Can I regain physical attraction for my b/f once it is lost?

[Darkzen]

Why does it always end up a fight, when you are involved, dear???

(Just something I've noticed in threads you post in....)

 

I think, maybe we are all saying the same things? You, me, jc, others.

 

Just that some folks seem to have a "nicer" way of stating it...

 

Peace.

 

LOL, I'm not fighting. I'm having a discussion, that's it. I'm not politically correct and don't sugarcoat anything. I'm honest, blunt and call things the way I see them. This obviously leads to conflicting opinions, that's how life works. I believe that people run away from a discussion, only if they're full of it. I see points people make, but the key to understanding is questioning things. That's what I do, I don't take things for face value... I question your opinion to try and understand it fully... as well as see who didn't put any thought into it.

[jcster]

However, he won't allow it. I am taking a business trip in the spring and I'd love to go alone (I'm one who needs some alone-time every now and again) but he won't let me. He constantly tells me we need more time together... I'm not sure what we need any more.

 

What do you mean, he "won't let you go?" I think this is getting very much to the heart of the problem - you have continually told him what you need, and he has refused to accomodate you. You have every right to go, and quite frankly, he has NO WAY of stopping you. Maybe it's time for you to put your foot down?

[Darkzen]

What do you mean, he "won't let you go?" I think this is getting very much to the heart of the problem - you have continually told him what you need, and he has refused to accomodate you. You have every right to go, and quite frankly, he has NO WAY of stopping you. Maybe it's time for you to put your foot down?

 

Yeah, react based on emotion, that'll fix things... talk to him and explain why you want to go, maybe he'll understand your reasons and give you his blessing. Although, I do hear that acting like a child really does it for guys.

[jcster]

So did you leave because you weren't attracted to him or because he didn't care about you? Let me guess, you don't find him attractive because you believe he doesn't care for you... that's totally logical, definitely not overly emotional at all.

 

I can see why he called you emotional, yet you can't admit that... because it might validate the point I first made, about women being overly emotional. As well as, validate the point I made, about the type of person that you are.

 

You know, I don't need to justify myself to you, but here goes:

 

We tried for years to have children. I did it for him, not for me, but when you love someone, you're willing to "take one for the team." Everytime it failed (the first time, I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to had to have emergency surgery), he couldn't provide even the basics of clean sheets on the bed after the hospital, making me dinner, or even holding my hand when I cried. The last and final straw was when he was going to let me take the bus by myself to the hospital for my D&C. So, yes, it was emotional - it was torture, and you have no right to judge me or anyone else on this board. You are opinionated and ignorant, and that's not a good combination. Stop your self-satisfied, half-baked declarations, and maybe we might be able to understand what you are trying to say.

[Cobra_X30]

I more wonder...is that healthy? Humans can adapt to just about any situation given enough incentive, but should that be applied to romantic relationships? Are we obligated to create some sort of "Stockholm syndrome-esque" mentality to maintain our relationships? At what point does our personal preferences, even our personalities become compromised, and is it worth it (or even fair to ask for it)?

 

Yes, Its completely healthy!

 

I'd say its more unhealthy to be trying to drive your emotional car without a steering wheel! The road will turn... you will crash!

 

Your all older than me... I should not have to explain why you need emotional controls! It's the exact same thing as your anger! If you dont control your anger... you will have a problem!

 

If you want to be happy, you need to discipline yourself, gain some kind of control. It's just like the physical side of my life. I want to be stronger I life weights, I control that! Why are your emotions different?

[Kamille]

I'm suprised no one remarked on the fact that Darkzen's comments in this thread are informed by the emotional baggage he carries since being dumped by his ex. In fact, his comments feel incredibly emotional to me.

 

But what do I know - I am yet another one of those women who has stayed with an ex for three years because I rationnally knew he was good for me - while feeling hardly any attraction to him (and he was goodlooking, my friends loved him, etc etc).

 

 

The reason we broke up is unrelated to this issue (I moved to another city and he couldn't handle the distance).

 

Which brings me to my next point: Darkzen, 3 out of the 5 women who reported having this problem (which you explain as them being overly emotional) are actually invested in making their relationships work in spite of their waning physical attraction. This would mean that their rational side is making them stay and that they are not throwing away a good man for purely superficial-emotional reasons.

