BeautifulMusic Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Okay, so me and this guy had a first date and it went PERFECT! And I usually figure out on the first date that I don't like the guy, so the fact that I thought that was pretty huge! Not my type, but I actually really liked that about him... it made him fun and exciting and different. So we kept in touch and a couple weeks later he asked me out again. I was happy, but he asked me out at about 7PM on Saturday night to go out that night, so we'd have gone out like one or two hours after that, which is insulting because: (a) it makes it seem like he waited and made sure he had nothing better to do before he decided to ask me out (b) he was assuming I didn't have plans But, I brushed it off because all his talk was very sweet at the time and telling me that he missed me and all that, so I thought he really liked me. I already had something to do that night, so I asked if it was cool if we got together another night and explained why. He said that was cool. We kept talking, and multiple times since then I've tried to make plans with him, but he always says he's busy. So I finally straight up said to him, if you really are busy, I respect that, but if you don't want to see me again, I'd prefer if you just tell me. His response was that he wanted to see me a lot. It's been another two or three weeks since then, though, and things haven't changed. So, my question is, why does he bother with these mixed messages? If he doesn't want to go out with me again, it seems like keeping this going is a HUGE waste of his time. But if he wanted to go out with me again, he would've gone out with me again... so the whole thing just strikes me as odd. I would never do this. As you can tell by me asking him just to tell me if he didn't want to see me again, I'm a very straightforward person, so I just don't understand this. Any insight?
imstunned Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm really new here and am not really in any position to give advice as I'm in a bit of turmoil just now - BUT my first reaction to your post was that this guy is married. Is that possible?
latefragment Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 dude this sounds like exactly the same thing that i have been going thru except the guy that i have been dealing with um... shall we say , lied about his interest in me. but then does this whole thing where we don't see each other for weeks at a time. isn't it awful? but during the date you think everything is going perfectly - (ie. he's flirting with you, you both are laughing so hard at each other's jokes... you have a lot in common, blah blah blah). hate it. i'm sorry you're going through this.
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 That's actually funny that you should say that because he and I talk mostly over texting, and when I told a friend that, she said, are you sure he's not married? She was just teasing me though... we laughed about it! I don't think he's married. Of course, anything is possible... you never know. But from what he's told me about himself, it doesn't seem likely. He could have a girlfriend though, I guess. Or just be casually dating a lot of girls... but how many girls could he be dating that would keep him busy for this long?! hahaha
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 if he's a flake now do you think he's going to change?
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 dude this sounds like exactly the same thing that i have been going thru except the guy that i have been dealing with um... shall we say , lied about his interest in me. but then does this whole thing where we don't see each other for weeks at a time. isn't it awful? but during the date you think everything is going perfectly - (ie. he's flirting with you, you both are laughing so hard at each other's jokes... you have a lot in common, blah blah blah). hate it. i'm sorry you're going through this. Thanks. It is so rare that I find a guy I like who likes me, and I thought that was what happened here, which is what's most frustrating! I knew I still needed to get to know him better, which was why I was excited to go out with him again... and then all this drama unfolded. And, yes, it is awful. I feel jerked around... he needs to decide whether he wants to date me and send a consistent signal. And I can tell you were being private with how you were wording the first part of your post, but anything else you could say about him lying about his interest in you could be helpful. Never know if it could apply in this situation, too!
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 if he's a flake now do you think he's going to change? Wow. That's a good question, and to the point. I guess what I think is we've been out once and don't know each other all that well yet. I would obviously have to get to know him better to decide whether I'd want a relationship with him down the line, and I'd assume the same goes for him. So I guess a part of me hoped that once we got to know each other better, things would change. At this point, though, I'm so frustrated with being jerked around like this that I don't know that I would want that if he turned around tomorrow and stopped playing games. What I'm most interested in is understanding the reasons why he would act this way so I can put this situation into perspective and also be prepared for this in dealing with other guys in the future.
