BHBV66 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Caught my wife cheating on me via Internet/e-mail with her first love/bf from when she was 14. He lives 3,000+ miles away cross-country, he's m w/ kids also. We had been having financial problems and other stuff, but, I always made sure that she knew how I felt about her, I always told her how beautiful she is, how much I love her, I hugged her all the time. She told me she always felt she was not a priority to me, and that frustrated her immensely. She said she felt unappreciated, and that she wanted to feel like a priority to someone, hence, when he called out of the blue, he picked up on the fact she was frustrated and began to play the "white knight". She of course, was all too happy to have him telling her all sweet nothings and stuff. Shortly after the first call, they began to exchange e-mails, which led to more phone calls and finally, plans to secretely meet. I first heard of it as she began to say she wanted to take a vacation by herself, no me, no kids, just to relax and clear her mind. At first I was ok with it as I can understand, she homeschools our kids, and been with them 24/7 for the past 10 years while I got to travel on business from time to time. She always mentioned how she wanted to go to the west coast, etc. I had known that he lived on the WC, Later I found out that they had been in "e-mail" contact mostly. It's when I first suspected what was going on. Unfortunately for me, my suspicions were correct. I secretely discovered all that was going on between them. At the time she was planning the trip, I began to get suspicious, and asked her to stay together rather than to take a trip by herself and she agreed. Later when I discovered the whole affair, I found out how right I was. However, it also seemed to me that she was content in not going thru with it, sort of like having an innocent adventure/fantasy that never materialized. They kept contact but she all but resigned herself to know that it wasn't going to go anywhere (distance and the fact I had found out about their contact). You must understand, my wife and I always have been best friends, I always knew she was my one person in life I could always count on for everything, no matter how terrible/great the situation, and the same for her. I always felt that we had a very open book relationship and that we couldn't cheat on each other due to how much we catered to one another. I tried to be open minded (no swinging stuff, just open minded to hear her every thoughts), so I could be there for her and she for me. No matter what. When I confronted her w/ my evidence, I asked her to come clean, with all details about the affair, including details of EVERYTHING that was planned, said etc. I was hungry for the truth. I wanted to know where exactly I stood vs. where I thought I stood. She never came clean, she only admited to things after I exposed her of knowing about it, she'd offer details after I mentioned the general topic, etc. But she never "just came clean". She even tried to claim that she was pushing him into meeting with her more than him pushing her. SHe protected him 'till the end and then some. Even though she claimed that she didn't care for him, but her actions were always to protect him from getting exposed. What enraged me more about him was that, when I confronted him over the phone, he appologized vaguely just like, "hey, if my contacting your wife caused you pain I'm sorry, but now I'm busy so leave me alone you waste of life". This of course put me on a mission to expose him to his wife, which was not easy, but finally got it done. It hurt me that while she always claimed that he doesn't mean anything to her, she still protected him, even when he did things that he knew would cause more friction between her and I. Don't worry, the weasel finally got exposed and he's now just beginning to face up to HIS wife just as my wife had to face up to me. While I've resigned myself to knowing in my heart, that she's still has strong feelings for him (though she'll never admit it), we have kids and have to move on w/ the R. However, I no longer trust her and it's the worse thing to live with, had she at least come clean with everything I'd at least could hold on to the fact that when I confronted her and looked her in the eyes, she'd told me the truth, but she lied to my face and I can't forget that. I now remember that a couple of years back, she used to take care of a couple's kids on wednesdays. This couple are friends of ours, and their kids friends w/ our kids so she'd take care of the kids while they played w/ ours. H used to pick them up after his work while his W was still working. We had all known that this couple were having M problems, and when he'd pick up the kids, he'd stay and chat w/ my wife and my sister-in-law (she'd come over to have her kids play also) about his marital problems. My wife would tell me sometimes what he'd say how frustrated he was since his wife would hold out on him for sex for almost a month without, etc. My W would comment how sorry she felt for him that he was going thru that. That of course enraged me because my wife often did it to me, holding out upto 4 months at a time, and she never felt sorry for me but here she was feeling sorry for him. H once