riotbaby Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Well, Long story short. Married for 10 years with three kids. Been pretty bad for a few years. Busy lives, no time and crazy schedules. Last year I caught him in what I would call an-as far as I know-emotional affair. He was on the phone like 4 times a day with this person. They live 1 1/2 away and he works a lot so i am pretty sure they didn't see each other that much. Here is the thing. This other person was a guy. My husband just claims that they other person listened to him when I would not and that he was just happy someone was listening. That he is not gay. But I am sure this other guy is gay. Before this I would have never thought in a million years that my husband was gay. No tendencies. But, I am not naive, I know it happens. Maybe just too blind by what we had. This was a year ago. Has anyone else been through anything like this and survived? Any thoughts from the guys on that he is or isn't? Any advice?
reboot Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 There's not much way to form an opinion just based on the information you've shared. All you're telling us is they talk a lot. That doesn't make him gay. Do you have anything more like proof than this? I sure hope talking to guys doesn't make you gay! <erasing all male friends numbers from my cell phone>
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Have you met this other guy? What makes you think he's gay? Also, how did your husband react when you asked him about the other guy? I agree with reboot, you haven't shared enough to go on with us that makes it seem like your H is having (at best) an emotional affair with another man. Is your husband turned on by you? Do you two have a good sex life? How is your relationship in general... Long story short. Married for 10 years with three kids. Been pretty bad for a few years. Busy lives, no time and crazy schedules. How bad is bad? You two NEED to make time for eachother, even if that means getting a babysitter, or asking a family member to come be with your kids. It's too easy to let work, kids, daily routines get in the way of your marriage..So, make that special time for eachother. You both need to make an effort. Communicate your feelings, and hopefully he'll open up to you, talk to you more instead of feeling the need to rely on someone else PERIOD (man or woman) to talk to about his stuff. Have you guys ever considered going to marriage counselling?
Gunny376 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 The truth of the matter is? According to the "Kinsey Report" which involved tens of thousands of people? (about six or seven thousand) on a scale of one to seven ~ most scrored in between? Me? I as a male I know that I'm a butch, lesbian trapped in a male body! My way of saying I'm a "normal" heterosexual male! I belive Dr. Phil said it best? "I don't think we have a real good handle on what normal is? All I can say? As a "normal" hetersexual male? I don't have conversations deep into the night with other males! Most of my conversations with other males are basically. "Hi!" and "Bye!" Maybe? "How about those Braves!"
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You need to find out what's going on with your husband why does he find it neccessary to be friends with a gay man??? Something could be going on.
Author riotbaby Posted October 12, 2007 Author Posted October 12, 2007 More info... These were long conversations. Many a day. It stopped as soon as I confronted him. I just don't know how to get the trust again. I mean every time he is out I wonder. He has not done anything since that time. So, why do I feel the need to check his phone and ask who he is out with? We tried the marriage councellor and it was not working. I just feel like we drifted apart and are not even in the same ocean. And feeling like I do just drives us furthor apart. We are so busy with life trying to stay afloat that we don't even have time to try to paddle toward on another. Maybe I know the answer here, I am just venting. Isn't it possible to just grow apart??? I mean the connection is just not there. Has anyone been able to pull it back together? We are so different. His way of showing love is providing for the family. Making sure the house is picked-up, clothes washed, garden looking nice. My way is asking for kisses, wanting to be hugged, looking in to a persons eyes and seeing them light up. I miss that! I am so jealous when I see him talk to others and I see his smile! So when we want to show our love it is completely different. I always tell him I don' want a maid, cook or gardener! I want someone who walks through the door and gives me a big kiss. Sorry---Thoughts just racing and it feels good to vent. I know that I have self-esteem issues. Maybe the answer is that I need to just work on me. Has this approach ever worked for anyone. Ramble Ramble Sorry
joekurtz Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 You need to find out what's going on with your husband why does he find it neccessary to be friends with a gay man??? Something could be going on. Settle down. We haven't yet established that this other man is, indeed, gay. And even if thatturns out to be the case, it doesn't necessarily mean that her husband is at all interested in this individual in a sexual manner. It is, after all, quite possible for a man to be close, even intimate friends ( obviously not physically or romantically intimate ) with a gay male & have no interest in him whatsoever other than as a friend. I have a friend whom I worked with who's best friend is gay. They'd been friends since childhood & grew up together as next door neighbors, but who've always remained just that, platonic friends. The guy who's my friend from work is completely straight. So, i don't think we should jump to conclusions & automatically think that because they talked so often on the phone that they were anything other than platonic friends. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Maybe this "phone friend" is gay, maybe he's not. We just don't have enough information to go on. Which I'll address in my next post ...
