Can I regain physical attraction for my b/f once it is lost?

[MaryMary]

[COLOR=black][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Thank you guys, I am really appreciative for such intelligent, helpful responses. You have definitely given me something to think about.[/FONT][/sIZE][/COLOR]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT][/COLOR]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]Nicki – appreciate the post, will take your advice and wait this one out to see if this is just an initial reaction to being knocked off of cloud nine. We had a huge fight that definitely for me resulted in the end of the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship and maybe like Ocean Blue said it could definitely be an emotional reason that I do not find him as physically appealing anymore.

 

I just find it confusing when the happily married couples out there say that “when you know you know” and most women I have spoken to have said they knew within the first few dates that this was the “one.” What has been your experiences with that?

 

As for you, Collector, I know you would like me to say you’re right so you could gain some sad validation about your negative feelings toward women, but unfortunately that is not the case. My b/f is not “wussy” and as a matter of fact the only reason it bothers me that he says those things to me is because I feel guilt that I cannot reciprocate those feelings with all of my heart. I would love nothing better than to feel the exact same way towards him. Because I have doubts, when he says I am the only one for him, I wonder if it is unnatural for me not to feel the same way and it makes me feel pressured to figure stuff out before I hurt him even more. Trust me when I say I do not enjoy mind games at all. So, I am stepping off of the soap box now...LOL However, I did enjoy your post, if for nothing more than you seem to provide entertainment value to the board. But you could use a good woman in your life….then maybe you wouldn’t be so angry??? [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

[MaryMary]

P.S - sorry for the weird "FONT" and "COLOUR" messages.....lol next time I won't cut and paste my message

[Ocean-Blue]

Yes you did. And then you started flaming me.

 

Example of sh*t-test - woman demands apology for something minor or imagined to see if you are easily manipulated.

 

Wow, you really have us all figured out.

[Storyrider]

Mary, if you can solve this problem you may win the next Nobel Prize, ha ha.

 

I have this issue with my husband. You can read all about it. I vacillate on whether I am just psycho or if it is something about our relationship. We have had this problem since six weeks into the relationship and we married anyway. It is a difficult situation.

 

I was chatting with someone last night who asked, "Do you find him sexy?" I thought that cut to the heart of things. I think when the rush of admiration for all his wonderful "on paper" qualities wears off and and all the gooey feelings level out, there has to be a baseline animal attraction/chemistry to carry the relationship forward. If it was weak or never there, the sex tends to crash and without the sex, the romantic feelings can't be sustained, IMO. Then whatever hairline cracks already existed tend to spread and slowly erode the integrity of the relationship.

 

Today I had the realization that the romance/sexual feelings may never be there again for me. It is a good possibility anyway. I am faced with the brutal question of whether I can live without that feeling, perhaps for the rest of my life. Are the other aspects of the relationship worth that? Sure, I could improve things, but I can't bet on that. For thirteen years our sex life has wavered between so-so and terrible.

 

I suppose if your sex drive is low enough, it makes it easier. You can just ignore the sex and focus on the companionship. That was how things were for a long while on my part. And he has always wanted more. Again, it is very difficult.

[The Collector]

As for you, Collector, I know you would like me to say you’re right so you could gain some sad validation about your negative feelings toward women, but unfortunately that is not the case. My b/f is not “wussy” and as a matter of fact the only reason it bothers me that he says those things to me is because I feel guilt that I cannot reciprocate those feelings with all of my heart. I would love nothing better than to feel the exact same way towards him. Because I have doubts, when he says I am the only one for him, I wonder if it is unnatural for me not to feel the same way and it makes me feel pressured to figure stuff out before I hurt him even more. Trust me when I say I do not enjoy mind games at all. So, I am stepping off of the soap box now...LOL However, I did enjoy your post, if for nothing more than you seem to provide entertainment value to the board. But you could use a good woman in your life….then maybe you wouldn’t be so angry??? [/FONT][/COLOR][/sIZE]

 

Eh, if you say he's not wussy I believe you. The idea that you just don't find him attractive enough seems reasonable - I couldn't build a relationship with someone I didn't want to bang silly every day. But you say you used to find him attractive, so something must have changed, and unless it's his face it's a good bet you found out something about his personality that you found unattractive. Or maybe it turns out you prefer a challenge and got bored when he was in the bag. Or the fact that your friends didn't consider him a catch got to your pride. Or you were kidding yourself that you ever found him attractive because he ticked a bunch of other boxes.