told me how he'd told his W that he gave her everything she wanted, all he wanted was for her to be fit (she was overweight) and for her to have sex w/ him more often, at least once or twice a week. I of course already knew this was his problem as my wife had commented this to me before. He then mentioned that he told his W that she should be like MY W physically, as my W had had 3 kids and his only 2, yet my W was in perfect shape and his was Overweight. While this was a bit strange for him to be telling me this about his and my W, I told him how wrong he was to compare his W to mine, especially to his own W. I left it at that, thinking it was a comment by a frustrated husband to his wife and never gave it another thought. Then, my wife abruptly ended the arrangement of taking care of their kids w/o full explaining why, only that she no longer wanted to do it. I took it more that she felt she was getting in between them both without wanting to, since he continued to use her as an example for his wife as to how his wife should look. This of course made his wife bitter towards my wife, and I understood that to be the reason why the wife felt resentment towards my W, even though nothing was ever said in the open. After exposing my wife about her affair, and after a lot of conversations, I found out that when he'd come to pick up his kids, not only was my wife mostly alone (no sis-in-law) with the kids, but that he'd stay ovver for 2-3 hours before going home. After all this, this old story took on another level. Because my wife was never forthcoming w/ info about her affair, and the fact she lied to my face when I asked her point blank, I now have suspicions between my w and this guy. The fact that the kids were there means nothing, trust me, my W and I have escaped into our bedroom while the kids were playing in plain daylight/middle of day, come back in a few mins and kids never suspect anything. Plus, I notice that when the few times we see the H in a group setting (other frinds b-day's etc), even though his wife and him are more distant to our group, I notice how my W hardly ever speaks to his W and him, but I've caught her quickly glancing at him and vice versa. It could be just casual glancing, but knowing the history makes me think... If there had been no history, I'd dismiss it as nothing, but my mind is just wondering now... Sorry for the "book" I wrote here, but this had been a long time coming, me trying to vent and hear from others. Thanks for all your comments, Broken-hearted but vengeful
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You need to find an avenue for that vengeance! I read this and honestly... I dont like your wife! I'm sure your not the perfect husband... but she lies too much. It may be time for a divorce! Also you may want to pull that guys wife aside and ask her some questions... she will know more than you about this!
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You need to find an avenue for that vengeance! I read this and honestly... I dont like your wife! I'm sure your not the perfect husband... but she lies too much. It may be time for a divorce! Also you may want to pull that guys wife aside and ask her some questions... she will know more than you about this! well put. i read it and didn't know what to say. she's obviously got problems within herself. doesn't sound like she's an honest person. i know it sucks but look at it this way, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 well put. i read it and didn't know what to say. she's obviously got problems within herself. doesn't sound like she's an honest person. i know it sucks but look at it this way, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Straight up! I'd find some way to get her thrown in jail! Take full custody of the kids and divorce her! Shoot, make fun of her until she smacks you with something and then call the cops.
Darth Vader Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You need to find an avenue for that vengeance! I read this and honestly... I dont like your wife! I'm sure your not the perfect husband... but she lies too much. It may be time for a divorce! Also you may want to pull that guys wife aside and ask her some questions... she will know more than you about this! I agree! I'm sure they "BANGED" each other! The looks at each other is body language, almost like they're saying "if they knew, we'd be dead!" She's cheated on you once, she's probably done it before, if not several times. I say Dump her, but make sure you get a good mens rights Lawyer, or she'll screw you over for her cheating! Do you still have that evidence? Yes, talk to that other guys wife, she knows something!
Havn_a_life Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 From my point of view, I have to say, I agree with all of the posters who made comments about your situation(your W). She thinks she's being neglected and not appreciated even though you show her everyday that you care about her? Sounds like she's very spoiled and wants something new, some strange. I would ask that potential OM's W. She may know something, indeed. You know how much you care about your W and if you've shown it and she still complains, there's something wrong within her, not you. You sound like a good H. Good luck to you and your kids.