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Wow. That's a good question, and to the point. I guess what I think is we've been out once and don't know each other all that well yet. I would obviously have to get to know him better to decide whether I'd want a relationship with him down the line, and I'd assume the same goes for him. So I guess a part of me hoped that once we got to know each other better, things would change. At this point, though, I'm so frustrated with being jerked around like this that I don't know that I would want that if he turned around tomorrow and stopped playing games. What I'm most interested in is understanding the reasons why he would act this way so I can put this situation into perspective and also be prepared for this in dealing with other guys in the future. you don't deserved to be jerked around like that you're 100% right!! and my guess about his motivations....he's an idiot.
imstunned Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I have just found out that the guy I was dating for the past 8 months is married - with two kids. When I finally asked him I was half joking, so much did I not think it was the case. See if you can get a home phone number - and call him in the evening, and check out some ID!! oh - and next date go to his house, meet his friends and parents, and check out his ring finger. I'm only joking of course - but I STILL cant adjust to this guy I was seeing being married - so much did he not seem "the type". x
latefragment Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 so , beautiful music i guess i was trying to be a bit private about it, but the basic story is this guy was impossible to read. hot, cold, hot, cold. we went on a couple great dates ... at the end of each date (flirting, great intelligent conversation, laughing at *my* jokes too, etc., he's acting all nuts about me, etc.) i thought maybe he'll actually call for another date, but he didn't. then one or two weeks later i would break down and call or text. and then when i did, he wanted to see me right away. WTF so he does this hot cold thing. SUPER FLAKE. maybe he's after sex?. and at this point we haven't seen each other in like 2 months. I was traveling for a few weeks and when i returned i texted him hi but his response was lukewarm. of course i saw him right before i left and he was saying things like he wanted to see me as soon as i got back from my trip. blah blah blah. it hurt really bad because I liked him. and it's rare for me to "click" with someone ... I was surprised. i would be happy to go into greater detail with you on a PM but it looks like PM's aren't enabled for your account yet, I think you have to have a certain # of posts or something. The fact is, none of my friends, guy or girl, understands why he is acting this way. they think to themselves: if he is a player and just after sex, why isn't he even bothering to get in your pants? why isn't he trying to "play" you and get sex out of you? On the other hand: if he actually does like you, then why doesn't he call? I guess he is just... I don't know... crazy? What I don't get is why did he even waste his time and effort pretending to be interested and going on these dates with me when if he's not interested, please save us all the time and effort. I don't get it. What I'm saying in your case I sense similar vibes of this guy being really flakey or undecided and it just SUCKS!!!! I'm sorry! I hoped this shed some light, I mean... it still pisses me off to think about it. But hopefully he's not flakey and he'll like, actually call you or something to hang out again.
amber1 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 If he is treating you this way now, it doesn't get any better. You should get rid of this guy now. It's true, if he is flaking on you now IT WILL CONTINUE. You deserve sooooo much better than this. Let him go flake out on someone else.
jophil28 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 If he is treating you this way now, it doesn't get any better. You should get rid of this guy now. It's true, if he is flaking on you now IT WILL CONTINUE. You deserve sooooo much better than this. Let him go flake out on someone else. I think that I dated all of his sisters !
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 it hurt really bad because I liked him. and it's rare for me to "click" with someone ... I was surprised. i would be happy to go into greater detail with you on a PM but it looks like PM's aren't enabled for your account yet, I think you have to have a certain # of posts or something. The fact is, none of my friends, guy or girl, understands why he is acting this way. they think to themselves: if he is a player and just after sex, why isn't he even bothering to get in your pants? why isn't he trying to "play" you and get sex out of you? On the other hand: if he actually does like you, then why doesn't he call? I guess he is just... I don't know... crazy? What I don't get is why did he even waste his time and effort pretending to be interested and going on these dates with me when if he's not interested, please save us all the time and effort. I don't get it. What I'm saying in your case I sense similar vibes of this guy being really flakey or undecided and it just SUCKS!!!! I'm sorry! I hoped this shed some light, I mean... it still pisses me off to think about it. But hopefully he's not flakey and he'll like, actually call you or something to hang out again. Wow. Are we sure we're not dating the same guy? Maybe they're at least related?
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 If he is treating you this way now, it doesn't get any better. You should get rid of this guy now. It's true, if he is flaking on you now IT WILL CONTINUE. You deserve sooooo much better than this. Let him go flake out on someone else. Okay, tell me if this sounds like a bad idea to you... and I think you just did, but nevertheless, haha... Lately, we've JUST been texting, and I think that's part of the problem, because when we were actually together one-on-one everything went really well. I've tried to call him instead of just texting a couple of times, but he said because he has bad signal, texting is easier. So when I left a voicemail, he texted me back. So I think sometime next week I'm going to try calling him and have just a normal conversation and catch up on our lives and not mention making plans. Maybe if I don't bring it up, he will, and he just wants to make the plans himself? And if I just act cool about the whole thing, maybe that will spark his interest? But if that doesn't work, I'm not going to put myself through this anymore, because it's not fair to me- you're right about that. But I'm still up in the air about whether to do this- any thoughts?