 

Ultimately, for one reason or another, you think you can do better or fancy a bit of a gamble. Perfectly natural, if heart-breaking for him. But if you're not feeling it, end it. In answer to your thread title question - in my experience, no. And I think you know that.

 

And in response to your assumption/query, I have my beautiful loving girlfriend sitting opposite me right now. I love women, but won't shy from pointing out their adorable little faults, criticizing their mental little ways, or exposing their cute little psycho-dramas.

[Mustang Sally]

I was chatting with someone last night who asked, "Do you find him sexy?" I thought that cut to the heart of things. I think when the rush of admiration for all his wonderful "on paper" qualities wears off and and all the gooey feelings level out, there has to be a baseline animal attraction/chemistry to carry the relationship forward. If it was weak or never there, the sex tends to crash and without the sex, the romantic feelings can't be sustained, IMO. Then whatever hairline cracks already existed tend to spread and slowly erode the integrity of the relationship.

 

Today I had the realization that the romance/sexual feelings may never be there again for me. It is a good possibility anyway. I am faced with the brutal question of whether I can live without that feeling, perhaps for the rest of my life. Are the other aspects of the relationship worth that? Sure, I could improve things, but I can't bet on that. For thirteen years our sex life has wavered between so-so and terrible.

 

I suppose if your sex drive is low enough, it makes it easier. You can just ignore the sex and focus on the companionship. That was how things were for a long while on my part. And he has always wanted more. Again, it is very difficult.

Story -

You are singing my song, today, girl.

 

That is exactly my problem with my H.

 

Thank you for putting it into words for me.

 

MaryMary -

I hope you do not have these issues. If you feel that you do, then my advice (albeit, I am jaded) is to cut the cord now, before you end up married to him! It is not something I would wish on you.

[Darkzen]

OMG Chris Rock is the next Nostradamus. When he was talking about the girl sitting there just staring at their man. How they wanted him to die so they could get someone better before they lost their looks. How they hated him, because he wasn't their first choice. It's all so true.

 

I got a question for all you ladies... name one time that you followed your emotions over logic and things turned out in a good way?

[jcster]

I got a question for all you ladies... name one time that you followed your emotions over logic and things turned out in a good way?

 

Name the one time that choosing logic over emotion improved your love life?

[Kerewin]

LOL

 

Chris Rock is the ULTIMATE marriage counselor. On couples who do EVERYTHING together:

 

"Remember the time?..."

 

"Of course I remember the mother-****ing time. I was there. You've told me that **** a million times. Why don't you get yourself kidnapped or something, get some new **** to talk about!"

 

So true.

 

Relationships have to be about two wholes, not two halves. Couples who do everything together/ are everything to each other will ALWAYS lose that spark.

[Darkzen]

Name the one time that choosing logic over emotion improved your love life?

 

Not trying to get back with my ex.

[Mustang Sally]

Darkzen -

Look. Dude.

 

Flame all you want, but the truth is, it does happen.

Feel free to throw stones, etc.

Most of us (women and maybe some men, too) who have admitted to what Story aptly describes are already beating ourselves about the head and face for WHY we feel this way, HOW we could have made such a regrettable mistake, WHAT we should/could/ought to do about it.

Read some of our threads/other posts, if you don't want to take my word for it.

 

The OP in this thread is not married to her BF yet. But she is having issues with her "attraction" to him - be it her fault, his fault, or both their faults.

 

I'm just advising to take a break from the R, as they are not legally bound to one another, and see if that gives her any better clarity.

 

Congratulations to you, that you have no such issues in your life.

 

Peace.

[Storyrider]

OMG Chris Rock is the next Nostradamus. When he was talking about the girl sitting there just staring at their man. How they wanted him to die so they could get someone better before they lost their looks. How they hated him, because he wasn't their first choice. It's all so true.

 

The best humor has a seed of truth to it, but it also exaggerates to make a point. "Get someone better," might describe what someone is thinking, but not the OP, or myself, or Sally from what I can tell. Not in the sense I think the joke implies.

 

I got a question for all you ladies... name one time that you followed your emotions over logic and things turned out in a good way?

 

Why should the OP move forward when either her head or her gut is sending her warning signals? Now is the time for her to ask herself these questions.

