Can I regain physical attraction for my b/f once it is lost?

[Woggle]

I am not going to type long paragraphs but simply put most women are unpleasable. They set up this fantasy in their head that no man can possibly live up to and when the man shows some signs of being a human being they start feeling resentment and anger towards him because he is not what they created in their head. Men deal with relationships with a much more reality based approach.

[Pyro]

I am not going to type long paragraphs but simply put most women are unpleasable. They set up this fantasy in their head that no man can possibly live up to and when the man shows some signs of being a human being they start feeling resentment and anger towards him because he is not what they created in their head. Men deal with relationships with a much more reality based approach.

 

I am just curious how you meet so many women who fit this description. I have met and dated plenty myself and only a handful of them fit this description. You must attract the wrong type of women in someway, with exception to the W of course.

[Woggle]

I am just curious how you meet so many women who fit this description. I have met and dated plenty myself and only a handful of them fit this description. You must attract the wrong type of women in someway, with exception to the W of course.

 

Why are you always in every thread defending women no matter what? You are like that masculine feminist character from Married with Children. I see the women on this board and I see the men who deal with such women as well. I also see what goes on in and the marriages and relationships around me and the men genuinely want to make their wives happy. They would chew off their arm to make them happy yet nothing seems to work and these guys are at a loss as to how they can have a happy marriage. I am sick of seeing men breaking their necks trying to do the impossible which is making the average woman happy.

[Pyro]

Why are you always in every thread defending women no matter what? You are like that masculine feminist character from Married with Children. I see the women on this board and I see the men who deal with such women as well. I also see what goes on in and the marriages and relationships around me and the men genuinely want to make their wives happy. They would chew off their arm to make them happy yet nothing seems to work and these guys are at a loss as to how they can have a happy marriage. I am sick of seeing men breaking their necks trying to do the impossible which is making the average woman happy.

 

Easy there killer. I was just asking you a simple question. BTW, I don't recall any threads where you defend women. No matter what the situation is, you make it out to be the womans fault. To you, men can do no wrong.

 

I just think that these generalizations that you have are ridiculous and I don't want anyone to have the same feelings as you about women. I do wish that your therapy cures you, but no need to bring anyone down with you.

[Not_Kosher]

Easy there killer. I was just asking you a simple question. BTW, I don't recall any threads where you defend women. No matter what the situation is, you make it out to be the womans fault. To you, men can do no wrong.

 

I just think that these generalizations that you have are ridiculous and I don't want anyone to have the same feelings as you about women. I do wish that your therapy cures you, but no need to bring anyone down with you.

Nah, I don't see him faulting women or absolving men, I see him giving examples of very valid frustrations from men that some if not most of us women can and do bring about.

[Woggle]

Nah, I don't see him faulting women or absolving men, I see him giving examples of very valid frustrations from men that some if not most of us women can and do bring about.

 

Thank you. You will never see me defending genuinely wrong men but I call it like I see it.

[Mustang Sally]

Mustang Sally: I'm not slapping my beliefs on anyone. I'm blunt and honest, it's my personality. I cannot force anyone to believe something if they choose not to. Maybe the fact that my words struck a cord in you, might be something to ponder.

 

Nor am I attempting to be inflammatory, just being blunt and speaking my mind. The simple truth is that if my comments had no merit, it shouldn't have bothered you TBPH. You're reacting based on emotions, had you taken a minute to think it over (once the emotions pass), you would see that. If what you say is the truth.

 

I don't know everything and never claimed to. I have had a very interesting life to say the least, I'm a watcher and thinker, that contemplates all types of things. I've had the opportunity to interact with many types of people. From gang-bangers to drug dealers to soldiers to intellectuals... I can honestly put myself somewhat in their perspectives and understand why they do what they do. I don't agree with everything, but at least I can see where they're coming from.

 

Age doesn't mean jack either, I've met some extremely dumb people much older than myself. Nor does marriage really mean anything either tbh. It's a formality at best. So you signed a piece of paper and wore a ring, does that really change the commitment of a relationship? It's such a fallacy, I had a friend that cheated all the time and he said that he'd stop once he got married... I looked at him and said WTF is the difference? You're in a committed relationship, what really changes with marriage, the paperwork? Guess what, after marriage, he still cheated lol. Maybe some people put too much importance on marriage and not enough on relationships.

