overanalytical Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 my fiance hangs with 2 single guys...who dont' have to answer to anyone, can do whatever they want, etc. it's getting to the point i feel like my fiance thinks he is, wants to go out all the time with them but loves me and wants me and him but loves going out with them. strip clubs are off limits for him now, my previous post where me nad him went and got in a fight over it, but i'm afraid one night that they do go out to our fav bar (while i'm sleeping because of my job) and get buzzing and the idea of strip club comes out and 2 single guys jump on it...what's my guy to do? lok like he's whipped or piss me off...and i think he would call and see if it was okay and then get mad if i said no and cause a huge fight. i don't even know what i'm getting at. i just wish there was a way i could pull him back in to see he's not single, he doesn't have to act like they do, i guess i'm scared he will go and a stripper will talk him into taking her to a back room and he'll do it because he has to be mr big man in front of the other guys...and that will just kill me. i have a thing about strip clubs. wtf am i talking about. i guess how do i let him know that he needs to definitely respect the no strip club rule without soundling like i'm totally controlling him. and if he goes? what do i do? im over analyzing last night so i think it's going to happen....who knows, it could never even happen...ugh
peace_pipe Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Keep nagging him about it then you won't have to worry anymore, because you'll be single. Not saying it's wrong or right. Everything is in how you perceive it. If you can't trust your man around a stripper then why are you with him? What could possibly be so great about someone whom you have no trust with? Maybe you are evaluating the wrong thing! If it were me, I would be caught between respecting you (by not going) and doing what I wanted to do (not being controlled). So what that means to me is that I would go to the club and respect you by not cheating.
Krytie TV Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Putting your foot down 101: 1) tell him he can't go to strip clubs. This attempt at controlling men's behavior is almost always accepted with open arms as men love to be told how to live their lives 2) if he stops, there is no problem. If he doesn't stop, move to 3. 3) Leave him. Otherwise you have just delivered an ultimatum and backed down and he may be inclined to have... dare I say... free will in the future. We can't have that now can we? There is another and seemingly more popular option to be pursued. Stay with him and just resort to completely ineffectual nagging until he either stops from being tired of hearing about it or he leaves you.
Krytie TV Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Sorry OP, I'm in a rare mood today. It's Friday morning and I have so many fun things ahead. But really, there is truth hidden beneath my above sarcasm.
nicki Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Really, I don't think men in relationships should be in strip clubs. What does it say about a guy who likes to do that kind of thing on a regular basis? Now, if it's a bachelor party deal, then that's fine. Being with the guys in that context is fine once in a great while. BUT, trust is important. No lap dances. Basically, nothing you wouldn't do with any other female while you are in a relationship. If that's controlling, then too bad. I view it as what is acceptable behavior for a guy in a relationship. I don't go to bars and bump and grind against guys. Nor do I let a half naked guy who dances in a club touch me in any way. It's called respect. There is a middle ground here. Most guys outgrow this kind of behavior anyway. If they don't, then they are usually lecherous old men. Eeeew!
nicki Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 But I do think you have a bigger issue here. Are you worried about his judgment when he is with his friends? Do you think he would really cheat on you with a stripper to show them "he's a man?" As much as I wouldn't like my guy to be in a strip club, I wouldn't worry about him cheating with the stripper. So, I'm thinking you are worried about your boyfriend's impulse control and his ability to be faithful. Please sit down and talk to him about these issues. It doesn't mean your guy should go to a strip club. I don't think he should go either, but you need to get into the deeper issues of WHY it bothers you.
kypepeo Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 It's a tricky one. My BF and I have a pretty cool relationship and the other night we decided to go to a strip club. I offered to buy him a dance but he wouldn't go for it. I was really insecure when we first hooked up coz I had been told he was a player and I was always uneasy when he went out without me. That took it's toll and almost broke us up. Bottom line is, I had to decide whether I trusted him or not. I could either believe that he would love and respect me enough to act right when I was not there or believe that he would cheat on me (or do something I disapprove of) any chance he got. If I believed the later then this relationship wasn't going anywhere. If I believed the former than I had to trust him and that's what I did. The other night he went over to his friend's house and it was crazy with the women. The minute he say that he called up his other friend and went out to the club instead coz he knew I would be upset if I found out he was there with all that madness going on. You have to let go and trust him. Believe that he'll do right by you or let him go.
