Can I regain physical attraction for my b/f once it is lost?

[MaryMary]

Please help...my b/f and I have been dating for 8 months now and when we got together a lot of ppl were surprised because I knew others did not think he was the hottest guy, but I felt very attracted to him and thought he was good looking. We had an amazing "honeymoon period" of our rel'p where I felt he may actually be the one for me. (I am 26 yrs old btw) Now, in the last month or so it was like one day I woke up and wasn't all that attracted to him anymore. This is devestating to me because he is the most wonderful man, we have a lot of fun together and I know he loves me so much and has said I am the only one for him. He never left the "honeymoon" phase but I clearly have, and although I am not disgusted by him or anything extreme like that, I cannot seem to get past his imperfections, etc. I really want to stop being so shallow, because I feel if I could look past his physical appearance and rediscover what I first saw in him, I would be very happy with him. Why does this happen? Can you ever regain the physical attraction back? This has happened with other b/f's as well but I didn't care much for their personalities so I didn't really bother salvaging the rel'p, whereas I really wanted to try with this man.

[peace_pipe]

Can you be more specific in the reasons why you don't find him attractive?

 

Is he overweight? Uni-brow? Short?

[MaryMary]

Well, he isn't as physically active as me, he is definitely starting to get the belly, and he is already balding a little bit at the top of his head. I guess he doesn't really match my fantasy I had in my head, I have always been attracted to guys that were much taller, more physically active and dark hair, etc. But when I first met him all of that did not matter, it is like I saw something beautiful in him, but it is like after the "gushy" phase ended it is as if I am seeing more of his flaws which has become a turn-off. They say when you really love someone you see past all of it...I feel I do love him but maybe I am just not "in love" with him and maybe that is why I cannot look past his flaws....?

[reboot]

Break up with him. When you see him with another woman, then you'll regain your physical attraction to him.

 

Of course, it'll probably be too late then......

[nicki]

I think this is a completely normal phase. It will give you a chance to see if you love the man underneath the love chemical haze you've been enjoying.

 

I've had it happen. Like you said, you didn't care about the other guys, but you do this guy. So give it a few months. Don't focus on his little faults. That's just nature's trick to get you to move on to another new guy, and the new love high....now, if they are big faults, like a difference in values, then that's a different story....but I assume we are talking about a bit of a belly, a weird toe, or a habit that you didn't notice before (or once thought was cute.)

 

Anyway, focus on getting to know other things about him. Ask him questions about his past, his dreams, his values. When you find yourself thinking of his faults, immediately remember what you loved about him at first. Picture yourself excited to see him, like at the beginning.

 

After a few months, see if the attraction returns. It often does with a good quality guy you can have a deeper connection with. The attraction returns in a slow comfortable way that a steady fire burns. Sometimes it will catch into a bonfire, too. That's how you know it's the right guy.

 

With a guy that doesn't matter, you won't feel anything anymore for quite a while.

 

So, I wouldn't bail yet. Give it some time. Don't focus on negative things, but keep your eyes open for real problems with a difference in values or a complete drop in attraction that never comes back.

 

There is nothing sweeter than seeing your guy doing something mundane like opening the fridge in the morning and then turning toward you with a silly grin on his sleepy face. It's sweet and heartbreaking in a good way when you think "He's all mine and I'm all his. And I don't care if he has a bit of a belly. There's not another guy in the world for me." Corny, but true.

[Ocean-Blue]

Please help...my b/f and I have been dating for 8 months now and when we got together a lot of ppl were surprised because I knew others did not think he was the hottest guy, but I felt very attracted to him and thought he was good looking. We had an amazing "honeymoon period" of our rel'p where I felt he may actually be the one for me. (I am 26 yrs old btw) Now, in the last month or so it was like one day I woke up and wasn't all that attracted to him anymore. This is devestating to me because he is the most wonderful man, we have a lot of fun together and I know he loves me so much and has said I am the only one for him. He never left the "honeymoon" phase but I clearly have, and although I am not disgusted by him or anything extreme like that, I cannot seem to get past his imperfections, etc. I really want to stop being so shallow, because I feel if I could look past his physical appearance and rediscover what I first saw in him, I would be very happy with him. Why does this happen? Can you ever regain the physical attraction back? This has happened with other b/f's as well but I didn't care much for their personalities so I didn't really bother salvaging the rel'p, whereas I really wanted to try with this man.