joekurtz Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 More info... These were long conversations. Many a day. It stopped as soon as I confronted him. I just don't know how to get the trust again. I mean every time he is out I wonder. He has not done anything since that time. So, why do I feel the need to check his phone and ask who he is out with? We tried the marriage councellor and it was not working. I just feel like we drifted apart and are not even in the same ocean. And feeling like I do just drives us furthor apart. We are so busy with life trying to stay afloat that we don't even have time to try to paddle toward on another. Maybe I know the answer here, I am just venting. Isn't it possible to just grow apart??? I mean the connection is just not there. Has anyone been able to pull it back together? We are so different. His way of showing love is providing for the family. Making sure the house is picked-up, clothes washed, garden looking nice. My way is asking for kisses, wanting to be hugged, looking in to a persons eyes and seeing them light up. I miss that! I am so jealous when I see him talk to others and I see his smile! So when we want to show our love it is completely different. I always tell him I don' want a maid, cook or gardener! I want someone who walks through the door and gives me a big kiss. Sorry---Thoughts just racing and it feels good to vent. I know that I have self-esteem issues. Maybe the answer is that I need to just work on me. Has this approach ever worked for anyone. Ramble Ramble Sorry Rambings a good thing. It allows you to unleash bottled up thoughts & feelings in a stream of conscious manner, without all the internal editing that might cause you to leave out things that are actually pertinent to the subject at hand. So, you never told us where your husband met this individual that he was speaking to so often. Or what their history was ( if any ). I mean, I doubt it was just some random individual that he suddenly began to have long, frequent, intimate conversations with. And what is it that leads you to believe that this gentleman is gay? And even if he is, what was it about your husband's conversations with him that led you to suspect that there was something romantic about their relationship? Did you overhear something that led you to think/feel this way? Did, perhaps, your husbands demeanor change when he was talking to this man? Were his inflections somehow, I don't know, "flirty" somehow? I mean, seriously, those are some pretty serious accusations you threw your husbands way & I'd hate to think that you may have imagined or mis-interpreted something which caused you to voice your suspiscions to him, which in turn caused him to end his friendship with this individual over it. Especially it it was a lifelong friendship or something. I mean, questioning a spouce's sexual identity after a decade of marriage had to have been a pretty traumatic thing for him to have gone through if he's straight. I know that it would be for me. And I'm about one of the most liberal people you'll find, who's also 110% confident in my sexual identity, so if some random person off the street or even someone else that I knew were to "accuse" me of being gay, I'd just laugh it off. Because I know who I am & someone's perception of me doesn't really matter in the least. Plus, I'm not going to insult those who actually ARE gay by getting all defensive about it & behaving as if there's something wrong with it by declaring how straight I am. You know what I mean? But, if my wife were to question something so fundemental about me like my sexual identity, it would hurt me very deeply not because she was questioning my "manhood", but because she was basically unsure of who I AM. You know? I'd take it as meaning that she never really took the time to know me & who the hell I was. Even in our most intimate moments. Just some things to ponder ... I mean, obviously, there have been issues in your marriage for a long time now & those sorts of rifts can cause many, many doubts about every aspect of your relationship. As for the failure of your stint at counselling, might I strongly suggest trying again with someone new before giving up. Perhaps that particular counselor just didn't have the right kind of chemistry with the two of you. Sometimes it takes a couple of sessions with a couple of different councelors before you find the right one. Just a thought. Well, good luck & take care.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Settle down. We haven't yet established that this other man is, indeed, gay. And even if thatturns out to be the case, it doesn't necessarily mean that her husband is at all interested in this individual in a sexual manner. It is, after all, quite possible for a man to be close, even intimate friends ( obviously not physically or romantically intimate ) with a gay male & have no interest in him whatsoever other than as a friend. I have a friend whom I worked with who's best friend is gay. They'd been friends since childhood & grew up together as next door neighbors, but who've always remained just that, platonic friends. The guy who's my friend from work is completely straight. So, i don't think we should jump to conclusions & automatically think that because they talked so often on the phone that they were anything other than platonic friends. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. Maybe this "phone friend" is gay, maybe he's not. We just don't have enough information to go on. Which I'll address in my next post ... Didnt want to jump the gun. But you know the old saying, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. Then it's a ???? We'll see what happens when the poster unveils more information on the story. I know I for one would use my gut in determining what's going on. Because the first instinct is usually the correct one.
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