Integra Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Don't worry about the book. We all have them... Ditto w/ almost everythings else that has been said. I really think you need to talk to the W/ of the first potential OM.. You sound very sincere when you say that you show your wife love and affection everyday. But, my only question would be this.. Is it at all, remotely possible, that they way you show affection and the way she views affection could be two different things? Happens alot in M's... Now, the above in no way let's her off the hook for cheating.. Nope that's all her.. Your W, if you have any hope of your M working needs to be honest w/ you.. Period. No denying, no brushing it off.. Also, your W has HS'd your kids for 10yrs, while you had a career and even traveled occasionally. There is a really big chance, that alot of what your W has been doing has been a way for her to feel special (in her mind). For her to feel needed and wanted outside of the family unit. You have that w/ your job. Her job is the family unit. See what I mean. For her to get some type of recognition that she is more than just W & mother.. When you are w/ your kids 24/7 you are there parent, their teacher their friend, you are their everything. Then when you H comes home from work, then you are supposed to be his, so to speak.. She listens to your day. Where you went, what you did, and so on. When she shares her day.. It's home and kids... She is creating scenarios (like w/ LD OMM) where in her mind, she is something more, that she has more to offer. No matter how much you may appreciate and love her for all she does. She is looking for outside validation. Validation, that most would receive at there jobs, or other outlets. Sadly, most of the time when a woman is feeling very needy, the simplest form of validation to get is usually through attraction and sexuality. Easy to get, instant results. Temporary validation... But there again.. I could be completely of the mark.. But I was a HS mom for 2yrs.. So, just thought I'd throw in my 2 bits.. Just for the record.. Needing that feeling of validation is one of the main reasons people give for cheatng.. And it's a sucky excuse... If one is not feeling validated in a relationship then it needs to be discussed openly and rationally w/ one's partner.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Until your wife is completely ready to own up, feel remorse, deeply from her heart, full of regret and be willing to work on the marriage, work on herself so SHE can be the woman she's meant to be, nothing will change. She needs to understand what her actions have done to you, to your marriage. To your love, faith and trust in her. Very rarely do I tell people this, but I would honestly go talk to a lawyer, make sure YOU get full custody of the kids and get her OUT of the house. Her behaviour is/was disguisting, and her non-actions now aren't showing you she's willing to change or make things right with you. Sorry for your pain.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Don't worry about the book. We all have them... Ditto w/ almost everythings else that has been said. I really think you need to talk to the W/ of the first potential OM.. You sound very sincere when you say that you show your wife love and affection everyday. But, my only question would be this.. Is it at all, remotely possible, that they way you show affection and the way she views affection could be two different things? Happens alot in M's... Now, the above in no way let's her off the hook for cheating.. Nope that's all her.. Your W, if you have any hope of your M working needs to be honest w/ you.. Period. No denying, no brushing it off.. Also, your W has HS'd your kids for 10yrs, while you had a career and even traveled occasionally. There is a really big chance, that alot of what your W has been doing has been a way for her to feel special (in her mind). For her to feel needed and wanted outside of the family unit. You have that w/ your job. Her job is the family unit. See what I mean. For her to get some type of recognition that she is more than just W & mother.. When you are w/ your kids 24/7 you are there parent, their teacher their friend, you are their everything. Then when you H comes home from work, then you are supposed to be his, so to speak.. She listens to your day. Where you went, what you did, and so on. When she shares her day.. It's home and kids... She is creating scenarios (like w/ LD OMM) where in her mind, she is something more, that she has more to offer. No matter how much you may appreciate and love her for all she does. She is looking for outside validation. Validation, that most would receive at there jobs, or other outlets. Sadly, most of the time when a woman is feeling very needy, the simplest form of validation to get is usually through attraction and sexuality. Easy to get, instant