 

To all:

I wish there was a way to figure it out. I sometimes wonder if I am capable of sustaining physical attraction to any men for an extended period of time.

 

I remember reading a stat at the time that said something like: for people in relationships men want to have sex twice a week; women twice a month. I remember reading that and feeling relieved. Something like: oh! so I'm normal! I mean, I was physically attracted to him about twice a month. I showed this to my ex and he freaked out. He felt sexually attracted to me all the time and thought that that therefore should be the norm for both partners of the couple.

[Mustang Sally]

Yes, Its completely healthy!

 

I'd say its more unhealthy to be trying to drive your emotional car without a steering wheel! The road will turn... you will crash!

 

Your all older than me... I should not have to explain why you need emotional controls! It's the exact same thing as your anger! If you dont control your anger... you will have a problem!

 

If you want to be happy, you need to discipline yourself, gain some kind of control. It's just like the physical side of my life. I want to be stronger I life weights, I control that! Why are your emotions different?

Oh...ok.

A little Descartes, anyone?

 

"I think I'm happy and attracted to my H/BF/SO, therefore I am."

 

Again.

I see this being reasonable at times.

But I also think, as I have said before, "sometimes the plant just dies."

 

Do you agree? Or it's soley a matter of (and should be) willpower?

[Mustang Sally]

What do you mean, he "won't let you go?" I think this is getting very much to the heart of the problem - you have continually told him what you need, and he has refused to accomodate you. You have every right to go, and quite frankly, he has NO WAY of stopping you. Maybe it's time for you to put your foot down?

Ok, I guess I stated that poorly.

 

I like to take my (1 to 3 per year) business trips alone. For me, it's like going to a spa, sort of. Nice hotel, no kids, good food, occasionally a pretty beach to walk, etc...

 

Since I asked for the separation (which he did not agree to), H is convinced that our spending so much time apart is a major contributor to our issues. He could be right on that...all I know is, I really wanted him out of my face at the time (and sometimes still do). But, on the chance that he is right about that, I have not protested too loudly. And we have done more things together.

 

Now, I am enjoying the time we spend together much more recently - we are becoming friends again. But it has not helped my lack of attraction (physically, sexually) to him one iota yet. So I don't know if it's dead in the water, or I just need to get more emotionally connected (what sappy sh*t that sounds like! ) to him....

 

Thus, I have not protested too loudly. I don't know who's right anymore, but I'm willing to try just about anything. If I put my foot down, he'd not go. It would piss him off (and hurt his feelings), but he'd not go.

[Darkzen]

You know, I don't need to justify myself to you, but here goes:

 

We tried for years to have children. I did it for him, not for me, but when you love someone, you're willing to "take one for the team." Everytime it failed (the first time, I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to had to have emergency surgery), he couldn't provide even the basics of clean sheets on the bed after the hospital, making me dinner, or even holding my hand when I cried. The last and final straw was when he was going to let me take the bus by myself to the hospital for my D&C. So, yes, it was emotional - it was torture, and you have no right to judge me or anyone else on this board. You are opinionated and ignorant, and that's not a good combination. Stop your self-satisfied, half-baked declarations, and maybe we might be able to understand what you are trying to say.

 

I'm not judging you, that's what you don't seem to understand... I'm asking questions to so that you may see things from a perspective other than your own.

 

I'm opinionated, so what most people are. As for ignorant, that's your opinion... but what am I ignoring? You know exactly what I'm trying to say. My point is to try and help you see things objectively. The problem is, that it appears you don't want to. I'm curious though, did you try talking to him (you know so he could understand where you're coming from) or did you just internalize all these emotions (then come out of left field at him)? I wasn't aware men are supposed to read minds.

 

Kamille: What's your point? I said that I feel emotions, I also said that I do not react solely on emotions... I give an opportunity for my logic to weigh in on the topic. My comments possess conviction, there's a difference. I feel that I'm right and show passion toward what I believe... it's a balancing act between emotion and logic... we need both to survive.

 

No. You're twisting your logic to suit your perspective. The logical/rational thing to do would be to figure out why you have this problem and attempt to fix it... not stay in a relationship that will fail eventually, because the problem was never addressed. I have no problem dumping someone if the problem cannot be fixed or the person doesn't put out the effort.

