Sex and the EX- Again!

[Newtotheblogthing]

Ok, so we have been discussing sex with the ex. What is THEIR motivation. Making sure we are still around? Demeaning us? Inability to let go? Control? Particularly when they have someone new. I don't get it. The benefit of the familiarity with the ability to do whatever they want?

 

My ex who I swear is committed when he is in a relationship (at least he has been in the past) has a new girlfriend but we slept together a few times since they have been "together". He still wants me to send him pictures etc..Flirts with me when I am not in NC or in seriously wounded mode.. And for the record I am not doing anything with him now.

 

I know I shouldn't care but I can't help but wonder what's in it for them other than the physical act and the headache of us freaking out on them..

[Sanslatete]

Got this in an e-mail recently, hope it helps?

 

 

 

The biggest mistake people make when they think they're

being cheated on is allowing themselves to be manipulated.

 

This is where you start to think that you're being cheated

on, but your "better half" convinces you that you're not.

 

That's called manipulation.

 

And what you need to know is that men and women manipulate

differently.

 

As a rule, women manipulate men physically.

 

They do this by using their bodies (think SEX here).

 

A woman can pretty much get a man to think or do whatever

they want by offering sex, or at least physical contact.

 

For example, if you're a man and your woman starts to think

that you're "catching on" to what she's doing behind your

back, she'll offer herself physically as a method of

changing your mind.

 

Maybe she'll have sex with you. Maybe she will just let

you put your arm around her. Maybe she'll just let you

touch her while she's sitting next to you on the couch

watching TV.

 

In any event, she'll offer you some sort of physical

interaction that will make you think "gee, maybe she isn't

cheating on me".

 

If you're a man, remember this....women control almost all

physical encounters.

 

After all, if a woman says "NO", it's rape.

 

Now on the other side of the coin, men will manipulate by

EMOTION.

 

A man can get a woman to think or do whatever he wants by

pretty much just saying what she wants to hear (or doing

some little romantic trick like sending flowers).

 

A man can sweep a woman off her feet with just words.

 

A simple "I love you" or "you're everything I've ever

wanted and more" can emotionally melt most women (if said

at just the right time).

 

So these are the things you need to watch out for.

 

If you think your lover is cheating on you, and then all of

a sudden they do something "to make everything alright",

you my friend have just been manipulated.

 

I know of men (who's wives or girlfriends were cheating

on them) who dismissed the idea they were being cheated on

and even bought expensive jewelery for their woman just

because the woman "gave them some".

 

I know of women (who's husbands or boyfriends were cheating

on them) who dropped the whole notion of infidelity just

because of receiving flowers or getting a loving message

left on their voice mail.

 

You need to be completely aware of manipulation like this

in your relationship.

 

If you've been emotionally abused or physically neglected

for a time, and then all of a sudden something changes that

makes you happy and relieved, odds are you're being

manipulated to throw you off the trail.

 

And by the way, manipulation is the first trick your lover

will use to attempt to "get you off" that trail. Please

be very aware of this point!

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thank you for that. Am I completely missing the point though in this situation? It's just to manipulate me into staying in contact? I am not with him and he is cheating on his NEW girlfriend.

 

I know i am trying to manipulate him and make him want me.. but other than some dirty photos and PAST sex. What's in it for him? Control? Distract me from the new girlfriend. I feel like an idiot for not getting it..

[Newtotheblogthing]

Oh and I never thought for a second in our relationship that he cheated on me. We were both faithful. That's why I am not understanding why he doing this. Does he want me to believe he is more committed to this girl than he is so that he can have his fun with me and the security that he was honest about his new girlfriend therefore crushing any hope for a reconciliation? Or he's turned into a prick.

[oppath]

Hey enjoys spending time with you, in his reality, he does care about you, and it is difficult for him to fully separate with someone he was once close to. That is why they flirt and suggest sex. They keep suggesting it if you empower them. You allow them to abuse you. I doubt the users in this situation think "I'm going to hurt her/him by continuing to **** him while I go out with other people" even though that is what they are doing.

