Fallow9988 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Hey everyone, Recently my common-law boyfriends of 6 years lost a very close friend that he had not talked to since we started dating (they had their differances). He went home for the funeral and when he came back 4 days later he said he needed a break! He wanted me to move out because he needs to find himself, find the fun guy he use to be, the spontaneous guy who would just pick up and go on a road trip, going out and not worring about if he didn't come home having to answer to someone. I came right out and asked him if it was over and he wanted to see other people and he bluntly said NO I just need my space. I am worried sick and don't know what giving him his space means since we do live together, my plans are to just go places and do my own thing. Input please.
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 First off. Sadly there's nothing you can do about it really so you have to honor his wishes. Second. I know you love him but you deserve better. He seems a titch emotionally immature. Third. Look for the positive. Take this time to explore yourself. Chances are you probably got lost a little bit too after six years. Now's the time to do the things you really want to.
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 First off. Sadly there's nothing you can do about it really so you have to honor his wishes. Second. I know you love him but you deserve better. He seems a titch emotionally immature. Third. Look for the positive. Take this time to explore yourself. Chances are you probably got lost a little bit too after six years. Now's the time to do the things you really want to. Thanks BuckDawg, I am trying to honor his wishes. I know he has a lot of growing up to do even though he is 30. I am trying to think of it as positive but things seem to not work correctly. We have dogs together, a house, I can't live on my own and cant afford a place that will allow my pooches. I am hoping if distancing myself will make him realize what he has.
buckdawg Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Thanks BuckDawg, I am trying to honor his wishes. I know he has a lot of growing up to do even though he is 30. I am trying to think of it as positive but things seem to not work correctly. We have dogs together, a house, I can't live on my own and cant afford a place that will allow my pooches. I am hoping if distancing myself will make him realize what he has. ugh! that stuff is so tricky huh? and up until about 6 months ago i had the emotional capacity of a 12 year old and i'm 35 so it happens. i guess keep trying to do the best you can. have faith in yourself that you can make it work. all sorts of doors will open.
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Did he just drop it on you when he came back and then left? You deserve a chance to at least sit down and have an open dialogue with him. Especially after 6 years. Have a couple of those talks, give him some time to calm down (you too), and then sit again and see where you guys want to go. One thing I have learned from my experience is that you CANNOT rush decisions like this. Sit on it and sit on it for a while before you pull the trigger and discuss things.
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 Did he just drop it on you when he came back and then left? You deserve a chance to at least sit down and have an open dialogue with him. Especially after 6 years. Have a couple of those talks, give him some time to calm down (you too), and then sit again and see where you guys want to go. One thing I have learned from my experience is that you CANNOT rush decisions like this. Sit on it and sit on it for a while before you pull the trigger and discuss things. Well I noticed that he was really flirting alot with one of our girlfriends so I brought it up and he didn't want to talk about it, until the next day he was pretty sure I was gonna pull the plug and walk away, he said when he mentioned taking a break he thought I would have just nodded and did it. He stated it wasn't exciting for him to come home, he wants to make it so after a few days of not seeing each other it is a joy to see one another (which makes no sense cause he works away..anyways) I was actually really proud of us cause it was a really good casual talk about things we need to work on and then came the break comment. I think he is depressed over his friends death and realizes life is short and he needs to figure out what he wants in life. Just so you know too in the 6 years this is our first fight...we have had small ones but within a few hours all is cool. We haven't had to work at our relationship up until now, that is why I think before we take a break we need to try and work out somethings. Hope that makes sense
curiousnycgirl Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 So you two bought a house and dogs together and he wants YOU to move out? What is up with that? I don't disagree that clearly you need to give him his space, and I agree that you should do it the way you propose, by not being available, making your own plans, etc. However you need to think about how you get yourself out of the financial obligaiton of that house without losing your shirt! Frankly I think he is absurd expecting you to leave. Very selfish and thoughtless.