Ok, hon.

You got me and all of these situations apprised correctly.

You're right.

Carry on.

[MaryMary]

"Life isn't fair, women do not understand this. They like to use the saying though, when it suits them. So the guy isn't perfect, no guy is, stop being idiots. The grass only looks greener. Life is all about compromise, the problem here is that the OP wants her cake and to eat it to... sorry to be the buzz-kill, but that's not reality for the majority of people. Nor will she realize this until she's 40+. Making up **** in your head isn't healthy, it's what we call being a brat. Obviously, she found him attractive at one point... I'm willing to bet money that this change of heart happened after her friends started making comments about how unattractive her partner is. Pony up and stop worrying about what other people think."

 

Darkzen: it might be useful to you to actually read my original post before you are quick to judge me. I specifically said I entered into the relationship despite knowing what people thought....because I don't care what others think. If I am happy with who I am with, that is all that matters to me.

 

Things were better over this last weekend, we were getting along more and I really think now that it is our emotional differences that have been contributing to how I feel about him physically. The more we have been connected on an emotional level the less I have been critiquing his flaws.

 

As well I would like to say I do not appreciate those that are attacking the women who have chosen to leave their relationships. Break-ups are horrible experiences and I am pretty sure if they knew the issue could be resolved they would have tried their hardest to stay together. Some people just aren't meant to be....forcing the issue makes it worse for both parties. When the love is gone, sometimes it is gone for good and I congratulate those women for getting out....it has made them happier and shown respect for their partners, now they can go on and meet someone more ideal for them.

 

For right now I feel my rel'p is workable and that is why I am trying....but if I feel the love is lost, I will leave.

 

My question: what is wrong with having your cake and eating it too??? Shouldn't we be with a partner that we not only share an emotional bond but a physical one as well? I don't think anyone should have to settle.

[Cobra_X30]

For right now I feel my rel'p is workable and that is why I am trying....but if I feel the love is lost, I will leave.

 

My question: what is wrong with having your cake and eating it too??? Shouldn't we be with a partner that we not only share an emotional bond but a physical one as well? I don't think anyone should have to settle.

 

Sorry to jump back in late.

 

But I had a quick question for you, Mustang, and Story.

 

How much control do you feel that you have over what you do and dont find attractive.

 

I've noticed over the years that when I date a girl with a big butt, big butts start to look good to me! If she has a small nose... I'm more attracted so small noses... ect. I've realized that I have a lot of control over the physical features I find attractive in a mate.

 

I dont think that humans are designed to live in large scale societies like we currently do. I think we are programmed to live in small tribes, where there may not be another guy right around the corner. Thus we must have some kind of control mechanism for this type of thing.

[Ocean-Blue]

To the ladies who find their attraction to their SOs waning...

 

Is it possible that something emotional is going on? That what you find emotionally/mentally "off" in your relationship is manifesting itself physically.

 

Let's say for example that your man has suddenly become a bit of a recluse...doesn't like going out or talking much (for whatever reason). You try to bring him out of it to no avail. Eventually, you begin to become less attracted to him. You start to notice his love handles...his gut...his thinning hair. Then suddenly you realize, "ugh...I am soo not attracted to you!"

 

Is this possible? Just something that popped into my head.

[jcster]

Is it possible that something emotional is going on? That what you find emotionally/mentally "off" in your relationship is manifesting itself physically.

 

I was thinking that as well. I've never been unattracted to any guy I've been in a relationship with when the emotional aspects of the relationship have been going well.

[Mustang Sally]

Cobra and OB -

Here's my try at explaining what I think is going on in my M. I may not be correct, but I certainly have given it much, much thought, and even much discussion (with H and others who have provided me with objective input.)

 

Of course there is something emotional going on in my R. See any of my past threads about my M and you find that to be the case. Does this make me an over-emotional wreck of a woman that can't appreciate sex just for the sake of sex? No, I don't think so. Anyone who really knows me, I believe, would agree that I am not that sort of individual, ever. But there is certainly damage done to the M in an emotional context.

 

My H is no major hottie (nor am I, I might add. We are equivalent on the "scale," I suppose you could say). He's an average, respectable looking guy. He is not and never has been what I classify as "hot" to me. When we were dating, and early in our M, we had so much of a connection in other ways, that the fact that he is not what I would usually be attracted to (in terms of superficial physical attraction) didn't matter very much, if at all. I was attracted mostly to him as a person/friend/etc. and that was enough at that point.

