Author ncpd25 Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Bosiell, I agree 100% about Spind. She has provided me with some fantastic insight and great advce since my break-up. She's certainly something else!! As for your statement about genuine women, yes, they are out there, I don't know where they're hiding but, they're out there. Seems many of them are right here on LS. Pentula, Yeah, for whatever reason, she did lie to me. I can't say if she would ever attempt to get in touch with me or not. If she did, I would have a very difficult time believing in her again. I think I would have to tell her, there's nothing left to salvage. Always, I tend to believe her words to me were genuine prior to the break-up, although, sometimes I have some doubts. The odd thing is, prior to her going to Jersey that weekend, she told me about her ex stopping by her house unannounced. She said he was crying and explained why he cheated and lied to her. My ex told me he cheated on his wife as well, that's why he got divorced. I don't know if he cheated on his wife with my ex or if it was somebody else. She told me, she now understood why he did what he did. I strongly believe, he needed a place to live other than on his boat and I'm confident he was trying to win her back. He evidently became jealous when he found out about me. He wanted to know everything about me. She said she really felt sorry for him and was concerned about him and his well being. I'm not necesarily pissed at her, more disappointed. She then advised me she told me about his visit because she didn't want to hide anything from me. She said, she was in love with me and didn't want to lose me. She asked that I have patience with her and she promised not to let me down. Three days later, she left. Oppath, I often believed she was trying to show me how independent and strong she was. I somehow got the impression she didn't make the decision to leave on her own. She said in her voicemail "I had a long talk with Maria (her best friend) yesterday and today and I now have mixed emotions. I need to deal with RA (her ex)". I don't know if Maria liked RA or not. I think maybe they talked about his visit to her house and she maybe conveyed the message that she was having second thoughts of leaving her ex etc.. Maybe Maria gave her advice, she needed to cut me loose and get back with RA. Pure spectulation on my part. Spind, As I said, I feel she may have tried to convey to me that she is an independent, strong person. She told me she never wrote a check until after she got divorced. She's very proud of what she accomplished after she divorced 4 years ago however, I think she developed other issues with her boyfriend over the past 4 years (issues of trust). I told her that I thought it was great that she found independence and strength in herself and she should be proud of herself. I also think she is very concerned about how people preceive her. Maybe she didn't want me to reject her if she told me she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Maybe that's what prompted her to be untruthful with me. I don't consider myself an idealist when it comes to somebody lying to me. I guess when it comes to matters of the heart, I feel repurcussions could more profound. I've been doing a lot of thinking (obviously) and I think I feel they way I do is because of issues in my life. Of course I'm aware of my issues and I spoke with that counselor about these issues as well. I'm the youngest of 4 boys. I was close to my Dad, he died in 1988. I look out for my Mother as she's getting older. A big thing with me, is I never really had anybody to fall back on in life. My oldest brother stole money from me and his wife doesn't allow him to speak to anybody in his family. He didn't go to my Dad's funeral. I use to call him when I was a teenager and he would hang up on me (if his wife answered, she would hang up on me). I never did anything to him, I was a kid. I haven't talked to him in 19 years. My second oldest brother stole a bunch of personal effects from me and sold them for the money. I haven't talked to him in 6 years. My other brother forged my name on mortgage papers. I haven't talked to him in 14 years. None of them help out with Mom as they're to busy living they're own life. There is nobody else to check on her. I'm it and she has no other family. When I was 22, I got diabetes, I ended up driving myself to the E/R. I called my oldest brother to tell him. he said "The Doctors will take care of you" and he hung up on me. Not that I expected family members to take care of me, but, I never had anybody ask me about the disease or how I was doing with it. I do really well with it and have been in a nationwide study since 1989. We just received our 3rd extension and we'll be going until 2017. Everyting a diabetic does is based on the study I'm in and we're in the New England Journal of Medicine. I went to my H.S. and college graduation by myself (my dad had passed, my Mom moved to Florida). Nobody went to my Police Academy graduation. I've spent many holidays (Christmas) alone. When I broke my wrist in 9 places, I went in for my surgery by myself and drove home after I came out of the anesthesia. The list goes on. I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party. I guess given the circumstances, I would like to meet somebody that I knew cared about me. Somebody I could share my life with, that I could be there for and who would be there for me. I have friends but, that doesn't fill certain voids. It's not that I'm in love with the idea of love, I just want to be with somebody. I thought I had found that in my ex. When it fell apart, I felt like I had been robbed. Granted, maybe she isn't "the one" but, it sure seemed it was going that way As I said before, I was really disappointed. I've always looked after myself, took care of myself and never felt bad for myself. Maybe I just don't want to be alone anymore. Once I get passed all of this stuff with my ex, I'll start looking again. I never drag this stuff into a relationship, I'm proud of my achievements and know I'm a decent person. I've been through a lot and feel I can make through most anything. I'm not desperate and I've never gone out hunting for a relationship for the sake of being with someone. I take it as it comes and keep moving forward. I suppose this whole thing with my ex was a big detour for me. I'd like to thank eveybody for their input. It means a lot to me. Kind of like the family I never had.