 

Lastly, you have to look deep and past all the twisted logic to see what your problem is. Losing physical attraction to someone (barring major changes to them physically) isn't normal, logical or rational. I could bust out the psych 101 bullsh*t and try to break things down... such as you can't open yourself to someone completely due to a defense mechanism you created from an emotionally scarring situation in your past, allowing you a way to break out of any relationship with minimal emotional strain... but the truth of the matter is that you need to figure it out. You're not hurting me with your problems, only yourself.

[Kamille]

Darkzen, you and I and everyone here can be accused of twisting the arguments to suite our logic. That point is boink. (which is proof that it's what we all do).

 

I have thought about this a lot and maybe there is something to the psychobabble.

 

At the same time, I felt then and still feel now some resentment when people make me out to be somehow deficient because I couldn't sustain physical attraction to someone for an extended period of time. I wonder, and this from speaking about similar issues, if a good half of women are just not built that way. The men here have testified not only that they are capable of maintaining physical attraction to their partner, they are also capable of being attracted to many different females.

 

I was never like that. It takes me awhile to find someone attractive and then when I do, it comes and goes in phases. I guess what I am suggesting, if I have anything to suggest, is that there is nothing wrong with the OP.

 

A good proportion of women do not have a sustained physical attraction to their partner. They are not always turned on by them. No need for psychobabble, it could be purely physiological.

 

I know it really became a problem with my boyfriend once he started to resent it and question my feelings for him because I wasn't constantly physically attracted to him. Until then, I had never thoughy of it as a problem. Just a 'sometimes I feel like it sometimes I don't'. After that, I felt deficient, scared, I worried about my attraction levels all the time and it only contributed to worsen the problem.

[Darkzen]

Ok, I guess I stated that poorly.

 

I like to take my (1 to 3 per year) business trips alone. For me, it's like going to a spa, sort of. Nice hotel, no kids, good food, occasionally a pretty beach to walk, etc...

 

Since I asked for the separation (which he did not agree to), H is convinced that our spending so much time apart is a major contributor to our issues. He could be right on that...all I know is, I really wanted him out of my face at the time (and sometimes still do). But, on the chance that he is right about that, I have not protested too loudly. And we have done more things together.

 

Now, I am enjoying the time we spend together much more recently - we are becoming friends again. But it has not helped my lack of attraction (physically, sexually) to him one iota yet. So I don't know if it's dead in the water, or I just need to get more emotionally connected (what sappy sh*t that sounds like! ) to him....

 

Thus, I have not protested too loudly. I don't know who's right anymore, but I'm willing to try just about anything. If I put my foot down, he'd not go. It would piss him off (and hurt his feelings), but he'd not go.

 

Pick up a fantasy novel "the knight of the black rose", not sure if you're into fantasy novels or such, but it has a very interesting message. The main character did some terrible things and was cursed to a tortured existence because of it. Eventually he has an opportunity to make amends/redeem himself... he chose not. I took the meaning to be that if he redeemed himself, his entire life/beliefs/ideals would have been nothing more than a lie. Everyone has to find themselves. The question is whether you're content with what you find or not.

 

Basically, if you're happy with your decisions... you don't have to justify it to anyone but yourself. The trick is being honest with yourself. I know that I'm a d*ck, I've come to terms with that... I don't have to justify it to anyone. People seek justification from others when they're unhappy with what they see. If that's the case, you need to honest and do something to change it (if it makes you unhappy). Either way it's all about taking responsibility. I act like a d*ck, I take accountability for how it makes other people react. It'd be a problem if I acted like a d*ck and tried to justify why I did to everyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is... look deep and you'll see what the problem is, you may not like what you see, but that's life...

[Cobra_X30]

Oh...ok.

A little Descartes, anyone?

 

"I think I'm happy and attracted to my H/BF/SO, therefore I am."

 

Again.

I see this being reasonable at times.

But I also think, as I have said before, "sometimes the plant just dies."

 

Do you agree? Or it's soley a matter of (and should be) willpower?

 

Isnt happiness a state of mind? Therefore is it not controlled directly by thought?