buckdawg Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 nah. no texting. you don't need him to be who you are. just carry on as normal (w/out him) and see what happens. i still think he's a flake
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 No, but that's the point, I'm not going to text. I'd call and have a normal conversation. I agree that just texting at this point is getting me nowhere!
amber1 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Okay, tell me if this sounds like a bad idea to you... and I think you just did, but nevertheless, haha... Lately, we've JUST been texting, and I think that's part of the problem, because when we were actually together one-on-one everything went really well. I've tried to call him instead of just texting a couple of times, but he said because he has bad signal, texting is easier. So when I left a voicemail, he texted me back. So I think sometime next week I'm going to try calling him and have just a normal conversation and catch up on our lives and not mention making plans. Maybe if I don't bring it up, he will, and he just wants to make the plans himself? And if I just act cool about the whole thing, maybe that will spark his interest? But if that doesn't work, I'm not going to put myself through this anymore, because it's not fair to me- you're right about that. But I'm still up in the air about whether to do this- any thoughts? From my experience, guys who only text you are bad news! They usually turn out to be lazy. I've tried telling one of these kinds of guys to call me but for some reason this doesn't work. You know, I have been where you are, trying to think up ways to get through to a guy like this, but it all has ended up being a waste of time and energy. I know some of the stuff I've said sounds negative and isn't fun to hear, but it's the truth. These kinds of guys end up being so much work and it just isn't worth it. You end up suffering the whole time. Back to texting, a nice little text like "Have a great day!" or "Thinking about you!" is ALWAYS fine. But long conversations over text is never good...especially if the guy isn't calling. You can try calling him again, but remember you tried that before, and then he texted you back. What a jerk! If his signal is bad, can he not try a land line or friend's phone to call you back? See, he isn't putting forth effort like a guy who is really into you will. He is either a lazy butt or he isn't that into you...and usually the guy is lazy because he isn't that into you! There are good guys out there who will call you! Sometimes it just takes a little bit to find them...or them to find you. So yeah, I would let this guy go.
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 From my experience, guys who only text you are bad news! They usually turn out to be lazy. I've tried telling one of these kinds of guys to call me but for some reason this doesn't work. You know, I have been where you are, trying to think up ways to get through to a guy like this, but it all has ended up being a waste of time and energy. I know some of the stuff I've said sounds negative and isn't fun to hear, but it's the truth. These kinds of guys end up being so much work and it just isn't worth it. You end up suffering the whole time. Back to texting, a nice little text like "Have a great day!" or "Thinking about you!" is ALWAYS fine. But long conversations over text is never good...especially if the guy isn't calling. You can try calling him again, but remember you tried that before, and then he texted you back. What a jerk! If his signal is bad, can he not try a land line or friend's phone to call you back? See, he isn't putting forth effort like a guy who is really into you will. He is either a lazy butt or he isn't that into you...and usually the guy is lazy because he isn't that into you! There are good guys out there who will call you! Sometimes it just takes a little bit to find them...or them to find you. So yeah, I would let this guy go. Why does what you're saying have to make so much sense? <sigh> I don't date often, though, because I don't waste my time with guys I don't like, and the guys I like never seem to be the ones who like me. So I've been looking at it as mostly a choice between dating someone who's been a flake but may change and dating no one. I think that's why it's so hard for me. At the same time, even though I'm obviously not his girlfriend, I'm sure continuing to pursue something with him is keeping me from looking for someone else. And what's weirder is, I *KNOW* if I was his girlfriend I would never in a million years accept being treated like this. I just feel like it's hard for me to make demands on him this early on... you know? So even if I call him and hope he'll act differently this time, realistically, you're right, it probably won't change anything.