 

Mary, I've totally been where you are. Only I was never really attracted to my ex in the first place...I had moments...but that was about it.

 

You however were totally into this guy at one point. You have to ask yourself if anything has changed to make you feel this way. So he's balding, so he's got a bit of a belly... Surely these things were somewhat there at the beginning of the relationship. Something more may be going on. Something emotional?

 

For me, when I begin to lose interest (for whatever reason), I find that this lack of interest manifests in a physical way (I start to see the guy differently...what used to be cute is no longer cute, etc). This is a horrible way to deal with issues I guess...to see the once hot guy as a troll...but that's just how I work. Some would call this a defense mechanism.

 

But really, if the attraction is gone...and you've tried to bring it back (not sure if you have)... Well, I think you know what's next. Normally I'd say that this is a normal phase that one goes through..but seeing as how it's only been 8 months...I dunno. Perhaps he's not the right guy for you. Or maybe you need to do a little more analysis of the relationship to figure out what is really going on.

 

I see a lot of similarities b/w you and I...feel free to PM if you ever want to chat further.

[The Collector]

Let me guess - did your physical attraction for him diminish at the same time you realised he was a needy wuss who was too eager to please? Did you act like a spoilt little madam and he let you get away with it too easy? Be honest.

[Ocean-Blue]

Let me guess - did your physical attraction for him diminish at the same time you realised he was a needy wuss who was too eager to please? Did you act like a spoilt little madam and he let you get away with it too easy? Be honest.

 

Well look who it is. It's the hot bad boy who doesn't bathe.

[Cobra_X30]

Let me guess - did your physical attraction for him diminish at the same time you realised he was a needy wuss who was too eager to please? Did you act like a spoilt little madam and he let you get away with it too easy? Be honest.

 

Is somebody Bitter?

[The Collector]

Well look who it is. It's the hot bad boy who doesn't bathe.

 

I bathe once a month whether I need it or not!

 

And no, I'm not bitter. But lots of better men than I am can be forgiven for being bitter when they realise they've spent their lives trying to be what women said they wanted, only to see them run off with the very heart-breaker (hello) they swore they detested.

 

Which may or may not be the case here. That's what I was trying to ascertain before you two couldn't resist flaming my musky, real man ass.

[Ocean-Blue]

I bathe once a month whether I need it or not!

 

And no, I'm not bitter. But lots of better men than I am can be forgiven for being bitter when they realise they've spent their lives trying to be what women said they wanted, only to see them run off with the very heart-breaker (hello) they swore they detested.

 

Which may or may not be the case here. That's what I was trying to ascertain before you two couldn't resist flaming my musky, real man ass.

 

Methinks the man dost protest too much.

[nicki]

We all project our own experiences. Nobody said anything about this guy being a wuss.

 

No matter how much we armor up, we can still get hurt. Maybe even because we are armored up, we get hurt.

[Cobra_X30]

I bathe once a month whether I need it or not!

 

And no, I'm not bitter. But lots of better men than I am can be forgiven for being bitter when they realise they've spent their lives trying to be what women said they wanted, only to see them run off with the very heart-breaker (hello) they swore they detested.

 

Which may or may not be the case here. That's what I was trying to ascertain before you two couldn't resist flaming my musky, real man ass.

 

1st I resent the fact that your giving away guy secrets on an open forum!!! The more we talk about stuff like this the more women will wise up! That would be a disaster!

 

Second, You need to realize that it is a very fine line between being too nice and too mean! Either end of that spectrum and you wont be able to keep a GF!

 

In conclusion.... Use Soap!

[nicki]

Cobra, !

[The Collector]

Yeah it was a real zinger. Even though I've mentioned several times the not bathing thing was a joke. Come smell my pits and tell me I'm lying.

 

1. Guy secrets, what do I care? I'm more concerned with teaching these fillies a thing or two about mutual respect, forbidden attraction and victimhood-engendered amorality.

 

2. Sounds reasonable, but the truth is you can err on the side of too mean far more successfully than on the side of too nice. What's that all about? Balls is what. And it's something you girls deride in public and yearn for in private.