 

Don't let it happen to you. I know with my ex: she was horny and wanted to **** and I was good, familiar sex. That was all there was to it. I'm sure in her mind she wasn't thinking "maybe I can use him until someone better comes along because the sex is good." Most likely it was "I like hanging out with him and the sex was incredible. I do miss him though I don't want to be with him. I'll give him a booty call."

[mental_traveller]

What's in it for them is free sex/romance. Isn't that obvious?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

what you have just described though, could also be someone stepping up to the plate and trying to make things work better, because there were doubts before. good god.

 

i hate these crappy blanket statements.

[oppath]

I agree, if a person has not been cheating, they are going to behave exactly how that email forward suggests in order to make their partner feel better and to dispel doubts.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I agree, if a person has not been cheating, they are going to behave exactly how that email forward suggests in order to make their partner feel better and to dispel doubts.

 

you agree with me?

[oppath]

That's what I said. I agree. If I've been accussed of cheating, and I think to myself "have I done anything to make her feel insecure or like she wasn't a priority" and the answer is "yes," I'm going to be very affectionate with her to reassure her about our relationship.

 

According to what Sanslatete wrote, that would be lying and manipulation. If you suspect someone is cheating, and you tell them your suspicions, a cheater will either come clean or lie to perpetuate it. But an innocent person will act nice and affectionate (as a man) or sexual (as a woman) in order to reassure the other person how much they love them and to apologize for not meeting their needs or for behaving in ways that eroded trust.

[Sanslatete]

In addition -

 

The 2nd biggest mistake people make when they

think they're being cheated on.

 

You absolutely must distance yourself from your relationship

-- examine the facts -- and add everything up from there.

 

This is also known as becoming emotionally detached.

 

Let me put it to you this way.

 

Think back to one of the happiest periods in your life --

a time where a lot of things seemed to be going right.

 

Now, if during that time one of your friends had come to you

to "lean on your shoulder" about some relationship problems

they were having (and as it turns out their problems are

identical to what you're now going through), what would your

thoughts have been?

 

Not what are your thoughts right now, but what would your

thoughts have been about this during that happy period in

your life?

 

You probably would have a different opinion about your

relationship back then you do now.

 

You see, right now you don't have any clarity, any

objectivity.

 

But you need to get it right now -- and bad.

 

Try to look at your relationship as if it were someone

else's. It's not easy to do, but everyone has the ability

to do it (including you).

 

Do it, and you'll probably be surprised at the insights you

come up with.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

That's what I said. I agree. If I've been accussed of cheating, and I think to myself "have I done anything to make her feel insecure or like she wasn't a priority" and the answer is "yes," I'm going to be very affectionate with her to reassure her about our relationship.

 

According to what Sanslatete wrote, that would be lying and manipulation. If you suspect someone is cheating, and you tell them your suspicions, a cheater will either come clean or lie to perpetuate it. But an innocent person will act nice and affectionate (as a man) or sexual (as a woman) in order to reassure the other person how much they love them and to apologize for not meeting their needs or for behaving in ways that eroded trust.

 

i was just making it was me that you were agreeing with, since you didn't quote anybody. but i love you for this post anyway.

[Sanslatete]

And finally -

 

Let's start out by talking about the laws of nature.

 

When it rains you get wet. Big animals eat small animals.

If you don't drink water you will die.

People cheat on each other.

 

Did you catch the last one?

 

Human beings are not monogamous by nature. We don't mate

exclusively for life with the first partner we choose.

 

We have many mates throughout our lifetime.

 

And we don't just have sex to reproduce.

 

Some animals do. Human beings do not.

 

But when it comes to infidelity, people think that the laws

of nature do not apply to them.

 

They think that no one would ever cheat on them because

they're too good in bed, too good looking, too wealthy,

too good at this, too good at that and so on and so on.

 

"He would never do that to me, he loves me"

 

"She would never do that, she has it too good"

 

The #1 biggest, most notorious reason why affairs go

undetected is because people refuse to believe that it can

happen to them.

 

Well let me tell you right now that the laws of nature

apply to everyone -- including you.

 

I don't care who you are - a celebrity - a bum - a mother -

a father - a nobody.

 

Anyone, and I mean anyone, can cheat on you.

 

If you don't accept this fact, you will miss every little

thing your lover does that screams "I'm cheating on you".

 

Let me tell you a little story...