amber1 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Why does what you're saying have to make so much sense? <sigh> I don't date often, though, because I don't waste my time with guys I don't like, and the guys I like never seem to be the ones who like me. So I've been looking at it as mostly a choice between dating someone who's been a flake but may change and dating no one. I think that's why it's so hard for me. At the same time, even though I'm obviously not his girlfriend, I'm sure continuing to pursue something with him is keeping me from looking for someone else. And what's weirder is, I *KNOW* if I was his girlfriend I would never in a million years accept being treated like this. I just feel like it's hard for me to make demands on him this early on... you know? So even if I call him and hope he'll act differently this time, realistically, you're right, it probably won't change anything. I highlighted in your post where we are very similar. After dealing with guys who were flaky, I just got tired of it. I have also learned a lot from the advice from people on this forum. One thing is for sure, when you meet a guy who really likes you, you will never have to worry or ask questions. You won't have to ask questions about whether or not he likes you, or if and when you should call him, etc. He will show you that he likes you and he will call you. I still have doubts about guys when I first start dating them about whether or not they like me, etc., but this is because of what I have had to deal with in the past. I'm slowly learning that if a guy starts flaking out on me or treating me with disrespect that I should move on. You can hope he will change but in reality you are wasting time because more than likely he won't. Like you said before, you could be out meeting a guy who will treat you well but instead you are thinking about this one. Please don't call him, he isn't worth it.
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 I highlighted in your post where we are very similar. After dealing with guys who were flaky, I just got tired of it. I have also learned a lot from the advice from people on this forum. One thing is for sure, when you meet a guy who really likes you, you will never have to worry or ask questions. You won't have to ask questions about whether or not he likes you, or if and when you should call him, etc. He will show you that he likes you and he will call you. I still have doubts about guys when I first start dating them about whether or not they like me, etc., but this is because of what I have had to deal with in the past. I'm slowly learning that if a guy starts flaking out on me or treating me with disrespect that I should move on. You can hope he will change but in reality you are wasting time because more than likely he won't. Like you said before, you could be out meeting a guy who will treat you well but instead you are thinking about this one. Please don't call him, he isn't worth it. Amber, thank you for this. Even though it's hard for me to hear, I know it's what I need to hear and I know you're right. I don't know that I'll be able to keep myself from calling him one more time, and I don't know why, I can't explain it, because logically I know I shouldn't bother. I'm gonna keep thinking about what you said over the next couple of days before I do anything and hope it sinks in and I leave it alone. Thanks to everyone else for their responses, too!
latefragment Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I don't date often, though, because I don't waste my time with guys I don't like, and the guys I like never seem to be the ones who like me. So I've been looking at it as mostly a choice between dating someone who's been a flake but may change and dating no one. I think that's why it's so hard for me. And what's weirder is, I *KNOW* if I was his girlfriend I would never in a million years accept being treated like this. I just feel like it's hard for me to make demands on him this early on... you know? ONE Hundred Percent agreement. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I've been single for about 3 years (well, 2, if you count a guy I was involved with but not that interested in ...) and ... I DO feel like it's a choice between (1) being alone and feeling lonely or (2) being involved with a flakey guy that I like. That hurts too. Now, I am at the point of being overextended with work, goals, hobbies, etc., and i have a great deal of confidence. But i do get lonely for a romantic interest ... I feel like I've 'earned' the right to feel a bit lonely after a couple years of flying solo. My point is, I was explaining to one of my friends the other day that I realize it's better to be "alone" than put up with the kind of guy that I've described to you... being treated that way, I'd never accept it if we were in a relationship, no way! (just like you said, beautifulmusic). BUT... I told her, sometimes if you are lonely enough and haven't been kissed or held by a guy for,,, eons, being hugged or kissed by a flakey, horrible, douchebag (that you think is cute... and had good clicking with), IS better than being "alone" ... it's sick and twisted, but ... sometimes people just need physical contact... holding a hand, a kiss, something... Yeah, I'm the same way, I find it hard to find a guy that I like who likes me back. Which is why i'm still kind of stuck on this guy too. BUT I am actively looking for someone other than him... It's not like I'm sitting at home pining away JUST for him. Also.. one more thing. the TEXTING. We have GOT to be dating the SAME EXACT person. This guy (my guy) is classic. If I call, he texts back (sometimes right away, sometimes the next day or... never). He's only called me like, a few times, EVER. It's actually very rude. I hate it. So we've texted way more than we've ever talked on the phone. Isn't that horrible? Horrible that he does that and horrible that I am still like, thinking about him?