 

If instinct and intuition were not useful tools for survival, we wouldn't have passed on those traits. They would have been naturally selected out, and we'd all be calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Spock.

 

Flame all you want, but the truth is, it does happen.

Feel free to throw stones, etc.

Most of us (women and maybe some men, too) who have admitted to what Story aptly describes are already beating ourselves about the head and face for WHY we feel this way, HOW we could have made such a regrettable mistake, WHAT we should/could/ought to do about it.

Read some of our threads/other posts, if you don't want to take my word for it.

 

Thanks Sally, our situations are similar for sure.

 

The OP in this thread is not married to her BF yet. But she is having issues with her "attraction" to him - be it her fault, his fault, or both their faults.

 

Exactly. I don't know why some posters have to turn this into a male versus female issue. I don't think it helps the OP one bit.

[Darkzen]

Darkzen -

Look. Dude.

 

Flame all you want, but the truth is, it does happen.

Feel free to throw stones, etc.

Most of us (women and maybe some men, too) who have admitted to what Story aptly describes are already beating ourselves about the head and face for WHY we feel this way, HOW we could have made such a regrettable mistake, WHAT we should/could/ought to do about it.

Read some of our threads/other posts, if you don't want to take my word for it.

 

The OP in this thread is not married to her BF yet. But she is having issues with her "attraction" to him - be it her fault, his fault, or both their faults.

 

I'm just advising to take a break from the R, as they are not legally bound to one another, and see if that gives her any better clarity.

 

Congratulations to you, that you have no such issues in your life.

 

Peace.

 

LOL, did I hit an open nerve or something? The point I was making is that being ruled by emotions is a bad thing. Learn some control over yourself. Men have to, why are women exempt? We get told that it's wrong to show emotions from a very young age, but encourage it in women. "Rub some dirt on it" as opposed to "it's ok baby, what's the matter?". The simple truth is that we have to seek a balance, that requires understanding.

 

Life isn't fair, women do not understand this. They like to use the saying though, when it suits them. So the guy isn't perfect, no guy is, stop being idiots. The grass only looks greener. Life is all about compromise, the problem here is that the OP wants her cake and to eat it to... sorry to be the buzz-kill, but that's not reality for the majority of people. Nor will she realize this until she's 40+. Making up **** in your head isn't healthy, it's what we call being a brat. Obviously, she found him attractive at one point... I'm willing to bet money that this change of heart happened after her friends started making comments about how unattractive her partner is. Pony up and stop worrying about what other people think.

 

My ex cheated on me due to her friends not liking me and talking me down, then she left me because her mom is having a bad marriage and projected onto her. I'm actually glad it happened now, it severed the emotional bond I had with her and I finally realized that she wasn't right for me. People aren't really that much different, it's all just varying levels of honesty. I wasn't honest with myself while with my ex, I know this. But the problem wasn't as silly as physical attractiveness, I could do better in that category, very easily. In-fact, I turned down much better looking women because I felt a stronger connection with my ex when we first started dating. Looks are important, but only to the point of wanting to actually sleep with the person. When you're horny, it really doesn't matter anyways... only to your superficial ego (like what other people think and say, because they're justifying their own BS ego).

 

But whatever, have a good night.

[Darkzen]

The best humor has a seed of truth to it, but it also exaggerates to make a point. "Get someone better," might describe what someone is thinking, but not the OP, or myself, or Sally from what I can tell. Not in the sense I think the joke implies.

All humor is exaggerated truth, otherwise it wouldn't be funny. Obviously, Chris Rock is only skimming the topic with his observations. It's true though, just simplistic. Why do you feel that you, Sally and the OP are exempt?

 

Why should the OP move forward when either her head or her gut is sending her warning signals? Now is the time for her to ask herself these questions.

The OP is getting mixed signals, not warning signals. Logically he's a good fit for her, emotionally (attractiveness) he's not. I agree, she has to look deep and ask herself some questions.

 

If instinct and intuition were not useful tools for survival, we wouldn't have passed on those traits. They would have been naturally selected out, and we'd all be calling each other Mr. and Mrs. Spock.

Uh no. Why do we still have an appendix? Evolution is a slow process and instinct/intuition can be useful tools, but not always. Look at society and ask yourself how many instincts/intuitions do we suppress. It's about balance, not extremes.

