm not sure where our relationship is headed, but it does not look good right now. I'll keep you all posted. bhbv66 In my opinion, it's ridiculous for her to make statements like that, even to herself. It sounds like she's giving herself a reason/excuse to cheat. She needs to wake up and see what she has at home and realize the guy she wants to screw is all there is to it, just a screw. She has to live with her actions later. You should never feel ashamed you "pushed so hard". You're pushing because you want your M to work. She must not. Handling the situation with the guy like she thinks you did, sounds like she's saying you pushed her closer to the jerk. If that's the way her tastes run, I'd tell her ok, see ya later, I'm gonna find a real woman to love and who'll love me and be faithful to me, in all ways. "ver very bad", means, I want to have a sexual relationship with Jerk Boy, so I'm handing myself this excuse so I'll feel good about myself when I'm doing it. I think your W is a very selfish woman, and I use that word loosely. No offense, but she doesn't sound very loving herself.
JustBreathe Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I would bet that bit about going to the PD and then not going forward with the restraining order was just upping the ante. She may not have ever intended to do anything. She thought you'd back out. It was pure show. My H threatened me with divorce and all kinds of things. He thought he could continue to walk on me. He treated me like crap after d-day. The scars never healed. Oh yes, my H had his head deep in his behind. It took me kicking him out to knock him off the fence. He had to make a decision right then because I couldn't handle anymore of his b.s. and had went no contact. Sometimes the only thing that works is a firm kick in the behind. You have to shake her up. If she leaves you, then you have lost nothing but a cheating wife. If she comes back to you, then it will be on your terms. My H did wake up, but only after my love for him had been shredded and died away. I hope you don't take it that far and totally lose what feelings you have for her.
Author BHBV66 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I still have feelings for her, though not the way they used to be. I now can control myself much better without having any contact with her, and that's sort of scared her a bit 'cause she always knew that she could control me via sex (giving me or not giving me), and now she can't. In any event, I have come to terms that she definitely has deeper feelings for the other guy than what she has lead on to, though she denies it completely. I can give this advise to anyone in this situation. DO NOT OVERREACT WHEN YOU FIRST FIND OUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR. Hindsite, even though I was low key 'till I had evidence, I still did not prepare myself mentally to act cold and detached, hence, I let emotions get in the way and she was very good at manipulating that. Thanks to all for your comments and support.
Author BHBV66 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I agree in that she still did not want to shut the door completely on their friendship. It's why I've lost all trust in her. Without trust, you can live together, but don't fool yourselves. You must know where you stand and what your reality is in that relationship. If you stay for your kids or because you still love your spouse, you musn't kid yourself that you'll have their undevided love and trust because you won't. But most important, love yourself first, and keep your self respect.
JustBreathe Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 BHBV: "Without trust, you can live together, but don't fool yourselves. You must know where you stand and what your reality is in that relationship." Truer words were never spoken. Only you will know whether you can live with her without the trust, or not. There is no statute of limitations on divorce. Take your time with this all important decision. Why do the cheaters always run after these low lifes that aren't worth crap? The office mattress my H was cheating with had a husband who has some kind of debilitating disease of the lungs for pete's sake. He is pale, thin and sickly, can hardly work. They have 3 kids. How whacked was her sense of right and wrong? I was very good to my husband as you were to your wife. I loved him so much. And yes, I heard the old dramatic I love you but I'm not in love with you trash also. The need for valida-a-a-ay-tion. All of that garbage. He could never say I never gave him the attention he needed as that was all I did. But outside of that, it was pretty much as you describe your experience has been. My H's affair with the human mattress started much as your W's affair. They were "friends" for a long time. Yet, I sensed the same kinds of things you describe whenever they were together. She was always cold to me. When they were together I could feel the vibes between them. But I blinded myself. I did not trust my gut feelings. Did not want to beileve it. I love that you told his wife. I just love that because I could not tell the OW's husband, I just couldn't do it to him, and sometimes I regret it. He has enough problems just staying somewhat healthy, though. I wanted to sooooo badly though. I was full of vengence ideas also. I even thought about seducing him and killing him because he gets short of breath if he has sex. How awful is that? I am not violent or hateful either. A little vengence is good if you ask me. All may not agree. Some kind of retribution would have helped me, I think. Instead she helped jack up my life and got off scott free. It still galls me. My H has never come completely clean either.
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