results. Temporary validation... But there again.. I could be completely of the mark.. But I was a HS mom for 2yrs.. So, just thought I'd throw in my 2 bits.. Just for the record.. Needing that feeling of validation is one of the main reasons people give for cheatng.. And it's a sucky excuse... If one is not feeling validated in a relationship then it needs to be discussed openly and rationally w/ one's partner. It's so great to hear your responses and I so appreciate it. I feel a bit bad as maybe I made her sound like the biggest jerk on earth. I must remind myself that she did not actually sleep w/ the Internet affair guy, they never saw each other during that period, in fact they haven't seen each other in almost 23 years. But her refusal to disclose did leave me w/ the worse feeling in the world. Regarding the other H. I'm not really sure anything happened, in fact, there are also lots of evidence that nothing happened, but I can't discard the possibilities it did either. I think you're all right, somehow I have to speak to the W and get her point of view and what she knows. You're all right, I'm not a great H either, I know I did a lot of things to not help the situation, and I did have the out, my business travels. She'd always been so honest with me up until this, it's why I feel so betrayed, and crazy about the whole thing. But I also don't want to make it sound like I'm Mr. Perfect either. Thanks for all your inputs, keep them coming. This is so therapeutic.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Don't worry about the book. We all have them... Ditto w/ almost everythings else that has been said. I really think you need to talk to the W/ of the first potential OM.. You sound very sincere when you say that you show your wife love and affection everyday. But, my only question would be this.. Is it at all, remotely possible, that they way you show affection and the way she views affection could be two different things? Happens alot in M's... Now, the above in no way let's her off the hook for cheating.. Nope that's all her.. Your W, if you have any hope of your M working needs to be honest w/ you.. Period. No denying, no brushing it off.. Also, your W has HS'd your kids for 10yrs, while you had a career and even traveled occasionally. There is a really big chance, that alot of what your W has been doing has been a way for her to feel special (in her mind). For her to feel needed and wanted outside of the family unit. You have that w/ your job. Her job is the family unit. See what I mean. For her to get some type of recognition that she is more than just W & mother.. When you are w/ your kids 24/7 you are there parent, their teacher their friend, you are their everything. Then when you H comes home from work, then you are supposed to be his, so to speak.. She listens to your day. Where you went, what you did, and so on. When she shares her day.. It's home and kids... She is creating scenarios (like w/ LD OMM) where in her mind, she is something more, that she has more to offer. No matter how much you may appreciate and love her for all she does. She is looking for outside validation. Validation, that most would receive at there jobs, or other outlets. Sadly, most of the time when a woman is feeling very needy, the simplest form of validation to get is usually through attraction and sexuality. Easy to get, instant results. Temporary validation... But there again.. I could be completely of the mark.. But I was a HS mom for 2yrs.. So, just thought I'd throw in my 2 bits.. Just for the record.. Needing that feeling of validation is one of the main reasons people give for cheatng.. And it's a sucky excuse... If one is not feeling validated in a relationship then it needs to be discussed openly and rationally w/ one's partner. You're right, we went thru a period that she was expressing that although I felt I was being affectionate with her, she was feeling totally the opposite. The more I did it, the more she repelled me. I do believe that 10 yrs HS has caught up with her sense of worth, self esteem, and her willingness to do a lot for herself as well as all of us as a family. She's always wanted for all of us to take a vacation that we haven't been able to do due to $$. I can't deny that she has been my best friend, had it not been for this, she's the perfect woman. She's the greatest Mom and how she's sacrified herself and her carrer for our kids. All our kids are well advanced in their school, my 9 yr old reads at almost a college level, the elder siblings are all taking college level AP courses in dual enrollment, they'll graduate HS w/ an A.A. if not more. But, I can't seem to get past the lying and the cover up, even after I confronted her.
reboot Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 But, I can't seem to get past the lying and the cover up, even after I confronted her.They ALWAYS lie and cover up.