 

An old friend came to my door one day to cry on my shoulder

about the troubles he was having with his wife.

 

She was doing all of these strange things, he saw her

hugging another man in a parking lot, she wouldn't sleep

in the same bed with him and so on.

 

I mean any 6 year old could have seen she was cheating

on him.

 

It was that obvious.

 

But he refused to believe it.

 

Why?

 

Well here were his answers, in order:

 

1. He pays for everything and he doesn't cheat on her,

so why would she cheat?

 

2. He asked her if she was cheating and she said no.

 

3. He's smarter than her.

 

This is the perfect example of someone who doesn't think

the laws of nature apply to them.

 

He couldn't believe that someone would cheat on him.

He couldn't "get over himself".

 

And the fact of the matter is that almost everyone thinks

this way at one time or another (including you).

 

If you don't believe that it can happen to you, if you think

that you are that one special person in the universe where

the laws of nature don't apply...you're going to have a

miserable time of it.

 

Want to know what ended up happening to my old friend?

 

He's currently going through a bitter divorce that he

doesn't want. She left him and was the one that filed.

And gee, she also has a boyfriend that works at the same

place she does!

 

And he still can't believe what's happening to him!

 

Does this sound similar to anyone you know?

 

Now let's recap the most important points of Part 1 of your

mini-course:

 

1. You must accept the cold hard facts that anyone can and

will cheat on you. It's human nature. If you don't

"get over yourself" and accept this, you're in for a lot of

misery.

 

2. Don't ever expect your lover to admit to you that they

are having an affair. If you're waiting for this to happen,

it will be the longest wait of your life.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

Do it, and you'll probably be surprised at the insights you

come up with.

 

OR...you'll make yourself crazy with suspicion where it doesn't belong. what's your point?

 

 

 

i, to be perfectly honest, never lied about cheating in my cheating days. so, yeah.

[oppath]

How did this thread get hijacked into something about cheating?

 

The OP asked a question: why as the dumper, would you initiate sex with the person you've hurt, especially when you have moved on to someone else? What is their motivation?

 

Quite honestly: they are selfish. If someone cares about you, they will allow you to heal so you can move on to find the relationship you deserve. If someone dumped you, and they initiate sex, then they don't care about your well being unless you've discussed it with them and say "you know, I think I can handle this. It is just sex. I'm down."

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thanks for the replies. I will be honest with you. In the 3 years we were together, we were both faithful. Now, when were on breaks which happened twice, I don't doubt he may have tried and even successful slept with someone.. I actually don't count that as cheating. We weren't together.

 

That may be hard to believe but I know this person well enough to know.. also, with his job, and the fact we lived together and did EVERYTHING together, the chances were slim to none. You would have to know our situation. I am sure people cheat but I feel lucky to at least have someone who did not.

 

 

Oppath, you are so right. I am letting myself be abused. I know this person does care about me and wants me to stay in his life.. I know he is not purposefully trying to hurt me but we are participating for different reasons. I am afraid to lose him as well and seem to somehow become empowered when we have these exchanges. See he still wants me... that's what comes up for me. He still has the comfort of me when he wants me.

 

And Mental Traveller. He always makes it seem like he is over us and has moved on with this new person so i was confused as to why he keeps using me as his crutch.. if he's sooo happy, why bother with me. Does that make sense?

 

P.S kenzieabsolutely, I would love to believe what you wrote about him stepping up to the plate but really as confused as he may be, he has a girlfriend. She isn't going anywhere that I know of.. Nice start to their relationship huh?

[Newtotheblogthing]

Can i also throw in the fact that I was originally the one who dumped him. I took some time to better myself and then sadlly wanted to try again. I really hurt him and then when I wanted to reconcile, I guess I took too long (few months) and he started dating his neighbor. We talked all the time, texted, then one day he told me about her and that now she is his girlfriend. So.. it's been a roller coaster. This is now what he considers moving on.. He wanted to be with me, now he doesn't. Except for sex now and then and our friendship. Sorry to confuse things but technically we have now both dumped each other.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Sorry for all of the confusion. either way, we both are not being respectful toward each other nor his new girlfriend.We were completely codependent with each other which makes us both want to hang on in our own ways.