 

Thanks Sally, our situations are similar for sure.

 

 

 

Exactly. I don't know why some posters have to turn this into a male versus female issue. I don't think it helps the OP one bit.

 

It's a male vs female thing, because women are way more emotional than men are, typically speaking. It can help her or it may not help her... how can someone know if they don't explore their options?

[Storyrider]

In-fact, I turned down much better looking women because I felt a stronger connection with my ex when we first started dating. Looks are important, but only to the point of wanting to actually sleep with the person.

 

That just proves the point about chemistry. It isn't about the guy's physical features, it is about whether or not she wants to jump him. If she'd rather channel surf on her honeymoon than f*ck her husband, there is a problem, no matter what he looks like.

 

When you're horny, it really doesn't matter anyways... only to your superficial ego (like what other people think and say, because they're justifying their own BS ego).

 

Speak for yourself. I don't think you're describing how the majority of women feel.

 

I think the reason more men don't have this problem is that they would never continue for months in a relationship with a woman they didn't want in bed. Some (I said some) women are confused about what they want sexually. With men, there is a direct line from d*ck to brain, and there is not much room for confusion. If the d*ck says no go, it is a no go. End of story. (Either that or she is attractive enough for a one night stand but not relationship material.)

[jcster]

Life isn't fair, women do not understand this.

 

Bullsh*t! Good lord, do you really believe that?! Trust me, we know from age 5 that life isn't fair - and it's proven to us ever freakin day! What a crock. Seriously...that's just idiotic. I pray that reincarnation is real and you come back as a woman...now THAT would be fair!

 

They like to use the saying though, when it suits them. So the guy isn't perfect, no guy is, stop being idiots.

 

By that reckoning, then any woman should suit you as well. Who cares if she drives you nuts - who cares if you can't stand the sound of her voice anymore? Again, the double standard that guys should have the supermodel and women should settle for a man that doesn't beat her. Get off it! Talk about wishful thinking.

 

The grass only looks greener. Life is all about compromise, the problem here is that the OP wants her cake and to eat it to... sorry to be the buzz-kill, but that's not reality for the majority of people. Nor will she realize this until she's 40+.

 

NO! Trust me, I realized at 40 that not only was the grass greener, the grass on my side of the fence had been dead for years! You get one life - chase the grass!!

 

Making up **** in your head isn't healthy, it's what we call being a brat.

 

Nice...be sure and infantalize the woman to demean her opinion! (that's what we call being a pig.)

 

Obviously, she found him attractive at one point... I'm willing to bet money that this change of heart happened after her friends started making comments about how unattractive her partner is. Pony up and stop worrying about what other people think.

 

You obviously don't know anything about women. We are not purely visual creatures. A large part of what we find attractive are what you would consider intangibles: character, personality, humor, etc. Believe me, there is nothing more unattractive than a man who has lost your respect. Brad Pitt would become Quasimoto in a heartbeat if he let his woman down. I have a feeling that you know this, but you would love to believe the opposite.

 

Truth hurts, man.

[Darkzen]

That just proves the point about chemistry. It isn't about the guy's physical features, it is about whether or not she wants to jump him. If she'd rather channel surf on her honeymoon than f*ck her husband, there is a problem, no matter what he looks like.

 

No, it doesn't prove your point... I guess I didn't make it clear enough. I turned down other women that were far more attractive (i.e. wanted to bang from here until next Thursday), but went for my ex because of the other connections we had. Such as a similar life, similar interests, etc... Those things do not make someone more physically attractive.

 

Speak for yourself. I don't think you're describing how the majority of women feel.

 

And there lies my point. Women are way to emotional about things, which causes themselves problems unnecessarily.

 

I think the reason more men don't have this problem is that they would never continue for months in a relationship with a woman they didn't want in bed. Some (I said some) women are confused about what they want sexually. With men, there is a direct line from d*ck to brain, and there is not much room for confusion. If the d*ck says no go, it is a no go. End of story. (Either that or she is attractive enough for a one night stand but not relationship material.)