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 So after my weekend away to think over things. I came home to find no one home. I placed myself on the couch with both dogs and continued my Sunday routine of watching football. About 2 hrs later he strolls in and starts talking to me quietly about his weekend. We decide to go outside while he has a cigar (back to smoking) he gives me a kiss on the forehead and we walk out. After a bit he says he is suppose to go shopping in Edmonton (with this girl that I thought was OUR friend, the one he is spending more time with). So enough of this s*#& I wanna know what the hell is going on. We talked it over and I know he doesn't have alot of friends and she feeds off out his attention so they do things together. I have convinced myself that if he is gonna do something with her he will I can't stop it. Even though he has said 100% no, he said can't keep one woman happy how would it be different with anyone else. After our long talk we have narrowed it down to the passing of his best friend. He is lost right now and regreting things he didn't do with him (typical greaving process) I told him I love him and I am here for him. He replied I hope you are able to hang on thru this mess I am in, and all night kept saying "Babe I am so sorry I am messed up right now, I don't know if it will get better, might get worse before better.". We went to a movie together. I know something is hurting inside of him, I have to make the moves to kiss or hold hands and I can tell it is hard for him because he isn't that responsive. Even though he wants his space he is still getting hugs, kisses, and love from me damn it. Any input?
oppath Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I think you are being a great GF! He is going through a tough time, and you do have to be supportive without being a nag, even at the risk of being burned. Has he ever in his life gone to therapy? I think perhaps he should seek a counselor to help him with his grief. He may not like the suggestion -- I don't know him -- which is why I ask if he's ever gone before, because then he wouldn't feel a stigma for it and might be willing. Or if you know anyone who has ever done it in response to a grief situation, you can say "my friend X had a similar situation when her friend Y died; she went to a therapist and it really helped her grieve. Have you considered that at all?"
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I think you are being a great GF! He is going through a tough time, and you do have to be supportive without being a nag, even at the risk of being burned. Has he ever in his life gone to therapy? I think perhaps he should seek a counselor to help him with his grief. He may not like the suggestion -- I don't know him -- which is why I ask if he's ever gone before, because then he wouldn't feel a stigma for it and might be willing. Or if you know anyone who has ever done it in response to a grief situation, you can say "my friend X had a similar situation when her friend Y died; she went to a therapist and it really helped her grieve. Have you considered that at all?" Thanks Oppath, I know if it is tough on me it is even more so on him. Yes he has went when he was very young. I suggested it to him twice since this issue came up because he needs to get other issues from his past out too, but typical man he thinks it is for wimps. I am still going to continue to suggest it to him. He called me at work this morning and said he was going to Edmonton with this girl and I told him to have fun and see him later. He said you know I only hang out with this girl cause she is so happy all the time and it make me forget. Then he followed with you know you are the best I love you. (Made me feel happy to hear that)
oppath Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Just make sure his friendship with this girl is transparent to you. This means you know where he goes and that the timeline fits. You know this girl, right? Have you met her and made her acquaintance? I'm not suggesting he is doing anything except grieving. But this situation is hard on you too. It's important you get your needs met too. Be supportive and give him some space, but make sure you still get your needs met and keep your eyes open. Love him with your eyes open. I'm not suggesting cheating or inappropriate behavior. I'm simply suggesting make sure you get your needs met, and that he's not neglecting you while turning to others to help him grieve. That wouldn't be fair to you.
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Just make sure his friendship with this girl is transparent to you. This means you know where he goes and that the timeline fits. You know this girl, right? Have you met her and made her acquaintance? I'm not suggesting he is doing anything except grieving. But this situation is hard on you too. It's important you get your needs met too. Be supportive and give him some space, but make sure you still get your needs met and keep your eyes open. Love him with your eyes open. I'm not suggesting cheating or inappropriate behavior. I'm simply suggesting make sure you get your needs met, and that he's not neglecting you while turning to others to help him grieve. That wouldn't be fair to you. Yes I have met her, she works with him and she is foreign so she has spent tons of time with both of us up until this happening. Today is the only time he has spent with her alone, normally it is in a group of friends. And he told me because she is This is why I enforce me getting my kisses before bed and when we leave each other cause when it comes down to it I am still your girlfriend and you have to show me some affection. I am trying to work through the jealous streak right now, but I am definatly keeping tabs..plus he is being respectful and telling me he is going with her not just with someone.
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Here is hoping for her swift transfer to another country!
Author Fallow9988 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 So last night was going great at home we were laughing, went and got a movie. He said he had a migraine coming on so I asked him if he wanted a neck rub (thinking it would bring us closer). Supper was ready and we went to dish up. He turned to me and said again, "I am sorry I am so messed up, I am so scared you are going to hate me if this doesn't work out. I hate to see you cry." I told him that we love him and we are here for him. Then as we dished up food he says in a round about way, that he doesn't want me trying to kiss him, hold his hand etc. What the hell is that suppose to mean.
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