Havn_a_life Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 You shouldn't get past it, until she deals with it and gets rid of lying to you altogether. No M can survive if one spouse lies to the other. There should always be 100% honesty or it won't work. I know. I've had that kinda M and it's hell on the spouse who is truthful.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 She has appologized profusely, been remorseful about what she's done. She said her intentions were to get my attention and this guy 3000+ miles away was convenient because of the distance, she has begged for forgiveness over and over. She claims and claims nothing else has ever happened with anyone else ever. Guess I'll find out more when I speak to OMW
Integra Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 But, I can't seem to get past the lying and the cover up, even after I confronted her. Here's the sticking point. She can not, not matter what her intentions were.. She can not lie and cover up. She broke your trust.. She broke that "tie that binds" in a marriage.. You can not begin rebuild a new foundation for you marriage if she is not 110% honest and forthcoming.. And at some point, you shouldn't have to confront for answers, she should be willingly giving you answers. The two of you can not begin to rebuild until both of you are completely honest about everything that happened during this situation, how you are both feeling about it, and eventually all the feelings that led to the present problems.. Believe me, everything that is unfurling now, didn't just happen... If she begins to become honest about all of this. You need to be prepared for whatever you hear.. Believe me, you never know what you are going to hear.. Just read around here for a day or two.. Look at all the different things people have heard (true and untrue), but that is part of rebuilding your marriage.. Her truth today (if she ever reveals it) may not be the same as her truth two yrs from now.. And yours might not be either...
Havn_a_life Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 She has appologized profusely, been remorseful about what she's done. She said her intentions were to get my attention and this guy 3000+ miles away was convenient because of the distance, she has begged for forgiveness over and over. She claims and claims nothing else has ever happened with anyone else ever. Guess I'll find out more when I speak to OMW That's exactly what I'd count on, if I were you. Ask that woman. She has no reason to lie, one way or another.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Only reason I see OMW lying is that she may be concerned about what'd do to him, after all, she never left him, and he provides for her as well. The only hope I have is that OMW is not a frail, scared, submissive-type wife, she's very strong-willed, which leads me to think that if she knew they went all the way she'd divorced him by now, but I won't know for sure 'till I talk to her. This may take some time, as I have to plan to meet her alone w/o her kids and w/o anyone else that may find out. I'll keep you all posted.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Also, more light on the internet A. I found the email exchange between them, I confronted OM, not surprising he turned out to be a P... Kept denying everything 'till I pushed his buttons, then he began to insult me. So I found his home add and sent a pckg to his wife. She called me and mentioned it was not his first time doing this to her. She thanked me for letting her know. My w once asked me why I was so relentless in going after this guy. Needless to say that she never did help me expose him to his w.
share&care Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Caught my wife cheating on me via Internet/e-mail with her first love/bf from when she was 14. He lives 3,000+ miles away cross-country, he's m w/ kids also. We had been having financial problems and other stuff, but, I always made sure that she knew how I felt about her, I always told her how beautiful she is, how much I love her, I hugged her all the time. Broken-hearted but vengeful I'm sorry to hear about your situation and lack of trust in this matter. Is it possible that you were always the "vengeful" type and knowing this, your W felt she had to protect the OM? Just a hunch. She may have felt it an impossible task to open up to you completely with the truth. In her defense (my H has a vengeful personality, BTW) she may have made up her mind to end it anyway, so it wasn't neccessary to give up all the information because it wasn't going to serve any purpose. And now perhaps you are transposing the A on the daycare dad because you fear being caught unaware once again, not that I can blame you, but nonetheless, I didn't sense that it was as obvious as previously mentioned by another member on this thread. Give her a chance to show you she's sorry. Hang in there.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 She isnt gona help you find the truth, because she's addicted to this little affair that's one. two after this is all over your gonna have to realize that she may never be your wife againa dn may resent you for meddling in her doings. Right now she is a wayward wife. Maybe she's lost in this proverbial fog I hear maybe she's very lucid and knows exactly what she's doing. But I dont know one thing, be prepared for her to say she wants a divorce, she will throw a tandrum and act otu. She will possibly make your life a living hell by messing with your emotions. Be ready. You might have to end it anyway's.
