miracgirl Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 How long have you dated a guy before you brought up the topic of marriage? I'm specifically asking about a situation where YOU had to bring up the topic. How long did you stay with him before the relationship eventually ended because of his commitment issues I'd especially like to hear from women in their late 30's. thanks
Mz. Pixie Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm in my late 30's. There is no such thing as a committment phobe. Basically, if a man is unwilling to commit, he's not that into you. Really. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. Men will go to the ends of the earth to commit to someone they feel is the one. Otherwise, they may like you- they may treat you well- and they have sex with you- but if he's not ready to settle down then he's just not that into you. Why do I say that? Because if a man really wants a woman he's going to commit to her- because he doesn't want to lose her. Doesn't want her to get away!!!
peace_pipe Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm in my late 30's. There is no such thing as a committment phobe. Basically, if a man is unwilling to commit, he's not that into you. Really. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. Men will go to the ends of the earth to commit to someone they feel is the one. Otherwise, they may like you- they may treat you well- and they have sex with you- but if he's not ready to settle down then he's just not that into you. Why do I say that? Because if a man really wants a woman he's going to commit to her- because he doesn't want to lose her. Doesn't want her to get away!!! I have to disagree. You are right in some cases, but not all. I, for one, could find the love of my life and be perfectly content sharing life together without marriage.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 I'm sorry perhaps I should have clarified further. I wasn't exactly speaking of marriage but of committment period.
melodymatters Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Well, but the OP is talking about marriage which is an important issue to many people. I have not found many committment phobes, but my last bf WAS a marriage-phobe. He had gone through a bad divorce and his family ( brothers) were all anti marriage too. We didn't break up over that issue. BUT, when he wanted me back he did propose ! ( and I refused) sorry if this isn't super helpful, if you give more details we can add more.
ItIs Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 melodymatters stole the words right from my typing finger. Most "commitment phobes" are actually lack of commitment phobes, at when it comes to marriage. The easy, no-fault divorces (where I come from at least) have guaranteed that.
Kerewin Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well, I think it's more if a guy meets the right girl AND it's the right time---if the time is wrong, no girl is the "right one", he just won't see her if she's right in front of his face. If it's the right time for him, AND the right girl, he'll commit. But to answer your question specifically--my ex brought up marriage first, and I wish I'd listened to my instincts and said no. We were just two good people who had NO business being married to each other--once the honeymoon period was over, it was obvious that we had TOO much in common (we fed each others bad traits and habits as much as the good ones).
jcster Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Men will go to the ends of the earth to commit to someone they feel is the one. Otherwise, they may like you- they may treat you well- and they have sex with you- but if he's not ready to settle down then he's just not that into you. Sadly, I think that this is true. I've been with a few men that I considered "commitment-phobes," only to see them eagerly commit to some other woman down the line. I've also known a few guys that were terrified of commitment who chose marriage rather than lose the woman they loved. If the bond isn't strong enough to overcome the fear of the unknown, then there's nothing you can do.
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 How long have you dated a guy before you brought up the topic of marriage? I'm specifically asking about a situation where YOU had to bring up the topic. Never have....never would either. Call me fruity (ok...don't) but I'm never the more eager one. I hold my cards pretty close I'm told. It has to come from them or I don't want it. How long did you stay with him before the relationship eventually ended because of his commitment issues I'd especially like to hear from women in their late 30's. I've been with plenty of commitment-phobic types. I DO believe there are commitment phobes and I don't think it has to do with the person that they're dating. For example, there's the narcissist to whom you are only an ego supply to. There are the types with emotional walls up --sometimes due to a divorce or previous relationship. Those are but a few. On the OTHER hand, there are those who some label as commitment phobic when they just aren't that interested in them. For instance, the guy is dating the girl because she's fun and he gets sex but other than that, he doesn't really care. He's dating her out of convenience. He has no long term plans for her and many don't tell the woman that because then she'd leave. So to the woman in this scenario, he seems commitment-phobic because she can't get him to progress further in the relationship. Then they break up and he meets someone and commits. He was not a TRUE commitmentphobe. However, there ARE true commitmentphobes as I noted above. Now here's an interesting side piece to this...if you notice that you keep ending up with commitmentphobic partners....it could be that you're commitmentphobic too.....