 

Are you trying to say that you want to be an emotional Eeyore? Is it always overcast and rainy in your mind?

 

Listen, the difference between you and Mary is time.

 

Your attraction to your husband is based on your emotions. But you have rebuilt the berlin wall in your heart! He cant tear that down, and he cant climb it. You take it down... and yeah he may hurt you, he may not live up to your expectations of him, but isnt it worth that risk?

 

If Mary continues, she will develop the same wall.

 

You can control this! The plant dies when you dont give it sun! Its your plant. Let your husband water it, but you need to break through the clouds!!!

 

I'm not stupid, I know how this works. You can listen to me, or not, but make no mistake... in the end you own the consequences!

 

(Imagine how bad it would be to be married to me! )

[Darkzen]

Darkzen, you and I and everyone here can be accused of twisting the arguments to suite our logic. That point is boink. (which is proof that it's what we all do).

 

I have thought about this a lot and maybe there is something to the psychobabble.

 

At the same time, I felt then and still feel now some resentment when people make me out to be somehow deficient because I couldn't sustain physical attraction to someone for an extended period of time. I wonder, and this from speaking about similar issues, if a good half of women are just not built that way. The men here have testified not only that they are capable of maintaining physical attraction to their partner, they are also capable of being attracted to many different females.

 

I was never like that. It takes me awhile to find someone attractive and then when I do, it comes and goes in phases. I guess what I am suggesting, if I have anything to suggest, is that there is nothing wrong with the OP.

 

A good proportion of women do not have a sustained physical attraction to their partner. They are not always turned on by them. No need for psychobabble, it could be purely physiological.

 

I know it really became a problem with my boyfriend once he started to resent it and question my feelings for him because I wasn't constantly physically attracted to him. Until then, I had never thoughy of it as a problem. Just a 'sometimes I feel like it sometimes I don't'. After that, I felt deficient, scared, I worried about my attraction levels all the time and it only contributed to worsen the problem.

 

Yes we all twist logic, but I try to be different. If you corner me in a discussion, I would hope that I admit it rather than twist the logic, to the point of it becoming illogical.

 

Women are built that way... but we must strive to be better than what we are on a most basic level. I could use the same argument for men, we're built to take what we want. We overcome these urges/instincts/intuitions. Why don't women have to overcome their emotions? Why cop out, rather than learning to deal with the issue? That's what I see you doing, by saying that it might be physiological... men can say the same thing. I've met women that aren't overly-emotional, so I know it's possible. Until all the excuses are gone, you'll never have to face the problem... that's why I keep saying to be honest with yourself. I could just as easily make up excuses by twisting my logic, to act like a jack-ass and feel totally justified... that still doesn't make it right.

[Darkzen]

Isnt happiness a state of mind? Therefore is it not controlled directly by thought?

 

Are you trying to say that you want to be an emotional Eeyore? Is it always overcast and rainy in your mind?

 

Listen, the difference between you and Mary is time.

 

Your attraction to your husband is based on your emotions. But you have rebuilt the berlin wall in your heart! He cant tear that down, and he cant climb it. You take it down... and yeah he may hurt you, he may not live up to your expectations of him, but isnt it worth that risk?

 

If Mary continues, she will develop the same wall.

 

You can control this! The plant dies when you dont give it sun! Its your plant. Let your husband water it, but you need to break through the clouds!!!

 

I'm not stupid, I know how this works. You can listen to me, or not, but make no mistake... in the end you own the consequences!

 

(Imagine how bad it would be to be married to me! )

 

Holy Jesus... that is basically the same thing that I would tell my ex on many occasions lol. I wish I could put my thoughts, into words like you can...

[Cobra_X30]

I was never like that. It takes me awhile to find someone attractive and then when I do, it comes and goes in phases. I guess what I am suggesting, if I have anything to suggest, is that there is nothing wrong with the OP.

 

A good proportion of women do not have a sustained physical attraction to their partner. They are not always turned on by them. No need for psychobabble, it could be purely physiological.

 

So my question is this. When you are not attracted to your signifigant other... are you then still attracted to other men?

[Kamille]

Yes we all twist logic, but I try to be different. If you corner me in a discussion, I would hope that I admit it rather than twist the logic, to the point of it becoming illogical.