 

Now, years (and baggage) later, there has been emotional strain, and the mundane things of life set in....it takes more for me to get worked up about him. In fact, sometimes, it just ain't even possible. We have tried (and continue to try, to varing degrees) to work on the non-physical aspects of the relationship...but I think it would be a lot easier for me to be "turned on" by him now, if there was some capacity for plain old raw physical desire for the guy, on my part. I am struggling to muster it up.

 

I realize it's my fault, and am trying to overlook/fix/ignore/compensate for it.

 

Any more questions (or flames, as the case may be)?

 

And sorry to MaryMary, for the hijack.

[Cobra_X30]

My H is no major hottie (nor am I, I might add. We are equivalent on the "scale," I suppose you could say). He's an average, respectable looking guy. He is not and never has been what I classify as "hot" to me. When we were dating, and early in our M, we had so much of a connection in other ways, that the fact that he is not what I would usually be attracted to (in terms of superficial physical attraction) didn't matter very much, if at all. I was attracted mostly to him as a person/friend/etc. and that was enough at that point.

 

Any more questions (or flames, as the case may be)?

 

And sorry to MaryMary, for the hijack.

 

Hmmm.... what happened to pheromones? Maybe the receptors burn out over time?

 

I can tell you one thing that is glaringly obvious from my standpoint. We are only programmed to be attracted to others in a very loose way. Much of what we view as attractive is provided by external factors. Unless your husband is a hunchback or something, you should over time become more attracted to his physical type. You control that progression. I can do that switch in 2 weeks! I'm not sitting around waiting for Natalie Portman to fall in my lap.

 

The emotional component is something you need to work together on. And I know you are working on it, but that shouldnt be the only thing. You should already have a good baseline attraction going. I dont see how things will ever work without that!

[Cobra_X30]

MaryMary,

 

This same applies to you! You have full control over who and what you are attracted to. Please dont feel like its some happenstance of fate! If you truely search within yourself you will find the mechanism of control for this!

 

In fact this is especially pertinent for you, because it seems to be a continual issue!

[MaryMary]

MaryMary,

 

This same applies to you! You have full control over who and what you are attracted to. Please dont feel like its some happenstance of fate! If you truely search within yourself you will find the mechanism of control for this!

 

In fact this is especially pertinent for you, because it seems to be a continual issue!

 

There is a lot of truth in that. I tend to sit on the fence....on the one side I am thinking, "Is it just me and I have to focus more on personality, etc" and then I look on the other side and say "Maybe I haven't found the right guy who matches me emotionally and that is why I keep losing physical interest." I really battle with trying to make sense of it. I am mostly scared of marrying someone and making the wrong choice. How did you discover control over this??

[jcster]

We are only programmed to be attracted to others in a very loose way. Much of what we view as attractive is provided by external factors.

 

I think in a lot of ways this is true. There is a certain baseline attractiveness (call it "type") that will always catch my eye, but that can be greatly modified by other factors (emotional connection, shared experience, etc.). In a long term relationship, however, I've found that attraction ebbs and flows. that's why friendship is so vitally important. There were times when my husband and I were merely roommates - but then we would reconnnect and become a husband and wife again.

 

So why doesn't this continue forever? Sometimes it does, but it can take a LOT of energy to maintain. Illness, betrayal, anger, resentment, all the thousand hurts that you can accumulate over decades of close association nibble away at attraction. Eventually, either these issues can be resolved, or they create a situation in which the energy required to maintain the relationship is far greater than the pain of ending it.

 

The more points in which you connect with your mate at the beginning of the relationship (common goals, ethics, dreams, mutual physical attraction) the more stress the relationship can take. In my case, there weren't enough from the start and we couldn't keep it going past the 10 year mark.

[Mustang Sally]

The more points in which you connect with your mate at the beginning of the relationship (common goals, ethics, dreams, mutual physical attraction) the more stress the relationship can take.

Thank you, jc.

That is a point that I have been trying to make, and not stating it very well at all.

 

I think that is why I wish I had more of the "raw" physical attraction to hang on to, right now. It would be another "plus" to tip (or merely even out) the scales in this time of stress. That is really all I've been trying to say.