Author overanalytical Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 thanks yall. helped me out a lot. i need to let go of the thought of him getting a dance, honestly that's waht it boils down to. i don't want another girl touching him. and when alcohol is involved it makes you somewhat believe them, get their ego boosted
nittygritty Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Your fiance doesn't have a problem going to strip clubs. You have a problem with your fiance going to strip clubs. If you have already told him how you feel about him going to strip clubs and he still keeps going (because he wants to) then its up to you to decide if you want to marry (or date) a man that enjoys going to strip clubs. It obviously bothers you a great deal. Figuring out if its a deal breaker for you is the decision your faced with. If it doesn't bother you enough to end your relationship with him then your going to have to accept that he likes going to strip clubs. You could even go with him to see what the fuss is about. If it bothers you enough to end your relationship with him then tell him that this issue "bothers you enough to end your relationship with him". Be prepared to actually end the relationship. I'm suggesting honesty not manipulation or empty threats. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. I think its a serious issue that your going to have to make a decision about for yourself. Good Luck and Take Care
allina Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Sorry to say OP but you sound overly controlling and paranoid. I don't think that you should tell your SO that certain places are "off limits" or "against the rules" he isn't your puppy or your child. Clearly he is aware of how you feel about strip clubs, if looking cool in front of his friends and going is more important to him than you maybe you two aren't compatible. I don't think serious rules should be set by one side or another in a relationship, that's not how happy relationships work. There should be a commonly agreed upon respect and understanding.
Krytie TV Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Sorry to say OP but you sound overly controlling and paranoid. I don't think that you should tell your SO that certain places are "off limits" or "against the rules" he isn't your puppy or your child. Clearly he is aware of how you feel about strip clubs, if looking cool in front of his friends and going is more important to him than you maybe you two aren't compatible. I don't think serious rules should be set by one side or another in a relationship, that's not how happy relationships work. There should be a commonly agreed upon respect and understanding. Thank you for being a female voice of reason.
Author overanalytical Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 is it fair to say that the strip club and looking cool are more important to him than me?? i don't know if it is a deal breaker or not. i don't know. that scares me that i even question it. i know what kind of man he is, but i know what kind of women those are and there is my problem. they say what the man wants to hear, mix alcohol in t here, things seem so good but in actuality they're not. but this girl has you wrapped around her finger so much that you start emptying your pockets. i think what it boils down to is i don't want another woman touching my man. i don't want to even think about what she could be saying. i've been to the strip club. i've heard. i see. i just can't get it into my head that these girls are nothing. they dont' care about my man...they're just trying to get paid. why can't i remember that??!!
peace_pipe Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 they dont' care about my man...they're just trying to get paid. why can't i remember that??!! I felt compelled to comment on this. While this may be the case most of the time, I have had more than one stripper try to "take me home", etc. I have often found them to be the clingy/relationship seeking type. They have a tough exterior but underneath they are often crying out for attention. All that's not for me, but that's been my experience with strippers.
Saxis Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I felt compelled to comment on this. While this may be the case most of the time, I have had more than one stripper try to "take me home", etc. I have often found them to be the clingy/relationship seeking type. They have a tough exterior but underneath they are often crying out for attention. All that's not for me, but that's been my experience with strippers. That's interesting... Do you think they are so used to all the male attention at work, that they can't stand not getting it at home, too? Seems like they'd be so sick of being objectified, that they'd be almost bitter off-duty. What do I know, I'm not a stripper... As far as your man going to strip clubs - I think you should agree together on some ground rules (no touching, or whatever), and then trust that he will follow them.
allina Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 is it fair to say that the strip club and looking cool are more important to him than me?? i don't know if it is a deal breaker or not. i don't know. that scares me that i even question it. i know what kind of man he is, but i know what kind of women those are and there is my problem. they say what the man wants to hear, mix alcohol in t here, things seem so good but in actuality they're not. but this girl has you wrapped around her finger so much that you start emptying your pockets. i think what it boils down to is i don't want another woman touching my man. i don't want to even think about what she could be saying. i've been to the strip club. i've heard. i see. i just can't get it into my head that these girls are nothing. they dont' care about my man...they're just trying to get paid. why can't i remember that??!! I feel like you're missing the point, or at least to me you are. Why is it so important to him to go to strip clubs? You're clearly super against it, you guys have even fought over it before. What I'm having a hard time understanding is why is a strip club worth fighting with and hurting the woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with. Me me this is more of an issue than some stripper touching him. I wouldn't mind if my bf wanted to go to a strip club but if he thought that I was uncomfortable with it he would never do it. I think you're wrong for trying to set rules for your man, but he's equally wrong for making you feel like you have to. I'm just having a difficult time understanding how you guys communicate and how this relationship works.
nittygritty Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I agree with Allina. Your fiance is an adult and you are his partner. You should not be setting up rules as if he is a child. He should respect your feelings and you his. You might be able to get the result your wanting by using a different approach. Most people would resent being told by their SO what they can and can't do if it was presented in the way that you described. Perhaps he continues to go to strip clubs to show you that your not going to control him, just like a defiant child would show a controlling parent. Tell him that it hurts you and that your worried about the strippers touching him. That your worried that something may happen if he is drunk and aroused by a stripper. Talk with him about all your concerns and worries about it. Find out his feelings about it and work through the issues and problems together.