Havn_a_life Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about your situation and lack of trust in this matter. Is it possible that you were always the "vengeful" type and knowing this, your W felt she had to protect the OM? Just a hunch. She may have felt it an impossible task to open up to you completely with the truth. In her defense (my H has a vengeful personality, BTW) she may have made up her mind to end it anyway, so it wasn't neccessary to give up all the information because it wasn't going to serve any purpose. And now perhaps you are transposing the A on the daycare dad because you fear being caught unaware once again, not that I can blame you, but nonetheless, I didn't sense that it was as obvious as previously mentioned by another member on this thread. Give her a chance to show you she's sorry. Hang in there. I'm still trying to figure out why his W felt she needed to stray if her H was providing a secure and loving home for her. That's the real story. Boy, would I love to talk with her. When you M a man who's loving, caring, and shows it everyday, you thank your lucky stars and don't screw it up, not do what this guy's W did. Obviously he has a vengeful nature for a reason.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I'm still trying to figure out why his W felt she needed to stray if her H was providing a secure and loving home for her. That's the real story. Boy, would I love to talk with her. When you M a man who's loving, caring, and shows it everyday, you thank your lucky stars and don't screw it up, not do what this guy's W did. Obviously he has a vengeful nature for a reason. I must say that I always thought of myself as a very very peaceful person, perhaps too complacent before. I became very vengeful particularly with internet A OM. As he basicly rubbed it in my face. But what drove me harder to get him, is how little he thought of my W. He wasn't even a gentleman or a stand-up guy under the circumstances (If he cared for her at all), he knew he had helped in putting her in a living hell w/ me, and chose to attack me both in words and in actions, as he continued to attempt to "contact" my W, knowing that everytime he did, she and I would argue again and again. He even called his local PD to report me as "harassing/threatening phone calls". He's a big coward, and he did all this w/o any regards to her, which angered me that he only thought of her as a nothing, a rag to use and throw away. I tell you, that's what drove me off the wall, 'cause I still care for her, and she's still the mother of my children.
Author BHBV66 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about your situation and lack of trust in this matter. Is it possible that you were always the "vengeful" type and knowing this, your W felt she had to protect the OM? Just a hunch. She may have felt it an impossible task to open up to you completely with the truth. In her defense (my H has a vengeful personality, BTW) she may have made up her mind to end it anyway, so it wasn't neccessary to give up all the information because it wasn't going to serve any purpose. And now perhaps you are transposing the A on the daycare dad because you fear being caught unaware once again, not that I can blame you, but nonetheless, I didn't sense that it was as obvious as previously mentioned by another member on this thread. Give her a chance to show you she's sorry. Hang in there. These were my wife's words exactly. However, since this, every time we have another arguement, it seems that we lose more and more love for each other. I know I do. And I'm affraid that I'm headed towards complete indifference towards her, which is something I've never felt before about her. I'm very sadden by this, as I've always felt she was my soulmate, and I would have never fathomed feeling like this. I used to always tell her that I felt she was no longer "in love" with me, I knew she loved me, but she wasn't "in love". Even before all of this. This whole A only reinforced my feelings about that, and has made me a believer that she has much deeper feelings for OM than she admits. Her words are that she doesn't care about him at all, and she's even pledged to help me "get him", but all this is in words only, whenever I've asked for her help, like putting a restraining order on his calling, we went to the PD but she never got out of the car to file the report. In my view, I'm convinced where her loyalties and feelings lie. Some with me only because I'm her H and the father of her kids, but that's it. Funny, I know that the only way to get past this is to move on, which is why I want to move on, but, since she never "fully" disclosed everything w/o my dragging it out of her, I've not had complete closure. It still affects me daily, but it's like the big 800lb gorilla in the room that we can't acknowledge it's there. It affects everything I and we do, but we don't talk about it anymore. It's why I'm almost resigned to the fact that we're not going to survive this in the long run.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I'm still trying to figure out why his W felt she needed to stray if her H was providing a secure and loving home for her. That's the real story. Boy, would I love to talk with her. When you M a man who's loving, caring, and shows it everyday, you thank your lucky stars and don't screw it up, not do what this guy's W did. Obviously he has a vengeful nature for a reason. Some people are never content with just what they have at home. I've seen it happen alot where's the man has a hot smoking and faithful wife and he still manages to cheat, and vice versa to the women. Some people beyond all natural comprehension is just greedy. Being here in loveshack read the OM/OW boards and you'll see exactly what I'm talking bout.