 

MaryMary - I'm glad to hear that you've been able to reconnect with your SO and improve your "attraction." I hope it just gets better and better for you. Certainly, I recognize that it waxes and wanes.

[Darkzen]

"Life isn't fair, women do not understand this. They like to use the saying though, when it suits them. So the guy isn't perfect, no guy is, stop being idiots. The grass only looks greener. Life is all about compromise, the problem here is that the OP wants her cake and to eat it to... sorry to be the buzz-kill, but that's not reality for the majority of people. Nor will she realize this until she's 40+. Making up **** in your head isn't healthy, it's what we call being a brat. Obviously, she found him attractive at one point... I'm willing to bet money that this change of heart happened after her friends started making comments about how unattractive her partner is. Pony up and stop worrying about what other people think."

 

Darkzen: it might be useful to you to actually read my original post before you are quick to judge me. I specifically said I entered into the relationship despite knowing what people thought....because I don't care what others think. If I am happy with who I am with, that is all that matters to me.

 

Things were better over this last weekend, we were getting along more and I really think now that it is our emotional differences that have been contributing to how I feel about him physically. The more we have been connected on an emotional level the less I have been critiquing his flaws.

 

As well I would like to say I do not appreciate those that are attacking the women who have chosen to leave their relationships. Break-ups are horrible experiences and I am pretty sure if they knew the issue could be resolved they would have tried their hardest to stay together. Some people just aren't meant to be....forcing the issue makes it worse for both parties. When the love is gone, sometimes it is gone for good and I congratulate those women for getting out....it has made them happier and shown respect for their partners, now they can go on and meet someone more ideal for them.

 

For right now I feel my rel'p is workable and that is why I am trying....but if I feel the love is lost, I will leave.

 

My question: what is wrong with having your cake and eating it too??? Shouldn't we be with a partner that we not only share an emotional bond but a physical one as well? I don't think anyone should have to settle.

 

Yes, there is a problem with wanting your cake and to eat it to. Want perfection? Then don't settle for anything less... it's unfair to any guy you enter into a relationship with. Otherwise, man-up (forgive the pun) and learn to take responsibility for the situations you put yourself into.

 

It's very rare for love to fade... It's very common for "in love" to fade though. Being "in love" is infatuation, it's the new and exciting feeling that we all get when we meet that special someone. It fades over time, once you learn more about your partner (unless they can keep surprising you or there's something screwy in your wiring). Love only fades if the person you love, does something unforgivable to you.

 

A conversation is comprised of three elements... statement, interpretation and clarification. You made a statement, I interpreted it and now you're clarifying. As new information is presented, my opinion will change obviously.

 

So what exactly is an "emotional difference"? The term doesn't make any sense to me. Are you referring to him liking you more than you like him? Men and women are emotional different, that's nothing new. Well men and women show emotions in different ways, we all feel emotions the same way.

 

As for entering the relationship despite what your friends thought... I'm sure constantly hearing about it, adds a strain to things. Maybe if only subconsciously. The seeds of doubt can be a very destructive force.

 

Lastly, it depends on the circumstances in which these women left the relationship. If they left for BS reasons, then I think that they're asses. What's this "some people just aren't meant to be" crap? You leave your love life up to purely fate? A successful relationship takes work by those involved. Maybe if you stepped out of delusion land, you might figure this out. Any relationship can work, at least until one side is no longer willing to try. Sometimes we must compromise (I'd say 99.9% of the time)... that's life. Don't compromise and you'll end up lonely. I'm sure we'd all like our dream mate, but you have a better chance of winning the lottery. This is why living life, being controlled by emotions, is a bad thing. Being ruled by logic is bad also... we must seek a balance (in all aspects of life).

 

To everyone else: Yeah, that's my point exactly. The fact that emotions control women... to the point of changing someone's physical attraction. They cannot be objective due to the emotions. I.E. being over-emotional. Learn to control your emotions, by not letting your emotions control you. I feel emotions, I have learned to control them though. I generally do not react until I've let logic say it's piece. Each side of the brain should have it's day in court, before making decisions.

[jcster]

I think that is why I wish I had more of the "raw" physical attraction to hang on to, right now. It would be another "plus" to tip (or merely even out) the scales in this time of stress. That is really all I've been trying to say.

 

I've been reading some of your other posts, and I've definitely been where you are - although my husband and I didn't have children, which I think changed the stakes quite a bit.