Bosiell Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party. I guess given the circumstances, I would like to meet somebody that I knew cared about me. Somebody I could share my life with, that I could be there for and who would be there for me. I have friends but, that doesn't fill certain voids. It's not that I'm in love with the idea of love, I just want to be with somebody. I thought I had found that in my ex. When it fell apart, I felt like I had been robbed. Granted, maybe she isn't "the one" but, it sure seemed it was going that way As I said before, I was really disappointed. I've always looked after myself, took care of myself and never felt bad for myself. Maybe I just don't want to be alone anymore. Once I get passed all of this stuff with my ex, I'll start looking again. I never drag this stuff into a relationship, I'm proud of my achievements and know I'm a decent person. I've been through a lot and feel I can make through most anything. I'm not desperate and I've never gone out hunting for a relationship for the sake of being with someone. I take it as it comes and keep moving forward. I suppose this whole thing with my ex was a big detour for me. I'd like to thank eveybody for their input. It means a lot to me. Kind of like the family I never had. I hear you bro.. I echo all that you have said there.. Good luck my friend
The Collector Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 ncpd25, I admit I threw a lot of unfounded accusations at you to see what stuck. It's a trick i picked up from women. But by your responses, I don't think you have been too nice. I don't know because I wasn't there, but it sounds like you gave her enough rope and she hung herself. There really are women out there that don't take kindness for weakness - and even those that appreciate and respect a good heart often need reassuring that you are doing these nice things not out of desperation or neediness but because they've earnt it. Sadly there are also a lot of women who actively prefer dramatic, abusive relationships because they get bored with comfort and quite enjoy crying. It's up to you to decide how much the relationship didn't work because of you not giving her boundaries, and how much was down to her natural predilection for drama. Either way, look forward to the next one instead of dwelling on someone not good enough for you. Best wishes.
daphne Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 nc, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling bad. I understand why you're beating yourself up, but I wish you wouldn't. I think this girl did you a favor. You found out sooner, rather than later, when you might have invested more in her. She doesn't deserve it. If she did, she wouldn't be going back to the loser ex and all that it encompasses (more cheating, more supporting). It sounds like you are attracted to more unavailable women. This is just my guess, from your experience and perhaps from your background. Maybe since your family hasn't been a stellar example of stability, trustworthiness or even remote decency, you don't know what to look for. LIke collector said, there are women who won't take your kindness for weakness. Find one. We all like a little bit of a challenge, but find one that doesn't need too big of one or require drama. It sounds like you just really need a good hearted, stable girl. Make a list of the attributes these unavailable women had, find the commonalities, and come up with a picture of a woman that's more conducive to a stable relationship. You can't beat yourself up for not knowing she was a liar. You took a risk, and she betrayed you. Keep taking risks, with cautious optimism. I see ordinary people lie and manipulate every day. If I spent every day on the defensive expecting it, I'd be a miserable person. I just try to recognize it, and if I'm betrayed I now realize they f'ed up, not me. And I also know better what to look out for. Hang in there. Figure out what you really need and when your'e ready to move on, go find it. There's plenty of girls waiting for a drama free guy like yourself. Don't pick one that needs saving, because those aren't it.