Havn_a_life Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Some people are never content with just what they have at home. I've seen it happen alot where's the man has a hot smoking and faithful wife and he still manages to cheat, and vice versa to the women. Some people beyond all natural comprehension is just greedy. Being here in loveshack read the OM/OW boards and you'll see exactly what I'm talking bout. I know several friends who've been in that situation, and i have read quite a few threads about it. it just still makes me wonder how people can be so blind to what they have at home. Where BHBV66 is concerned, I think from his words, that his W does have a thing for this OM. BHBV66's W will only see what an a*sshole the OM is when she's ready. My H even weeks after he ended the A with the OW didn't think she was capable of engineering a call to our home to tattle about his A. She was capable of it. He said he didn't think she could do it. She wasn't that type of person. He changed his tune months later when she threatened to have him fired from his job because he told her to leave him and his family alone. Sometimes, it takes the OP doing or saying something to the cheater to show them the OP's true nature. All in all, with the OM ,He's a coward and he's obviously unhappy in his own life so he needs to make someone else miserable while he's trying to get his own happiness.
White Flower Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 These were my wife's words exactly. However, since this, every time we have another arguement, it seems that we lose more and more love for each other. I know I do. And I'm affraid that I'm headed towards complete indifference towards her, which is something I've never felt before about her. I'm very sadden by this, as I've always felt she was my soulmate, and I would have never fathomed feeling like this. I used to always tell her that I felt she was no longer "in love" with me, I knew she loved me, but she wasn't "in love". Even before all of this. This whole A only reinforced my feelings about that, and has made me a believer that she has much deeper feelings for OM than she admits. Her words are that she doesn't care about him at all, and she's even pledged to help me "get him", but all this is in words only, whenever I've asked for her help, like putting a restraining order on his calling, we went to the PD but she never got out of the car to file the report. In my view, I'm convinced where her loyalties and feelings lie. Some with me only because I'm her H and the father of her kids, but that's it. Funny, I know that the only way to get past this is to move on, which is why I want to move on, but, since she never "fully" disclosed everything w/o my dragging it out of her, I've not had complete closure. It still affects me daily, but it's like the big 800lb gorilla in the room that we can't acknowledge it's there. It affects everything I and we do, but we don't talk about it anymore. It's why I'm almost resigned to the fact that we're not going to survive this in the long run. Hi BHBV66 I know exactly what you mean about having the 800 lb gorilla in the room. It sounds as though you are doing every thing right. You have shared your feelings, communicated your desire to work through it, and stood by her side. But, her not talking about it won't make it go away. That gorilla will grow larger and larger and pretty soon neither of you will be able to live in the house with it. It sounds like you need marriage counceling AS WELL AS counceling separately for both of you. Wish I could get my H to go. At least for himself. But you can't make someone want to help themselves. Only they can do that. Is it possible that she will be able to deal with her issues with you if you not focus so much on "getting him"? It may not be her personality to make him suffer after all that has happened. It might be easier for her to let go if there is NC instead of prolonging things by having to see him in court, etc. You both need to focus on you two, and trust her to continue NC on her own. Filing a restraining order on him takes responsibility away from her. She may see it as you not trusting her fully to continue NC. Even though you're not sure it will work, at least give her a chance to try. She may be hurting over the shock of discovery and the break-up, but she still deserves a chance if she's expressed a desire to mend things with you. Hang in there BHBV66:)
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