 

To this day, I miss my husband's companionship and humor, but I do not miss having sex with him. I find him as attractive as my brother - it's just GONE. We never even backslid in the early days of our separation - no making out, nothing (he tried). I don't even like to hug him anymore. I hope that you haven't got to this point, because I don't think there is anything that could rekindle it at this point.

 

Have you considered taking a vacation by yourself? Not to play the field, but just to give yourself time to miss him (if you will). It might allow you some perspective on what you want and need.

[Cobra_X30]

There is a lot of truth in that. I tend to sit on the fence....on the one side I am thinking, "Is it just me and I have to focus more on personality, etc" and then I look on the other side and say "Maybe I haven't found the right guy who matches me emotionally and that is why I keep losing physical interest." I really battle with trying to make sense of it. I am mostly scared of marrying someone and making the wrong choice. How did you discover control over this??

 

A few years ago, when I was in college, I would consistently have a strong attraction to a girl, then as she did little things to irritate me It would diminish her attractiveness in my mind.

 

I distinctly remember that at one point I realized that I needed to disconnect my physical attraction to someone from my emotional attraction. I couldnt do it. However, I did find that once I built an internal monolog to combat the emotional issues.

 

After a while... I just seemed to gain control over what looked good. Now, its kinda like food. I hate lobster, but after eating it for a month... not only do I get to not hate it anymore... I actually start to like it.

 

Is that helpful?

[jcster]

After a while... I just seemed to gain control over what looked good. Now, its kinda like food. I hate lobster, but after eating it for a month... not only do I get to not hate it anymore... I actually start to like it.

 

Is that helpful?

 

I more wonder...is that healthy? Humans can adapt to just about any situation given enough incentive, but should that be applied to romantic relationships? Are we obligated to create some sort of "Stockholm syndrome-esque" mentality to maintain our relationships? At what point does our personal preferences, even our personalities become compromised, and is it worth it (or even fair to ask for it)?

[Mustang Sally]

but just to give yourself time to miss him (if you will). It might allow you some perspective on what you want and need.

I would love the opportunity to miss him.

 

I believe that is why I asked him for a separation.

 

However, he won't allow it. I am taking a business trip in the spring and I'd love to go alone (I'm one who needs some alone-time every now and again) but he won't let me. He constantly tells me we need more time together... I'm not sure what we need any more.

[Darkzen]

I've been reading some of your other posts, and I've definitely been where you are - although my husband and I didn't have children, which I think changed the stakes quite a bit.

 

To this day, I miss my husband's companionship and humor, but I do not miss having sex with him. I find him as attractive as my brother - it's just GONE. We never even backslid in the early days of our separation - no making out, nothing (he tried). I don't even like to hug him anymore. I hope that you haven't got to this point, because I don't think there is anything that could rekindle it at this point.

 

Have you considered taking a vacation by yourself? Not to play the field, but just to give yourself time to miss him (if you will). It might allow you some perspective on what you want and need.

 

So did you leave because you weren't attracted to him or because he didn't care about you? Let me guess, you don't find him attractive because you believe he doesn't care for you... that's totally logical, definitely not overly emotional at all.

 

I can see why he called you emotional, yet you can't admit that... because it might validate the point I first made, about women being overly emotional. As well as, validate the point I made, about the type of person that you are.

 

It's all good though, you're not going to reply to me. Ignorance is bliss, right? Feel free to twist your logic to suit your emotions, just don't expect me not to call you on it.

[Mustang Sally]

 

After a while... I just seemed to gain control over what looked good. Now, its kinda like food. I hate lobster, but after eating it for a month... not only do I get to not hate it anymore... I actually start to like it.

 

Is that helpful?

I think there may be times when this approach is appropriate - a "dry spell" in a marriage, for example.

 

But I'm not sure this should be widely applied to dating relationships.

 

After all, isn't exploration what dating is all about?

[Mustang Sally]

It's all good though, you're not going to reply to me. Ignorance is bliss, right? Feel free to twist your logic to suit your emotions, just don't expect me not to call you on it.

Why does it always end up a fight, when you are involved, dear???

(Just something I've noticed in threads you post in....)

 

I think, maybe we are all saying the same things? You, me, jc, others.

 

Just that some folks seem to have a "nicer" way of stating it...

 

Peace.