Spinderella Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Thankyou again. I think Daphnes advice is very good. Perhaps because you have been forced to be very independent, you find it hard to surrender to a shared relationship too. The practical action that Daphne suggested would be a good move. But, also make sure that you, yourself, know exactly where you are. This is always the most important thing. You cant always know what someone is really going to offer you, but if you know yourself, then you will know more about what you are offering and what type of person will be attracted to you. I identified in myself some resistance to relationships, that I realised were stopping me from attracting people who were really ready for the kind of relationship I think I want. Mentally I identified what I wanted, but emotionally I had resistance to that, if that makes sense.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Daphne/Spind, I agree with much of what you both said. Many of my issues have been with me for years and I've dealt with them on so many different levels. You mention making a list. I was actually told to do that when I saw that therapist. I made a list of the women I dated, where they were at (relationship wise) and why we broke up. I also listed out, they're dispositions during the relationship etc...While making the list, I looked at the paper and said "Holy crap!!". It was at that point, I realized what I was doing. The therapist then went through the motions of what I needed to do (and not do), in order to correct my actions. While dating my ex, I believe that I trusted her. If I hadn't, I think I would have walked. There were a few things I looked at and wondered about but, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. At the time, I had no reason not to trust her. It's funny, that email she sent me, the day after her ex stopped over, she said. "The reason I told you about RA stopping over is because, I don't want to hide anything from you. I am in love with you and I don't want to lose you. If you can have patience with me, I promise not to let you down, you mean so much to me and I love you". After reading that, I couldn't help but, believe her (Needless to say, 3 days later, she left and went back to him). I was still a little ticked that her ex stopped by and I discussed it with her the next day, but, her words seemed so genuine. I mean, she asked me to stand by her side. As for my personal issues, there was a period of time, where I would never let anybody do anything for me. I would not allow anybody to do me a favor, give me a ride if I needed it. I even moved my entire house by myself (about 90% of it, then I hired a mover). I felt if I didn't ask for or accept help, there is no way I could be disappointed or let down. I know I probably wouldn't have been disappointed but, past experiences seemed to dictate that's how things would turn out. The therapist told me, I have to allow myself to be vulnerable and let people in my life and accept help if it's offered. I learned to do that and I learned that people in my life are not my brothers etc.... I no longer hesitate to allow somebody to help me. It actually feels good realizing somebody would want to be there for me. My therapist also told me that I should allow people to help if I need it as it may give them a sense of satisfaction by helping me. She asked me, why I became a cop. I told her I like to help people, among other things. She said "Well then, don't deny others to get a good feeling if they want to help you". Unless I did something subconsiously, I feel I looked for "the signs" when I met my ex, I trusted her, let her into my life and ultimately, she lied to me. Had she been truthful with me, I would never have gone out with her. If her circumstances had been different and she didn't just break up with her b/f, I feel we'd still be together. I guess, to some extent, I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my ex and I got the short end of the stick. I guess, that's how it goes sometimes. And, although, my past responses to something like this would have been "See, I can't trust people", I won't generalize or make such a blanket statement anymore. I'm working through my circumstances with my ex and realize, her actions were deceiving and that's what she chose to do, either intentionally of unintentionally. I will get over this, move forward and know that I have to walk into the next relationship with a certain level of trust. I refuse to blame somebody else on my ex's actions. That wouldn't be fair to that person. I think these issues have been with me for some time now. I realize their existence, have dealt with them on many levels and yes, remnants occasionally creep up once in a while. I identify them and work around/through them. They've obviosuly had an effect on my life but, I came to the realization that I can't let those things control my feelings and my life. That's why I went to that therapist and addressed them. Everytime I went to a session, I would walk out of there with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I have a great relationship with my therapist. She is a retired Sergeant as am I. Her son and husband are diabetic as am I. We could relate on so many levels and she understood me. Somebody said to me years ago: You know NCPD, no matter what happens to you in life, you always land on your feet. I feel this situation with my ex, smacked me around a bit. It doesn't mean I give up. I guess I'm waiting for something good to happen to me and when I get passed up, I get a bit discouraged. Listen, I really appreciate your input and time. Your words and views have helped me a great deal and I thank you for it!!! Sorry for another long post!