 

Women are built that way... but we must strive to be better than what we are on a most basic level. I could use the same argument for men, we're built to take what we want. We overcome these urges/instincts/intuitions. Why don't women have to overcome their emotions? Why cop out, rather than learning to deal with the issue? That's what I see you doing, by saying that it might be physiological... men can say the same thing. I've met women that aren't overly-emotional, so I know it's possible. Until all the excuses are gone, you'll never have to face the problem... that's why I keep saying to be honest with yourself. I could just as easily make up excuses by twisting my logic, to act like a jack-ass and feel totally justified... that still doesn't make it right.

 

I think I am as honest with myself as the next guy or girl.

 

And in all honesty, there are a few things I don't understand about the 'you are letting emotions run your life' argument.

 

I don't understand how me not feeling attracted to my partner all the time allows anyone to make me out to be over-run by emotions. What's the link you make between 1)letting emotions rule 2)lack of attractions?

 

I for one never even thought of it as a problem until my ex decided it was one.

 

One could say that he was therefore the one being emotional.

 

Are you saying that I am somehow the one to be deficient because I am not always attracted to my partner? Shouldn't the solution be to find a happy medium - instead of letting society's or my partner's expectations of what my attraction levels should be dictate how I should feel about myself?

[Cobra_X30]

Holy Jesus... that is basically the same thing that I would tell my ex on many occasions lol. I wish I could put my thoughts, into words like you can...

 

Yeah, I noticed that we are thinking on similar tracts here.

 

I realized early on that if I sat there and piled up resentments, I'd build myself a giant mountain of them to sit on. When that mountain is high... its starts to feel good to look down and see your girlfriend way at the bottom. Its nice to be up high on a mighty mountain of anger and resentment. But it never made me happy! Quite the opposite in fact.

 

Not to say I dont have walls around my heart... I just put them in different places.

[Kamille]

So my question is this. When you are not attracted to your signifigant other... are you then still attracted to other men?

 

In my case no. I loved him, respected him but just could not match his level of attraction to me - or his libido.

 

On the rare occasions that I was attracted to other men, I still found my ex to be more attractive. Which is why I think a part of this might be physiological.

[Mustang Sally]

Isnt happiness a state of mind? Therefore is it not controlled directly by thought?

 

Are you trying to say that you want to be an emotional Eeyore? Is it always overcast and rainy in your mind?

 

Listen, the difference between you and Mary is time.

 

Your attraction to your husband is based on your emotions. But you have rebuilt the berlin wall in your heart! He cant tear that down, and he cant climb it. You take it down... and yeah he may hurt you, he may not live up to your expectations of him, but isnt it worth that risk?

 

If Mary continues, she will develop the same wall.

 

You can control this! The plant dies when you dont give it sun! Its your plant. Let your husband water it, but you need to break through the clouds!!!

 

I'm not stupid, I know how this works. You can listen to me, or not, but make no mistake... in the end you own the consequences!

 

(Imagine how bad it would be to be married to me! )

Dude.

I've been trying to will it back for years. Somewhere between 5 and 7 years, actually.

 

And I'm getting discouraged.

I've built the Berlin wall? Maybe so. But I didn't do it without good reason. Why would I? I did not enter into this M wanting it to fail...I can't imagine anyone does.

 

And I do realize I own the consequences.

And I realize this is probably 90% my fault (at least to some).

 

I think it's time for me to exit this conversation....

<back to lurkdom>

[Darkzen]

I think I am as honest with myself as the next guy or girl.

 

And in all honesty, there are a few things I don't understand about the 'you are letting emotions run your life' argument.

 

I don't understand how me not feeling attracted to my partner all the time allows anyone to make me out to be over-run by emotions. What's the link you make between 1)letting emotions rule 2)lack of attractions?

 

I for one never even thought of it as a problem until my ex decided it was one.

 

One could say that he was therefore the one being emotional.

 

Are you saying that I am somehow the one to be deficient because I am not always attracted to my partner? Shouldn't the solution be to find a happy medium - instead of letting society's or my partner's expectations of what my attraction levels should be dictate how I should feel about myself?