amber1 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Sadly, I think that this is true. I've been with a few men that I considered "commitment-phobes," only to see them eagerly commit to some other woman down the line. ^^I've found this to be true. Oh and bringing up the issue of marriage to a guy? I don't.
jophil28 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm in my late 30's. There is no such thing as a committment phobe. Basically, if a man is unwilling to commit, he's not that into you. Really. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. Why do I say that? Because if a man really wants a woman he's going to commit to her- because he doesn't want to lose her. Doesn't want her to get away!!! THis is GOLDEN ladies - this sums up exactly how men think . I know that you think that YOU know better but you do not. The term " commitment phobic" is a classical female shaming tactic .. If he really wants you he will move mountains to sign you up. IF he is only warm about you OR he has falling I L ,then he will NEVER commit. That is the way it is in manland.
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 THis is GOLDEN ladies - this sums up exactly how men think . I know that you think that YOU know better but you do not. The term " commitment phobic" is a classical female shaming tactic .. If he really wants you he will move mountains to sign you up. IF he is only warm about you OR he has falling I L ,then he will NEVER commit. That is the way it is in manland. So then the types I listed don't exist? I know ones who DO exist and they do the same thing with all women. The reasoning you're using tells women that it's THEM (the woman) and not a problem within the man. Sometimes it very much IS a problem within the man and many psychologists can testify to this fact. I'm not trying to prove anything to myself. I have no commitment phobe that I want to "get" to commit to me. What bothers me is how often that women put the "blame" upon themselves as if they just didn't quite meet a man's qualifications. It's true....healthy men will move mountains. (Actually unhealthy men will too....I recently had someone obsessed with me.) But there are unhealthy men who won't move mountains because these are damaged men. I dated a man a few years ago who was divorced and bitter about it. I liked it casual for awhile. Then I started to want more but he didn't. Eventually things ended because of that. I thought it was me. I found out later on that I had been his ONLY relationship (if you could call it that) since his divorce....and his divorce had been 7 years prior. He had gone out with a woman one or two dates tops during those seven years. It's now been 10 years since his divorce and he has still not had a relationship. (we keep in touch) I truly don't think that he ever will. He's not the type to want to deal with things so chances are, he's never going to resolve the problems he faces in his mind. Do I feel like it was me? No...not anymore I don't. In fact, I found out that I'd been his only relationship so actually I felt the opposite...I lasted far more than anyone else. There are men who are damaged as I mentioned in a previous post. Women shouldn't be assuming it's themselves all the time. It's not.
Author miracgirl Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 ^^I've found this to be true. Oh and bringing up the issue of marriage to a guy? I don't. are you saying that you don't ever ask where the relationship is going? and if you do, doesn't marriage come up? i really should rephrase my question. Everyone is focusing on the "commitment phobe" issue, and that is my fault for phrasing it that way. Forgetting his "commitment" issues that he may or may not have, 1. at what point in your relationhip do you bring up where the relationship is going? 2. what do you think is the longest amount of time you'd date a guy before you left him if he hasn't proposed?
jophil28 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 So then the types I listed don't exist? I know ones who DO exist and they do the same thing with all women. quote] If the "types' that you listed do exist them they should be deemed unsuitable candidates for YOU to commit to , therefore we can eliminate them from our calculations. Lets talk about the rest. In regard to the allegation of commitment phobic men - Men are slower and perhaps more RELUCTANT to commit to a marriage and and LTR . However IF a man finds a great woman and then falls deeply in love with her and she passes his tests , he starts to think 'LTR' . If over time he evaluautes her highly, she acts well and treats him with loyalty ,love , and the relationship with primacy then he WILL commit. That is how we do it ladies.
amber1 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 are you saying that you don't ever ask where the relationship is going? and if you do, doesn't marriage come up? I have asked before but haven't received a good response. Marriage has never come up when I have asked where the relationship is going. I'm not saying I wouldn't ask where the relationship is going again because sometimes it needs to be brought up, BUT I still wouldn't bring up marriage.
jcster Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 That is the way it is in manland. ...so, is the appropriate sound effect after this statement the lead-in from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly," or just a simple "whip-crack." God, I can just smell the rawhide! raowrrrr!
jophil28 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 ...so, is the appropriate sound effect after this statement the lead-in from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly," or just a simple "whip-crack." God, I can just smell the rawhide! raowrrrr! Mighty funny reply, ma'am.