 

I'll disagree. Men aren't overly emotional about sex, so they'll sleep with whoever for the most part. Women seek emotional satisfaction on top of the physical satisfaction, men seek the physical satisfaction. This is in regards to sex. This is the problem, women turn sex into way more than what it is. They focus on silly things that don't matter, which starts issues in other areas that do matter. Such as the OP, she's focusing on little imperfections and it's going to break up a relationship, that seems like it's a good one. Over what exactly? He's lacking a little hair on his head, he's got a little gut, etc... nothing she mentioned isn't fixable (a hell of a lot more fixable than the good things in the relationship anyways). Oh that's right, we live in a disposable society, when it breaks, buy a new one... Seriously, a good relationship takes work, stop looking to win the lottery and put a little work into instead.

[Darkzen]

Bullsh*t! Good lord, do you really believe that?! Trust me, we know from age 5 that life isn't fair - and it's proven to us ever freakin day! What a crock. Seriously...that's just idiotic. I pray that reincarnation is real and you come back as a woman...now THAT would be fair!

OK, got any examples... I'm sure I could go point for point and then some.

 

By that reckoning, then any woman should suit you as well. Who cares if she drives you nuts - who cares if you can't stand the sound of her voice anymore? Again, the double standard that guys should have the supermodel and women should settle for a man that doesn't beat her. Get off it! Talk about wishful thinking.

 

Not what I was implying. I was saying that, people shouldn't cut off their nose to spite their face. This is a good guy according to the OP, is it fair that she's looking for things to give her justification... maybe he's no Brad Pitt, but he seems to be doing all the right things in other areas.

 

NO! Trust me, I realized at 40 that not only was the grass greener, the grass on my side of the fence had been dead for years! You get one life - chase the grass!!

 

LOL, be miserable then.

 

Nice...be sure and infantalize the woman to demean her opinion! (that's what we call being a pig.)

I call them as I see them. If you have an opinion, speak it, don't cry about it.

 

You obviously don't know anything about women. We are not purely visual creatures. A large part of what we find attractive are what you would consider intangibles: character, personality, humor, etc. Believe me, there is nothing more unattractive than a man who has lost your respect. Brad Pitt would become Quasimoto in a heartbeat if he let his woman down. I have a feeling that you know this, but you would love to believe the opposite.

 

Game, set, match. I know for a fact what women look for. You're actually backing up my argument now. The OP is ruining a relationship based purely on the visual aspect of her man. Unless of course she doesn't respect him, because he isn't challenging her enough... God forbid a guy treats a women decently. Quasimodo, Brad Pitt... does it really matter in the grand scheme of life? If you found Quasimodo attractive enough to sleep with him, looks shouldn't matter.

 

Truth hurts, man.

 

No, do not have first hand experience with letting a women down. I do however have experience with a women letting me down, due to her being ruled by emotions. It had nothing to do with looks or sex though. It had to do with her making **** up in her head, to villianize me. Everyone that knew us, was shocked when they found out and laughed when I explained her reasons. She had a good thing, but wanted more... she wanted to feel "in love" again... you throw away nine years with someone that was always there for you, based on wanting to feel butterflies in your tummy again? If you do, you need a reality check. It nothing more than emotions, not an ounce of sense anywhere. The problem with the grass is greener, is that if your lawn isn't dead, when do you become content? Perfection doesn't exist. Why chase something that doesn't exist, when you can make what you do have better with the same effort?

[jcster]

It had to do with her making **** up in her head, to villianize me. Everyone that knew us, was shocked when they found out and laughed when I explained her reasons. She had a good thing, but wanted more... she wanted to feel "in love" again... you throw away nine years with someone that was always there for you, based on wanting to feel butterflies in your tummy again? If you do, you need a reality check.

 

Ah..as I thought - you have an axe to grind.

 

Guess what...I did the same thing - and it was 10 years - and everyone thought I was crazy - but it's the first time in my life that I've been truly at peace with myself and the world. I walked out - left him everything and started over with nothing, because I need to believe in happiness over pragmatism. So villianize women all you want - preach to the hills about what emotional, spoiled brats we are, and I will sit back and smile because I walked away and don't have to listen to that crap anymore.

 

And no...you don't know jack about women and sadly, I don't think you really care to learn. It's your loss.

[Mustang Sally]

Darkzen -

Of course you hit a nerve with me.

This type of question is what brought me to LS in the first place. Maybe you might consider reading some history on some of the posters before you go trying to slap your beliefs on them or their situations?

 

Nevertheless, there is some merit to what you say.

And I appreciate your viewpoint. You are certainly entitled to your opinion.