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I am glad to have someone who can relate to me on this! And if both these guys are doing this, there must be some personality type or some rationale they have... something that makes them act this way! So weird. And I bet when you *DO* talk to him, he's the sweetest, nicest, most charming guy, and says everything you want to hear, right? And that's truthfully what makes it so hard. Because it's so hard to reconcile his behavior with his words. And there were a couple guys this summer who liked me and wanted to date me but I didn't feel the same. One of them I did go on one date with, and he really was a genuinely nice guy, but very early in the evening I realized I just wanted to be friends. But I was very careful with those guys' feelings because they both seemed to really like me and I didn't want to hurt them- and I was also careful not to lead them on too. That's the way I am- very straightforward- which is why I don't understand why this guy can't (or, more accurately, won't) act the same! There is one other guy I like, and I like him A LOT. I met him this summer, too. What was up with this summer, anyway?! I never have so many guys interested in me in such a short time. Not that I'm complaining! haha. But, anyway, this guy and I are so compatible and we get along very well. It is so easy talking to him, I really do adore him. And he treats me wonderfully! But the problem is, he's going through a divorce right now and I know it's hard on him. So I'm sure the last thing he needs right now is some girl trying to date him. I think what he needs is a friend, so that's what I'm trying to be. The only thing is, I don't know how I'll know when the time is right to try to date him. And I don't know if being there for him now will put me in the friend zone. And I don't even know whether he views me as just a friend or is potentially interested in me. So yes, this other guy is not the only one I like, but it's not like I'm actively dating anyone else. I never would have gone out with the other guy if I felt like this guy was an option though. One morning I woke up to a text from the flaky guy that really irritated me and I fired off a reply to him and then thought, great, now my entire day has started off wrong! And then I texted this other guy about something completely different and in two seconds he had me laughing and feeling completely better again. And I thought, this is what it's *SUPPOSED* to be like, isn't it? And 3 years is how long it's been since my last relationship too! So many coincidences- maybe there's something about that specific length of time that makes us put up with more than most girls would?!
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Okay, so I had been thinking I might call him tonight just to have a casual conversation, and not bring up making plans... just to see if that changed anything. Just focus on enjoying the conversation, and let him ask me out if he wanted to see me. At least, that had been the plan. I'm really into music, and he only listens to a particular type of music. And I just found out that my favorite band is playing in town this weekend at an unannounced show, and the band opening for them plays the kind of music he likes. And I am SO tempted to ask him to it. Part of me says, oh if I suggest a specific activity like this that we'd both be into, maybe that will help. And I know we would have SO MUCH FUN doing this together. But part of me says, maybe I should just stick to the original plan. And I know Amber's advice about not calling him was probably the right advice, but I figure, if nothing else is going to happen with him at this point if I don't call him, what difference does it make? Hopefully it will make a positive difference and make things better. But if it doesn't, it doesn't, and I'll move on. But if I'm only going to try for this one more time, then I want to use the right approach. Any thoughts?
sunshinegirl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Beautiful, this is going to be really blunt, but I say it only because I think you need a wake-up call to what's going on here. So here goes: you sound desperate. He's a complete flake who won't even call you back. He is giving every sign that he's just not that into you, yet you continue to pursue him. You need to tear the blinders off. Two points: (1) Men and women in pursuit of a relationship typically put their BEST FOOT FORWARD from the beginning - the cracks, flaws, and weaknesses come out much later. If this is his best, where will it go from here? Quite honestly, he's not even really trying to pursue you. (2) You aren't even dating this guy yet but you already want him to change. That is a disaster in the making. You don't want him as-is, you want him to be someone else before you've even made it out of the starting gate! Please. Let this one go and go find that someone else.
Author BeautifulMusic Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 (2) You aren't even dating this guy yet but you already want him to change. That is a disaster in the making. You don't want him as-is, you want him to be someone else before you've even made it out of the starting gate! I don't want him to change. I want him to be the way he was until recently. Everything at the beginning went perfectly. And he has not given me "every sign" that he's not into me. All his words say that he is really into me. It's just his actions lately that are different. And one thing that I didn't mention before that may make a difference is that I indicated that I usually use my cell for texting when we originally exchanged numbers, so that may be partially why he is doing that. I just never expected 100% of our communication to be texting. And almost every single time I've texted him, he's texted me back. Until recently, he was initiating the texting, on an almost daily basis. Also, I should add that I would appreciate you not judging me. I'm not desperate. I've turned plenty of guys down over the last year because they weren't what I was looking for, but when I meet the rare guy that I am interested in, I have more patience with him, and that's my prerogative. If you think I'm going to take anything you say seriously when you're so superior about it, think again. And I've left out a lot of details in the interest of privacy that add significant shades of gray to this situation, so I know that limits how effective the feedback I get is, but that's a risk I'll have to take. At any rate, that wasn't my question- my question was, *IF* I decide to call him again, what's the best approach to take? Because I'm only giving this one more shot. So any advice relative to that, I'd love to hear. Whether I'll actually call him is a decision I'll make on my own.
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