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 That is how we do it ladies. So you speak for all men then?
Woggle Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Men are not afraid of commitment but we are realistic about it. Women are actually much bigger commitmentphobes than men. Can you assure him that if he does commit to you that 7 years down the road you won't give him the I love you but I am not in love with you speech when things are less 100% perfect 100% of the time? Can you assure him that you won't have an affair with a coworker because you feel you have lost yourself and you need to feel alive again? Can you assure him that you won't turn into a nag that puts him down and resents the very sight of him? If you can't answer these questions for sure this is why many men are commitmentphobes. Marriage today has a 50% divorce rate and 75% of divorces are filed by women so men are taking a huge gamble when they marry. You factor in family court bias and it seems it is safer to just go down to Atlantic City and bet half of what you own. Women may love commitment as an abstract concept but trends show that men are much better at putting it into practice.
uniqueone Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 If you can't answer these questions for sure this is why many men are commitmentphobes. Marriage today has a 50% divorce rate and 75% of divorces are filed by women so men are taking a huge gamble when they marry. You factor in family court bias and it seems it is safer to just go down to Atlantic City and bet half of what you own. Women may love commitment as an abstract concept but trends show that men are much better at putting it into practice. I don't know about that. The men may stay married because of finances or kids. And instead, they'll opt for having affairs. And most women don't file for divorce without reason. Most of the time, they've tried to make the marriage work for years without the husbands cooperation.
Timberlane Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 ...so, is the appropriate sound effect after this statement the lead-in from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly," or just a simple "whip-crack." God, I can just smell the rawhide! raowrrrr! And the capitol of Manland® is Menver® As far as my own commitment record goes, I proposed to my ex-wife and she is the one that left. She was very homesick for her family and country, so that was a big factor. In retrospect she comments that leaving was a mistake from time to time, but not in general. But then I recently met a wonderful woman who very obviously is nuts about this guy, willing to change jobs and move overseas to be with him, letting her teen kids fend for themselves essentially. But the guy isn't having it and things are winding down. I see her as someone with a huge capacity to commit, love, etc. It's really an individual thing and not relegated to either sex from what I have seen.
melodymatters Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Well, it seems there are 2 questions. First, I would have no problem asking where he saw this relationship going. ( and then really LISTEN, don't re-write it to something you want to hear) As far as marriage, I have found peoples ideas on marriage just come up in spontaneous conversation. I have never had to ask " so, do you belive in marriage ?" because they usually volunteer something like " If I get married again, blah, blah " " or marriage is for suckers, I don't belive in it" It CAN break people up, placing different values on marriage. If I was late thirties and wanted to get married, especially if i wanted kids, I would NOT stay with a person who could never give me that.
birdie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I have problems with posts where 'men are supposed to be that' or 'women are supposed to be this'. I think it is rather dated and unhelpful to think in such gender specific terms. the truth is that there are a huge number of people that screw relationships up because they don't know what they want, especially when they are younger and immature, even if they love someone very much. to reply to the original question: this is just as restricting as any gender-specific thing about commitment-phobes. how can you possibly put a time-frame on it? it depends on people and their temperament, their age and their life-experiences. if you feel your relationship is not progressing, it is your prerogative to talk to your partner about it when it feels right. there isn't a more specific answer that suits all situations in my opinion.
jophil28 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 So you speak for all men then? I can speak for all men who are still MEN and not the emotional servants of women.
jophil28 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I don't know about that. The men may stay married because of finances or kids. And instead, they'll opt for having affairs. Why do you think that YOU know why men stay married. THis statement above is a perfect example of how little women know about men, and how much you need to listen and learn .. Man stay married because MEN want to honor their vows and commitments .
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