 

However, I do not find it applicable, in any significant way, to my situation, and likely not to Storyrider's, or the OP's. However, they would have to speak for themselves, of course.

 

I will, in the future of this thread, disregard your inflammatory statements.

I will be content to agree to disagree (wholeheartedly) with you.

 

Peace to you, from an older gal with a bit more years and marital experience under her belt.

[amaysngrace]

I'm confused on what you mean by physical attraction. Do you mean he's a turn-off now or something? Or does he still turn you on?

 

Because I think that if you aren't attracted to someone you wouldn't hook up with them in the first place. There has to be something you saw in him that made you want to hang out with him.

 

I don't know the whole situation but I think you're being shallow and sound pretty immature if you're letting what your friends say influence your view of your BF.

 

Did you ever think that maybe they're jealous because you're in a better relationship than they are?

[TheRock]

Don't give up. Remember what you loved about him from the beginning and DON'T listen to other people. Usually they sabatoage you by putting things in your head because THEY are unhappy and wish they had a relationship like yours. There is hope. Just don't quit giving it a chance. Do Fun, Romantic things and it'll come back.

[Darkzen]

Ah..as I thought - you have an axe to grind.

 

Guess what...I did the same thing - and it was 10 years - and everyone thought I was crazy - but it's the first time in my life that I've been truly at peace with myself and the world. I walked out - left him everything and started over with nothing, because I need to believe in happiness over pragmatism. So villianize women all you want - preach to the hills about what emotional, spoiled brats we are, and I will sit back and smile because I walked away and don't have to listen to that crap anymore.

 

And no...you don't know jack about women and sadly, I don't think you really care to learn. It's your loss.

 

I have an axe to grind sure... don't we all. The way I look at things though, when speaking in generalities, if it doesn't pertain to you... then it wasn't meant to be aimed at you. So when I say "women", I do not mean all women... only women that fit into the context of the conversation (i.e. what I see from the OP).

 

I don't villianize women at all, but based on my experiences with them, they do have a tendency to be a little over-emotional. Obviously, my words struck a nerve in a few people... that's what we call "the truth hurts", if what I said didn't affect you in some way, you would have ignored it IMHO.

 

I don't know every woman completely, but I know the type of woman you are very well. Let me guess, you deluded yourself enough, to walk out of a decent relationship. You wanted more than you were getting and twisted your logic to villianize your ex. To make the transition easier on you. Did you even attempt to work things out (you know be honorable)? Sounds an awfully lot like my ex, you probably sucked at communication, stored everything internally and when it got too much for you to bear... you walked away. That's how emotions work without the benefit of logic, reason and communication.

 

Oh and yeah, maybe your ex was right when he called you emotional and a spoiled brat. So how happy are you really? Did you actually find someone better or just found someone that is your doormat? Did your ex hurt your feelings by being honest with you? Sorry but the truth does in-fact hurt, you're just stubborn and when things don't go your way... you flee the situation. Be honest with yourself for once in your life, it sucks, but in the long run it's the only way to grow as a person. Happiness isn't what you sought, it was merely less conflict. Sorry but if something hurts your feelings, there's a reason it does. You just refuse to be honest with yourself and see that the problem may actually be you.

 

Mustang Sally: I'm not slapping my beliefs on anyone. I'm blunt and honest, it's my personality. I cannot force anyone to believe something if they choose not to. Maybe the fact that my words struck a cord in you, might be something to ponder.

 

Nor am I attempting to be inflammatory, just being blunt and speaking my mind. The simple truth is that if my comments had no merit, it shouldn't have bothered you TBPH. You're reacting based on emotions, had you taken a minute to think it over (once the emotions pass), you would see that. If what you say is the truth.

 

I don't know everything and never claimed to. I have had a very interesting life to say the least, I'm a watcher and thinker, that contemplates all types of things. I've had the opportunity to interact with many types of people. From gang-bangers to drug dealers to soldiers to intellectuals... I can honestly put myself somewhat in their perspectives and understand why they do what they do. I don't agree with everything, but at least I can see where they're coming from.