daphne Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 nc, I can relate to the part where you mentioned not allowing people to help you. I used to have that chip on my shoulder. I'd ask people very rarely for a favor, and found I would get turned down and then I'd never ask again. It tended to be people I had done favors for in teh past, so it kind of stung. I realized I was just picking users for friends and started looking for better friends. I now have a pretty tight knit circle of decent people around who are there for different things if I need them. And whereas I still have a little trouble asking for things on occasion, I know that I can take the rejection because I have chosen good people. I give them the benefit of teh doubt. They are not rejecting me. Be happy that you aren't bitter by your situation. Many would be in your shoes. Your family sounds as bad as some of my own. You are a much better person for being strong enough to still have a heart in this #!#'ed up world. What your family did to you was who they are, not who you are. Don't settle for the girls you've been getting because you're concerned that someone who has better values might not want you. Keep working on yourself and figure out how to open yourself up to better people, and you'll get it. I promise you.
sedgwick Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I cannot begin to disagree enough with Collector about women wanting someone dominant in bed. I've had that -- I'd come away with bruises after having sex with him. My most recent ex was the sweetest, least experienced lover I've ever had (well, since I was a teenager, anyway) and that made our sex absolutely beautiful. I loved how responsive and appreciative he was. I loved everything about it. I do not want a guy who treats me like s**t and has to be all dominant. Mature, self-actualized women with a shred of self-esteem don't want to be treated badly. My most recent ex was so unbelievably hot to me, because I knew he was really paying attention and really wanted to make me feel good. So, so, so much better than being dominated!!
Author ncpd25 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Sedgwick, I never got the impresion that she was "into that stuff". She was a very self-conscious person that seemed to lack some self-esteem and confidence. I actually had a long talk with my buddies wife yesterday. After reading all of the posts in this thread and listening to my buddy's wife, things seemed to be a lot more clear to me. But, with respect to her prefernce in bed, I really don't believe she wanted somebody dominant when it came to sex. It's odd but, my buddy's wife said a lot of things that rang true even though, she didn't know some of the things that were said and done. She told me what she thought and I kept saying, "Yeah, she said that, she did that" etc... Even things said by many people on these posts were true as well. My buddy's wife described my ex to a tee and really hit the nail on the head with respect to what she thought my ex was thinking and maybe how she felt. She brought up so many things that I never told her but, she identified in my ex really well. I'm still confused about her wanting to be with her ex who cheated and lied to her for 4 years but, that's a whole different issue. I'm trying to resign myself to the fact, that maybe she was being sincere when she told me in her messages that she still really cares about me (whatever that means) and I'm trying to put myself in her shoes (to some extent). I'm still a little bent about her being dishonest with me. I thought maybe she respected me enough not to do that but, I have no idea what was going thorugh her head at the time. I'm just really disappointed things didn't work out. She was really special to me. Of course, I still think of her and the good times we had together and maybe she didn't intentionally try to hurt me, but, she really did kill me with her actions. I'm trying to get over it, for my own well being. If she ever called me again, I would entertain a conversation with her (probably) however, the chances of us ever getting back together are slim to none (sorry to say). I'm not holding my breath in anticipation of a call though. Especially if she's back with her ex. Maybe, if she sees the light but, It still wouldn't make a difference. Thanks for the post Sedgwick!!
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