 

And getting back to the OP, who is asking for help - ignore these flamers and tell me if the root cause of your lack of attraction for your bf is that he turned out too wussy. And I know there is little hint of that in the original post, call it a hunch rather than a projection.

[Ocean-Blue]

Yeah it was a real zinger. Even though I've mentioned several times the not bathing thing was a joke. Come smell my pits and tell me I'm lying.

 

1. Guy secrets, what do I care? I'm more concerned with teaching these fillies a thing or two about mutual respect, forbidden attraction and victimhood-engendered amorality.

 

2. Sounds reasonable, but the truth is you can err on the side of too mean far more successfully than on the side of too nice. What's that all about? Balls is what. And it's something you girls deride in public and yearn for in private.

 

And getting back to the OP, who is asking for help - ignore these flamers and tell me if the root cause of your lack of attraction for your bf is that he turned out too wussy. And I know there is little hint of that in the original post, call it a hunch rather than a projection.

 

Umm...I respectful ask you take back the flaming comment. If you read further up, I responded to the OP's post sincerely.

 

And I'll let the bathing thing go. For now.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah it was a real zinger. Even though I've mentioned several times the not bathing thing was a joke. Come smell my pits and tell me I'm lying.

 

1. Guy secrets, what do I care? I'm more concerned with teaching these fillies a thing or two about mutual respect, forbidden attraction and victimhood-engendered amorality.

 

2. Sounds reasonable, but the truth is you can err on the side of too mean far more successfully than on the side of too nice. What's that all about? Balls is what. And it's something you girls deride in public and yearn for in private.

 

Collector, I had the same hunch to be honest! It started when she states how much her guy loves her and thinks she is the one for him and such! Thats usually a recipe for disaster with a girl.

 

That doesnt mean you need to go scream it to the world! What do you have some deep yearning to be a nice guy or something? We just need to keep our mouths closed.

 

I'm not going to go sniff your pits! I dont think I would have to get that close if you really have a problem. Look, if you dont like using soap w/baths, I suggest a good cologne!

[shadowplay]

Mary, I've totally been where you are. Only I was never really attracted to my ex in the first place...I had moments...but that was about it.

 

You however were totally into this guy at one point. You have to ask yourself if anything has changed to make you feel this way. So he's balding, so he's got a bit of a belly... Surely these things were somewhat there at the beginning of the relationship. Something more may be going on. Something emotional?

 

For me, when I begin to lose interest (for whatever reason), I find that this lack of interest manifests in a physical way (I start to see the guy differently...what used to be cute is no longer cute, etc). This is a horrible way to deal with issues I guess...to see the once hot guy as a troll...but that's just how I work. Some would call this a defense mechanism.

 

But really, if the attraction is gone...and you've tried to bring it back (not sure if you have)... Well, I think you know what's next. Normally I'd say that this is a normal phase that one goes through..but seeing as how it's only been 8 months...I dunno. Perhaps he's not the right guy for you. Or maybe you need to do a little more analysis of the relationship to figure out what is really going on.

 

I see a lot of similarities b/w you and I...feel free to PM if you ever want to chat further.

 

Out of curiosity why did you get involved with your ex if you weren't attracted to him? I've done the same thing in the past and I'm wondering if you have similar reasons.

[Ocean-Blue]

Out of curiosity why did you get involved with your ex if you weren't attracted to him? I've done the same thing in the past and I'm wondering if you have similar reasons.

 

Shadow...I dug up one of your old posts (something about looking not touching...the inability to maintain interest/chemistry). I found some GLARING similarities...

 

I don't want to hijack this thread...but since you asked, I'll post here. Perhaps it's relevant to the OP's post.

 

I began my relationship with my ex when I was a teen. I had no clue what I wanted...I just sort of fell into the relationship (he was a very close friend and grew to become my best friend). I found myself being attracted to him from afar. I was repeatedly told by friends, etc that he was a "catch" that he was "handsome", "gorgeous", etc... I sought validation anywhere I could. Anytime someone made a comment about his looks, I clung to it quite desperately b/c I was so not into him. I remember times when I'd be with him...laying next to him or sitting with him...and I felt so very lost and empty. I was simply NOT attracted to him. And he knew this. I was brutally honest with him...and it hurt him... We tried to work it out but never really got anywhere.