 

Age doesn't mean jack either, I've met some extremely dumb people much older than myself. Nor does marriage really mean anything either tbh. It's a formality at best. So you signed a piece of paper and wore a ring, does that really change the commitment of a relationship? It's such a fallacy, I had a friend that cheated all the time and he said that he'd stop once he got married... I looked at him and said WTF is the difference? You're in a committed relationship, what really changes with marriage, the paperwork? Guess what, after marriage, he still cheated lol. Maybe some people put too much importance on marriage and not enough on relationships.

[jcster]

when I say "women", I do not mean all women... only women that fit into the context of the conversation (i.e. what I see from the OP).

 

I find that difficult to believe, but I'll give it to you. Perhaps you might want to try the phrase "some women" or "women that do this." It'll save you a lot of arguing (if that's what you want.)

 

I don't know every woman completely, but I know the type of woman you are very well.

 

No, you don't...read on...

 

Let me guess, you deluded yourself enough, to walk out of a decent relationship. You wanted more than you were getting and twisted your logic to villianize your ex.

 

My ex let me down. Not once, but many times. You will never believe this, because you've already passed judgement, but I'm extremely honorable. I stayed with him for years - until I realized that he was no longer my friend and didn't have the capacity to truly care about me. He thought he did, but he could never be there when times got tough. I got tired of comforting him when I was the one who needed the support.

 

Did you even attempt to work things out (you know be honorable)? Sounds an awfully lot like my ex, you probably sucked at communication, stored everything internally and when it got too much for you to bear... you walked away. That's how emotions work without the benefit of logic, reason and communication.

 

It takes two people to communicate, and he was even worse than I was at it. Believe me, we both tried. And, when I realized that I was no longer be the wife that he wanted - I left - because it was the HONORABLE thing to do.

 

Oh and yeah, maybe your ex was right when he called you emotional and a spoiled brat.

 

Actually, he only called me emotional - but to be fair, my friends call him the "pod person," so anyone is emotional compared to him. He never called me spoiled - the day I moved out, he told me he was proud of me (whatever that was worth). We are still friends - and I am friends with his new fiance.

 

So how happy are you really? Did you actually find someone better or just found someone that is your doormat?

 

I've been pretty much single for the last two years, and will probably remain so for a while. I'm enjoying learning about myself and what I want. I have always been the helper, the one to sacrifice for everyone else, it was necessary when I was young and became a way of life later on. I needed to leave to save my life - I'd never learned to be myself, and "wife" isn't enough of definition to live on. I'm happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad, which is a hell of a lot better than numb.

 

Did your ex hurt your feelings by being honest with you?

 

Quite the opposite, I'm afraid - I told him a few things he didn't like.

 

you're just stubborn and when things don't go your way... you flee the situation.

 

If you knew me, you would be embarrassed to say that. I'm definitely stubborn, though

 

Be honest with yourself for once in your life, it sucks, but in the long run it's the only way to grow as a person.

 

Leaving was the first honest thing I had ever done.

 

Happiness isn't what you sought, it was merely less conflict.

 

I left to find happiness and conflict - I didn't really have either in my marriage - we argued about 4 times in 10 years.

 

Sorry but if something hurts your feelings, there's a reason it does. You just refuse to be honest with yourself and see that the problem may actually be you.

 

I'm laughing at you...and feeling sorry for you...and hoping that you find a way to heal yourself - I can tell YOU aren't happy. Stop blaming other people for the way you feel and learn to live with yourself. I'm not going to answer any more of your posts in this thread, it's feeling really pointless. I'm sorry that I made you angry, but I hate it when people try and tell me my sh*t when they don't even know their own. I have a feeling if we met each other in the "real world" we'd get along fine. Peace.

[shadowplay]

I'll play devil's advocate and side with some of the guys on this thread that women are far more likely to lose physical attraction than men. I'm a woman btw. It's not that we're terrible, heartless people; it's just that our brains our wired differently in many respects. For most men physical and emotional attraction are compartmentalized, and physical attraction is purely, well, physical. Therefore a man will remain attracted to a woman for her physical traits even if things aren't going well in the relationship. Men are easy to please in some ways because their needs are more basic and predictable.

 

For most women physical and emotional attraction are intertwined. (I know for myself it's nearly impossible to find where one begins and the other ends.) Usually for women physical attraction follows mostly from emotional attraction. So if a woman is feeling a lackluster emotional connection to a guy, her physical attraction to him is often the first thing to go. Emotions are by definition whimsical and hard to predict, which is why a woman's physical attraction will ebb and flow while a man's will not.