[oppath]

Can i also throw in the fact that I was originally the one who dumped him. I took some time to better myself and then sadlly wanted to try again. I really hurt him and then when I wanted to reconcile, I guess I took too long (few months) and he started dating his neighbor. We talked all the time, texted, then one day he told me about her and that now she is his girlfriend. So.. it's been a roller coaster. This is now what he considers moving on.. He wanted to be with me, now he doesn't. Except for sex now and then and our friendship. Sorry to confuse things but technically we have now both dumped each other.

 

So when you tried to get him bck, did you DATE him, or was it just sex? Did you tell him you made a mistake?

 

If I were in that situation, I might be so inclined to pump and dump. My ex did ask me if I wanted to be FWB, and it devasted me that someone who was supposed to care about me, wanted to USE me for sex when I was hurt and vulnerable. Quite honestly, if I could do it all over, I would have invited her over to my house, and had her give me a blow job. Then I would have said "get out. You think you can treat me like a whore? I'm not a whore. I'm worth more than just sex. Asking this of me made me feel used. It doesn't feel good, does it?"

[Pentula77]

think of it this way....the fires almost out, he's not to sure about the new girl but thinks may as well keep the old fire burning with a bit of kindling until he knows for sure.

 

why associate with a lame person like this ? if you do you'll never learn to attract a quality guy.

[lexi29]

Newtotheblogthing,

 

I've been there- my bf of 3 years left me said he wanted to be single. It was so sudden I really didn't have time to let go of my feelings for him. He slept with me two days after he started dating his new gf. I didn't even know he was seeing anyone because he lied to me.

 

I think your ex keeps sleeping with you even though he's seeing someone new because:

he can

he enjoys the sex with you

it makes him feel good that you still want him.

He doesn't have any respect for his new gf

 

I think that the reasons I had sex with my ex (didn't know he had a gf though) were:

he REALLY wanted me- after being rejected his pursuing me for sex made me feel good

the sex is good with him, so why not

I thought maybe it would make him see what he was missing and he'd come back

 

Not sure what your reasons were but they are probably similiar? I believe he never cheated on you- you would probably have some suspicions if he did. So in a way doesnt' it make you feel a little better that he respected your relationship more than he respects/cares about his new gf?

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thank you so much for the responses.

 

Oppath. I went away to take care of my health and wasn't able to contact him for almost a month. Then when i did, we still didn't see each other for two months. As soon as I came back to town I was in touch but I wouldn't commit to seeing him in person until I thought he was making some changes in his life. He was hurt because he wanted to see me and I kept putting him off. At this time I think he was also being pursued by the neighbor.

 

And NO, there weren't any real DATES.

 

When I did initiate more contact in person we had dinner and that's when he told me about his neighbor. I freaked out, started sobbing, and then told him I made a mistake. I think I really hurt him and he moved on. Or he's trying to.

 

I also wonder if my EGO is just getting in the way. If there wasn't another woman and if I didn't know what she looked like from an email she sent him, myspace etc.. Maybe I wouldn't be so crazy.

 

Everytime we have contact I feel better. Like a drug. I can go about my day trying to move on as long as I know he's there in some capacity. I guess maybe he feels the same? Codependent...

 

Everything you guys say is true. Maybe he can't let go in some ways but he will eventually. Also, I get the leftovers and seem to make him think that's ok. Lexi29, I too think somehow he is going to realize he wants to be with me again.. hanging on.. but i doubt it will happen and I will be devestated when I hear about him taking her home to his parents over the holidays because I mistook sex for caring. That's what we did so why wouldn't he take his new gf. Just cause he wants to sleep with me now and then? I also secretly take pleasure in the fact he cheated on her. I know it's not nice but somehow I turn that into "he doesn't care that much about her if he's doing that" but at the same time, I should apply that to myself. When he asked for a photo or to have phone sex, he's not exactly saying I value, love and respect you..

 

He's saying: I want you around because I am having a tough time letting go but I want you on my terms. i can call you when I want without worrying about giving up my new gf who is next door and has no idea. I still want to be connected to you in some sexual way but I am not willing to give you any more than that. You're ok with that? You answer the phone, you might be willing to participate? Great, good for me.