laRubiaBonita Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I have been dating a great guy for 7 months. I love him, he says he loves me. Things are Good for the most part. But we have issues with communication. i am partly to blame cause I am tight as a clam when it comes to feeling, emotions, things that bother me…. But he does the same thing… I think. I do not get him. He starts to talk about things, but then he pauses- and when I say pauses it is literally minutes, usually I forget what we were trying to talk about in the interim. Or he won’t say anything but just stare at me intently like he is about to talk, but never does… plus I get kinda sick sitting there, after 15 minutes- nothing accomplished or really discussed- I get bored. Last night, he says to me that “he has a hard time saying things” (like I did not know). I agree and say I do as well. So today I email him, ask how his day is all that, then ask if there was anything in particular he wanted to say…. And he emails me ‘Sometimes we say things, sometimes we do things, sometimes we just know...sometimes we don't...’ ??????? Then emails saying we need to talk about what we may not be saying or doing. This irritates me beyond belief. I know how this talk will go too, we will sit there for an hour and he will say all of 5 sentences….. Arg…
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Take this with a grain of salt as I'm probably off target.. But .. it sounds to me that he is hesitating about telling or talking about things that bother him about you or the relationship. He might get to a point in a sentence where he feels he will be criticizing you and he doesn't want to do that so he clams up. We all have things that bother us about the other person.. Most of us chose to just shut the eff up and move on.. that goes to the pick your battles theory. I think you just need to sit down with him and find out what is on his mind... It very well might be something very simple to you but complex to him therefore talking about it will correct the issue. By the way.. congrats on the 7 months.. the fact you said you love him and he loves you speaks volumes..
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 neither of us has said "i love you" like- said it said it though. he has kinda whispered it as have i, but we has typed it in emails and text. and that could be part of what is bothering him. but for me, it takes me a while to say it out loud with anyone- except family, but i still went through a phase with them. i dunno.... and it bugs me.
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 neither of us has said "i love you" like- said it said it though. then maybe that is what this is about.... Then emails saying we need to talk about what we may not be saying or doing. It is quite possible then that he is trying to get past that first I love you but can't.. If you think that is it then why not you be the first to say it ?
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 why do you think you have trouble opening up to people?
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 why do you think you have trouble opening up to people? so i do not get hurt. i know i have disordered thinking when it comes to anything but happy emotionally. i have been in therapy, and i am better at it now than i was. but i am afraid of the totally vulnerable and naked feeling. i like to keep myself in check, and i do not want to get too close- for fear of loss or rejection.... so i know how i work, and it takes me longer than 7 months to let down the series of walls i have. they do come down, but it takes time. also the fact that i have allowed myself to be in love before and i got lied to and cheated on- it does shadow things unfortunately for people after the acts. i have told him this stuff.
allina Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Maybe next time you're spending some one on one time with him just say something like "it seems like there is something you want to say or talk about, what is it?" Maybe he needs a little push to get to talking, I can be like that sometimes.
lonelybird Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Hi, I understand your situation. been there We think that if we don't open our heart, then we don't get hurt, but in fact, we get isolated. The more you become transperant, the more you will feel happy, and connect with other people. YES, quite contrary to our thinking Do you have an environment that you can talk anything without fear of rejection? If you close your heart a little bit, the person involves will close a little bit too. If you try to open your heart a little, the other will do so as well. Can you try to open yourself to him a little by little? if you don't renew the relationship, it probably will shrink so the key issue here is still how to overcome your fear, venture to expose yourself to him one step at a time.
buckdawg Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 so i do not get hurt. i know i have disordered thinking when it comes to anything but happy emotionally. i have been in therapy, and i am better at it now than i was. but i am afraid of the totally vulnerable and naked feeling. i like to keep myself in check, and i do not want to get too close- for fear of loss or rejection.... so i know how i work, and it takes me longer than 7 months to let down the series of walls i have. they do come down, but it takes time. also the fact that i have allowed myself to be in love before and i got lied to and cheated on- it does shadow things unfortunately for people after the acts. i have told him this stuff. "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." -- Mark Twain it's a cliche but it means so much. just gotta live! you know? another cliche: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 well, we were gonna talk friday evening... but once he came over he said he was fine, and things were fine and we were good. so finally after some proding, he told me he was just concerned that i did not know how strongly he felt about me.... awe- how sweet! so that was that. but then last night, he starts again, with his strange intense looks and you can see it all over his face that he needs to say about a million things. here is another thing about his style of "talking" (and it bugs me) he will start to say something, and only get s about 5 words in before he stops. then he is in this pause mode for about 1-2 minutes. i get trying to gather your words for a few seconds here and there, but it takes hours with him. then i end up forgeting what we were even taling about anyways. i have said something once before about how he seems to pause really long, and i get lost in conversation. so, we sit down to talk, and eventually he tells me that he thinks we speak totally different languages... then he said something about feeling like he was stranded, but, honestly, i do not even know what he meant by that- and then he clammed up. from what i could tell, the things he is feeling, are his feelings- and i do not even know what they pertain to- if anything... or if he just feels he wants to tell me these things so at least i will know.... because when we went to bed he said these are just things that are hard for me ... so i really have no clue? he seriously confuses the hell outta me we are still good, maybe even closer now than yesterday.....
cinnabon Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Do you sit there in silence during these pauses? I would try to prompt him to go on - maybe repeat back "so you are saying... blah, blah, blah?" to see if you are getting it, then encourage him "go on..." "tell me more...", etc. If you just sit there and stare at him he'll just get anxious and never get the words out.
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