 

I was like this for years. Even prior to hooking up with him, I would have these intense crushes (essentially admiring boy x from afar and then running for the hills once boy x and I began to talk). I'd find flaws EVERYWHERE (too short, too tall, poor grammar, too needy, too intense, too..err..dumb)... You get my drift.

 

So I thought something was wrong with me. How could I like a guy at first and the lose interest so quickly? I have no idea what it was. Seeing as how the common denominator was ME, I'd hazard a guess and say that I am/was a little "off" upstairs. That I have issues.

 

But then... With my current bf. I'm insanely attracted to him. Go figure.

[Cobra_X30]

So I thought something was wrong with me. How could I like a guy at first and the lose interest so quickly? I have no idea what it was. Seeing as how the common denominator was ME, I'd hazard a guess and say that I am/was a little "off" upstairs. That I have issues.

 

But then... With my current bf. I'm insanely attracted to him. Go figure.

 

Dont you think this feeds into what Collector was talking about earlier.

 

Serious, If a girl told me that she didnt find me attractive anymore. I'd literally pick her up and throw her out. It's that simple... if you cant be attracted to me... I cant be attracted to you.

 

So it tells me something when I hear your BF tried to work through your lack of attraction for him. Did you feel like he was into you way more than you were into him?

[Ocean-Blue]

Dont you think this feeds into what Collector was talking about earlier.

 

Serious, If a girl told me that she didnt find me attractive anymore. I'd literally pick her up and throw her out. It's that simple... if you cant be attracted to me... I cant be attracted to you.

 

So it tells me something when I hear your BF tried to work through your lack of attraction for him. Did you feel like he was into you way more than you were into him?

 

Yes, he was into me more than I was into him. But he wasn't the creepy, needy type. In fact, on all accounts, he was Mr. Cool. The kind of guy that didn't let every little thing I did faze him. He did not bend to every whim on my part. He had his own set of standards and didn't follow me around like a lost puppy.

 

We stuck it out for as long as we did (almost a decade) b/c we were such good friends. It was one of those friendships that one dreams about. We knew so much about each other...we clicked on so many levels (all but the physical).

[Yamaha]

This is devastating to me because he is the most wonderful man, we have a lot of fun together and I know he loves me so much and has said I am the only one for him.

 

This is why you feel less attraction to him now. His looks hasn't changed since you meet him but your attitude about him has changed. He has become like a friend instead of a lover. Can you find the attraction again? Only if he becomes the guy you first meet and not the guy you see now.

[jcster]

1. Guy secrets, what do I care? I'm more concerned with teaching these fillies a thing or two about mutual respect, forbidden attraction and victimhood-engendered amorality.

 

Trust me, the "fillies" figure it out eventually - usually about age 40.

 

Sounds reasonable, but the truth is you can err on the side of too mean far more successfully than on the side of too nice. What's that all about? Balls is what. And it's something you girls deride in public and yearn for in private.

 

Until we get them ourselves (metaforically at least). Balls is a state of mind. There's a lot of different ways guys can have "balls" without becoming a boring caricature of brooding "manliness."

 

And getting back to the OP, who is asking for help - ignore these flamers and tell me if the root cause of your lack of attraction for your bf is that he turned out too wussy. And I know there is little hint of that in the original post, call it a hunch rather than a projection.

 

Actually - that's what finally put the nails in the coffin on my marriage. The guy was just a wuss. Once you have to tell your husband to "man up," it's over.

[The Collector]

Umm...I respectful ask you take back the flaming comment. If you read further up, I responded to the OP's post sincerely.

 

Yes you did. And then you started flaming me.

 

Example of sh*t-test - woman demands apology for something minor or imagined to see if you are easily manipulated.

[niceguy27]

Am I glad I found this thread. My ex and I split about a month or so back and after some time apart we finally sat and talked about what happened. We had a very very similiar r/s (2yrs though) yours MaryMary. She was honest with me and told me she had started to see me as her best friend and not the friend/lover combo that was there before.

 

And that was it. Not fun to hear but brutally honest. I feel as you get older/wiser/mature that attraction is reinforced when you have a deep friendship established especially if you two share the same core values and outlooks on life (like us).

 

Maybe that is why there was a loss of attraction?? We're all gonna look pretty bad when we get to be in our 80's so all you have left is that emotional connection.