 

Are we talking about attraction or libido? There's quite a big difference. TBH, once I get to know someone, I rarely consider them anything but the person (not the appearance). Sure there's times when we're not in the mood or you notice imperfections in your partner... that's normal. Letting them affect you to such a massive degree isn't normal though.

 

I think you're talking about how often you want to have sex and not whether you find your partner attractive. Yes, there should be a happy medium if that's the case. Not finding your partner attractive is a major problem... you say that he was good looking, that tells me it's an emotional issue.

 

As for his response, not exactly sure what he was responding to... that you didn't often want to have sex with him or that you didn't find him attractive, maybe a bit of both. Nobody deals with rejection well, it can actually fry the wiring of the brain on some people... turning them into sociopaths. It's hard to control very powerful/intense emotions. Sometimes they slip through regardless of who you are.

 

So overall, yes it can be a deficiency (especially with your ex). Nothing is a deficiency, if your lifestyle suits it.

[Cobra_X30]

Dude.

I've been trying to will it back for years. Somewhere between 5 and 7 years, actually.

 

And I'm getting discouraged.

I've built the Berlin wall? Maybe so. But I didn't do it without good reason. Why would I? I did not enter into this M wanting it to fail...I can't imagine anyone does.

 

And I do realize I own the consequences.

And I realize this is probably 90% my fault (at least to some).

 

I think it's time for me to exit this conversation....

<back to lurkdom>

 

I understand that! More than you can imagine.

 

Yes, he gave you all the brick and mortor you needed to build that wall, and he has to be there to help take it down!

 

But your never going to get that far if you continue to shoot at him when he comes close. Life sometimes demands risk.

 

I really wish I could get in your husbands ear! I guarantee you'd hear a little more harshness in my tone.

 

Anyway... focus positive! Never forget the happy times.

[Darkzen]

Yeah, I noticed that we are thinking on similar tracts here.

 

I realized early on that if I sat there and piled up resentments, I'd build myself a giant mountain of them to sit on. When that mountain is high... its starts to feel good to look down and see your girlfriend way at the bottom. Its nice to be up high on a mighty mountain of anger and resentment. But it never made me happy! Quite the opposite in fact.

 

Not to say I dont have walls around my heart... I just put them in different places.

 

Same here... I wanted her to get better, to open up to me... it never happened. It's a bittersweet feeling looking down from on high, if the goal is to help the person get to where you're standing and there's really nothing you can do to help. I think that she kept pulling me down to her and eventually I past where she was standing and that's when she decided to head for greener pastures. Which was consequently the first time I ever asked her for emotional support, funny how that works.

 

I'm glad though, I haven't felt this good about myself since before I was in that doomed relationship. She really brought me down over the years. Slowly and surely. It's really amazing at how fast you can turn things around, once the oppressive force isn't around any longer.

[Ocean-Blue]

In my case no. I loved him, respected him but just could not match his level of attraction to me - or his libido.

 

On the rare occasions that I was attracted to other men, I still found my ex to be more attractive. Which is why I think a part of this might be physiological.

 

 

Kamille, much of what you've written in this thread..WOW! Feels like the pages out of my diary.

 

I have no idea why certain people find it difficult to establish/sustain attraction. It comes so easily for some...and for others...well...

 

I thought I was the only one. Until my current relationship, I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. I would go through my childhood, my past experiences, my interpersonal relationships, etc...whatever I could to try to figure out why it was so hard for me. It is so alienating...that feeling. Kind of like watching things pass you by...not being able to touch it.

 

I mean, what is chemistry really? I still don't know. Can't explain it. It either is or isn't.

[jcster]

Your all older than me... I should not have to explain why you need emotional controls! It's the exact same thing as your anger! If you dont control your anger... you will have a problem!

 

There's a difference between controlling your emotions and turning them off. What you described was in essence ignoring one's own feelings. What would be the point? What does it serve? Is happiness not the point of marriage? What other possible motivation might there be? And, if one isn't happy, why should one feel obligated to perform elaborate mental gymnastics to maintain it? I think we look at life very differently.

[jcster]

My point is to try and help you see things objectively. The problem is, that it appears you don't want to.

 

I never asked for your "help," nor do I need it. I'm not unhappy in the least and I don't find you very credible at this point, anyway...sorry.