Replicant Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Maybe it's time to get out the ol' daisy dukes and give him a show at home! Who knows!? A little spicing up of the current status quo could drastically shift things in your favor regarding clubs and his for a little 'wow' factor at home.
DarlingDoll Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 " i guess i'm scared he will go and a stripper will talk him into taking her to a back room and he'll do it because he has to be mr big man in front of the other guys...and that will just kill me. i have a thing about strip clubs" Uh, you allowed him to go in the FIRST PLACE.. you actually went with him and now you will pull the rug from underneath? I'm sorry but if he's hanging out with single guys and strip clubs are their thing, it's predictable that he will just start lying to you because you are uptight and a little jealous/crazy.
DarlingDoll Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 i don't know if it is a deal breaker or not. i don't know. that scares me that i even question it. i know what kind of man he is, but i know what kind of women those are and there is my problem. they say what the man wants to hear, mix alcohol in t here, things seem so good but in actuality they're not. but this girl has you wrapped around her finger so much that you start emptying your pockets. Well it actually all boils down to the fact that NOBODY can MAKE your fiance cheat except HIMSELF.. so you DO NOT TRUST HIM around enticing women! What about if a woman comes onto him in a bar and touches him? So he gets a boner around other attractive women.. don't all men? But it comes down to whether you trust him or not in situations that YOU cannot control or monitor 24/7. If not, maybe it's time to either resolve this WITHIN yourself or get out!
rainfall Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 "? I'm sorry but if he's hanging out with single guys and strip clubs are their thing, it's predictable that he will just start lying to you because you are uptight and a little jealous/crazy. I don't think she is jealous and crazy because she doesn't want her man to go to strip clubs. She just views certain behaviors as unaccetpable in a relationship and I really don't see how you can say that makes her crazy.
bluepoppy Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I'm going to sound like a bitch for saying this - but get a job at a strip-club. At least fill out a form, go for an interview - behind the bar, on the door, at the coat-check. I'm not suggesting you strip (unless you want to of course) Tell you're saying extra cash for the wedding, so you want an extra part-time job for a short time. He won't want you there. Then you can ask him why he'd want to be in a place he wouldn't want you. Put the problem on his foot, and he'll find the answer. I actually think strip clubs when your in a committed relationship lacks respect - but I'm a bit old fashioned that way.
marley_86 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I hate when girls get like this. Its a strip club these girls are paid to dance, not go backstage with some guy and do them. My friend had a problem with this, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with him if you can't trust him. I don't think his friends want him to intentionally to hurt you. And you are concerned about something that may or may not happen. What if, what if.
Author overanalytical Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 thanks for all the input. i've put thigns into perspective. i hope that the situation never arises again that he wants to go, BUT if it does i think as long as he doesn't get any dances or goes backstage or anything then i'll be okay with it. i need to attack my jealousy/insecuritie issues i have in myself and maybe this is a step for me. nto exactly what i was hoping for but maybe that's what i need to do. step up and trust him...i am marrying him, trust has to be there. and i do but i get insecure about myself. is saying okay to him that it's okay if he goes but no dances or anything like that besides looking and hanging uot with your friends, is that a good approach??? i don't want to put 'rules' on things but i guess essentially i am...maybe that's just compromise. what do you think?
DarlingDoll Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I don't think she is jealous and crazy because she doesn't want her man to go to strip clubs. She just views certain behaviors as unaccetpable in a relationship and I really don't see how you can say that makes her crazy. Sorry.. let me rephrase that.. her PARANOIA sounds a little CUCKOO! If this is how she felt, she should have NEVER condoned or encouraged them going in the first place! I mean, she couldn't even take it when she was there with her boyfriend and he was playing pool in FRONT of her? How is she ever going to handle him going out ANYWHERE alone when she is not in his presense? I think there needs to be more trust... at least until it is proved otherwise.
Author overanalytical Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 you're right darlingdoll, there needs to be trust (i do trust but i have issues with it that i'm definitely working on, that's why i'm here)...at least until it is proved otherwise. (and i've had no reason to even have trust issues with him in the 3 years we've been together)
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